Session 20: In Which Awards Are Given

We rejoin the group in Jacob's cabin, whereby the seating has vastly changed since last time. All the couples are together and those who never had a romance sit together, smiling and pretending they don't actually care that they are alone…but they do. Carletta is a blubbering mess on the floor and the session has been temporarily taken over by a surprising – and disturbing – figure…the man in black.

MIB: *Cheerfully* Hello, everyone. For those who don't know, or are too thick to have worked it out, I am the other woman…Er, the man in black. Sorry, I don't know where that came from!

Jack: BASTARD!

MIB: *Sighs* I will be getting that all the way through this I just know it. Carletta is currently a mess right now, after watching the finale so, just for tonight, I'll be leading this session. First of all, any thoughts?

Richard: I HAVE MY FIRST GREY HAIR! *beams with happiness* I can grow old, the way I was supposed to!

*Out of pure happiness, he leans over and kisses Ben on the cheek giving birth to a new ship… Bichard or Ren*

Miles: HOW EPIC WAS THAAAAAAAAT? I wonder what happened to me though… *muses*

Charlie: You mean you don't know? Say whaaaaat?

MIB: *to Charlie* I've only met you once and already I can sense how irritating you are. Never, I repeat never, say that sentence again in your life.

Miles: I obviously didn't move on, so I assume I'd stayed behind to fulfil my lifelong dream of owning a petting zoo.

Ben: Is this a good time to mention I like bunnies?

Sun: I was disappointed that we never got to learn about the origins about the statue…I assume it's filled with a giant stack of Twilight books though? I mean that's what I'd do with it.

Jacob: *rolls his eyes* The statue is not filled with Twilight books.Nor is it, as Richard told everyone, a stash of pornography!

Richard: *grins* Well, it would've answered the question about how you spent your billions of years on the island without losing your sanity. I made a funny. *giggles*

MIB: I can't BELIEVE I was killed off – I could not believe that decision! And to go about it in somebody else's body was just…sad. Genius, but sad. Anyway - now for the awards. I could make a speech about how good everyone was but, in all honesty, I really wanted you all dead. Sorry. We'll get the silly awards out of the way first. *clears throat* Most hilarious and eagerly anticipated death – Oh God! Everyone knows this!

Boone: We do? If this is an inside joke to do with the time we weren't around then – Well, there's pretty much nothing I can do about it!

MIB: This is a stupid award but I might as well read out the nominations – Nikki and Paulo being buried alive.

Nikki: WOO-HOO! *frowns* Wait…this isn't a good category to be nominated for is it?

*Paulo rolls his eyes and tries to look like he's in the know when he clearly isn't. He's as fake as the tan he slaps on in order to make himself look good*

MIB: No, it isn't Nikki! Ilana's dynamite death is another nomination. That was quite a shock actually; the fact that two people died exactly the same way, I mean, not the fact that a tedious and bitchy character was yet again blown off our screens.

Ilana: Well da-amn.

MIB: Quite. And there's also a random dude listed here who got killed by Sayid's legs. Hmm…what a way to go – having your neck snapped by a lovable but dangerous torturer.

Sayid: Those were the days when violence actually had a point. I don't know if anyone else thought this but I think the violence in season six was quite pointless. Had I not been influenced by the DARK SIDE I think the violence would've made a lot more sense.

MIB: Anyway, we are veering off subject here. The winner is – surprise, surprise – Nikki and Paulo! Heaven be praised that we never saw them again after season three.

Nikki: YAY! What do we win?

MIB: Well, for everyone else's awards they get trophies and things. You get something special – the option of staying alive providing you keep your mouth shut for the rest of your lives!

*Nikki looks hurt and looks around but everyone dodges her look, choosing to stare around vacantly and pretend she doesn't exist.*

Charlie: *in an enthusiastic tone of voice* That is the smartest thing anyone has ever said about anything ever.

MIB: I'm an orator – what can I say? *smiles roguishly*

Charlie: I beg your pardon? You want to have oral what?

MIB: Never mind. Intelligence is wasted on you, I see. Next award is for Most Kickass Moment Ever! Lost has provided lots of these.

Sawyer: Yeah, like this! HI-YA! *does a karate chop on the chair and nothing happens* SON OF A BITCH! My f*#ing hands!

Miles: That chair just owned you man! I would laugh but it's just sad.

Sawyer: Shut it, Chicken Chow Mein.

Miles: Ooh, using food from my culture as an insult – how original!

MIB: *rolls eyes* Ok… the nominations are; Sayid breaking a guy's neck with his legs; Sun hitting Ben with an oar; the fight between me and Jack; and my epic attack on the temple in season six.

Sun: WOW! I'm actually in this one!

Jin: You hit Ben with an oar? And I thought I was the violent one!

Sun: Yeah well, I'm more kickass than you. Sorry, honey! Plus at least people liked me violent. You were just mean. THE TABLES HAVE TURNED NOW BITCH! *laughs evilly*

Jin: Ouch. Owned by my own wife. IS THERE NO GOD?

Sayid: What's the result? Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me.

Jack: Wow. You come across as being a little needy after that, Sayid.

MIB: *grins* The result is the epic fight between me and Jack. We could fight over who gets the trophy but I don't think me killing you again will accomplish anything. We'll just assume I'll get it.

Claire: I'm a pacifist – or I was - but I have to admit that the fight scene in the rain was pretty epic. But I have reasons of my own why I found the finale so incredibly beautiful. *smiles at Charlie*

Sayid: BLEURGH! That was me pretending to throw up.

MIB: MOVING ON! Don't forget I can easily turn into black smoke and kill you all…or, alternatively, pollute you all to death. It's a slower but more fun way to do the job. So don't piss me around!

Jack: I'm actually missing Carletta...

MIB: *fuming* WHAT DID I JUST SAY, JACK?

Jack: Oh what's the point? I'm already dead! Do it! Just kill me now. SMITE ME, OH MIGHTY SMITER!

Locke: Is it just me, or can you hear a thousand lawsuits being filed against us because of that copyrighted quote?

Jack: We've stolen a thousand quotes from other things, Locke, and now you decide you care? You can't just…Wait a minute. I know if I say that, you'll throw it back in my face with 'Don't tell me what I can't do, Jack' so I'm going to just not respond.

*Long pause follows that sentence.*

Sawyer: I do believe that's the first intelligent thing you've ever said, doc. Do we have an award for the best breakthrough of intelligence on the show?

MIB: Nope. But the next award is an interesting one because, frankly, any one of you could win it. It's the Most Irritating Lostie ever to befall our screens. Note it says Lostie and not Losties. Nikki and Paulo will be out of the running because it says, and I quote, "winning an award, even if it's a stupidly fitting one, is the best thing to ever happen to them and they should never ever get a mention ever again."

Nikki: That's a bit of a steep demand, isn't it?

Paulo: Steep? It's effin' vertical.

MIB: I'm really sorry but you've irritated me enough. I have to devour you, at least for the rest of this session.

*He immediately turns into black smoke and chases Nikki and Paulo out into the jungle. We hear screams and cursing and then…silence. The MIB shortly returns.*

MIB: Sorry about that, trouble with the staff. *Clears throat* The nominees for the most irritating Lostie are…Ana Lucia…

Ana: WHAT? WHAT? HOW? Yeah, I may have deserved that one. *looks ashamed*

MIB: Arzt…who sadly can't be with us this evening as he has just exploded…again. And the third nominee is…Zoe.

Sawyer: Who?

Jack: Who?

Charlie: Say whaaaaat?

*Sawyer thwacks Charlie round the head with a battered copy of Watership Down*

MIB: She was the woman with the glasses in season six, easily the worst character to have ever crawled across our screens. Even Nikki and Paulo were more bearable and I've just destroyed them! The only good thing she ever did was open her mouth in front of me, which gave me the excuse to kill her off.

Miles: Ooh, you've got a lot of anger in you!

MIB: Well, duh! What do you think the smoke is, smoke? It's anger in its purest form.

This land is littered with failed rageaholics, hence the severe lack of smoke monsters. I only got to be so angry because my fake mother killed my real mother, I found out that as much as I wanted to leave and couldn't and that my so-called brother was in charge of making sure I never left.

Jack: So…you have just as much issues as the rest of us? Why have you never been in any of our meetings?

MIB: Because I'm awesome. Anyway, the winner is…oh. It's none of those three. Apparently, I missed a late nominee and the most irritating Lostie is in fact Frogurt.

Frogurt: What? Me? Why?

MIB: Firstly, for patronising the show's comic relief character Hurley AND trying to steal his girl in one of the Missing Pieces. Not cool. And secondly, you were never going to get anywhere with a name like Frogurt. But your death admittedly was one of the highlights of season five.

Frogurt: Thanks, I guess? What do I win?

MIB: Oh it's nothing really…

Frogurt: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything…

MIB: No, it's really nothing.

Frogurt: DAMN IT!

*He explodes*

Hurley: For old time's sake…Dude. Jack? You've got a little bit of Frogurt on…Oh never mind. I really don't wanna join the 'regurgitating-lines-from-other-episodes' gang. It's just not cool.

MIB: *impatiently* Ok, at the risk of getting me so angry I explode into smoke again, let's move on. Over the course of the show, we've had a bunch of flashbacks that have made really good television…blah, blah, BLAH! This award is for the person who has the best back story.

Charlie: Say whaaaat?

Jack: This sounds interesting. COME ON COUNT-TO-FIVE STORY!

MIB: If it was in terms of who has the most mysterious back story, it'd be Libby all the way!

Libby: I was promised an episode of my own and they let me down. Well, at least they'd promised my back story would be revealed and was it? NO! *sniffs*

Hurley: Cheer up, dudette. At least we finally got that date on the beach. I remembered the blanket this time.

*Libby smiles at Hurley and leans into him. Finally…a peaceful moment occurs within the group.*

MIB: Ok, the nominees for the best back story are… Kate, for her fugitive awesomeness and a story that made us all understand her actions better.

Kate: I'm so happy, I could just run away! *beams*

*Jack and Sawyer both roll their eyes*

MIB: Um, Sawyer's in here as well, for his, and I quote, 'back story which conveys the life of a conman who conceals a broken heart through his gritty, nasty actions.' Who wrote his crap?

Sawyer: Wow. I'm a nominee? I didn't even have to bribe anyone!

MIB: Locke is the third and final nominee and the winner I might have to add, for his wonderful and heartbreaking story of a man who just got crap thrown at him from all directions. Stupid, mean, nonexistent God!

Locke: I won? Seriously? Wow, it's just an…honour. I knew the island would… *stops*

Jack: What is it, John?

Locke: I'm waiting for you to interrupt with an unfounded comment about how I'm stupid to think the island is real and that you don't believe in destiny.

Jack: Well, if I did, it would be an unbelievable act of hypocrisy on my part. Do you know how many times I've defended you over the last couple of seasons? I hate to admit John – well, actually I don't – but you were ri-… you were, er, … it's stuck in my throat!

Locke: I know what you mean, Jack. Thanks.

*Carletta pops her head up, surprised at the lack of animosity between Jack and Locke. Her lip quivers and she bursts out crying again and goes back to hugging the floor.*

Charlie: Hey, Locke! Whilst we're resolving issues about hatred that stretches back into the vaults of time, do you think you and I could…?

Locke: No.

Charlie: Why not?

Locke: *After a long period of time* The island says it isn't time yet.

*Charlie stares at him, mouth open wide in surprise. Then he shrugs and decides he doesn't care and goes back to ogling Claire, as normal.*

MIB: Well, if you're all done with the soppy moment – please excuse me while I barf! – I'd like to proceed with the session. Biggest cry baby…well, there's no point reading out the nominees. Jack! Have a trophy.

Jack: What? How do I – oh wait, I do cry a lot. This trophy is an insult, an insult. But, for the sake of argument, I'll take it. GIMME IT!

*Snatches it off MIB and cradles it close to his chest, resembling Gollum from Lord of the Rings.*

MIB: Most shocking revelation. The nominees are – Jack and Claire being brother and sister; Locke in a wheelchair; and Ethan's double identity.

Ethan: If it's not me, I swear to God someone's going for the chop.

*Ethan stares evilly at Charlie*

MIB: It's Locke's victory again, are we really surprised? What a shock it was to see such an apparently strong man at his weakest and actually see the moment he could walk again. They don't make moments like that anymore.

Libby: They really don't, because they've ended the show.

MIB: How dare you outsmart me! I'd devour you but you're a likable character and Michael pretty much did my job for me.

Sawyer: How come the guy ended up as a whisper? I mean, I know he killed two women but surely the guy atoned himself by saving our lives on the freighter? I mean, we all did bad stuff and we never ended up as whispers.

MIB: It's not like you to take the moral high ground on this subject, Sawyer.

Sawyer: I know…it's strange up here, Man in Black. I'm not used to being up here, on moral high ground. *chuckles*

Michael: I don't get it either, but I deserve it. Besides, I get to freak the crap out of the people who next land on the island! How good's that?

Sawyer: How dare you enjoy it? You're being punished, scumbag! You killed two innocent women and unleashed Ben on us! How dare you talk to us!
MIB: *to Sawyer* Do you miss it, being up there on moral high ground? It's been a while since you were there...

Sawyer: It's cold and dark down here. I can see all your faces.

MIB: As much as I'd love to discuss the pros and cons of morality with you, Sawyer, it's time for the next award. This one is 'Best Death' – and I don't mean a death we enjoyed. It's a death the voters – whoever the hell they are – feel was the most emotional, the best directed, the best acted and the most shocking death. So, the nominees are; Charlie, obviously; Sun & Jin; Ana Lucia & Libby; and Daniel Faraday.

Charlie: If there's an award for least amount of grief produced when grieving please hand it to the cast! 'Cause from what I've heard, they spent about a few minutes crying and pretending to be sad and then went on their merry way! Sun and Jin – bless them – gained more reaction than me!

Sawyer: Oh just calm down will you! No one likes a moaner! God! Claire cried, Hurley cried, Jack cried and I died a little inside. Happy? YOU'VE MADE YER BLOODY POINT, OK?

*A stunned MIB claps him but the rest of the group edge their way backwards out of fear*

MIB: *clears throat* And the winner is…Charlie! Here's your trophy. I engraved it myself. It's of a diving man because…that's all I could think of. Here, take it!

*Charlie takes it and cuddles it and starts to declare his undying love for it. Everyone stares at him and then edges away from him too*

Claire: Er guys? Why does Ben have a fish?

Ben: I decided fish were in and bunnies were out. This is Swimmy. *displays fish with pride* If he displeases me, I shall do what I did to the Dharma folk and annihilate his species!

Sawyer: What worries me is that he's the kind of guy who'd actually take time out of his day to do that.

MIB: …and the winner of the weirdest, freakiest comment goes to Ben! *sighs* Now I know how your therapist became clinically insane. The next award is for the best couple. This will be interesting. *chuckles*

Kate: There's no question about which it'll be – me and Sawyer. No. Me and Jack. No. Me and Sayid. Who did I end up with again?

Sayid: Certainly not me. Lost has made some bizarre plots – like the whole time travel palaver, ooh-let's-blow-up-another-bomb-that'll-make-the-show-end-with-a-bang-literally – but it has never paired me and you together.

MIB: You're very sceptical today, Sayid.

Sayid: And? Wanna make something it?
MIB: God, no. Ok, moving on…again. The nominees are…Desmond and Penny; Jack and Kate; Sawyer and Juliet and Charlie and Claire.

Miles: Can I just say not only are all of those EPIC but they are also all have the letter 'e' in their names? Well, apart from Jack.

Sawyer: That was the most pointless fact from a pointless person! What did saying that achieve? No one is impressed! Well, except from Swimmy from the looks of things…

*Swimmy is swimming around unusually fast in his bowl. I got confused writing that as much as you did reading it…*

MIB: The winner is Desmond and Penny!

Desmond: YEEEEEEAH! That constant thing really kicked ass! Cheers, Faraday!

Daniel: *in his first and only line of the session* Your welcome.

Penny: Ah, wow. I guess it goes to show you that it really is all about love.

MIB: Hear, hear! Oh wait, I'm not supposed to agree. I dispute that! Prove that this show is all about love.

*The session runs on for about a year whilst everyone lists all the 'love' moments on the show*

MIB: Geez, you say one thing and then this happens! There's time for one last award, I think. Can't say it's been a pleasure being here because it hasn't. This is the biggest, most prestigious award entitled 'Best Character'. This is for someone who is consistently good, whose scenes are never boring, who constantly throws curveballs at us in terms of both plot and character development and whose centric episodes are consistently strong. It's John Locke!
*Locke staggers back in shock, falls over his chair and breaks his legs. He crawls and accepts the award in shock.*

Jack: *lip begins to tremble* But…but…but…

MIB: You would've won it Jack, had it not been for the Stranger in a Strange Land episode which was totally pointless. Other than learning what your tattoos meant, which we could've learned in a more relevant situation, we got nothing from it! Locke has been one of the strongest characters ever, with his amazing character development and his chilling back story.

Jack: You would know! You stole his identity!

Locke: WHAT?

MIB: No I didn't! If I insulted Locke's memory by wearing his face, you insulted his memory by calling me Locke.

Jack: WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU? SMOKEY?

MIB: Yes, because I'm part of team-alpha-super-cool-awesome-wolf-squadron! YEAH! I'd vote myself the most kickass character.

Ben: I shall call him Swimmy, and he shall be my Swimmy.

Charlie: Say whaaaat?

Jack: BASTARD!

Miles: THIS. IS. EPIC! I get the last line of the session. Well…er…I see dead people! That is all. That wraps up another goddamn session…

Charlie: Bagsy the last line!
Miles: DAMN IT!

Charlie: Er…bye! *giggles until Miles punches him* OWWWW!

A/n: AWWWEEESOME FINALE! I loved it! Great in terms of character resolution, not so great in dealing out answers but I still loved it! Thank you for reviewing. I love you all so much!

Next Session: In Which Sun and Jin (insert Korean here)