Session 22: In Which Plot Holes Devour Lost

Carletta has recovered from Sun's violent attack and is sitting in her chair, pressing a cold flannel against her head. Nobody seems to show any sympathy and Sun strokes her oar, looking strangely menacing…

Carletta: My head…It bloody kills! Now let's resume this session.

Jack: *sympathetically* I know…bless.
Carletta: Is that all you can say on the matter? Bless? Thanks a lot, Jack. It's nice to know your fix-everything attitude extends to me too. Right, today we're going to talk about Lost's plot holes. Sorry, but no character focus today.

Ben: WHAT? How dare you? You…you…you mean muffin!

*Juliet giggles at the insult and leans against Sawyer for support.*

Carletta: *raising an eyebrow* Ok… I think we're aware of Lost's many plot holes. I'm surprised it's not been titled Lost: The Big Cheese.

Miles: Like what? Give us a 'for instance'…or we'll burn your dog.

Carletta: I don't have a dog.

Miles: Then we'll burn your cat.

Carletta: I don't have a cat.

Miles: What do you have?
Carletta: A splitting headache and an irritating twerp chatting away at me.

Miles: *after a brief pause* WE'LL BURN YOUR HEAD AND THE TWERP!
Carletta: Why do you try so hard to be like Sawyer?

Miles: *hesitantly* I'm not.

Carletta: I'm sorry but we all saw Sawyer the moment you opened your mouth. Even Hurley said the freighter had sent another Sawyer.

Sawyer: I don't whether to be mildly offended at this or mildly amused. Considering I've lost my edge and contribute nothing to these sessions, I'll do both.

*He pulls a face which is a cross between offended and amused. This frightens the guest polar bears and various other creatures that have wandered in.*

Ben: I'm sorry….unless Miles is a plot point, this is really irrelevant. Damn…when did I start being more tolerant? Normally, I would just shoot you all and go about my day.

Alex: Er, hello? Didn't my death prove anything?

Ben: Go back to sleep over there, Alex. You were a nice character…while you lasted.

*Alex glares at him and starts spitting feathers…literally. Hey! You bought the whole 'time travel' palaver in season five! Don't look at me like that…*

Carletta: Resuming the whole 'bad Ben' image are we?

Ben: YEP!

Carletta: Can we think of any plot holes you want to address? Is there anything that wasn't resolved or anything you weren't happy with?

Daniel: Yes…I never got to try a fish biscuit.

Carletta: That's not a plot point, Dan.

Daniel: *sounding mildly outraged* Well, it took up most of season three didn't it?

Sawyer: Try no and then try…SHUSH!

*Daniel looks dejected and goes to sit next to Charlotte, who looks unusually sympathetic and lets him rest his head on her shoulder. See? Not ignoring the cuter ships! So stop emailing in! Lol.*

Walt: How about me?

Everyone: WALLLLLLLLLT!

Michael: What the hell?

Charlie: Not to be a nudge, but I'm sort of out of peanut butter here. *taps jar* Bone dry…

Carletta: We haven't seen you in, like, forever! Where were you?

Walt: Oh I've been here, enjoying being ignored by everyone and the writers. Oh those bloody writers!

Sawyer: Since when did you start swearing? How come you're taller? Why isn't Michael asking these questions?

Michael: - Is in a state of shock –

Walt: How come my powers were never explained? How come I wasn't allowed to come back for the finale? – Is Angry –

Jack: Ooh…hyphens!

*Carletta rolls her eyes*

Carletta: I think it kind of reflects the show if our main hero gets so easily distracted.

Boone: Can anyone recap what actually happened to Walt? Who the hell is he? I've forgotten seeing how I was WRITTEN OUT OF THE SHOW! God, death sucks!

Carletta: And we're back to the first session all over again.

Juliet: *all in one breath* Walt was Michael's kid who didn't like Michael at first and hung around Locke all the time even though it initially seemed like he was a strange wizened old man who would sell him magic beans that never would've worked; instead, they made a friendship which seemed like it was going to have spectacular impact on everything but it didn't and Walt eventually disappeared after his father murdered Ana and Libby and we only saw him twice after that. *pants*

Sawyer: That, strangely enough, is the best summary of Walt ever. Want a job on Lostpedia?

Juliet: You own it?

Sawyer: Yeah…I occasionally alter things on it for my own amusement.

FLASHBACK! QUE CREEPY NOISE AS IF SOMETHING IS ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN…

*Sawyer is typing. Where he got the computer from is yet another mystery to add on to the massive pile.*

Sawyer: Let's alter Jack's middle name to Jack Isagay Shepherd. Jacob's date of birth shall be, um, 10,000 BC. Lost never gave us an actual date so…screw it, I'm making it up.

Writers of Lost: DAMMMN!

Sawyer: Now onto Facebook… Richard is in a relationship with Jacob… No surprise there. Let's mingle this up a little bit.

FLASHBACK ENDS. THERE YA GO. THAT WAS MORE PRODUCTIVE THAN HALF THE FLASHBACKS ON THE SHOW.

Jack: Ooh…capitals.

Kate: Is that why my relationship status changed from 'it's complicated' to 'engaged to Sayid'? You…you…you… genius!

Charlie: Peanut butter jar still empty guys…

Penny: What about my status? I put a really nice one down and now it reads 'Penny is thinking about Sawyer's chest.'

Carletta: HELLO? *waves wildly* We can discuss the wave of Facebook crime later. Let's get back to Walt and his, er, super powers.

Michael: Can you fly?

Walt: No.

Michael: Can you shoot lasers from your eyes? That would make me look like less of a bad father if you did.

Walt: Sorry. No.

Michael: Well, can you at least not disappear every single time I'm on screen. We've not, like, bonded in forever.

Walt: No.

Locke: What can you do, Walt? Is it about your Inner Eye which only got mentioned once and then was soon forgotten in the grander scheme of less important plot points?

Walt: I don't actually have a name for it. I guess it's kind of along the lines of telekinetic energy.

Ben: Energy huh? *looks evil* I shall harness his energy and rule the world!

Carletta: I guess they couldn't fit you into the storyline, Walt. Literally. I mean, look at you! You're freakishly tall.

Walt: *rolls his eyes* Haven't you all heard of 'growing up'?

Sawyer: Yeah but you take it to a whole new level.

Walt: So the island disappears, you all go back and forth in time, you blast open a hatch and subsequently blow it up but because I shoot up a few inches suddenly Lost has become crazy?

Locke: Yes. You weren't supposed to grow taller, Walt.

*Walt sighs in exasperation and sulks in his chair.*

Michael: Ha, ha, now he hates you too. Wait…

Desmond: I've got another hole for ya, sister. Why has no one bloody told me why I can survive cataclysmic explosions? There's been no explanation to that.

Charlie: IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!

*Claire giggles and falls off her chair.*

Daniel: I've got a theory…but there's good news and bad news.

Desmond: The bad news?

Daniel: It's way more complicated and sounds less cute than the whole 'Constant Theory'.

Desmond: And the good news?

Daniel: I get to put on the SCIENCE WIG!

*He puts on the science wig and parades it proudly.*

Desmond: I'd rather French kiss a skunk than listen to another lecture about physics.

Daniel: So would I, sir. *grins*

*Desmond stares at him, then decides not to comment.*

Michael: Ma boy. Ma poor freakishly tall boy.

Walt: It's not like I've grown an extra head or something.

Carletta: Ok, we can agree Walt was handled poorly. Anything else?

Desmond: What did I just say, sister?

Carletta: - Purr –

Desmond: Er…what?

Juliet: We never got an explanation as to why women can't give birth on this island. I tried researching it but never got anywhere.

Daniel: It could be to do with the fact that the bomb was deactivated thirty-something years ago. Just a thought…

Jack: Yeah but how is that possible? I mean we arrived on the island not knowing…

*Gives up trying to work out the mechanics of time travel.*

Sawyer: Yeah, ain't worth thinking about it, doc. You just get back to thinking about fixing things.

Jacob: It could be just the physical properties of the island. Maybe this is a place where babies aren't meant to be born. *shrugs*

MIB: Not this jackass again…

Jacob: HEY! I'm your brother man. You could treat me with a little respect.

Hurley: Dude…didn't see that one coming.

Carletta: Brothers never seem to get along on this show.

Sawyer: Nobody has a brother on this show! Give me three examples and I'll hug Hugo. Oh, just to be clear, Jacob and MIB doesn't count.

Carletta: *grins* Ok…Would Hurley like to do the honours?

Hurley: Certainly. Ok, there was Charlie and Liam, Eko and that Yemi guy and Desmond has brothers too. I remember it being mentioned.

Charlie: You have brothers? Who?

Desmond: My brothers are Desmond and Desmond.

*Everyone stares at him in confusion.*

Carletta: Wanna explain why you all have the same first name?

Desmond: We were a poor family…we couldn't afford separate names. But, to distinguish us by giving us nicknames. I was Des, my younger brother was Mo and my baby brother was Nd.

*Charlie backs away slowly, suddenly terrified by a man with a family like that.*

Sawyer: It's the three stooges gone mad.

Hurley: You owe me a hug, Sawyer. Come on – hug me broooooother!

*Sawyer reluctantly hugs Hurley, but not before swearing silently at every snickering member of the group.*

Carletta: Back to the plot of the show…

Ben: WHAT? THERE'S A PLOT?

Carletta: Yes, Ben. It shocked me too.

Ben: That is the daftest thing we've said yet.

Carletta: What? That Lost has a plot?

Ben: Yes. In the spirit of keeping things evil, I'm going to get down with the kids. *glances at Aaron* Awww, look at da little baby. Aren't you cute? Where's your mommy?

Claire: I'm right…

Ben: FINDER'S KEEPERS! THIS BABY IS MINE!

Aaron: Gurgle. (Translation: What a schmuck.)

Ben: Mengagaigai.

Aaron: Waop! (Translation: Stop mocking me!)

Ben: Minikiki! Akanaha hatawanahatawaywop.

Aaron: Ooh. (Translation: Wow. You are insane.)

Charlie: I vaguely recall seeing something like this in another movie, which leads me to believe we're probably going to get sued.

Desmond: THEY CAN TAKE OUR LIVES BUT THEY CAN NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM!

*Carletta looks bored as everyone starts randomly cheering.*

Carletta: Wow. A Scotsman quoting Braveheart. What a novelty. Throw me a frickin' bone here people!

Juliet: *rolls her eyes* Let's get back to the session people! I've got another query about the show. Having never been part of the show until the third season, I'd like to know how you guys managed to blow up a computer that was supposedly there to 'save the world.'

Eko: Easy. Dynamite. Next question.

Juliet: I get how you did it…

Jack: Then why did you ask?

Juliet: Because how doesn't necessarily mean how.

Carletta: *brain fizzles* What?

Desmond: This is confusing.

Walt: Forget it! I'm going back into general ignorance. *buzzes out.*

Juliet: *sighs* What I meant to say was that saying 'how' doesn't necessarily mean I wanted to know how you physically accomplished such a feat. What I wanted to know was how you mentally did it. What ran through your brains at the time?

Charlie: A monkey in a suit dancing at a cabaret show at Butlins.

*Juliet blinks rapidly at him, not sure whether he's being serious or not. It's Charlie. About ninety percent of his dialogue shouldn't be taken seriously…*

Juliet: Well…thank you for your honesty, Charlie.

Charlie: You're welcome strange woman I vaguely dislike.

Locke: To be honest, Juliet, you're never gonna get a full answer for that question. I was slightly deranged when I made Desmond cave in to duress.

Desmond: *scoffing* I wouldn't call a knife to the throat duress.

Locke: Why that never made it into the cut of the show, I don't know. Instead they told us you, YOU, had made our plane crash and audiences everywhere bought it. I know Scotsmen are portrayed as drunks and idiots but crashing a plane on an island…

*He goes off a tangent for ten minutes.*

Jack: As nice as that rant was, what's your point?

Locke: …I'm not sure.

Eko: See, John? I was right and you were wrong. *turns to camera* That is why I vote Locke off the island.

Locke: What? This is not going to be another crap revelation where all our mishaps and adventures turned out to be part of some reality show? That's even crapper than if Jack had woken up at the end and it had all been a dream!

*The writers quickly rewrite the ending, silently cursing the fact they never thought about an idea like that.*

Ana: Why does that island have a BLEEPING heart? What is up with that?

Jack: ANA! You're back!

Ana: I've lurked in the shadows. What of it?

Jack: Wanna make out?

Ana: Ew, no. I don't go after men with baggage.

*Every man in the room curses under their breath and moves away.*

Kate: JACK! How could you?

Jack: It was a joke! It was a joke, Freck- Kate!

Sawyer: Thank God you didn't finish saying Freckles; else I would've had to kick your ass.

Richard: The island has a heart because…

*He falls silent and everyone realises this is one mystery they cannot theorise about.*

Carletta: Because…?

Richard: I don't know. I wasn't privy to that information. You would've thought that I would have all the answers but I don't.

Charlie: Well we're all screwed then, aren't we?

Carletta: The show is over, guys. We have plenty of time to speculate and work out the various mysteries the show has presented to us.

Hurley: Yeah, and in the midst of all the season six drama, guess what we found?

Claire: You didn't? Peanut butter?

Sawyer: A book with all the answers in it?

Hurley: Nope…Shannon's inhalers. Isn't that a cool and yet totally irrelevant find?

Shannon: Well, it's a bit late for that isn't it? Considering I'm dead.

Sawyer: SEE? SEE? DO YOU SEE HOW WRONG YOU WERE?

Kate: You were still an ass, Sawyer.

Jack: Ooh…burn.

Sawyer: Ooh…shut the hell up!

Richard: You would've thought if Lost could answer a silly, almost trivial, question like that, why couldn't it tackle the bigger mysteries? Like how the hell an island can have a heart?

*He looks almost uncharacteristically angry.*

Carletta: *shrugging* Well, maybe that's a mystery we're supposed to speculate and tear our hair out over.

Locke: But I have no hair. *looks sad*

Carletta: I mean, yes, people were probably divided over whether or not the finale was good but if the show had answered every question, we would probably have soon forgotten it. It would've been a great show but there would be nothing more to speculate over.

Jack: Exactly my thoughts!

Carletta: Considering you've been ogling Kate every minute of every session, your thoughts are nowhere near the same as mine, Jack.

Kate: I don't know whether to be flattered or slightly disturbed by the fact you keep ogling me, so I'll do what I always do!

Charlie: Run away?

Kate: Aw, you know me so well, Charlie!

Charlie: Not really…it's just it's become so predictable now.

*Kate pouts and looks at Jack for help but he is ogling Juliet, much to Sawyer's fury.*

Previously on Lost Guy: When will it work out for those two?

Sayid: Can I just ask again why I didn't end up with Nadia in the afterlife? Seems like that after three or four seasons of me waiting for her, it's kinda brutal that when we were FINALLY reunited, we only got nine months together before she was hit by a car and I ended up with the epitome of American blondes.

Shannon: I can't work out if that was supposed to be an insult or not…

Boone: HOW DARE YOU?

Sayid: *calmly* Oh calm down, pretty boy. It's not like you've not realised Shannon isn't exactly the sharpest knife in Locke's box.

*Boone remains silent, causing Shannon, in a rare moment of comprehension, to slap him.*

Locke: *appreciatively* Nice reference back to season one, Sayid. Shame that box of knives was only mentioned once. Come to think of it, why did we have all that palaver with the guns when we had knives?

Sayid: Simples! Because guns beat knives!

Jack: And Sayid beats guns AND knives.

Sayid: Yep! You've got it, Jack!

Carletta: How the hell did Sayid manage to join the legion of the undead? One minute, he was dead and the next…not so much dead.

Charlie: The legion of the undead…sounds like an EPIC movie title.

Ana: You think everything's an epic title, Charlie!

Charlie: True. What happened to our shared passion for making up absurd song titles?

Ana: I retired.

Charlie: *shocked* WHYYYY?

Ana: I just did. Wanna make something of it, bitch?

Claire: You can't talk to Charlie like that!

*We slowly back away from this minor dispute and back to the main group.*

Hurley: You know what would've been great…if Jack hadn't done the incredibly obvious thing and volunteered to be Jacob!

Jack: *monotonously* It was my destiny.

Locke: Good little Jack. *pats his head affectionately.* I've taught you well.

Hurley: Sawyer would've made a good Jacob too! Just saying…

Ben: Hurley…are you being uncharacteristically angry because you don't want the job?

Hurley: Yes…no…I dunno! I would've loved to have known how I died though.

Ben: My guess is that a tree fell on you and, being the evil guy I am, I didn't save you like I did last time.

Hurley: Why are you being such a jerk? I thought we had a partnership!

Ben: Unless you plan to be an evil henchman I don't think I have room in my life for you, Tubby. *glances at his body and smirks.*

Hurley: *hurt* But you have room for Aaron? What does he have that I haven't?

Jack: Are you guys seriously arguing over this?

Ben: Aaron is special! But the name has to go. I shall call him Squishy, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Squishy.

Claire: *shrieking* YOU CAN'T CALL A BABY SQUISHY! BELIEVE ME, I'VE TRIED!

Charlie: Yeah, that's the part to worry about Claire!

Ben: *looks unconcerned* I'm evil and I can do whatever the hell I…

*A tree falls through the cabin and cracks Ben on the head. He sees stars and momentarily slumps in his chair.*

Ben: *dizzily* Ah, mummy will you hold me?

Carletta: Ok, I think we'll have to call it a day for now. Claire…take the baby and RUN! Jack, stop becoming Locke's pet – you will regret it! Ana…just come out of retirement otherwise Charlie will just go on and on about it.

Ana: *sulkily* Fine…bitch.

Carletta: Finally! I can get the last word in…

Boone: BOO! *laughs evilly* I WIN! I WIN! I WIN!

*Sayid knocks him out and then also laughs evilly. Well…there you have it.*

A/n: This session is dedicated to ToriBird91 because it's her birthday today! WOOP! Happy birthday pal! :) Thank you so much to everyone! Your reviews are just astonishing! I can't believe how many of you love this fic!

Next Session: In Which Hurley Loses Weight (Ha, ha, just kidding!)