Session 26: In Which Claire Loses Her BABBBBBYYY!
Carletta enters the room, looking unusually cheerful. The rest of the room are silent, which is even more unusual. She looks unnerved by this and sits down in her chair and waits for someone to speak. No one does.
Carletta: Ok…stop it. This is freaking me out.
Jack: *politely* What is wrong, Carletta?
Sawyer: Yes, what has you upset?
Carletta: This! You! Why are you all so…so… NORMAL? I don't understand!
Charlie: We all simultaneously made a New Year's resolution to be sane and quiet and then some sort of fiery explosion occurred outside the shack.
Carletta: *thoughtfully* It did look rather apocalyptic. I wonder why that was…?
Locke: I KNOW! I KNOW! *jumps up and down holding his hand in the air*
*The whole room, like normal, ignore him*
Claire: We're going with the theory that because we've all suddenly become normal, the whole world has exploded because, you know, that was more likely to happen than the whole group staying normal for more than five minutes. *giggles.*
Locke: *mutinously* Bitch.
Claire: What was that?
Locke: You heard…bitch.
*Claire stares sat him for a moment before hissing like a wildcat and throwing herself at him so that they suddenly become engaged in a dust cloud as they fight. Immediately, everyone starts to become their, er, normal selves and start to bicker amongst themselves.*
Carletta: I NEVER thought I'd say this…but PHEW! I was almost out of a job for a second there. *looks visibly relieved.*
Charlie: Which loser are we screwing with today? How 'bout Desmundo?
Desmond: And the survey says… NO, YOU PSYCHOPATHIC LITTLE DEMON!
Carletta: Actually, I was planning on Claire being the first case of the new year. Yeah. Thanks for all the cards and presents guys. NOT! I gave you all presents!
Jacob: You gave us all cheap presents from the 99 cent store! BITCHHHHHHHH!
Carletta: Jacob! What the HELL are you doing here? You can't be in the same room as the Man In Black.
Jacob: *defiantly* Why not?
Man In Black: YEAH! WHY NOT?
Jacob: Hey! Stop copying me!
Man In Black: Or what? You'll turn me into pink smoke?
Jacob: I'LL TELL MOM!
*The Man In Black looks horrified by the very idea.*
Man In Black: Aw, man! If I get into trouble, she's gonna jack my Connect Four Million set! YOU ARE SUCH A SNITCH!
Carletta: … You just effectively answered your own question there, Jacob. Clearly, you both have issues and we will address them in the next session.
Sawyer: How in the name of all that is sweet and good does the mom threat still work on you guys?
Jacob: *pointing a finger* Stop with your inane questions, mortal, or I shall smite you where you stand, candidate or no candidate!
*He pauses, clearly expecting a reaction that never comes. Sawyer looks stonily at him, highly unimpressed.*
Claire: *removing herself from the dust ball* Right, I'm ready for action now!
Charlie: And I'm right here for you, love.
Carletta:*looking down at notes* Right. Ok, I guess first thing's first…your mother?
Claire: Oh, look a tree… Is that the time? I best be off… Got a turkey in the oven. I have a paper to write. I lost my pen. My house is on fire… I AM NOT JUST MAKING EXCUSES!
*Wordlessly, Sayid and Ben rise from the seats, fling Charlie from his seat, and take the seats next to Claire in order to restrain her, if necessary.*
Carletta: *flatly* I'm sensing some resistance here about the subject of your mother.
Claire: *flailing wildly* Nope! I genuinely have lost my pen. It causes me great distress because it's the family pen, y'know? Oh, and I have a conference to go to…for parents and children. HA! HA!
Sayid: Can I slap her?
Carletta: Eh…not just yet. Give her a moment to calm the HELL down! Charlie! Why are you being useless as usual?
Charlie: *his voice muffled* Um, I could be of some help…if Ninja boy over there hadn't FLUNG me through the bloody roof!
*They all peer upwards and see the lower half of Charlie sticking out from the roof.*
Jacob: AW MAN! MOM'S GONNA BUST ME FOR THAT! *sulks*
Sawyer: Are we really stuck with that view of the munchkin? I don't wanna be looking at his ass the entire session.
Carletta: WELL, TOUGH! YOU'RE GONNA!
*Sawyer looks alarmed, then loses the expression as he sulks.*
Juliet: *patiently* James…we've talked about your temper tantrums. I don't want to have to get out the stick again…
Jack: Stick? You get whipped by a stick? James, you really are life's bitch aren't you?
*Sawyer growls and goes to lunge at Jack, but Juliet, who has thought ahead, tugs at the lead she's fastened onto him and he comes flying backwards.*
Carletta: Dare I ask…?
Juliet: He's been getting vicious lately. He only lets me get away with the lead if we use it for…other purposes. *turns red*
Carletta: Oh…that gets sorted into the TOO MUCH INFORMATION desk!
Danny: Seriously? These are the people we torture and screw with? Ben…they are utter nutters!
Ben: *giggling* Lol.
Ethan: *admiringly* Oh, Danny…anarchy!
Carletta: OK! Let's stop with the anarchy before all you homo sapiens discover fire and invent the mob. Claire…have you settled yet and stopped making excuses faster than it takes for you to lose Aaron?
Claire: *sniffing* Yeah…Sorry, it's still a sore subject for me. I don't know if you could tell…
Carletta: No…don't worry. No one noticed. *rolls eyes* Right…let's start with your mom. What sort of relationship did you have?
Claire: A good one. Then a bad one. Then a good one. Then a bad one. Then I put her into a coma. *bursts into tears*
Ben: THAT IS THE WORST THING ANYONE ON THIS SHOW HAS EVER DONE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER! YOU SHOULD GO SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!
Carletta: Ben! That's a bit harsh don't you think. Not to mention UNBELIEVABLY hypocritical considering what you've done!
*Claire wails loudly and buries her head in Kate's lap.*
Juliet: I think that answers the question which one of is the more sensitive member of the group. Aside from Jack, obviously, who is in another league of his own…
Carletta: *gently* Claire, it was an accident. People in this very room have done much worse things on purpose as well. You shouldn't punish yourself for it.
Charlie: *from the roof* Yeah, Claire. I mean, we've all done terrible things… OOH LOOK! A PIGEON!
*Ana snorts with laughter, something which is so unexpected and unreal it actually breaks time… But, you know, we fixed it…with some duct tape and a kiss, the way all things SHOULD be mended.*
Carletta: Your mom's alive, you know that?
Claire: Well, yeah…I know that now. But the guilt is just too much to bear… I have to end it… *reaches for a box of suspicious looking pills*
Carletta: NO! CLAIRE, DON'T!
Claire: Don't what? Take some tic tacs so my bad breath goes away? God, you guys are overly dramatic. *takes some tic tacs*
Carletta: Ok, your relationship with Thomas… *sees Claire's aghast look* Oh come on! I have to cover all grounds here. It's not your job to like what I bring up, it's your job to listen, talk, and then GET BETTER! Now…Thomas…
Ben: It just occurred to me how many Toms we have on this show. Do the writers know there are other names in the world?
Carletta: *shrugging* I don't know. It's my job to psychoanalyse you lot, not the writers. Thank heavens…I'd love to know what they were high on when they came up with the random polar bears and the smoke monsters.
Locke: *angrily* HEY! They made WTF television cool again!
Carletta: Whatever. Claire, talk! Share with the group, bearing in mind they are just as screwed up as you are. More so, I'd argue.
Jack: HEY! That's my sister!
Carletta: Irrelevant. I'm coming onto that issue anyway, so butt out Shephardella. Go find your fairy Smoke Mother and quit bothering me.
Sawyer: *grinning* Ooh, Carletta just got her claws out. Me like.
*Jack looks stunned and doesn't, for once, know what to say, so he does a combination of his three most common activities; his eyes well up, he looks longingly at Kate, and he stubbornly tries to fix something to take his mind off the hurt. Oh, and he does a bit of heavy breathing into the bargain*
Claire: What do you want to know that wasn't made abundantly clear with my centric episode? He was a jerk, end of.
Charlie: YEAH! GO CLAIRE! I CAN SEE OUR TENT FROM HERE!
Carletta: Is anyone going to get him down? He's rather distracting…
Ben: NO! HE'LL LEARN HIS LESSON BETTER IF HE STAYS UP THERE! THE HOBBIT BALLOON!
Carletta: Ok… Well, this is awkward. Claire….please tell me you can add something to that very vague answer! Share a memory of Thomas. Any memory.
Claire: Um, he knocked me up and left me. There? Will that do?
*Carletta sighs; Charlie laughs; Ben prods Charlie's legs with a large stick.*
Jack: Look, you can take the piss out of us, if you like, just leave Claire alone.
Carletta: *raising an eyebrow* That's very noble of you, Jack. This isn't going to turn into another 'Leave Britney alone' type of fiasco is it?
*Jack lowers the camera, looking wary.*
Carletta: Right…You just took idiocy to the next level.
Danielle: Claire is a nice woman. Very nice. You leave her alone or I'll set off one of my many, many, many, many, many, many, many…
*Ten minutes later.*
Danielle: …many, many traps!
Ben: S'true. The woman has many traps. *rubs head and winces*
Desmond: *laughing at Charlie* I saw a vision of you like that, brother, but I thought I was just drunk again! I feel like a….like a God!
Charlie: That's funny, because I was just thinking what a complete and utter twit you are. A monkey would be a refreshing step up from you. A monkey wouldn't tell me I was going to die every 108 minutes.
Hurley: Ha…a reference to the button. That was…that was pretty cool.
Carletta: Can we get back to Claire here? Ok, fine let's ignore Thomas then. Who would you say are the most positive influences in your life at the moment?
*Claire looks at Charlie's legs, then at Carletta, then at Charlie's legs, and then sighs.*
Claire: I was going to say Charlie, but what kind of man allows himself to be flung through the roof of an old shack like a rag doll?
Charlie: A unique one!
*Claire rolls her eyes but hides a smile.*
Claire: And of course there's Aaron, who's…not in this room. *starts to panic* WHERE'S MY BAAAABBBYY?
*Most of the men duck for cover. Ana uses Eko as a shield, as you do, and Kate tries to reason with the wrath of Claire, before she gets blown away.*
Carletta: How on earth, good woman, do you keep losing your child?
Michael: Ha! I'm not the only one! TAKE THAT, SUCKERS!
Charlie: Michael, I like you and all, but if you don't stop being a twit, I'll wriggle free and crush you with my EN-OR-MOUS buttocks.
Carletta: Claire…stop tipping up the chairs like that…he's unlikely to be playing hide and seek is he?Claire: Where, oh, where is my BABYYYYYYY?
Carletta: And to think…I actually wanted this madness. *shakes head* Ugh. Nothing has changed with this loony lot.
Jack: Actually…we're no longer on television. That's something that's changed. *bursts into tears* WHYYYYYY?
Ben: They COMPLETELY rejected my new spin-off show: Two and a Half Smoke Monsters. I tried Lord of the Island, but likewise, that proved to be an utter failure. And I won't even go into how much they hated the idea of Lost and the City. *sighs dejectedly* I have been reaping nothing but failures as of late and nothing can cheer me up. *pokes Charlie's legs and then giggles.*
Carletta: Ignoring Aaron's absence of presence, and Ben's absence of a brain, let's get back to you, Claire. *smiles* Your relationship with Charlie has obviously been something we've all found interesting.
Miles: Speak for yourself!
*Claire chucks a shoe at him and looks dangerously close to becoming Crazy Claire again.*
Miles: *sarcastically* I'm sorry. Did my one tangible contribution to this discussion cause offence? Whoops. My bad.
Ana: *to Miles* Hm, I suddenly find you appealing.
*She glares when someone starts singing 'Can you Feel the Love Tonight?*
Claire: To follow up on your point, Carletta, Charlie has - or was, I don't know if he'll ever come back from there - been the best part of my life, as well as Aaron. When he's not, you know, doing drugs, or trying to drown babies…
Charlie: That was ONE time….And I wasn't trying to drown him!
Claire: …he's pretty sweet. And I know he cares about me. Just not enough to get his ass down from the damn ceiling…
Charlie: IF I COULD GET DOWN, DO YOU THINK I'D BE HANGING AROUND HERE?
Sawyer: YES WE DO! WE THINK YOU'RE JUST HANGING AROUND FOR LARKS. Pun definitely intended. *snickers*
Carletta: I thought your story was very touching the way it wrapped up… *sniffs* I mean…you were there…at his show…and you grabbed his…hand…*bawls like a baby* OH MY GOD! IT WAS THE BEST REUNION EVER!
Sawyer: *sourly* Guess we know which ship you're captain of, then.
Claire: SERIOUSLY, GUYS! WHERE THE HELL IS MY BABY?
Michael: *hopefully* Maybe, if you shout his name for a while, he'll come to you. And I won't look like such a twit for shouting Walt all the time.
Claire: I'm desperate, but not that desperate, Michael. And yes, that was a touching moment, Carletta. Very moving, uh-huh, now surrender my child!
*She tears apart the cabin trying to find Aaron and everyone becomes terrified.*
Ana: This chick is freakin' nuts!
Charlie: HEY! Don't make me drop down on you!
Ana: Just try it! Just try it and watch me whoop your butt!
Charlie: *grunting loudly* Ok….just…let…me…Ok, I may be on the stuck side of things.
Claire: *angrily* Oh, ANA, you try to get out for! Not me. YOU MEN ARE ALL THE SAME!
Charlie: *pausing* I wasn't aware it was a frequent habit for men to be wedged into a gap in the roof, and then only trying to come back to earth for another woman. This is the weirdest way of accusing me of cheating ever!
Jack: Is Carletta still crying?
Claire: Yep. God, she calls us a bag of emotional wrecks but when it comes down to it, she's just as bad as us… WHERE ARE YOU, YOU DEMON CHILD?
Sawyer: *ironically* Ah, the touching love between a mother and her child…
Carletta: *recovering* Right…on with the s-session. *laughs nervously* Anyone would think you lot had driven me to a breakdown.
Ben: Wouldn't surprise me.
Carletta: Claire…Ah, what's the point? We might as well wrap this all up and just maybe do a part two or something. Claire's not gonna concentrate whilst she's in the middle of…holding Walt hostage? Brilliant. That's all we need…
Claire: I will harm the boy unless you surrender my child.
Michael: My boy! My Walt! WALLLLLLLLLT!
*Kate suddenly appears and rugby tackles Claire to the ground. The two women wrestle, to the delight of the men.*
Charlie: *agonised* What's going on? I can't see!
Sawyer: Er… Kate has got Claire in a headlock and I…I am a little turned on, if I'm brutally honest.
*Juliet hits him over the head with a wet fish.*
Hurley: Dudettes…chill!
*Neither of the women pay the least bit of attention to him and actually growl at each other like lionesses.*
Hurley: Or don't. That's cool too…
Ben: *abashed* At what point did it stop being funny that we took her son?
*The entire room stares at him - with the exception of Kate and Claire - unable to say anything.*
Ben: Anyone for the dark side? We have cookies.
*The room continues to stare at him, with only Hurley slowly raising a hand before Sawyer smacks him hard, forcing him to lower it.*
A/n: Hey, I'm back! This chapter was interesting, to say the least, but it seems like these are getting harder and harder to write. So I think I'm gonna draw this to a conclusion soon. If I get more ideas, naturally I'll keep posting but I'm actually running out of issues to feature, believe it or not lol. I have the next five chapters planned though, so that's all good! Thank you so much for the reviews! They overwhelm me, and the quoting of the best bits makes me chuckle all over again. You guys are seriously awesome. I wish I could give you all a hug. Ah, well, a virtual one will have to do for now, right?