The weekend was a blur for Tony and Ziva as Chaya entered her twelve week growth spurt and started feeding every two hours around the clock. They slept as much as possible, only leaving their bed or the couch when hunger became impossible to ignore. By Sunday night they were both exhausted, but Tony still had the presence of mind to suggest a shower, not wanting to lose the progress they'd already made. After a week and a half sharing the shower was becoming such a habit that Ziva barely even thought about it. They were too tired tonight to put much effort into it, but Tony was glad for the relaxing, uninterrupted time together, getting clean was just a bonus.

Monday Tony and Ziva took comp time to spend the day at home. Chaya was feeding too often to be in daycare and Tony felt like a zombie, so it was easier that way. Ziva didn't realize until the phone rang at eight pm that she'd forgotten to call Duke. Since she was nursing the baby, she let Tony get the phone.

He answered and looked at her. "Hi Duke. No, nothing's wrong. Chaya's in the middle of a growth spurt and hungry all the time." Tony listened and nodded, covering the receiver to talk to Ziva.

"He expects to see you Wednesday, no excuses. He has good news." Ziva raised and eyebrow and Tony grinned. "No he won't tell you what it is, you'll have to come in and see."

Tony said goodbye to her trainer and hung up, then returned to the couch to sit with her and Chaya. "Call me crazy, but sometimes I miss the newborn days when it was just the three of us all the time."

Ziva slid her fingers into his hair and Tony fairly groaned in pleasure. "Things have changed a lot. But at least we still have some feedings and baths and our time together at night. And we are so much closer than we were in those early days."

His look was part contentment and part desire, but he tamped it down and pressed his lips to Chaya's head. "I love you baby girl. More than anything in this whole world except Mommy." Her expression was so tender he wanted to bottle it to keep for a reason to smile.

Later, in between feedings and at a time when they would normally be getting ready for bed, Ziva followed her husband into the bathroom and joined him in the shower. She leaned against him and put her lips by his ear. "I want your hands on me Tony."

His surprise and hesitation were clear, so Ziva smiled and slowly moved his hands to where she wanted them. Tony stared into her eyes, never looking away as his fingers explored and gently massaged the soft skin of her breasts. His reaction was obvious, but Ziva ignored it as she always did, having learned over these past days that Tony would always keep his promise to respect her body, no matter how naked she was or how much he wanted her.

She bit her lip to stifle her response to his touch, knowing full well how any little noises she made tested Tony's resolve to take things slow. Ziva looked up and her breath caught at the depth of emotions in her husband's eyes before Tony swiftly claimed her lips, his mouth taking over hers more ardently than normal. Ziva gave in to the kiss, letting him draw it out until finally the tension between them was too much and she broke away.

"Tony," she whispered and he blew out a breath, understanding what she didn't need to say, and reached for the shampoo. One step at a time, he just really needed to be reminded of that sometimes.

NCIS

Tony returned to work Tuesday because one of them had to be getting paid, but he drank coffee like he was practicing to be Gibbs and barely teased McGee all day, a tell-tale sign that things weren't right. He kept a close eye on Tim, waiting for the opportunity to talk without anyone listening in, before making his way to the probie's desk.

The senior field agent picked up and fiddled with the action figure that had been a gag gift for McGee awhile back. "So, you and Abby make up?"

McGee leaned back in his chair and met Tony's eyes. "We're working on it, but it's slow." He sighed. "I'm having a hard time forgetting the things she said when she was upset, and Abby...Abby just wants everything to be alright."

As if on cue, Abby appeared beside her husband. "A moment, Agent McGee?"

Tony smiled and backed away and Tim followed his wife to the alcove where she wrapped in him a long, tight hug and pulled back to kiss him slowly. "Just because I love you," Abby replied, answering the question in his eyes and turning to leave. McGee caught her hand and tugged her back to him, resting his hand along the side of her belly and waiting to feel movement. She slid her hand over his. "Not much going on today. It's probably getting a little crowded in there now."

He kissed her knuckles. "Thank you."

Abby turned away, not letting her smile drop until she was inside the elevator. Angry words hurt and they couldn't be taken back, she'd learned that lesson too well. But Abby missed the easy way she and Tim were together. He hadn't touched her in any more than an innocent way since Saturday, and that wasn't doing anything for her self-esteem even if she knew it wasn't because of the way she looked while pregnant. But he still said 'I love you' every morning and night and kissed her cheek before rolling over to sleep, and it was embarrassing how much she looked forward to going to bed for those reasons. Also because, whether he knew it or not, in his sleep Tim always reached for her, often spoke her name, and his body craved her nearness even if awake he was uncertain. That more than anything was proof of how wrong her assumptions had been. McGee loved her and only her, but it was hard waiting for the hurt to fade.

NCIS

By early evening Chaya's feedings were dropping back to three hours, though the time between them had been lengthening all day. Believing and hoping that her daughter would at least start attempting to sleep through the night again, Ziva dropped onto the couch and reached for the remote. The TV came on and the scene that she saw chilled her blood - a reminder of suffering that took her back to Somalia and shocked her so much she couldn't even switch the channel right away.

Finally she hit the off button and leaned over with her head in her hands, trying desperately to get control of her breathing, which was far too fast. Her vision narrowed and Ziva couldn't draw a full breath, so panic set in. That's what Tony walked in on, Ziva shaking on the couch and gasping for air.

He was in front of her in an instant and Ziva was too busy being overwhelmed to fight him when he pulled her back against his chest and encased her in his arms. "Breathe Zi, just breathe. That's it sweetheart, one at a time. A little slower, okay? Listen to my words Ziva, breathe with me - in, out, in, out, in, out. There." He brushed back her hair and twisted the rings around on her finger until finally Ziva blinked and tears of relief streamed down her cheeks when the tunnel vision and desert blurred images faded away and her heart slowly returned to its normal rhythm.

She shifted and tried to move away, but he wouldn't let go. Ziva patted his hand. "I am fine Tony."

"What I just saw wasn't fine Ziva, how often has that been happening?"

She frowned at the sharpness of his tone and looked over her shoulder to see worry heavy in his eyes. "I do not remember the last time. I would tell you if it was a regular occurrence."

He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, finally releasing her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound like I don't trust you. That freaked me out."

"Not just you," Ziva assured him.

"What happened?"

She waved her hand at the TV. "I saw the wrong scene in a show. It was too similar." She shivered and he folded his arms around her again, kissing her neck.

"Want me to make supper?"

Ziva pulled her knees up, quite content not to move for awhile. But finally she stood and reached for his hands. "We can make it together."

Tony kept a close eye on his wife for the next couple hours, but she seemed to be coping well. It wasn't until they went to bed that Ziva got restless, unable to find a comfortable position and not wanting to close her eyes. He'd been expecting some kind of reaction from her earlier panic attack and hadn't asked about showering or touching despite their recent progress.

But now he took Ziva in his arms and kissed behind her ear. "Have I told you lately that I love you?/Could I tell you once again somehow?/Have I told you with all my heart and soul how I adore you?/Well darling, I'm telling you now." Slowly Ziva relaxed and her body melted back into his as she listened to him sing. Running his fingers slowly over her hand and up her arm, Tony continued. "My heart would break in two if I should lose you/I'm no good without you anyhow/And have I told you lately that I love you?/Well darling, I'm telling you now."

"I love you," she breathed out, slipping her fingers between his. "Thank you."

"I'm just lucky my girls like my singing, not all guys have an appreciative audience." He tightened his arms and took a breath infused with the scent of her shampoo. "Sleep honey, I'll be right here."

It would've been nice if simply those words could have granted her a peaceful sleep, but Tony woke an hour later when Ziva's body started trembling beside him. It was instinct now to roll over and wrap his arms around her, though he couldn't remember moving away from her, but when Ziva shrank back into his chest, a whimper escaping as she tried to get away from whatever was hurting her, Tony felt tears sting at the corners of his eyes. He held her tighter, sheltering her with his body.

"Please Zi, don't do this," Tony whispered, even though he knew she had no say in the matter. "Don't go back there, stay here with me."

He was now in a quandary. To shake her out of the dream, he would have to let go of her and Ziva was clinging to his arm like he was her last link to safety. So Tony spoke in a normal voice into her ear, telling her about what Chaya had been doing that day, sharing his dreams for the future, remembering moments from their relationship - anything that might bring her out of the terror. She hadn't had a nightmare in weeks but Tony never forgot how painful they were to watch.

Finally, mercifully, Ziva woke with a gasp, jerking in his arms. Her face was wet with tears, her pjs damp with sweat. Without even a word she rolled towards him, seeking the comfort of her husband's embrace. When she felt tears drop on her hair because Tony was crying too, Ziva's heart filled with guilt...and love. They held each other through the early morning hours, needing the contact, the touch, to be sharing the same air. Sometimes it took moments like this to remind them that they really were alive.

NCIS

The nightmare rattled Ziva enough that sleep wasn't an option even after she'd calmed down. So, like in the old days, Tony got up and made her tea and brought a comedy upstairs to watch in their room. He was grateful when it made her smile, but the shadows in her eyes were deep and dark and even when they finally lay down again when the film was over, he wasn't sure she'd let herself rest.

Ziva got out of bed at four am, once her husband slipped back into slumber, and dressed quickly in workout clothes before hitting the sidewalk. She pushed herself hard and ran further than she had in months, not returning until it was time to feed Chaya. Quite unlike her usual self, she brought the baby in with a bottle so Tony could take care of her and sat huddled in the shower with very hot water streaming over her as she tried to forget the horrific pictures playing in her head from last night.

But Tony wasn't about to let her pull away so when she came out, back in long sleeves with her hair down and hiding her face, he placed Chaya in her arms and led both of them back to the bed, settling his wife and baby between his knees as he held them. He tucked Ziva's hair back and whispered 'I love you' into her ear, his fingers stroking lightly over her collarbone and up her neck over and over.

All of Ziva's murmuring to their baby was in Hebrew today, so he scrolled through the phrases he was slowly committing to memory and kissed her temple. "Yi'heye beseder." It will be okay.

She looked up at him with eyes trying so hard to be brave. "Azoy?" Really?

Tony swallowed. "Ani mavti'akh." I promise.

Ziva nodded, wanting to believe him, but she was very quiet. They walked into the bullpen an hour later holding hands and Gibbs took one look at Ziva, then glared at Tony. Nightmare, he mouthed and that was that. They case they got soon after was sufficient to distract everyone for the rest of the day and it was with great reluctance that Tony left her at six-thirty after Chaya nursed to take his daughter home. He was glad it was a Wednesday, Ziva desperately needed to be at Ops.

NCIS

Duke's eyes narrowed when Ziva walked into the gym at seven-thirty pm. She seemed almost timid, resembling the same unsure, beaten but not broken woman he'd met in October. "David." Her head jerked up and she dropped her bag in the corner before joining him. He looked her up and down and decided this was a really good time for his announcement. "I've got good news, you look like you could use some." Ziva waited. Without speaking, he gestured to the training ring and let his message sink in. "You're cleared for combat training Solider. Want to start with a little sparring?"

Light began to return to her eyes and Ziva climbed between the ropes and settled into position. He joined her and moved quickly, trying to catch her off guard. But Duke had underestimated her reflexes, especially tonight, and she spun away, circling around and watching him, wariness in her expression.

Duke thrust out a hand towards her, but Ziva deflected it and ducked the punch he threw next. With each movement they both upped the level of difficulty until both were going all out. A few of the guys gathered to watch, shouting encouragement and making bets. Finally, in an act that used Duke's momentum against him, Ziva took him to the ground and they ended up in a stalemate when he flipped back up and reached for her.

The crowd of men and a few woman clapped and cheered and Ziva smiled, feeling better for the first time since last night. A few men she recognized came up to ask for a try, but Duke sent them all back to work, not wanting her to overdo it on her first time. After that they moved to a small empty studio and spent time on disarming techniques and knife fighting with fake knives that beeped on contact but didn't hurt. Finally he put her on a stationary bike to cool down and ordered her to stretch well before she left.

Ziva didn't fight him on anything and once finished, dragged herself into the woman's locker room for a long, hot shower. When she walked into the house with wet hair, Tony's face fell and she knew right away that he'd been hoping to spend time with her in the shower, but despite the emotion she'd been able to work out, Ziva didn't think she could deal with any of that kind of togetherness right now.

She walked over and kissed him, smiling before she asked. "I would like to go to Ops every day Tony. I can do everything now and there is so much I hope to accomplish. Would you mind?" Ziva tilted her head to the side. "I will not go until Chaya is in bed." The baby fell asleep earlier since her growth spurt, leaving their evenings relatively free.

Tony swallowed hard. She'd come home already showered, so he automatically felt like Ziva was shutting him out. Now she wanted to spend every night at the gym with another man? That fact that Duke was a friend and not competition didn't make him feel any better. His heart beat painfully hard but he forced a neutral expression. "Sure, if that's what you need." Tony didn't know how to read the situation tonight and he was afraid to say no.

Ziva got a glass of water and trailed her hand across his back as she headed upstairs. "Thank you. I will be glad to see my body return to normal."

The last part was said under her breath and Tony didn't think it was meant for his ears, so he didn't try to correct her. She didn't listen anyways, even when he tried to tell her what he saw when he looked at her. He didn't think there was anything wrong with her, but Ziva obviously did, so he'd support whatever she needed to capture the elusive feeling of normalcy she sought. Following his wife to bed, Tony lay there for a long time with his eyes open, hoping she wasn't getting further away.

NCIS

His fears turned out to be unfounded, because the next night Ziva came home sweaty and disheveled and looking extremely hot when she led him upstairs to the bathroom. There was a whole lot more kissing and touching than usual, and though Ziva was growing bolder each time, he had yet to feel her hands on him any lower than his stomach. Since she seemed to be doing okay, tonight Tony went a step closer to the edge.

Once they got out and were towel clad, he took her hands and walked backwards to their bed. Tracing his fingers over the top of her towel, Tony looked into Ziva's eyes. "Lay with me sweetheart, just us, no clothes or towels. Will you let me hold you like that?"

She stiffened and looked away, frowning as her mind scrambled for a way to get out of this. But Tony's gaze was intense, his intent sincere and finally Ziva sighed. "Tony, I do not like being naked." In the shower was one thing, that couldn't be avoided, but on a bed in the arms of a man who could not conceal his desire for her? Very little made her more ill at ease.

Tony slid his fingers into her hair. "It's no different than the shower Zi, I promise. I won't do anything I haven't done before. Please?"

How to refuse a request like that? Slowly Ziva nodded, closing her eyes when Tony pulled the towel away from her body and let it drop to the floor. The cool air made her shiver, but it was more than the temperature. Tony got in first and she joined him, but as soon as he touched her, Ziva flinched. This was not okay, she did not like how vulnerable it felt.

Tony noted her reaction and made her look at him, but that wasn't enough. Ziva gritted her teeth for only a few minutes of his hands running slowly over her back and down her arms and legs, but then he made the mistake of moving too close and Ziva nearly jumped out of bed. She fumbled with her clothes and ran to the bathroom. Tony watched her go and sighed, rolling over to face the window and trying to think of anything but his warm naked wife in his arms.

When Ziva came back, he was wearing boxers and pyjama pants for an added layer of protection. He leaned up on one elbow and looked her over - a t-shirt and cotton pants were more than she usually wore. "Too much, huh?"

Ziva's fingers combed through her hair distractedly. "I am sorry."

Tony lifted one eyebrow. "Why?"

She dropped onto the bed. "For being a coward."

He slid closer and drew her in for a kiss, slowly so she didn't feel threatened. "That's the last thing I'd call you Zi."

"Well, this is how I feel. It is not as if I have never been close to a naked man before!" she said in exasperation.

"No," Tony agreed, "but the last time didn't exactly leave you with warm, fuzzy feelings. I get it Zi, I do."

Ziva frowned. "Well I do not. It has been ten months! Why can I not just get over it? Do not tell me these things take time because I am tired of hearing that." She sighed. "It does not make it any easier to want to be with you but be physically incapable of allowing that to happen."

"One step at a time Ziva, we only have to work on that." He brushed his fingers down her cheek. "It will get easier honey." It has to, he thought wearily. "Look how far we've already come."

Ziva leaned back into his arms. "You do not always have to be so understanding."

He held her tighter. "I spent too much of my life being angry and bitter, both about things I couldn't control and those which were my own fault though I didn't want to claim any responsibility. I don't want that now, with you."

She turned and kissed his cheek as she had in the bathroom when she apologized after Somalia. "You know that I love you?"

Tony stared into her eyes. "Babe, that is the one thing I never have to wonder about."