A/N: Sorry...it's going to be a long one.
First of all, my sincerest apologies for the unexpected break, I never intended to take a week off. On Saturday I started experiencing problems with my FF account (caused by an accident on my part) and I have emailed the support people several times and impatiently waited to have something done about it, but alas here it is almost a week later and the problem persists. However, I don't want to be absent from this story any longer so I will resume posting.
Second - as of Monday I officially finished writing SMH! Yay! Lol...it ends at 94 chapters and in the last chapter I'll let you know what happens next. But because I no longer have to worry about running out of chapters, and if no one has any arguments, I think I'll post every day for awhile and see how that works out :) Thank you for your patience this week.
As always I love to hear your thoughts. Thank you so much for those of you who checked on me to make sure I was okay when you didn't see me around for a few days. You guys are truly the best readers, and friends, that anyone could ask for. Thanks so much for all the support! ~ Love, Aliyah :D
PS. This chapter picks up right where the last one left off. At the end of Ch 75 on a Monday night Ziva offered to share the shower with Tony for one of the first times and now it's Tuesday and she's still working through the emotional ramifications.
Ziva sat in the corner of the couch with her tea, in the same position as when she first came. Devon checked her watch. "Fifteen minutes, are you going to talk to me or should I just say goodbye now?"
That got her patient's attention. "I was just thinking."
"Think out loud for me," the doctor suggested. "What's going on in your head?"
Ziva wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. "Healing is so hard."
At those words Devon abandoned any other plans she had for the session and just listened. "I know Ziva."
"No," the woman said flatly, "you do not. No one does. They do not see how hard I am trying or feel the emptiness each time I fail. Everyone is ready for me to be better. It is hard to be sympathetic, to be patient so long. But I am ready to be better too. I am so tired of the consequences for something I did not mean to choose." Her fingers crept into her hair. "Dying would have been far easier than living with all these scars."
Devon took in the long sleeves Ziva wore, unusual since her return to work. "Scars fade."
Ziva's eyes flashed and she dropped her mug on the table so hard the liquid splashed over the side. "They do not fade fast enough!" she spat.
"What happened Ziva?" This kind of attitude was not normal.
Ziva sank back into the cushions. "Somalia happened. Being pregnant happened. Tony happened. And now Chaya is eleven weeks and I still cannot...I cannot," she finished sadly. "I am done Devon."
"I wish it were that simple, but life doesn't work that way," her therapist pointed out. "You can't just take a break or give up when it's hard. You aren't done healing but you are getting there, and one day you'll realize you aren't moving backwards at all, you're actually a thousand positive steps from where you started."
The hopelessness in Ziva's gaze broke Devon's heart. "I was not born for easy or good or happy. But Tony..." She swallowed and leaned her head back but didn't finished. Suddenly she stood up. "I have to go."
Devon tried to stop her. "Ziva-"
"No, please, I have to go." She hurried for the door and the doctor threw her parting shot.
"I can't have you go back to work like this Ziva. If you leave, you're benched for the day."
With a toss of her curls and a flash of her brown eyes, Ziva was gone. Devon sat back down. "That went well," she muttered to no one in particular, before going to her desk for Agent Gibbs' card.
NCIS
Gibbs put the phone down and stared at Ziva's desk. "DiNozzo," he said quietly. Tony looked up and Gibbs jerked his head. "With me."
Wondering what he could possibly be in trouble for this time, Tony followed his boss outside the bullpen. "Ziva skipped out on therapy and her shrink won't let her back in the field today. Something about her being upset." He glared pointedly at Tony.
He shook his head. "She was fine-" Training off, he rubbed his face. "Actually, I don't know when the last time was that she was fine. But I wasn't worried about her earlier."
"Find her," the older man ordered in a clipped tone before stalking off.
Tony stared at the wall for a minute, trying to sort out where to start. First things first. He went back to his desk and called Jasmine to see if Ziva had picked up Chaya. But no, his daughter was still sleeping and the girl hadn't heard from his wife. Heaving a sigh, Tony scrolled through his list of contacts and chose the number for Ops."
"Operation Central, this is Duke."
"Duke, Tony DiNozzo. If Ziva shows up there, can you give me a call?"
Duke frowned. "Problem?"
He squeezed his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I don't know, maybe. Will you let me know?"
"And keep her here if I have to," the Marine confirmed.
"Thanks." Out of options, Tony grabbed his things and headed downstairs. Their car was still in the parking lot but just because Tony had the keys didn't mean anything. He wouldn't put it past Ziva to have hot wiring on her list of skills. The attendant also reported that she hadn't signed out a work vehicle.
Puzzled, Tony began walking, trying to figure out where she might have gone. A run seemed most likely, but she wasn't wearing the right clothes. Dialing her number, Tony listened to it ring until the frustrating message that the party he was trying to reach was currently unavailable came on. She'd probably turned it off.
Feeling frustrated and helpless, Tony made his way to the river and finally saw a lone figure sitting on a bench under a large tree. He let out a sigh of relief, but Ziva's posture spoke completely of defeat and his concern doubled. She didn't look up when he got close, nor acknowledge Tony when he sat down. The silence enveloped them, broken only by birds chirping and distant traffic noises.
Itching to do something, he finally reached for her hand. It remained lax within his and Tony frowned, wondering if she was even with him. "Ziva?"
She turned a beaten gaze towards him without actually looking into his eyes. "They have won, Tony."
He didn't like the sound of that. "Who? Who won?"
"I thought they would never break me, I thought I was strong enough. But I am not and I am broken, Somalia has won."
Tony's heart beat painfully in his chest. What on earth was he supposed to say to that? What words could he use that didn't sound like a bandaid for wounds so deep he had yet to see the bottom? He lifted her fingers and pressed a soft kiss to each one. "I don't think you're broken forever sweetheart."
The emotion in her eyes swirled, just a glimpse at the turmoil inside. "I do not think I can fight any more."
"I'll fight for you," Tony hastened to reassure her. "I'll be your strength."
A part of her wanted so much to fall into his arms and take shelter in his love, but the sharp edges of her shattered spirit hurt him too and Ziva did not want to be responsible for any more bloodshed. "You cannot win," she whispered, feeling the darkness gathering like a thunderstorm in her soul. "I am so tired Tony."
He hurt for her, knowing nothing he could do would make it better. Trying to keep his own tears at bay, Tony helped her up and moved to the ground, positioning Ziva between his legs and encompassing her in his arms. She didn't resist, didn't do anything at all except curl up in a tight ball and lean against his chest.
Holding her as firmly as he could without hurting her, Tony kissed the side of her head. "I'm here Zi, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me, okay? For the next fifty-seven years at least. I won't let go."
Shuddering, Ziva suddenly turned her head into his shoulder and twisted his shirt up in her fingers. The dam broke and finally tears started streaming down her face, though the sobs that shook her body remained soundless. Burying his face in her curls, Tony tried to give her what she needed, but the wetness on his own cheeks gave away his weakness. They needed each other. He had to hope that someday that might be enough.
NCIS
When Ziva stopped crying, she was so quiet and motionless that Tony wondered if she'd fallen asleep. She was drained and she didn't want to move, for just awhile Ziva needed to pretend that the world didn't exist. Finally though she lifted her head and brushed her fingers over Tony's cheek. "Why do you stay?"
The look he gave her wondered why she asked questions to which she already knew the answer. "Because I love you. "And in case you've forgotten , I can't be without you."
"Kiss me," Ziva begged. "Please Tony, make me forget."
Gently, his fingers slid along her face and into her hair. Ziva's lips met his in a desperate caress. She drank in his touch, his comfort, like it was water. Tony poured his heart into the kiss, soft and reassuring, but deliberately holding back because they didn't need to push it further. Ziva broke away first and her head fell to his shoulder. Tony caught his breath and realized for the first time what had been nagging at him about her appearance today. He drew his fingers up and down her arm, slipping them into the sleeve a couple inches to both touch her scars and feel her pulse.
"Why the long sleeves?" It was near eighty degrees out, not cold even by the standard of one who grew up in the desert.
She shifted positions. "It is an easy way to hide." Somehow he knew she didn't mean the scars.
Tony tilted her face up and Ziva met his eyes fully for one of the first times since he found her. "What happened Zi? Is this because of last night?"
She shook her head. "It is because of everything. I knew I would not be okay right away, that getting married and giving birth did not fix anything immediately. But I was not expecting it to take so long."
Tony's back ached but he decided to deal with it a little longer. "I know this is hard honey, I can't even imagine what it's like trying to come back from what you've been through. But you need to fight Zi, you promised me you would, and no one else can do it for you." His gaze sharpened. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Snap out of this hopelessness. You have a husband and a family who love you. Not when you're healed, but even now when you still feel broken. You have a daughter who needs you and a new life here. Stop acting like you're giving up."
The harshness of his words startled Ziva and she frowned. "You are angry with me."
He needed space and stood up, bringing her with him. "I don't know what else I can say, what promise will convince you that you're worth it Zi. I've waited, I'm still waiting and I'll continue to wait until you're ready. I'm here, but you need to fight with me, because I can't do it on my own." Tony kissed her lips lightly. "I love you Ziva, I'm not going anywhere, but you have to decide to beat this no matter how hard it gets or how long it takes." He dropped the keys in her hand. "You've got half an hour if you're coming back to feed Chaya. Otherwise I'll see you at home tonight."
Just like that he turned and walked away, leaving Ziva stunned at what had happened and not knowing it was one of the hardest things he'd ever done. She stared at the car keys and looked up to watch her husband walk away and realized she had two choices and only two - hide or fight. And if she wanted to hold onto the life she and Tony had built together, there was only one option.
After spending more than an hour with her baby girl and renewing the reasons she had not to let the desert beat her, Ziva walked back into Devon's office, learned that she didn't have a client, and opened the door. Sitting on the couch in the same spot as always with fire in her eyes and new resolve in her heart, Ziva looked up and nodded at her doctor. "I am ready to talk. I need you to help me find how to be okay."
Devon eyed the woman in front of her, completely changed from four hours ago. She sat back in her chair and smiled. "Now we can begin."
NCIS
Ziva texted Tony after her session finally ended, late enough that she stayed to nurse Chaya again, and asked if he could pick up their daughter when he finished work. Debating about whether or not they needed the evening alone, he concluded it would be best to bring the baby home, another reminder of why Ziva couldn't quit now. The car keys were delivered back to him by Gibbs, who hadn't been able to let his agent leave without knowing if she was safe to be alone with herself.
LEO's was open until eight pm, but Gibbs kicked them out an hour before and Tony gladly went to get his little girl. For once he wished she wasn't asleep because a cuddle would have done him a lot of good, but it would have to wait. The house was quiet and dark when they arrived, but Tony could feel the vibrations of music coming from the basement. Pleased that the soundproofing had worked so well, he left Chaya by the couch and cracked open the door. Ziva was running full out on the treadmill, a focused look on her face and determination in her strides. Feeling a little awkward about how he'd left things earlier, Tony walked down the steps, knowing the instant she became aware of his presence.
Ziva slowed her pace gradually and finally got off, turning down the music and grabbing the towel draped over the weight rack. "Hi." She started stretching slowly, giving him an idea of how long she'd been working out. "This is much easier than explaining to Duke why I need to be at Ops on a Tuesday." She rolled her eyes. "He would ask too many questions." Ziva's smile was bright, her eyes clear and Tony was grateful, if a little suspicious, of the change from earlier.
"I'm glad you're getting to use it," he said, slipping his hands into his pockets. "About what I said before-"
She moved into his space, laying a finger on his lips. "I needed to hear it Tony. Sometimes I forget that my healing does not only affect me."
Tony ran his hands up her arms. "Are we okay?"
Ziva nodded. "Yes. And I would kiss you, but there is a rule..."
He snorted and used the towel to gently wipe the sweat from her face. Tony claimed her lips for only a moment and glanced up the stairs, checking his watch. "I'm afraid your shower will have to wait."
Right on cue Chaya cried and Ziva grimaced. "I am too gross to be nursing."
Tony chuckled. "I doubt the three month old cares honey. And you probably both need it tonight."
Making a face, she followed him to the livingroom and let Tony get their baby. She pulled the workout shirt over her head and tossed it in the direction of the laundry. He stared at her, standing there in just her bra, but Ziva was busy drying off as much as possible so she could feed her daughter and didn't notice. Up in the nursery, Tony transferred Chaya to Ziva's lap and looked for a story, finally going with Robert the Rose Horse.
Chaya and Ziva both paid great attention as he read and then Tony burped and changed Chaya while Ziva picked out pyjamas - a little yellow sleeper with bright, happy-faced suns all over it. Tony walked the room with her to get his Chaya time in and the cuddle that made him feel peaceful for the first time in hours. At last he laid her in the crib, watching her eyelids flutter as dreamland called. They kissed her goodnight and left.
Back in their room, Ziva headed for the bathroom but Tony stopped her. "It's been a rough day honey, what about a bubble bath?" She struggled not to take a step away from him and he pushed a piece of hair behind her ear. "Just laying together Ziva, no pressure, and you won't even see all of me." Tony looked hopeful. "I'll wash your hair."
Her expression softened into a smile and she sighed. "Okay." Ziva opened the bathroom cupboard and came up with a lavender and chamomile bubble bath she'd never tried. "You will smell like a girl," she warned.
He laughed. "What? Lavender can't be manly?"
Ziva shook her head and started the water, pouring a generous amount of the purple gel under the faucet. Tony found some candles while they waited and set them around the room, turning the lights down low, both for her comfort and the ambiance. When steaming water filled the large tub, Ziva turned to face him, still in just her bra and shorts, and undressed, sinking into the water and under the bubbles quickly.
Appreciating her bravery, Tony shed his clothes and joined her, enjoying the heat on his tired muscles. Ziva was leaning back with her eyes closed, waiting for the relaxing properties of the bath to do their work. Taking a chance, Tony lay back against his wife's chest, gratified to feel her arms come around him. They lay there in the water, barely moving, for a long time. Then Ziva placed a row of kisses down his neck, her fingers swirling through his chest hair before moving to his back.
Tony didn't dare turn around, because if he did his resolve would be tested more than he was ready for. So he just let Ziva's hands work out the kinks and tried to relax. Finally he sat up and kissed her, before encouraging his wife to lay back so he could get her hair wet. She did and he gently massaged shampoo and conditioner into her scalp and rinsed it out, moving to the body wash next. Ziva took it from him and did his back and chest, smiling when he returned the favour.
Once the water cooled, Tony pulled the plug and got towels for both of them. It amazed him sometimes how often they didn't need to use words to communicate. But as they were laying in bed, he molded his body to hers and kissed behind her ear. "I love you Zi." Those words, for sure, would always be important to use. And hearing them back was one of his greatest gifts.