Session 24: In Which There Are Others (Part 2)
Carletta is in her chair, simultaneously trying to calm an overexcited Ben and figure out who is missing from the group. Everyone else is doing their own thing, same as always, with the exception of Juliet and Sawyer who are alternating between bickering and kissing…
Ben: YAY! There's a part 2! PART 2! Yay for part 2! CAN YOU BELIEEEEEVE IT? Part 2! Part 2! YAY FOR PART 2. *becomes slightly overexcited.*
Carletta: *flatly* Not really. We didn't really get a lot accomplished last time so, in order to direct attention away from the main group of loonies, I thought we'd get back to the 'Other' loonies. Ha. I made a pun. *briefly laughs then frowns* Who the hell is missing? It's been bugging me for ages.
Kate: Jack and Charlie. They're having 'male bonding time'. Said something about going on a camping trip.
Carletta: Ugh. I take it they won't be joining us then? Good.
Sawyer: *loudly* HEY! No one gets to bully the doc or Chucky except us! You don't belong here! You never crashed on the island or featured on the show at all!
Carletta: I don't know whether you have any right to judge me, Sawyer, based on the fact you're wearing a pink shirt and have your hair tied in pretty little bows. *grins impishly*
*Sawyer promptly checks the mirror he carries around with him - don't ask - and sees she's telling the truth. He's been done up to look like a little girl. Awwwwww…*
Sawyer: DAMN IT, JULIET!
Juliet: I would say I'm sorry but I'm not.
Sawyer: And I should feel sorry that you're not sorry but I don't.
Richard: We never did establish if I was classed as an 'Other' or not? Or am I just an unknown, like Juliet? WHAT AM I? *panics*
Carletta: Ugh. I'm not going through this whole 'what team do I bat for?' thing again.
Sawyer: HA! *giggles like a little girl*
Carletta: Grow up, Sawyer. That's not what I meant and you know it.
Ben: So…can we get this session going please? PLEASE? I have lots to share with the entire group.
Carletta: Oh…goody.
Ben: I get the slightest hint you're not entirely thrilled by that idea. Has everyone forgotten I've turned back to badass Ben now?
Carletta: *sighs* I'm going to start this with Tom, or Mr Friendly. Quite ironic seeing how you really don't look friendly with your beard on and…stuff.
Tom: Well done. You got the joke.
Michael: If you were gay, I'd shout HOORAY!
*Tom knocks out Michael with his belly, shooting him across the room and through the wall of the cabin. Sawyer looks strangely impressed by this.*
Carletta: *trying her best to appear friendly* Ok, Tom, enlighten us. What are you all about?
Tom: I am friendly - I just get paid not to be.
Jin: HINKY PINKY PONKY PONYYYYYYY!
*Everyone turns to stare at Jin in bewilderment. Sun, however, looks used to this.*
Carletta: Er…translation?
Sun: He says 'me too'.
Sawyer: I highly doubt that…
Sun: KUNG FU SUN! *randomly starts chopping things in half with her head* You should never doubt my word! I'm badass.
Ben: Yay! I can be badass with someone else! YAY FOR BADASSES!
Juliet: In another context, what you just said would be completely and absolutely inappropriate. I feel like smashing another glass out of your hand.
Tom: Should I not bother speaking? I generally never get a word in anyway so…
Carletta: No! Don't leave me with the loonies, I beg you! Give me a memory we've not seen on the show. Anything. Just drown out Ben's plans to become a badass and the sound of Sun breaking chairs with her head. PEOPLE NEED THE CHAIRS!
*Carletta looks out of breath and slightly red faced. Jack and Charlie re-enter the cabin*
Charlie, Jack: We're back…
Carletta: NO! NO! NO! GET OUT! GET OUT! We're trying to establish normality here and you're ruining that!
*Carletta head butts Charlie and Jack back out of the cabin and then glares around at the rest of the room and proceeds to lock the door.*
Carletta: Go ahead, Tom. SPEAK! These nutters won't interrupt again, or I shall get every single one of them, seal them in concrete, and dump them in the Pacific.
Ben: May I just point out the flaw in your plan?
Carletta: NO!
Ben: Fair enough. Oh, wait, I'm supposed to be badass. UNFAIR enough. Ha.
Carletta: *flatly* Ouch. You sure showed me. *rolls her eyes* What was it like being part of the 'Others', Tom?
Tom: *grinning widely* Well, I'm glad you asked…
*Desmond suddenly rushes in and bursts open the apparently 'locked' door, not that anyone was aware he was missing. He looks panicky and quickly shoves Tom out of the way as he rushes to be the centre of attention.*
Desmond: Quick, brothers…and sisters. Jack's got his head stuck in the sand.
Carletta: What? Again?
Desmond: Aye. He came up with this plan to tunnel his way back into the cabin but he fell and now…he's stuck. Charlie's trying to help him but…well, we need a hundred men or more to get his head free.
Sawyer: HA! I can't even find the words to mock him.
*He rolls around laughing and then chokes to death, causing Juliet to rush to his rescue. She revives him and he laughs some more…It's a vicious circle.*
Kate: I've got a plan!
*Everyone looks relieved - until they realize what it is.*
Carletta: What'll we need for this plan of yours, Kate? Rope? Cranes? Other items we probably won't be able to find?
Kate: No, my plan is simple. We…count to five.
*Silence.*
*Yet more silence*
*So much more silence that it becomes unbearable*
Carletta: Since no one else has questioned this yet…what does counting to five achieve?
Kate: Jack said it; ergo it makes sense in any situation.
Carletta: Considering this is the same guy who tried to blow up a hydrogen bomb and has got his head stuck in the sand, I'd treat his ideas with extreme caution. *pauses* Alright, everyone who's not an 'Other' go and help pull Jack's head out of the sand.
Kate: YAY! And we can count to five all the way!
*She skips out, promptly followed by everyone else except the 'Others'.*
Pickett: Er…this is weird. It's a lot quieter.
Carletta: *dreamily* Isn't it just? We better make the most of it though. Ok, Tom…Where's he gone?
Ben: He said something about hating being pushed around and then left. Shame really but oh well. Just means more talking to be done by me.
Carletta: Ok, who's first?
Ben: Me! Me! Pick me!
Carletta: No volunteers? None at all?
Ben: HAND. RAISED. TAKE. THE. HINT.
Carletta: Fine, I'll just have to go alphabetically…
Ben: Yay!
Carletta: Alex…
Ben: DAMN IT!
Alex: I don't think I am an 'Other', ya know. I hated everybody there. Except Juliet…who I've noticed isn't here. Guess we know what team she's on.
*Ben looks sad.*
Carletta: Well, you're here and that's all that counts.
Aldo: Wait a minute…I'm an 'Other' and I come before Alex!
Carletta: *stares blankly at him* Who are you?
Aldo: *sighs with frustration* I'm the guy who got beaten up by that evil Kate! The one who was just trying to do his job and got betrayed by Alex! Nobody showed me an ounce of sympathy!
Alex: Get over it, Aldo. Everyone else has.
Carletta: We only saw you twice, if that. I don't really think you're that important in the whole scale of things. Unless you have an issue that has had a MAJOR impact on everyone else, I suggest you go back to sleep.
Ben: *nastily* Yeah…Aldo Baldo. Hey…I'm not bad at this whole nickname thing.
*Carletta rolls her eyes and Alex looks incredulously at him, before deciding she doesn't really care, being a teenager and all.*
Carletta: Ok, Alex…you were killed off in season four right?
Alex: Yeah…I think we established that in part 1. You know what though? The bullet was absolutely nothing compared to the pain I felt when I thought you didn't love me, Ben.
*Ben's lip begins to wobble like Jack's and his expression is tortured.*
Ben: Alex….you're making it very hard for me to be a badass. Please…
Alex: *glares* I thought I was your 'little girl'. I know I behaved horribly to you, but that was because you weren't exactly Prince Nice were you?
Ben: Alex…you're gonna make me cry like Jack if you keep going like this. You don't want to see me when I'm like Jack.
Locke: For shame, Alex. For shame. Your dad became good in the end. I don't even think he was really evil…What?
*He notices everyone is staring at him.*
Carletta: You're not an 'Other', John.
Locke: I know…I'm this John. I don't know about there being another John…
Carletta: No…I meant an Other Other John.
Locke: Another other John? You mean there's a John who's an Other?
Carletta: *growls in frustration* Look, this is getting us absolutely nowhere! The point is - why are you here?
Locke: *confusedly* So that I can get mentally better!
*Carletta bangs her head against the wall and this is the moment when everyone else - including Jack and Charlie - re-enters the room, much to her despair.*
Jack: *happily* I'm back and look…I'm not stuck anymore! It wasn't my destiny to get stuck, otherwise I would've… *falters as Carletta turns her glare on him.* Never mind…
Charlie: What did we miss?
Ben: I'm a badass! *cries*
Carletta: *in a stage whisper* He's going through the motions. I don't think he knows what he wants to be…
Jin: Toast!
Carletta: ….what?
Sun: He said…
Sawyer: Let me guess, Sunshine. He said 'toast'?
Sun: Yes…how did you know? Do you speak Korean?
Sawyer: Was just a lucky guess. So…whose head we shrinking right now? How 'bout Chinatown?
Carletta: Who? Oh…Pickett. Hey.
Pickett: S'up.
Goodwin: He has a habit of saying that, just to warn you.
Pickett: S'up, Goodwin, s'up.
Goodwin: You're not nineteen anymore, Danny! It just doesn't sound cool coming out of the mouth of a forty year old.
Ethan: Lol.
Goodwin: *sigh* Do I have to lecture you too, Ethan? Who'd have thought some of us 'Others', as you so aptly call us, have an immature side?
Pickett: We are multiple versions of Eminem. *proceeds to rap*
Yo, I'm the Pic-Dog, and this is how I roll
You got beef with me, you can kiss my A double S hole!
*Jin proceeds to applause quite voraciously, whilst everyone else alternates between laughing and looking bewildered.*
Ben: And that is why we don't allow Pickett to talk for too long! *shakes head* I mean talk about Draconian.
Jack: I can't. I don't know what it means.
Ben: Huh. Neither do I.
Carletta: *rolls eyes* Ok, if we can just get back to the session PLEASE, I'd like to point out that Goodwin's hit upon a good point.
Goodwin: I have? I mean…I have! All hail me!
Carletta: You're probably taking it a little too far…
Goodwin: King Goodwin.
Carletta: Yeah, it's probably best if you stop talking.
Goodwin: I have the best ideas EVER!
Ana: Hm, seems like allowing me to come with you that day wasn't such a good idea was it? I killed you.
*Goodwin is owned by Ana…again.*
Carletta: The point I wanted to say was that you 'losties', as people call you, don't know exactly what each individual 'Other's is really like. You generalized them all as being evil, kidnapping maniacs. You are as much to blame for the war you started in season…whatever as they were.
Ethan: Charlie killed me and so it's his entire fault.
Charlie: But…
Ethan: NO!
Charlie: I'd just like to point out you…
Ethan: I DID NOTHING! I WAS GARDENING!
Charlie: Oh so you just happened to…
Ethan: *in Charlie's face* GARDENING!
Carletta: Yeah, right. Since when have you been a gardening man?
Ethan: Since thirty seconds ago.
Ben: All this tension and disputing makes me very pleased. *cackles* Now I just need to come up with another callous remark which will make the people who believed I was good suddenly declare that I'm a badass.
Locke: Ok, can you not be ambiguous and creepy for like one second of your friggin' life! It gives us all headaches trying to figure you out.
Carletta: You and Locke have a very interesting relationship, don't you Ben? You both seem to vie for control. I think I heard someone call it a power struggle once.
Ben: Yes, I did envy Locke because he was 'special'. Still do as a matter of fact. Is it wrong that every time I see his shiny bald head, I want to paint polka dots on it? Or some kind of smiley face on it?
Carletta: That is…disturbing. All my years as a professional…whatever, I've never heard anyone say they hate a man so much they want to draw on his head. I've heard death threats yes – oh you wouldn't believe how much the cast of Lord of the Rings actually hated each other – but not stuff like that.
*Queue flashback music.*
Gimli: I HATE ELVES! I WANT TO STICK MY AXE UP YOUR…!
Frodo: *whining* That circle thing is giving me a headache…
Gandalf: That's called a ring, Frodo. It's the thing you're going to destroy once you stop whining on like a little girl.
Frodo: You look like a pedophile with that whole 'beard' thing. Have a shave!
Merry: *smugly* I may have a name that sounds like a girl's but at least I have luscious long locks.
Pippin: You know what they say about hobbits with curly hair don't you, Merry?
Merry: Why you - ! *proceeds to strangle him*
*And we're back to the present…thank God.*
Carletta: *shudders* Bad times…
Ben: Even before I was in the show, I knew Locke was going to be an important character in the mix. When I saw him put that fruit in his mouth and smile…I knew it was for real. *smiles dreamily*
*Everyone else backs away slowly.*
Locke: I had an orange and I eated it. *grins*
Kate: It freaked me out! A man eating an orange and smiling! Oh, it's just unheard of! Everything else I could deal with but that…that was the freakiest thing I'd ever seen. *grins* I can be so silly and yet so AWESOME at the same time.
Sawyer: Hell yeah, you can, Freckles. *catches Juliet's expression* I mean…you most certainly can not.
*Kate raises an eyebrow at him and he smiles sheepishly at her, sneaking in a quick wink whilst Juliet talks to Jack.*
Carletta: Unless you're both secretly batting for the 'Other' team, I suggest you stop your sexually tense conversation and listen to Ben. Wow, there's a sentence I never thought I'd say. *chuckles* You people are so weird; I think it's rubbing off on me.
Ben: Back to me?
Carletta: Ok. Here's a question I never thought I'd be asking. What goes on in Benjamin Linus' head?
Ben: Well, I usually start the day by daydreaming about owning a bunny farm. That's always fun. Then I usually come up with an evil plan of some sort – usually involving Jack and Sawyer because they've been affiliated with my girl. *winks at Juliet* Richard usually tries to stop me because, you know, he's the 'peacekeeper' and all. *rolls his eyes* I usually get my own way though…
Carletta: I'm sorry. I switched off when you said the words 'bunny farm.'
Ethan: Ooh, surely I'm next!
Carletta: You had a session dedicated to you and you blew it. It's Goodwin's turn.
Goodwin: S'up. DAMN IT, PICKETT!
Ana: ARGH! IT'S GOODWIN! *hides*
Charlie: HEY! THAT'S MY THING!
Ana: You can't be mad at me though, Chucks. Not if I say the words 'Monkey Stole My Banana, Purple Lemons and Daisies.'
Charlie: That's the band name! *grins* How about we just limit it a bit? Call it just Bananas and Purple Lemons.
Ana: Or how about just the Island Freaks? We both clearly cannot get laid – well, I did. So it's just you. Island Freak and Hot Babe?
Sawyer: HOW ABOUT NONE OF US GIVE A MANGO WHAT YOU CALL THE STUPID BAND?
Jack: Mango?
Sawyer: I've been forbidden to swear on account of the fact that children read this and can be, as my lawyer quotes, 'easily susceptible'. Bastards! OOPS!
Carletta: *sarcastically* Is it just *me* or do the sessions get crazier and crazier each time we have one? The show is over and yet here we all are…still.
Ana: We should agree to disagree. Let's just go with 'Lost Souls' and be done with it.
Charlie: That is epic. *high fives Ana*
Ben: Can we get back to my bunny issues, which, you know, were never fully addressed?
Carletta: No. We're going to Goodwin.
Goodwin: This is the Goodwin station bringing you all the latest news and revelations from the King of the Badasses.
Ben: *weakly* Wh-What?
Ana: *indignantly* How were you badass? You gave us the whole 'nice guy' act for like forty days and then you got beaten by a girl! At least Ethan got took down by a man, but you…you suck.
*Goodwin scowls at her and then tackles her to the ground. They escape the cabin in a whirl of dust and smoke, much to everyone else's bewilderment.*
Carletta: Well….that effectively ends that conversation. They have unresolved issues I really should get to the bottom of…but oh well.
Jack: That's all you can say? 'Oh well?' What if Jesus had said that? Or me?
Locke: Nice. You put yourself in the same category as Jesus? Moron.
Jack: ARGH! Stop being so patronizing, you son of an island!
Locke: *wistfully* If only…
Carletta: So…what have we learned here today? Nothing, as usual. Why do I bother?
Ben: Because you WUV us. You really, really, really, really WUV us. You WUV us to death.
Carletta: Er…yeah.
Jack: SHUSH! I'm in the middle of writing a very important letter. *turns to paper* Dear Mr and Mrs. My Parents…
*Carletta rolls her eyes and Sawyer just sniggers. So…yeah, it's a typical end to yet another pointless session.*
Christian: I'd just like to point out I don't know him…
Carletta: I don't think any of us do, Christian. Sometimes I wonder…what goes on inside his head?
Inside Jack's head.
Jack: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
Back in the session.
Carletta: Pfft. Figures.
A/n: I love Jack really! Lol. I just love to torture him. It's affectionate abuse, lol. This session is for my little sister, who has been on holiday for a week and I've missed her so much it's unreal. So, thank her for me speedily updating this :P. Thank you for my new readers who've reviewed and enjoyed this story, I cannot believe the success of this story. 157 reviews and now 2 NOMINATIONS on yet ANOTHER award thing on fanfic! WOW! I am really speechless so, as promised, as a treat next session will be strictly based on the bloopers/outtakes and missing scenes you didn't see throughout the 25 sessions. It might be a really long one then! Ha, ha :P
Next Session: In Which There Are Bloopers.