Session 19: In Which We Get a Spoonful of Shoone

The meeting, startlingly, is not in the cabin. After Richard's incessant whining, Carletta has grudgingly allowed him to move the meeting to the Black Rock. She still doesn't understand why – don't say anything but she's not watched the latest episode of Lost yet…

Carletta: Howdy folks! Well it's been a while since our last meeting…

Jack: *interrupts* Yeah, it's been too long! I mean how have you all survived without me in your lives?

Richard: Did anyone see my centric episode of Lost? PLEASE TELL ME SOMEBODY SAW IT!

Sawyer: *ignoring Richard* What's up with Metro and Sticks over there? I mean I know they argue like twenty times a day but that…that is just ridiculous.

*We cut to Shannon and Boone who are, shall we say, preoccupied. Shannon has Boone in a headlock and is viciously ruffling up his precious, bouncy brown hair*

Carletta: Oh God! They are honestly about as bad as Nikki and Paulo, except slightly more tolerable. *thinks* Actually that was an insult to Boone and Shannon, I take that back; they are far more tolerable than Nikki and Paulo.

Nikki: OI! I'll have you know we had some very memorable lines.

Sawyer: Sure you did, Lolly. Can I just point out that over half of them were either incoherent or the ravings of a deranged blonde? If we'd known you'd said "paralysed", we would've… *thinks* Actually we still would've buried you alive.

Richard: HAS ANYONE SEEN MY CENTRIC EPISODE OF LOST YET?

Jack: YO! Boone and Shannon! Some of us aren't getting any younger here! You wanna come and do your session or what?

Boone: *looks abashed* Sorry. Shannon just decided to be a complete and utter bitch.

Paulo: How come we've never spoken before, Boone? We both have women who are blonde, slightly psychopathic and who are dumber than… *looks flabbergasted* er…something that's really, really dumb.

Nikki: Nice metaphor…dumbass.

Carletta: I think that's enough conversation for dummies for now. *sighs* Ok, Shannon and Boone…who wants to start?

Shannon: *smirks* I'd like to point out whilst everyone else was helping out during the crash, my brother was running around looking for a pen. Who does that?

Boone: *looks outraged* At least I was running around and actually doing something! You were just standing there screaming! For me as well!

*Sawyer smirks and then starts to whisper something to Juliet who cracks up with laughter. She whispers it to Kate who whispers it to Jack who whispers it to Charlie and so on and so forth…*

Carletta: Excuse me…what are you all whispering about? Care to share it with the rest of the group?

Sawyer: Just being an avid fan and noticing that Lost throws a lot of parallels our way.

*Nikki's brain explodes after hearing that sentence and not understanding a single word in it. Paulo's brain also explodes because, let's face it, if you hang out with Nikki your intelligence will be affected…*

Jack: Sawyer noticed that Nikki and Paulo are very much the Boone and Shannon of season three.

Carletta: Really? The majority of us noticed that fact seasons ago.

Claire: I don't get it… how exactly are Nikki and Paulo like Boone and Shannon? I happen to like Boone and Shannon as a matter of fact.

Sawyer: *sighs* Well, doll, there's the fact that at least one of the pairings stood still whilst the other was running around during the crash. For the former situation, it was Shannon and Paulo and for the latter it was Boone and Nikki.

Charlie: Does anyone else think those two couples should've really happened?

Jack: Would've made a lot more sense…and would've been better to watch as well.

*All of a sudden, Richard steps up out of his chair and whispers something to Jack*

Sawyer: What's the little pipsqueak saying, doc?

Jack: I don't know…It was an incoherent sentence, something along the lines of "Havoo seeny Latin epsode of lom" … Whatever that means.

Carletta: Well I say it's a good thing we have someone who can translate utter gibberish. *turns head* Over to you, Dan.

Daniel: *thinks for a moment* My best guess? I think he was asking you, Jack, if you'd seen the latest episode of Lost?

Jack: Oh. Did it have me in it?

Richard: NO! IT DID NOT! Well, for a split second it did. But most of the episode was about me. *smiles dreamily*

Jack: That's probably why I didn't watch it all then.

*Richard gets momentarily angry and whacks a newspaper against Jack's head. It makes a beautiful thwack and then echoes…for a long time.*

Shannon: Can I move away from Little Miss Trigger Happy over there? *gestures to Ana* She's making me feel uncomfortable.

Charlie: Yeah, I can't help but notice, Carletta, that you've placed all the dead people next to those who killed them.

*We pan out and see he's right. Shannon is next to Ana, Charlie is next to Mikhail, Boone is next to Locke, Alex is next to Keamy etc…*

Carletta: Hm, I guess I did. It was merely a coincidence.

Eko, Locke: Don't mistake coincidence for fate!

Carletta: I guess I had that coming…

Locke:*looks outraged* I never killed Boone! What gives, huh? I DEMAND A RETRIAL!

Jack: This isn't a trial, John. This is therapy. This is where we guys come to talk about our problems.

Locke: Guys don't talk to guys about guy problems! We just sort of…punch each on the shoulder. It's the American/British/Canadian/Korean/any other country way!

Kate: *rolls her eyes* That's stupid.

Locke: To a girl. To a guy, that's like six months of therapy.

Carletta: So…if you all punch each on the shoulder, you're automatically saner than you were? That's crazy.

Boone: Like… *peeps through hands* HELLOOOOO!

Kate: *waves* Hello!

Carletta: Oh…sorry. What issues did you specifically want to talk about?

Boone: Not a lot really… I've got a list. *unfolds a list which rolls on to the floor and out of the Black Rock*

Shannon: *laughs cruelly* Oh for God's sake, Boone! You didn't seriously actually make a list of everything that's wrong with us, did you?

Boone: Of course not…

Shannon: Good.

Boone: I made a list of everything that's wrong with you.

Carletta: *aside* Oh boy… this could take a while. *to Boone* Ok, sport…what really bugs you about Shannon?

Boone: She's completely self-centred! She never thinks about anyone else's feelings but her own and in the two seasons she was on the show, she never changed.

Sayid: I object to that! I found her to be a lovely, sincere and vulnerable young woman. You never saw that side to her because you're used to seeing a different Shannon and that's how you treated her.

Boone: W-what?

Sayid: You treated her like she was incapable of the simplest task and like a selfish American brat because that's how you were used to seeing her. Did you ever sit down and ask her how she was really feeling and what she really thought about things?
Boone: No, but…

Sayid: BUT NOTHING! I achieved a victory for Team Shayid!

Shannon: YAY! My hero!

Carletta: *sourly* I could've told you that. You need to stop butting in, Sayid!

Sayid: Don't make me go all kung-fu therapist on you, Miss Carletta. *stands up* See me in all my glory! See me rise above the others because I'm better than everyone else!

Boone: See me interrupt you because you're being a bit of a berk.

Sayid: *produces a wrench and turns his head* See me raise my wrench and turn slightly psychopathic!

Boone: See me retire gracefully from all this 'see me this, see me that' business.

Sayid: See me say NEEEEEEEVER, because this is about the closest to a conversation we're ever gonna get.

Boone: See me back away nervously and hide behind Locke.

Sayid: See me smirk and wink at Shannon. *does so*

*Boone stands up and raises his fists*

Boone: See me try to get a quick punch in before you hit me… *aims and misses a punch at Sayid* and fail… *tries to hit him again* TWICE!

Sayid: See me laugh at you until I choke. *laughs until he chokes*

Boone: I'm actually going to stop this now because this conversation will end up killing one of us, most likely me.

Sayid: *looks disappointed* See me say "oh I rather enjoyed this 'see me this, see me that' business."

Carletta: See ME put an end to this stupid business before I go grey with boredom!

Shannon: Anyway… MY main problem with Boone is, like Sayid said, he treats me like my younger, more selfish self. I have actually changed y'know!

Boone: Yeah, right!

Richard: Never mind about all that… has anyone seen the latest episode of Lost?

Shannon: How are we ever gonna resolve our issues if you don't accept the fact I've changed? Oh yeah, I know why…because you love me!
*Everyone gasps, utterly shocked at this latest revelation.*

Sawyer: That is a piss take, surely? You have to wonder what kind of lives these writers live. *mocks them* "Ooh how 'bout we make a brother and sister be on the plane and make the brother be in love with the sister." *scoffs* 'Cause that ain't a sick, twisted plot line at all.

Juliet: Now, now, James…you can't help who you fall in love with.

Boone: THANK YOU! I love this woman!

Juliet: *nervously* Steady on there…we've never even met.

Daniel: *excited* We should make a wormhole and create a space-time continuum whereby we find a scenario where you do meet! It's exciting stuff!

Sawyer: *glares at him* No, Twitchy; exciting is when you fall in love or go out with your mates. Exciting is not trying to bend the rules of physics.

Daniel: There's no need to mock me, James. At least I know how to treat women better than you.

Charlie: Owned by a physician. *shakes his head* I can't even laugh at you, it's that sad.

Sawyer: *to Dan* You watched Recon didn't you?

Charlotte: Oh that's right! You dated me, slept with me and then told me to go away. I completely blocked that out…

Daniel: I would hit you for doing that but…I'm too scared to.

Carletta: *frustrated* This is not the time or session to discuss your issues with a physicist, Sawyer. Maybe way, way, way in the future we'll give you two a session but not now.

Boone: To get back to the point of this session, yes I have accidentally sort of almost kind of fallen in love with Shannon. She's my step sister though.

Ben: Oh, like that makes any difference, Mr Carlyle.

*Boone stares at Ben in a WTF expression. Ben stares back, his creepy eyes bulging, wearing a smirk and looking more deranged than ever.*

Boone: Having been killed off in season one, I need to know…who the hell is this guy?

Charlie: Haven't you been paying attention these last bazillion sessions? He's Benjamin Linus/Henry Gale.

Boone: I really need to catch up on this show. I watched it up until the season 5 finale and then I started watching something else.

Charlie: Ooh is it my new show? Flash-forward?

*Sawyer whacks Charlie around the head with a wet fish.*

Sawyer: It's just any excuse to advertise that show with you, isn't it?

Boone: No, although I do enjoy watching it from time to time. It's… *turns red*

Shannon: God, what a sad act. He watches his own bloody show, Vampire Diaries. Why? Is it because of the one or two topless scenes you have? Do you like ogling yourself then, pretty boy?

Boone: It's interesting how you know there are topless scenes in it. *smirks* Why, Shan, I didn't know you cared.

Shannon: I don't. I just watch it from time to time to mock you.

Boone: Sure, sure.

Ben: We're wasting precious time on this adolescent squabble? We need to focus on the heart of the mysteries of the show, the real, nerve grinding issues and the characters who we all secretly yearn to be shoved away for a couple of episodes or so.

Jack: You're not talking about me, are you? *looks worried*

Ben: *in his best Dirty Den voice* 'Ello, princess.

Carletta: Getting back to Boone and Shannon…I can't even remember what we were saying.

Boone: As I recall, Shannon was just getting round to telling me she cares.

Shannon: Of course I do, you noob! I felt so empty after you died and it was something I could never get over. I even nearly injured my perfect arms trying to lug your stuff off of the beach to save it from the sea.

Jack: *quietly* See me wipe away a secret tear.

Kate: See me watch and run away because that's what I do.

*Carletta whacks them both on the head with Eko's Jesus stick*

Boone: *hopefully* So, do you admit that you love me?

Shannon: No because I don't.

Boone: Oh I get it. *winks at her* You don't want to admit it in front of everyone. I understand.

Shannon: *glares* No. I'm not admitting it, simply because there's nothing to admit! I love Sayid, who admittedly forgot about me after a few episodes.

Sayid: I always thought about you! I wasn't the same after you d-d-died. *sniffs* What about me? Don't I deserve a few tears or a cursory hug?

*Jack comes up and hugs him*

Sayid: NOT FROM YOU!

Carletta: As usual, we stray from the point. I'm going to make this simple and give you the brutally honest truth. Boone – you get weird around girls, like a stalker. Back off, leave your sister to her own devices, and get a life! It's not gonna happen, sunshine. *sighs* Shannon, you have to appreciate what your brother does for you. No matter how stalker-like he can get, he's family.

Locke: OH MY GOD! What is it with you people and family? THE ISLAND IS YOUR FAMILY NOW!

Jack: *getting angry* I am up to HERE with you and your 'island talk'.

Locke: Well I am up to HERE with you and your stupid 'science talk'.

Jack: Well….maybe we're the same height then.

Ben: Is that a dig at the smaller people? Are you saying we're munchkins? Are you being politically incorrect? Do I have to massacre all the tall people like I did the Dharma folk? Am I asking too many questions?

Jack: Yes, yes, no, no, maybe. I'll phone a friend on the last one.

*Carletta gets frustrated, like usual, and whacks Jack around the head with a pillowcase.*

Boone: There's been a lot of violence here today.

Shannon: Well done, Captain Obvious! You are so shallow. *paints toenails*

Richard: Has anyone seen my centric episode? I ACTUALLY HAVE A BACK STORY PEOPLE!

Charlie: Don't we all? Yours just took a bazillion seasons to get on screen.

Richard: *mournfully* I know.

Shannon: Hello? Still in need of therapy here! I was re-watching Lost the other day, as you do, and I noticed an interesting connection.

Jack: *underneath his breath* Here it comes…

Shannon: Is it true, Jack, that you chose to let my father die so you could save a young, admittedly hot, blonde woman?

Jack: Yes but I had to consider the quantity of life they'd both experienced. Plus the woman had a chance of living, whereas your father had sustained massive internal injuries…

Shannon: Don't go all 'doctor' on me, Jack!

Nikki: Why? Because you don't understand half the words?

Shannon: *in a dangerous tone of voice* Considering the hypocrisy of that statement, I suggest you close that big gob of yours.

Nikki: Hypocrisy, huh? That's a big word for such a blonde woman.

*Shannon pauses and then launches herself at Nikki. The two entangle, in what can only be described as a big, blonde blob. Everyone watches as the fight disappears outside the Black Rock and disappears into the jungle.*

Carletta: I'm actually surprised they've not had any scenes together. It just seems like they should've clashed before.

Locke: *knowledgably* That's because they were a last minute addition to the season three cast. That's when the writers decided they were a big mistake and killed them off in their debut episode.

Ben: H-How do you know these things?

Locke: I'm death.

Ben: Oh sorry… *in a louder tone of voice* HOW DO YOU KNOW THESE THINGS?

*Locke shakes his head and decides not to answer.*

Boone: What's the deal with the baby being born when I die, huh? And don't give me that whole 'circle of life' crap! I want an answer and I want it now!

Locke: Steering clear of the whole 'sacrifice the island demanded' speech, I think it's a pretty cool thing that happened. Symbolic really.

Boone: Great. That's what everyone wants to hear about their deaths…it was symbolic.

Ana: *glares at him* Don't be so ungrateful. At least you weren't killed off because you were the most unpopular character on the show! And there's nothing symbolic about getting shot in the chest either, so be grateful that your 'death' was that little bit more special. *folds arms*

Michael: I'm sorry, Ana, but weren't you suicidal anyway? I distinctly remember you saying 'I can't do this anymore'.

Ana: How does that imply suicide? I was at the point of making a dramatic change in my personality, thus becoming a nicer person and then BAM!

Jack: Bomb?

Ana: *in disgust* You and your bombs!

Jack: The writer's aren't very creative with their deaths are they? You might get shot, drown, die in some horrible, fiery explosion or become the smoke monster's next meal.

Boone: What about my death? It was definitely an ironic death. I survived one plane crash, only to die in another. *laughs* Actually…that's not funny at all. I wished I'd hung around longer.

Charlie: *wryly* Don't we all, Boone.

Shannon: My death wasn't exactly fun either. Getting shot by a trigger happy Latina whilst chasing Walt through the jungle in the pouring rain wasn't exactly a great way to go.

Boone: *sigh* Only Charlie's death seemed to have any poetry in it. Dying in the place of someone you love seems like a good way to go.

*Sun sits up, aware this is a direct quote from the Twilight movie, and attempts to communicate this to everyone else but ends up falling off her seat in all the excitement.*

Charlie: Drowning isn't exactly a fun way to go, though.

Sawyer: Will y'all stop talking about the best way to die? It's a morbid topic and you're killing the conversation! God, it's like the death version of bingo. They just need to cover getting blown up by a hydrogen bomb and…

Juliet: BINGOOOOO!

*Everyone turns to stare at Juliet, a normally calm and sane person. She grins and leans against James' shoulder*

Ben: Now that is an overdue reaction to being trapped on an island, seeing pregnant women die and being in the middle of those flashes.

Charlotte: So I get a nosebleed and die and she goes insane and lives? I hate this place. *sulks*

Carletta: Because it's the twentieth session next week, and we've not successfully killed each other yet, I've come up with an idea to host an award thingy.

Sawyer: Thingy? Gee, glad you're specific on these things, doc.

*Carletta glares at him but manages not to hit him*

Carletta: We'll have nice awards like 'Best Lost Character', silly ones like 'Biggest Cry Baby' and sentimental ones like 'Most Emotional Death'. It'll be good. I think after all the crap you guys go through you deserve to be recognised for who and what you are.

*Everyone is rendered speechless by the affectionate display Carletta has just shown. Sawyer just rolls his eyes and Jack fights Locke for the tissues, in a sudden one man combat using boxes. Just…don't ask.*

Charlie: Can I just say that - ?

Carletta: No, you can't.

Charlie: But I –

Carletta: Not interested.

Charlie: You're not being fair –

Carletta: Tough. Deal with it.

Charlie: I just wanted to –

Carletta: I've heard enough out of you, Charlie. Shush.

Claire: Carletta, I think you should at least –

Carletta: Nobody should have an issue with my sessions. Nobody.

Charlie: *huffily* Fine. I died for everyone and co-starred in arguably the best episode of season six so far, but whatever.

Desmond: *to the tune of 'I got a Feeling' by Black Eyed Peas* We got a feelin', that this love's gonna be a good, good love…

Boone: I liked that episode. Not that I keep tabs on you or anything like that. I'm a vampire now!

*Shannon and Nikki return to their seats, both looking dishevelled and wearing scratches along their cheeks. They don't say a word as Carletta speaks again.*

Carletta: If we can make it through at least one session without mentioning those bloody vampires I'll be happy. I think, for now, we can round this session up.

Boone: But me and Shannon haven't resolved our issues yet! This is unfair!
Carletta: *snappily* So is the fact that Nikki and Paulo still exist amongst the season three DVDs but you don't hear people complaining about that.

Shannon: She's got a point, Boone. At least we can be thankful that whatever problems we have, at least we weren't so unpopular that we were named the writers' worst mistake!

*Sawyer leans forward, as if to point something out, but shrugs and leans back in his seat as he decides to keep his mouth shut*

Carletta: There you go! There's a silver lining for every cloud. We can conclude this session and hope to God you two settle down until, like, the fiftieth session.

Charlie: Do you really think we'll need that many sessions?

Carletta: *gazes at him* I wouldn't put anything past this loony lot at this point. *Sighs* But they're my loony lot.

Charlie: Actually, technically we belong to 'Darlton' and the creative team of Lost. We're just your clients.

*Carletta just glares at him until he shrinks into his chair and melts into peanut butter with fright*

A.N: Sorry about the delay in posting. Looking back this isn't really funny but it's something isn't it? Without spoiling anything the latest episode of Lost made me seriously depressed. I loved it – but it's the closest I've come to actually wanting to throw something at the show in utter hatred. Some of the things I wrote before I wrote the episode just seem really flat now. I'll get my muse back as the show progresses but still…Thanks Lost. You've temporarily squashed my muse.

On a positive note…THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS! ;) love ya!