Session 28: In Which Libby Adlibs (Get it?)
Hurley: *loudly* I don't!
Carletta: Don't what?
Hurley: *pointing to title* I don't get the title! Is there a pun or something? I don't like not understanding things.
Carletta: So, why on earth were you in Lost? Ugh, never mind. I should know by now not to ask inane questions like that. It's more pointless than teaching Jack about any number after 5.
Jack: True…I do have a certain…fondness for counting up to five.
Carletta: Ok…enough with the distractions. Let's concentrate on Libby.
*The entire room creepily turns towards Libby, who shrinks (no pun intended) into her chair, looking intimidated*
Libby: I know nothing! I shall reveal nothing!
Carletta: *pauses* Yeah, but you do, and you will, isn't that right?
Libby: Yes.
Ben: I have no respect for people who cave in so…so…easily! You'd never find me caving in like a… girl.
*Ana and Kate exchange a wry glance before making their way over to a now nervous looking Ben. The three of them then disappear into a dust cloud, and only the odd squeak of submission from Ben can be heard.*
Kate: Say it!
Ana: SAY. IT!
Ben: *weakly* I am a weenie who is a sexist pig and who should go live under someone's stairs.
Kate: And….? *glares*
Ben: I don't wanna say it! I refuse to!
*Ana grabs Ben's ear and twists it sharply.*
Ben: Alright! Alright! Juliet is not, nor ever will be, my wife. And Kate is definitely NOT my backup girl. She is, and always will be, Jack's girl.
Kate: *approvingly* That's better.
Jack: Ha…
Carletta: Have you finished?
Kate: Not by a long shot! I still have to get that evil swine back for making me have breakfast with him! *pretends to vomit* THAT. WAS. TORTURE!
Sayid: YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TORTURE IS! STOP BEING INSENSITIVE TO TORTURERS!
Jack: *sarcastically* Yeah, because they have it SO rough…
Carletta: I'm gonna stop this before Sayid starts a charity campaign for torturers. So…Libby. You're a mystery. Explain.
Libby: That's oddly direct and to the point.
Carletta: I kind of have to be direct. I am a tough ass therapist now, remember? So. Tell us something about yourself we don't already know. Seriously. We know diddly squat about you.
Libby: I was married.
Desmond: I knew that already. PAH! *starts to drink his way into oblivion*
Charlie: Oh, Desmond…why are you an alcoholic?
Desmond: *puzzled* Because I drink a lot. That is the word for people who drink a lot. And it's not easy being an alcoholic you know. *stands up on his chair, addressing the room* It's not just a hobby! It's not just for Christmas… It's a way of life. This land is littered with failed alcoholics! Well not this boy…no!
Carletta: Fascinating stuff, Desmond…Congratulations. You've just volunteered yourself as the centre of the next session.
Desmond: Did I? Oh, crap…
Libby: *interrupting* Er…well, my real name is Elizabeth. My husband was called David. I was in Santa Rose… I remember Hurley being there…
Hurley: OOH! OOH! LOST CONNECTION! *faints*
Sawyer: TIIIIIIIIMMMMBEEEEEER! *chuckles* I really am being great.
Juliet: *sarcastically* I'm surprised your ego can fit in this room, James. Put a leash on that, will you?
Sawyer: And the dog can bite. Bitch.
Juliet: Jerk.
Carletta: How do you two have issues? You two are perfect. The online world has already proven that!
Sawyer: *shrugging* Meh. It's not worth going into. Juliet still thinks I'm into Kate, let's just leave it at that.
Kate: Purrrr…
Sawyer: What?
Kate: Er, I said… poor you.
Carletta: *sighing* I can't believe how sane the first session sounded compared to all the sessions which took place after it. Let's go back to Libby, who, so far, has failed to tell us something we didn't already know.
Libby: I'm religious. I know I don't strike you as the type but I have faith there's something greater than us out there. I used to go church a lot, even after David died. *shrugs* I wouldn't go as far to say that everything happens for a reason but I do believe in a form of destiny.
Locke: BOO YEAH!
Carletta: *frowning* Didn't that saying come up in one of the other sessions?
Ana: Since I've got nothing better to do, I'll check.
*She sidles over to a random computer and absorbs herself in her task.*
Carletta: *turns to Libby, smiling encouragingly* Thank you for sharing that information, Libby. Did you have any siblings at all? Any deep dark family secrets?
Libby: No, I was a single child. *smiles sadly* No kids either, if that's what you mean. I would've loved to have children.
Michael: *shoving Walt forwards* Take this one! I'm fed up with him!
Libby: Er…
Walt: I have a mouth of my own, Dad! I can speak my own mind!
Michael: I know…That's the problem! You're such a problem child.
Jack: KATE, JUST MARRY ME ALREADY!
Charlie: I lost my shoe… *sad face*
Miles: I think I'm a God…
Carletta: *faintly* That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. Ok, here we go… Michael and Walt…sort your differences out now! You can't replace family so don't even try. Jack, stop spontaneously proposing. You're dead, dude, get over it. Charlie…the less said about you the better. I think you lost your shoe somewhere between 'I don't and 'care'. Miles…why do you think you're a God?
Miles: I dunno…Just do.
*There's a brief pause. Carletta sighs in exasperation.*
Carletta: Well, that's…clear. *sighs* Oh my days, this is one hell of a job. Ok…Libby…
Frank: Is it ok that I've also changed my name to Libby?
Carletta: Hell no! And where the hell have you been?
Frank: I've been drinking with my good bud, Desmond. *hiccups* Also…trying to discover gold…Accidentally discovered green in the process.
Carletta: *flatly* Green? As in the colour.
Frank: HOW DID YOU KNOW? We must alert the media… *passes out*
Ana: *from the computer* HA! If you read these sessions from the point of an outsider, it actually makes our antics seem hilarious!
*This fic comes dangerously close to breaking the fourth wall…Oops. We've broken it. Sorry…*
Libby: Am I not being entertaining enough for you to concentrate on, Carletta? *stands up in protest* Speaking as a clinical psychologist I…
Carletta: You try working under these conditions! This must be what war is like, only instead of people dying, we have utter loons doing whatever the hell they like!
Libby: Have you ever tried, I don't know, a patient approach? Because this lot, in case you haven't noticed, thrive on mischief and chaos.
Carletta: How am I getting psychoanalysed by one of my own patients?
Ben: I would jump in and say it's because you fail but Kate's looking at me funny… I'm scared.
Juliet: *smugly* You should be. She dislocated my shoulder without a problem. She's one tough bitch.
Carletta: Can we direct this mindless stream of rubbish in the direction of Libby please?
*Sawyer and Miles proceed to fling rubbish at Libby.*
Carletta:*scowling* I didn't mean literally, guys. Thanks for adding to the global warming crisis.
Jacob: THERE'S A CRISIS? Brother - to the Smoke Mobile!
Man In Black: By that, I take it you mean you want me to turn into smoke and allow you to climb up on my back?
Jacob: I always said you were the smart one. Let us fly…Well, let's let YOU fly.
*He disappears along with the Man In Black. A stunned silence follows.*
Jin: What…happened?
Sun: I have no idea…
Carletta: Two nutters down… *she chuckles ironically* Back to you, Libby…How did you find the first 48 days of surviving the island? Any traumas or challenges you wanna share?
Libby: Other than Ana, no. *giggles* I'm joking…
Ana: Better be…bitch. I've just discovered the power of fan fiction! And I can write you a violently successful death if you continue to besmirch the good name that is…Ana Lucia Cortez! *cackles evilly*
Miles: She. Is. Awesome! I wanna marry this woman!
*He realizes what he's just said and looks momentarily stunned, before trying to laugh it off, staring at his lap.*
Carletta: *hiding a smirk* I hope you both live happily ever after. *coughs loudly* Is there anything else you'd like to share Libby? Anything at all?
Sawyer: WHY DID YOU GO FOR TUBBY?
*Libby blinks, startled by the question.*
Libby: Excuse me?
Sawyer: Why. Did. You. Go. For. Tubby? Must I spell it out with Alphabet soup! Oh, my life is just a meaningless string of sordid affairs. No one understands… I am such a troubled shadow of a human being. *pauses* That was my impression of a patient in therapy. Was that not clear?
Carletta: Yes….Well, no.
Sawyer: Nevertheless, my question still stands! Why did you fall for Tubby bear?
Libby: Hurley?
Sawyer: No, I was on about Jack, funnily enough.
Libby: What?
Jack: I'M FAT? *wails and runs out the room*
Hurley: *waking up* Dude…I'm not fat, ok? I just have big bones.
*Sawyer rolls his eyes. Jack's loud sobs can be heard from outside the cabin. Kate rushes to comfort him.*
Libby: I fell for Hurley because he's sweet and kind and a perfect gentleman. We have a lot in common.
Sawyer: You both like food?
*Hurley pokes Sawyer in the stomach, winding him.*
Libby: No, silly. Because we were both lost souls trying to find some ground to stand on. We both used different things to hide our struggle, but the struggle was there all the same. Hurley ate because he was unhappy…
Sawyer: …and hungry…
Libby: And I sort of became a shadow of myself as I tried to find myself after David's death.
Carletta: Hate to ruin the beautiful moment but…you're kinda stealing my thunder here, Libby.
Libby: Three words: suck it up.
*Sawyer looks gleeful and leans in for a high five, only for Hurley to push his chair from underneath him so he falls to the ground.*
Locke: I think it says a lot when one of us actually manages to get themselves to talk more than our therapist.
Carletta: Thanks for that observation, Locke. Now…let's see if your bald head can successfully deflect a saucepan…
*Angry, she hurls a saucepan at him and it knocks him out.*
Juliet: Apparently not…
Libby: This has been unproductive…
Carletta: Not really… We've found out a lot of things today. We've found out Miles and Sawyer have egos the size of Britain. We've found out you'll always be a mystery because that's just your "character". ANDDDD, most importantly, we've learned Locke's head is not able to successfully deflect objects. *nods wisely*
Ana: I've located the chapter where Ben says Boo Yeah! We were talking about families and Ben came out with it.
Carletta: Thanks, Ana, but I no longer care.
Ana: You bitch! *starts typing away* For that…I'm going to write a one-shot all about how you set off each and every one of Rousseau's traps!
Carletta: Okay…You do that.
Ana: I'm gonna do that, and you'll be like 'Oh Ana! I should've paid more attention to Ana instead of blowing her off all the time!'
Carletta: We won't know that until you type it up!
Ana: I'm gonna do it!
Carletta: There's the computer.
*There's a brief pause before Ana shuts the computer down and goes back to her seat.*
Ana: I'll be good.
Libby: Was I the only one who GENUINELY liked Ana? I thought she was… *struggles to find a positive adjective*
Sawyer: I tapped that. Literally.
*Juliet wrinkles her nose in disgust.*
Juliet: And I'm hearing about this now?
Sawyer: What can I say, sweet cheeks? Therapy just brings out all my dark secrets. *laughs*
Carletta: I seem to recall in your session you were very unhelpful and mean.
*Sawyer gives her a 'So?' look and she retreats, sensing there's no point in provoking him.*
Carletta: *sigh* Let's wrap it up, folks. This has been unproductive.
Libby: *outraged* I said that and you totally shot down my argument!
Carletta: Oops…Well, I'm in charge here and what I say goes.
Ben: Now, that sounds familiar. *flinches as Ana gives him a death stare* IT DOESN'T! I WAS LYING! DON'T HURT MEEEEEE!
Carletta: *sigh* Why do I even bother?
A/n: I've got some good news and bad news. The bad news is that I've picked a number to end the story on, but I'm not gonna tell you because otherwise it'll be a countdown and it'll ruin your enjoyment of the collection. Please keep the death threats to a minimum lol.
The good news is that there's still a while to go. And I've got a fantastic and surprising thing planned for the last ever session. I think you'll enjoy it. Also, for those of you who are interested, I've made a banner to sort of promote the fic. I can't post the link here but if you're interested in seeing it just inbox me. :) Google Michaela MacManus and look at the pictures of her in a suit, because that's how I imagine Carletta to look. You might have your own ideas.
Thanks again for the brilliant reviews! I see new readers have hopped on board so thank you! *hugs*