Session 27: In Which Jacob and the MIB have a smokedown!

Carletta tries to dominate the session, as usual, but her voice is drowned out by the noise. Michael is chasing Walt around the room…for no properly explained reason. Locke hurls a box towards Ben screaming 'My box is better than your box!' and everyone else is arguing…

Carletta: This is just beyond silly… *blows whistle loudly* SILENCE!

*The room obeys, each person returning reluctantly to their seat, enjoying the momentary conflict.*

Jacob: Ooh yay! It's our session isn't it? *smirks at his brother* Told you!

Man In Black: *sourly* You are so unfunny.

Sun: *frowning* Why do you two hate each other so much? Surely the reason you can't get off the island is because it's an island. You should get a boat.

Man In Black: It's a lot complicated than that…although that was never explained on the show that well… In fact…where did they get the idea I was evil from? I don't think I did anything worthy of the title of being evil?

Carletta: You killed your mother…then your brother. *hesitates* Was the island really that bad you couldn't stick it out for the rest of eternity?

*The Man in Black rolls his eyes and doesn't dignify that with a comment.*

Jack: *complaining* Why were these two considered fascinating? I don't get why they're so interesting. All they do is feud and fight and try and get off the island. BORING!

Man In Black: *heavily sarcastic* Right…And you've not done anything like that, whatsoever… God, you sicken me. You always have to be right, don't you?

Jack: *uncertainly* Er…not always.

Carletta: *scanning her notes briefly* Can you guys describe your relationship growing up? Was it…happy?

Jacob: Er…mostly. We frolicked amongst the flowers, held hands, and made daisy chains… *smiles dreamily*

Carletta: *snapping her head up* What?

Jacob: Er… we went hunting and…rock climbing and…manly stuff. You know…manly stuff.

Carletta: Right… Of course I'll know all about manly stuff, being a woman and all.

*Sun giggles immaturely; Jin hits her with a battered copy of Twilight.*

Charlie: Can I ask a question? Seeing how I wasn't around when the whole Jacob-Man In Black scenario came about? *scowls*

Carletta: Fire away, Charlie. So long as it isn't the one about where babies come from…

Charlie: HEY! I was morbidly curious, ok? *clears throat* Ok… I want to ask…

Sawyer: QUESTION STEALAGE! *smirks* What's your real name…you? *looks pointedly at the Man In Black* You gotta have one. Is it Paul? Rodrigo? *winces* It's not Leslie is it?

Arzt: HEY! I'll have you know only the manliest of men can sport the name Leslie and still be secure about their sexuality. *starts flirting with a spider*

Man In Black: It's Samuel, actually. The writer's confirmed it…I forget how many days ago. Not Esau, as some people believed. *snorts with disbelief* Do I look like an Esau to you?

Jacob: *snickering* Nope…but you could carry off the name Edna.

*Man In Black scowls at Jacob and grips the chair tightly, clearly trying not to transform into black smoke.*

Carletta: *patiently* So, I believe you are adopted? You weren't too pleased with that, Samuel, obviously, but what did you think about it Jacob?

Jacob: It was a shock, sure, but I got over it. I can handle my baggage.

Man In Black: *enraged* And what's that supposed to mean?

Jacob: You fail. End of story. *smirks*

Man In Black: Very mature, Jacob. We're not kids anymore.

Jacob: Then why do you throw like one?

Carletta: Ok…you two need to stop. Is there no chance of reconciliation between you guys? Like at all?

Man In Black: When Hell freezes over.

Boone: Don't say that to Jacob! He's Lucifer, just FYI.

*Everyone turns to stare at Boone, who holds up Supernatural in his hands.*

Shannon: So, what, you've just completely forsaken your show now? Traitor.

Boone: *impatiently* If a seventh season emerges, Shan, let me know and I'll unforsake it but whilst that remains under the category of unlikely, give me a break, buy a bolt and shut that trap of yours.

Richard: Which of you is the devil? I am confused. In my centric episode… *flashes a smile* …you both claimed the other was evil. Who turned out to be the good one?

Jacob, Man In Black: Oh, that's easy. It's me!

*They turn and glare at each other.*

Jacob, Man In Black: No…it's ME!

*Their glares intensify.*

Jacob, Man In Black: SHUT UP! It's me, not you!

Carletta: Will you guys shut up? You're infantile arguments are giving me a headache.

Jacob: Sure… I can behave. *smiles angelically* I was always aiding the survivors…

Hurley: *angrily* Aiding? Dude, you were like Yoda for heaven's sake! You were mysterious and…and…cryptic and had less than helpful advice!

Jacob: Still I helped.

Man In Black: *rolls eyes* Yeah, you were an awfully big help. Remind me not to skip down the yellow brick room and ask you for help anytime soon, bro.

Charlotte: I have a question…assholes. *glares* Wanna explain how the friggin' island can move in time? I've been itching to ask ever since, I dunno, I died.

Daniel: N-Now, Charlotte…let's not bother these gentlemen…

Charlotte: No…let's!

Daniel: Ok…I was about to remark what a good idea it was anyway. *looks scared*

Jacob: IT'S MAGICAL, CHARLOTTE! *waves arms around* THE ISLAND IS MAGICAL!

*Charlotte looks unimpressed.*

Man In Black: It's a sci-fi show, genius. You figure it out.

*Charlotte growls but leans back in her seat and sulks.*

Jacob: I think my explanation was better.

Man In Black: You would.

Carletta: Ok… *rolls eyes* Let's move on. Jacob…the cryptic-ness…would it have killed you to be a little more open?

Jacob: Er…

Michael: He has to think about it?

Ben: What a first class douche!

Juliet: Shut up, Ben.

Ben: Yes, wif – er, Juliet. *looks abashed*

Locke: So…let me get this straight. Was I dead all along then? The dude walking around in season six wasn't me?

Carletta: *sadly* Nope. You were dead.

Jack: Sorry, bud…I died too, if it helps.

Locke: You're sorry? *scoffs* At least you made it right to the bitter end. Literally. Your stupid eye was the last thing we saw! And the first!

Jack: *grinning* It is an awesome eye.

Man In Black: I was rather cunning when I found my loophole. I killed you good, Jacob. You burned in Hell where you belong!

*Boone scowls at the Man In Black but doesn't say anything.*

Jacob: Now I'm hurt by that remark. I didn't mean to kill you and then turn you into black smoke. It was an accident. Could've happened to anyone!

Liam: I once told Charlie if he climbed into the washing machine and I switched it on he'd go back in time because it was a time machine.

*The room absorbs that, whilst Sawyer smirks in Charlie's direction.*

Jacob: That's lame…I once told Samuel if drank a bunch of seawater and killed a seagull, he'd turn into a warlock. *sniggers*

Liam: LAME! I mixed dog food in with Charlie's cereal, pretending it was this secret recipe which would give him magic.

Jacob: *looks impressed* Not bad…I once told Samuel he had a terminal disease and the only way to cure it was to do a naked dance for twenty four hours on the top of the cliff. *smirks* If only cameras had been invented…

Liam: *smirking* Younger siblings are awesome to have, aren't they?

Man In Black: *haughtily* There's no empirical evidence I'm the youngest. We both arrived at the same time…to a different woman, I might add…and so we'll never really know who exactly is the oldest. And it would only be by a few minutes anyway.

Carletta: *sighs* Let's skip all the brother issues for a moment. I suppose spending an infinite amount of time with the same people would drive you mad…

Jack: How'd you figure that one out?

*Carletta gives him a wry smile.*

Carletta: I learned a lot watching you hooligans, that's how. Bearing in mind you started attacking each other on the second or third day. *shakes head* Talk about acting like savages…

Michael: Dudes…at least you didn't have a son you got to know and then lose frequently over a short period of time. *shakes head* Man, was that a challenge…

Man In Black: You suck, Michael. That's why you never ended up 'moving on'. You just ended up a whisper like the failure you are.

Carletta: HEY! There'll be none of that here. This is a supportive environment…

Charlie: SAWYER SUCKS EGGS!

Sawyer: *mock gasping* Like that even makes sense! Least I don't try to drown babies 'cause of a dream!

Jack: WHERE'S KATE? ME NO LIKEY WHEN KATE NOT HERE-Y!

Locke: *at Ben* YOU SUCK! I wasn't MEANT to die!

Richard: *confusedly* Yes, you were. That's what you told me when you were pretending to be you…Oh no, I've gone cross-eyed. *falls backwards of his chair*

Man In Black: That was me! You eyeliner-wearing, puffy eyed, immortal freak!

Ana: HEY! *snarls* Nobody insults Richard Alpert!

Man In Black: *incredulously* Hey, before these sessions you had no clue who Richard even was! Why? Because you were six feet under, that's why!

Carletta: *wailing* Why has everyone devolved into cavemen and started yelling? THIS IS MADNESS!

*The Man In Black and Ana rise to their feet and start yelling. Michael looks from one to the other with wide, uncertain eyes. Jack overturns chairs in the search for Kate. Carletta blows off steam by yelling at the person next to her, who just happens to be a frightened Jin… It's utter madness.*

Jacob: *serenely* Peace, my children, peace…

*No one listens.*

Jacob: *huffily* Or not…whatever floats your boat.

Man In Black: I don't have a boat! That's the whole problem.

Jacob: Well boo-hoo! I don't have a gold house on the beach but you don't see me crying!

Man In Black: *sarcastically* Yes, being stuck on an island you hate and not having a gold house is really the same thing. Idiot!

Carletta: Whoa! Can you guys just take a time out, for heaven's sake? *turns to the Man In Black* You said something in the season five finale that resonated with me. You said 'they come, they fight, they destroy, they corrupt…it always ends the same.' Yes or no?

Man In Black: I may have said that…what's your point?

Carletta: Isn't that what you guys have done? So…you're kind of hypocritical. I mean, you guys were born, you fought, you destroyed and you kind of corrupted people. Not necessarily you, Jacob, but… *looks pointedly at the Man In Black*

Jacob: YES! Off the hook!

Carletta: No…you're not.

Jacob: *sulkily* Aw, man! *kicks a chair*

Sawyer: Well, that's mature. To think, this guy was keeper of the island and here is he throwing tantrums like a toddler.

Carletta: You can't talk, Sawyer.

Sawyer: *confused* My lips are moving…and words are coming out…what does that mean on your planet then? Feeding time?

*Carletta removes her shoe and executes a well aimed throw as the shoe hits Sawyer's head and knocks him out of his chair. Rubbing his head and scowling, he returns to his seat, muttering darkly underneath his breath.*

Man In Black: *looks at her with mild interest* Why were you never on the show? You would've made a formidable opponent, or at least a sassy sidekick.

*Carletta shrugs, not looking particularly bothered.*

Carletta: My job is to counsel, not to act alongside a band of babbling band of buffoons. *under her breath* Though you wouldn't know it from looking.

Ana: I object to that!

Carletta: You object to everything, Ana, that's why you're unlikable.

Ana: That's true!

Carletta: So…Jacob. You were very cryptic in most – if not all – your scenes. Wanna explain why you didn't just share all?

Jacob: *considers the question* Because it wouldn't have been very Lost-y if I'd blabbed everything. And, really, who would listen to the word of a strange man in the middle of a jungle, wearing clothes that are so old even time has abandoned them?

*Jack and Ben – who both clearly would do that – start to slowly move backwards in their chairs.*

Man In Black: What he really means is that he's happy to tell all if it'll get me into trouble but not if it helps anybody else.

Carletta: *angrily* This is silly now. Come on, you're both grown men. Can't you see that conflict is the real conflict here?

Man In Black: *blankly* Huh?

Jacob: What?

Carletta: You argue for the sake of arguing. I mean, years of repressed emotions and lack of communication has led you to this point!

Sawyer: Hey! That's actually a useful thing to have pointed out. How come you've never given any of us that kind of speech?

Carletta: Because you never give me chance to speak! Usually, I'm busy solving disputes which are completely irrelevant! If it's not Sun throwing a tantrum because she's bored, or Jack crying because something in his world has gone terribly, horribly wrong, then it's Charlie getting stuck in the damn roof, Claire losing her baby or you flirting with everything and anyone who bats an eyelash in your direction! *pants* Man, that felt good to get off my chest!

Ana: Well, maybe if ya grew a pair, you'd be able to handle us hooligans.

Carletta: *losing her temper* And, maybe, if you weren't so trigger happy, you would've actually kept someone alive long enough to make a friend.

Ana: Bitch.

Carletta: Well, Ana, I learn from the best. *gives a mock salute* Guess what my New Year's resolution was? To be a tough ass therapist.

Charlie: Yay….

Carletta: Don't be a kiss ass, Charlie.

Charlie: Oh…ok… *quietly* Yay…

Jacob: So? Are we cured yet?

Carletta: *laughing quietly* Sometimes, Jacob, I wonder about you…I want you to turn to your brother and confess something to him. Anything you like. I just need you guys to communicate again.

Jacob: Ok…brother. I'll tell you a secret. I've always been mom's favourite.

Man In Black: Have not!

Jacob: Have too!

Man In Black: Have not!

Jacob: *thinking fast* Have not!

Man In Black: Have too!

Jacob: HA!

Man In Black: DAMN IT!

Carletta: *flatly* You know what…this isn't worth my time or effort. *leans back* I need a holiday.

Ben: How about the island from Lost?

Carletta: No thank you…I don't wanna hear Matthew Fox's heavy breathing…

Jack: Matthew Fox is the actor who plays…OH YOU SO DIDN'T!

Sawyer: HA! HA! HA! *chokes much to Charlie's delight*

Jacob: I can solve all of this with just a click of my fingers.

*He snaps his fingers and all of a sudden they're absolutely nowhere. For miles and miles, there is absolutely…nothing.*

Carletta: Ok, I'll be the one to say this –guys… where are we?

Charlie: ARGH! YOU STOLE MY LINE! I'LL KILL YOU!

*He gets angry and starts to turn into…a puff of smoke. A rather pathetic and laughable puff of smoke. The Man in Black laughs and blows him away.*

Carletta: *stares* Ok…that right there…was messed up. I'm not gonna…I'm just…I need to… Oh screw it. I'm going to lie down…

A/n: This was hard to do. Hopefully you'll find humour here and laugh… *crosses fingers* :P Anyway, thanks for reviewing guys! Really means a lot that you continue having faith in this story.

Next session: In Which Libby Adlibs (Get it? Huh? Huh?)