Session 23: In Which Hurley Loses Weight (Ha, ha, just kidding)
Carletta is once again trying to control the madness which is Lost. Hurley is staring at the session title and trying not to cry; Sun is squealing after seeing Eclipse, whilst Jin and Charlie gather around the grave of his importance; everyone else is waiting for the session to begin.*
Hurley: What a cruel title. You all hate me, don't you?
Sawyer: Calm down, Porky. Nobody here hates ya.
Hurley: Why do I get all this abuse about my weight then? I'm slim as a pin.
*Silence echoes across the session. Everyone feels awkward.*
Carletta: *quickly* Well, Hurley, I think the issue is that you have been on an island for…a while and you've not shed much weight. *trying to be gentle* All we're asking is…
Sawyer: WHY ARE YOU SO FAT?
Carletta: Thanks…Sawyer. I was trying to be gentle about it but I forgot gentleness isn't your forte is it?
Sawyer: My fort? I don't have a fort. That would be cool if I did. I WANT A FORT!
Jack: Honestly, Sawyer you have no class do you? You have no class!
Sawyer: Says the guy who tried to blow us all to kingdom come.
*Jack has no reply to this. Sawyer epically wins – again.*
Hurley: *pulling a face* It's not my fault I'm stuck on an island which always seems to have food! I did lose weight in the beginning until that stupid hatch appeared!
Locke: Don't listen to them, Hurley. You're supposed to be morbidly obese – it keeps the island balanced.
*Hurley looks like he's about to hit Locke, whilst Sawyer conceals a smirk.*
Jack: You're not morbidly obese, Hurley…
Hurley: Thanks, Jack.
Jack: They need a whole new word to describe what you are.
Hurley: Um, dude…?
Jack: You're like majorly huge. Like a balloon, only bigger.
Hurley: Isn't insulting me and calling me fat more Sawyer's thing than yours? You always defend me…Actually, you've never defended me.
Jack: I've decided to become a badass.
Kate: *shocked* NO! NO! The essence of your character is that you're good. Don't be bad! I know I'm usually drawn to bad guys but you and I have a good thing going on! Don't taint it with your pretentious bad guy act!
Jack: It's settled, Kate. I'm going to be bad. I also need to stop being so damn sexy.
Carletta: *flatly* Yes. You really, really must. This is Hurley's session anyway! Butt out Jack!
*Jack, instead of crying, glares and tries to look hardcore. It, naturally, fails.*
Carletta: So, Hurley…let's, er, talk about your life.
Hurley: Oh come on! There's a giant elephant in the room I know you're all dying to talk about. You're all wondering how the fat guy has stayed so fat. The truth is I DON'T FRIGGIN' KNOW, OK?
Charlie: *to the tune of Mr Brightside* It started out with a choccy bar, how did you take it so far?
*BAM! Hurley knocks out Charlie, much to Sawyer's increasing mirth.*
Carletta: Um…Hurley? Aren't you supposed to be the non violent one? Do you have daddy issues you need to resolve? Please say no, please say no…
Hurley: Not exactly. I just have weight issues.
Ben: Ya think? *shakes his head*
Hurley: Oh. OH! OH! *doesn't look particularly shocked by Ben's participation*
Libby: *angrily* Leave Hurley alone! He's a hell of a lot nicer and more genuine than some of you.
Ana: Bigger than some of us too.
*Ana and Sawyer high five and snicker like children. Libby rolls her eyes and Hurley just holds his head up high. Charlie starts to wake up…*
Carletta: Ok, calm down people. Do you still feel insecure about your weight, Hurley? Do all the comments get to you?
Hurley: From Sawyer…no. When you get called every fat name under the sun, you kinda get used to it. From other people though, yeah it does kind of sting. I try not to be…er...
Charlie: So fat?
Jack: Big?
Sawyer: Monumentally elephantine?
Hurley: I WAS GOING FOR INSECURE YOU BLOCK HEADED BAS - !
*We've actually had to get censors in at this point because Hurley's anger is being vented out into every sort of swear word imaginable.*
Carletta: Can you guys not verbally abuse my client? Can you just be mature for, like, an hour of your damn lives? I don't ask for much you know!
Ben: You ask us to be sane and that, to us, is like asking us each for a million pounds. We simply do not possess, nor have we ever possessed, either a million pounds or a trace of sanity within our bones.
Boone: S'true.
Hurley: *pouting* You know I've stuck by all of you and not done a damn thing that's bad to you…
Sawyer: That's not true…you beat me up.
Hurley: Like I said, I've done nothing bad.
Sawyer: YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER RING SAUSAGE!
Carletta: Did you really feel it was necessary to italicise, underline and capitalise that shocking insult?
Sawyer: …yes.
Carletta: Anyway…Hurley, tell us what your childhood was like.
Hurley: What? Er, ok. Well, my dad kinda left when I was ten. I think it was around that sort of time. He gave me my first candy bar and told me it wasn't going to kill me. Yeah…I think we kinda realise that was a line that was going to be extremely ironic later on.
Boone: To be fair to you, Hurley, we've all heard lines which now are stupidly ironic.
Jack: Yeah, my dad gave me the whole 'you can't be a hero' speech when I was about ten. LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm a hardcore, badass spinal surgeon who is a hit with all the ladies.
*He flashes a smile at Ana.*
Ana: EW! DEMON! DEMON! DEMON!
*She starts shooting things at random, managing to kill two polar bears, shoot Nikki's wig off and mortally wound an extra. Talk about trigger happy…*
Hurley: And then I won the lottery…Which brought me nothing but bad luck.
Jack: *in an incredibly patronising tone* Now Hurley, a real man makes his own luck…
Hurley: Hm, ok, Jack. I won the friggin' lottery and, in the first month alone, my grandfather had a heart attack and died, the vicar at his funeral got struck by lightning, the house I bought for my mom burned down, I was arrested because the police thought I was a drug dealer and my brother's woman became a lesbian and ran off with a waitress. If you wouldn't call that bad luck, what would you call it?
Locke: I'd call it a bad month myself.
Jack: Um… coincidence?
*Hurley bellows out with fury and then proceeds to smother Jack until he's back to his normal, weepier, less tough self.*
Jack: *sniffling* What…happened?
Kate: You had a momentary lapse of common sense. Mind you, what's new?
Carletta: *sympathetically* Why didn't you talk to anyone about this, Hurley? I mean, God knows we've seen everyone else break down on this bloody show. You, however, soldiered on.
Hurley: I tried! Like several billion times. For some reason, no one seemed to believe me the moment I said I was worth 156 million dollars.
Charlie: If you'd just said you'd won the bloody lottery, instead of being all enigmatic and crazy, we would've listened to you!
Carletta: Easy, you two. Now, Hurley, what, to you, was the worst moment on the island? You weren't always happy-go-lucky Hurley, were you?
Hurley: I've kinda got two. And both of them were when I lost people. One was when Libby died, the other when I lost Charlie.
Charlie, Libby: Awwwww.
Sun, Jin: WHAT?
Hurley: Hey, the night you two died also majorly sucked too. But Libby was the only person who listened to me and Charlie was, is, my best friend.
Charlie: I don't like how that 'was' came first…
Ben: Sorry, Pace. No hard feelings or anything but he's just decided to go in another direction. You know…by not having a best friend who's technically dead.
Charlie: *flabbergasted* You mean…you're the one.
Ben: Yes… the one what?
Charlie: Never mind. If I tell ya you'll just get even more big headed and you're head will float around this room like some vast wobbly thing.
Sawyer: Which was formerly known as Hurley's stomach. *laughs insanely.* His choice of shirts is also ridiculously lame. When will you get another shirt?
Hurley: Well if you had the common decency, to go out and get yourself a proper hobby, and not hang around the camp like some vast slug, perhaps I would have the opportunity to take my top off and change it without the risk of you seeing my nipples!
*The two men sit back to back, both of them huffy with each other.*
Carletta: I'm going to slide back into the role of counsellor, if I may. Hurley, from being a comic relief character you've actually evolved into a lot bigger role. *frowns* Nobody comment on my choice of words please.
Boone, Charlie, Ben, Sawyer: DAMN!
Hurley: Yeah, I don't know if anybody from the beginning foresaw me being the next Jacob…
Kate: Wait a minute! Hold the phone… I thought Jack was the new Jacob.
*She stares at Jack, who shakes his head infinitesimally. They then share a moment of great sadness, and then actually share a sweet and short kiss. See? We can have lovely moments here…*
Ben: Me and Hurley are officially best buds now! We can stay up late, swap manly stories and in the morning? I'm making waffles!
Hurley: You've become weird ever since you decided to become good. I don't like the new you. I liked the old you who wouldn't just sit around and wait for things to happen…
Kate: Hang on…
Jack: This seems familiar…
Kate: It's almost like I've said those words before.
Jack: Yeah…it's almost like I've heard those words before…
Sawyer: You two really are a match made in heaven aren't ya? Both as dumb as each other. S'like living with Dumb and Dumber.
Kate: HEY! Come over here and say that!
*There's a brief pause*
Sawyer: Freckles…I'm right next to you.
*Carletta rolls her eyes and bangs her head against her chair repeatedly.*
Charlie: Ooh, I've just thought of an epic title for Hurley! Big Wibbly Thing.
Hurley: *sarcastically* Inspired.
Charlie: In all seriousness, Hurley…I love you man.
Hurley: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love you too.
Carletta: Ok, ok, enough of the man love. Hurley, having recently been inspired by re-watching Greatest Hits, name your top five moments.
Charlie: This seems like a familiar concept…
Hurley: Ooh this seems fun. Ok, number five would be the camping trip I went on with Des, Charlie and Jin. You know…before the arrow incident.
Jack: Oh yeah! By the way, Charlie…you owe me some male bonding time.
Charlie: I BEG YOUR PARDON!
Jack: *cringing* Not like that.
Desmond: Yeah, good times. Jin…now that you speak English, what was the story you were telling us?
Jin: *giggles* You'd never guess. Ok, I was telling the story about the time Hurley wanted me to pee on his foot. It was the scariest story I could think of to tell.
Hurley: God, no wonder I got freaked. Ok, number four has to be the day Rousseau told me I wasn't crazy.
Sawyer: And you bought that, did ya? Consider the source fool! Being told you're not crazy by a crazy person is about believable as being told you're completely healthy by someone covered in spots and rashes and dressed in a My First Doctor play kit.
Jack: That sounds a bit like the first time I decided being a doctor could be fun! *grins*
Hurley: Er, number three would be the time me and Charlie went fishing. It was the very first time someone had ever sought me out for something other than trying to frisk me for food.
Charlie: *laughs* Ah yeah, good times. We did eventually catch a fish but I really wish we hadn't, considering it was for a selfish bitch who tried to claim credit for it.
Shannon: Yeah…sorry about that.
Charlie: It's too late, Shan. No matter how many times you try to add me on Facebook, I'm not gonna accept ya.
*Shannon pouts, not used to not getting her own way.*
Shannon: Can you at least accept me, like a few of my statuses and then remove me? I only have six friends. All of them of which are Boone, Sayid or their multiple other accounts they've created!
Sawyer: I have about three hundred friends!
Kate: Only because you've added everyone in the world just so you can give them a nickname and leave them threatening messages!
Hurley: *ignoring everyone else* Er, number two would be when me and Charlie got the van working with Jin and Sawyer. We made our own luck.
Charlie: Yeah…what people didn't see was your tantrum beforehand. He threw a Dharma beer at me and started to bite Sawyer's hand off…Oh wait. No that was just a dream I had.
Hurley: Dude…that's messed up.
Carletta: Actually, it's refreshing to hear a dream that sounds more normal than the show itself. Bravo, Charlie! Anyway, Hurley…your greatest hit is?
Hurley: When Libby, er, kissed me.
Everyone but Sawyer: Awwwwwwww.
Sawyer: Ha! The big guy got some action. Never would've believed it.
Hurley: *smirks* I found Libby way before you found Juliet. Suck on that!
*Sawyer, for once, has no comeback and looks shocked by that. He tries and fails to find a response but can't. Sawyer speechless = epic win for Hurley.*
Carletta: Are we referring to finding the love of your life in general or just in the finale?
Hurley: Both. I need to epically win against Sawyer in something.
Libby: Hm…not sure I approve of me being used in this way. But I am unbelievably flattered you thought our kiss was your best moment. You're very sweet and I think Sawyer should admit it before I swat him with this giant fly swatter I found out of nowhere.
Sawyer: *through gritted teeth* Yes, Hurley. You're very, very…sweet. I… like you and I do not in any way think you're…morbidly obese.
Libby: *approvingly* That's better.
Ben: Ha! Libby finished in a minute what Carletta failed to do in twenty three sessions. Ha!
*Carletta beats him repeatedly with a frying pan until he is forced to leave the session.*
Carletta: I think we should keep this session fairly short and sweet. Hurley, there is nothing wrong with you. You'll slim down and be the envy of the island. You're the nicest of all the characters, you've never had a dull centric episode and everyone loves you. Why do you want to change?
Hurley: Aw, you're sweet.
*Pulls Carletta into a giant hug.*
Carletta: Er…can't…breathe.
Hurley: And that's how Hurley sees it!
Sun: GLEE REFERENCE! GLEE REFERENCE! GLEE REF-
*Jin gently and lovingly sedates her until she is nothing more than a Korean blob on the chair. He then removes the Eclipse book from her hand and throws it to the smoke monster, which devours it almost eagerly.*
Juliet: In my one and only line of the session…that is the weirdest ending to a session ever.
Hurley: Hell yeah! Suits Lost perfectly though.
Carletta: Agreed!
A/n: Ok this was short but I hope you liked it. Your reviews are astonishing. You all quote the best bits of the story and I feel so touched you all love this story. I have a special treat for you guys. The 25th session of this show will be the outtakes and bloopers of the first 25 sessions. The insanity will be so hilarious, I guarantee it!
Next session: In Which There Are Others Part 2