A/N: A few more replies... PS. Guests, I totally love you guys, but if you could leave a name when you review so you know which reply is for you, that would help :) Thanks!
Guest (Ch 79) - Oh, uhh, wow, that's kind of awkward. While it may be a possibility, getting into the mechanics of biology was not something I was prepared to deal with. Sorry.
Guest (Ch 83) - I'm glad you're enjoying the daily postings, always happy to give people something to look forward to :) And it's nice to be a favourite too. Thanks, that was one of my goals, realism in this story, so I appreciate hearing that. Thank you, you're very sweet and I'm thrilled you're enjoying the story.
Sarah (Ch 83) - I love to reply to as many people as I can, you guys have already done me such a favour by reviewing :) I know, me too. I was hoping for TYF to be 3-5 chapters at the least, but then I wrote it and it was just kinda...done. I could expand, but I think it does a good job of wrapping things up. I guess we'll see when I post it. Snapshots is by far my favourite, so many good moments in there to look forward to. Oh man, I had to do so much research for the Hebrew it was ridiculous. Finding transliterated Hebrew phrases online is much harder than it sounds. Even then I'm sure I messed things up, I really did try. Congrats on starting to learn it! Wow, that must be interesting. I agree, it seems like a very beautiful language. I've already gotten attached to some of the words and phrases I've been using, tho I'm sure I'm pronouncing them totally wrong. I guess you'd probably have to go to Israel to have a conversation tho, huh? Too bad. Thanks :) I know it was sad but I agree, better to be honest because he's going to figure it out eventually. More resolution of that to come I think. Thanks for reviewing! PS. If you ever want to get an account, it's not as scary as it sounds and so much easier to chat! ~Aliyah
Guest (Ch 83) who wishes the story could last forever - Me too! I thought I'd be relieved to have it over with but I find I'm missing my characters/world much more than I expected. Especially now that I'm writing the last Snapshot (tho I'm totally open to adding more of them if the inspiration hits). I'm glad you think it's good, thanks :) Check out my profile if you're interested in other stories. There's several Tiva and a couple McAbby one-shots, they're all labeled. Thanks for being interested!
zoey (Ch 83) - I have doubts that I will ever write another Tiva story of this magnitude (tho I cannot speak for the slightly obsessive plot bunnies that seem to keep finding me) and I have no plans for a McAbby story. I had a few ideas floating around but I'm okay taking a writing break for now. So at this point I'd say, don't get your hopes up. This is pretty much the last of my inspiration. As for the future *shrugs* I guess we'll see. Thanks for asking!
On Friday Tony and Ziva both took the afternoon off so they could go to Chaya's doctor appointment. There'd been no question at all if Tony was accompanying her this time - the dark look when he suggested only one of them go had him agreeing in seconds. By two pm they sat in Exam Room #4 with Chaya on Tony's lap, chewing on the toy he held.
Dr. Meyers walked in minutes later and smiled knowingly. "I thought I might see all of you today." She leaned down to look at Chaya. "It's a good thing you don't remember last time or you wouldn't be grinning at me like that." She straightened and smiled encouragingly. "Okay Dad, I guess it's your turn. Lay her on the table please."
Tony could feel his palms sweat as he lifted Chaya into his arms and stood, brushing a kiss to her head. "It's okay sweetie, Daddy's here." Ziva stayed in her chair and kept a wary eye on the doctor.
Watching both of them, Mandy shook her head. "It's always harder on the parents. Tony, sit down, I've changed my mind. You can hold her for this." She listened to Chaya's breathing and heartbeat and inquired how she was after the last shots. Then she reached into her pocket and brought out the needles.
Tony's eyes widened. "You're going to stick her with those? Is this entirely necessary?"
Mandy glanced back at Ziva and moved to block her view of the baby. "I'm afraid so. But I'll make it quick and then you can go and you won't have to bring her back for two months."
He held out a hand. "Wait, she has to get more? How many?"
It was a demand and Mandy tried not to laugh. Dealing with Chaya's dad was definitely worse than her mom. "Four. Six months, one year, fifteen months and a year and a half. That's the vaccination schedule."
Tony fought the urge to snatch up their things and storm out, never to return again. It was unrealistic, but that didn't matter. He locked eyes with his wife for a moment, then cradled Chaya protectively against his chest. "Get it over with," he muttered.
Following orders, Mandy positioned his hands out of the area she needed to swab and injected the first vaccine, then quickly turned the baby to do the second one, pressing little round colourful bandaids to both legs. It was over in a matter of seconds but Chaya shrieked, then kept up a continuous wail even after the doctor moved away. Tony held her close and murmured into her ear, rubbing his fingers firmly up and down her spine. The tears rolling down her cheeks broke his heart and he understood now why Ziva had needed a hug after getting Chaya through this alone.
The baby finally quieted and Mandy went over the instructions again for symptoms Chaya might deal with before letting the little family go. It turned out to be a good thing that they didn't go into work. Chaya was fussy at her feeding half an hour after returning home and by late afternoon she was running a fever. Ziva went upstairs for the baby tylenol and Tony undressed Chaya down to her diaper, holding cold cloths to the red marks on her legs.
It was a long day. Ziva had to pump because Chaya refused to nurse and it was nearly bedtime before she would take Ziva's breast again. Her sleep that night was fitful and they took turns comforting her when she cried. Both were very glad the next day was Saturday. Tony and Ziva kept her home from swimming and turned down the offer of guests since a cranky baby was no fun to hang out with.
Despite their protests, Gibbs and Celeste came anyways to give the parents a couple hours' break. Instead of going out, they curled up on their bed and took a nap, grateful that Chaya was sleeping when they woke up. She slept for a long time, nursed, spent an hour crying and then settled down in her crib as if it was any other night. Worn out, Tony and Ziva got into bed and slipped into dreams before they even said goodnight.
NCIS
Tony opened his eyes, gradually becoming aware of his surroundings again. The despair from what he'd been seeing held on hard, and relief filled him when he saw that his wife slept peacefully beside him in their bed. It had all been a dream. He reached up to wipe his face and found tears. No, it had been a nightmare all too close to reality. Slowly Tony sat up, trying not to disturb Ziva. He propped his feet on the bedframe and rested his head in his hands, sighing heavily, but quietly. Thank God it wasn't real.
"Tony?" her sleepy tone belied that fact that Ziva was completely alert and ready for action if need be. He didn't answer, not sure he could trust his voice at the moment. Instead he just continued to stare out the window until Ziva knelt behind him, wrapping her arms around his chest and shoulders. "What is wrong?" Her voice was full of care, her breath warm on his ear.
"I couldn't do it Ziva," he choked out at last, emotion clogging his throat. "I couldn't do this without you."
She tilted her head, trying to figure out his meaning, her dark curly hair falling over his arm like a soft curtain. "You do not have to ahava," she tried to reassure him, "I am not going anywhere."
One of his hands wrapped around her wrist, and Ziva tightened her hold on him. "Do you remember why we got married early?" Tony asked quietly.
Memories of the doctor's appointment, of Mandy's concern and ultimatum concerning her pregnancy flooded back into Ziva's mind and suddenly she knew what her husband was thinking. "Oh Tony." She buried her head in his neck, muttering in Hebrew while she tried to sort out what she could say to make it better. His body shuddered, waves of emotion rolling off of him. After several moments, Ziva had a plan.
"Look at me," she commanded, and Tony kind of glanced at her over his shoulder, wondering if he was in trouble. Ziva let go and panic flashed on his face. She sat back on her feet. "No, look at me Tony."
Turning, he did as she asked, automatically reaching out for her hands. Touching her had always enabled him to remember what was real. After a moment of silence, he lifted an eyebrow. "What am I supposed to be seeing?"
"Me," Ziva said simply. "I am here. I am okay. Chaya is okay. You are okay," she put emphasis on him. "Nothing bad happened Tony. I know it feels real, I dreamt that it was when I asked you to marry me sooner. But it is not real and we are together and I am not going anywhere."
Tony closed his eyes and nearly fell into her arms. Ziva lay down again and pressed herself into her husband's body, knowing he needed the contact. Tony gathered her as close as he could, turning his face into her messy hair to breathe the scent of her curls. Slipping one of her legs between his, Ziva held him. It was minutes later before she finally thought of two other things that would help. First, she took his right hand and laid it on her over her heart so he could feel the steady beat, a reassurance that everything she'd told him was true. Then Ziva lifted her face and brushed her lips over his. That was all the encouragement Tony needed and he greedily drank in the kiss. One kiss led to two, then three, then four and that was when Ziva stopped counting.
The make out session was only the beginning and their lovemaking that night was slow and gentle and passionate, as Tony savoured every second of the connection he was still so newly allowed to have with her. Using her body, Ziva proved to her husband that she was very much alive and very much in love with him. They fell asleep together, tired and sweaty but content as Tony held Ziva in his arms, lacing their fingers together before he closed his eyes. He didn't really want to go back to sleep in case the dream was still there waiting, but with Ziva laying naked against him, he couldn't help but think his dreams would be of an entirely different nature this time. And he was okay with that. As long as they were together, they could get through anything.
NCIS
The sound of the shower brought him out of sleep and when he understood, Tony wished he hadn't woken up. It had only been a couple of hours since their middle of the night talk and the subsequent comfort her body had offered him, and if it were a weekday Ziva would be going for a run. But it was very early on Sunday morning and once again Ziva had to take a shower because they'd been intimate.
He rolled over onto his side away from the bathroom door and sighed heavily. After the first time it happened, Tony had started to research the effects of rape on women, specifically the results when a woman tried to have sex again. Some women were okay but most had vivid flashbacks and freaked out, some fought back especially if they hadn't during their attack, and some experienced physical symptoms after the act of making love. But as far as he could tell, it often took having sex several times before any of those things began to wear off. And even then there were no guarantees. Possessing that knowledge was useful, but it still didn't make it any easier to stomach the fact that his wife couldn't be with him and not think about all those other men.
Abruptly, the water shut off and a few minutes later Ziva crawled back into bed and spooned up behind him, slipping her arm under his and over his chest. She was warm and smelled of that milk and honey body wash she always used. Feeling the tension in her husband's body, Ziva rested her head between his shoulder blades and said the words softly.
"It is not your touch I am trying to wash off ahava, please believe that."
"But it is my touch that makes you feel the need to shower every time we have sex." His voice was monotone, a statement not a question because he already knew the answer.
Ziva closed her eyes, wishing this wasn't so difficult for him. "Tony do not do this."
He flipped over to face her, his eyes flashing. "Don't do what?" he hissed. "Pull away because sleeping with me makes you feel dirty? Get angry because it sucks? Hate the guys who made you afraid to be with me? Me, who would do anything for you and I've proved it over and over again. Me, who waited for you, longer than I've ever gone before. Me, who loves you. Dang it Ziva!"
The fury poured off of him but Ziva did not shrink away. She too was so ready to be done with the symptoms of Somalia. She looked down at the sheets. "I am sorry Tony."
He stared at her hard for a second before flopping back down on the bed. "Yeah, I'm sorry too." Silence fell between them for a long time before Tony tried to make things right. "It's not you I'm mad at." It was a sorry excuse for an apology, but at the moment it was all he had.
Ziva tilted her head and the moonlight reflected in her eyes. "Just like it is not you I am afraid of. But we are the only ones here. There is no one else left to be angry with except me. There is nothing that can make me afraid except the memories, but it is your touch that is real and it is the only thing I can fight."
Tony pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. "Geez Ziva, you've been spending way too much time with that shrink."
A glimmer of a smile ghosted across Ziva's lips. "She has helped me to understand so much of what I still carry. You should be glad for her."
"I am, I just..." he sighed. "I wish this was easier, for both of us." Taking her hand, he held it in both of his. "I don't want to take out my frustration on you."
Ziva slid her fingers into his hair. "And I do not want you to feel like a failure, or like less of a man when I have to deal with the memories that come after our time together. So what do we do now?"
Tony sat up and leaned against the headboard, drawing Ziva in to sit on his lap. "Will you just promise that I can always hold you? No matter what you see in those flashbacks?" He cradled her against his chest. "If you just let me hold you Zi, maybe it won't seem so bad."
Her arms went around his neck and she nodded into his t-shirt. "I will try Tony. If I can stand to be touched, I will let you hold me." He felt her sigh through his shirt. "This is where I want to be."
Tony rested his head on her shoulder and just held his wife. It didn't make anything better, talking cut into their already shortened night and they still had to be coherent in a couple hours to care for their daughter. But it was necessary, and the couple realized that compared to everything else they'd fought through to get to this point, Ziva's reactions were just a small bump in the road that they would eventually get past, together. Because making it through the tough parts was what this particular DiNozzo couple, did best.
NCIS
Ziva left the shelter of Tony's arms shortly after the sun rose that morning, placed a note on her pillow, and ran to the pool. Diving into the cool, welcoming water felt like coming home and she realized it had been too long since she'd last gone swimming. Instead of aiming for a certain number of laps, Ziva decided just to swim until she could relax. Last night's events confused her and she needed a quiet, solitary place to think. No one else was using the pool at this hour, so it worked perfectly.
The experience of making love last night, for her at least, had been completely different from their first time. There hadn't been long enough of a warm up for Ziva to even get nervous, and because her focus had been so entirely on what her husband needed, reassuring and comforting him, what they were doing barely even registered until it was over. Coming up for air, Ziva plunged under again, trying to sort through their middle of the night activities. Tony had been gentle and attentive, putting her needs first even as she sought to make their intimacy about him. And even though she'd woken up later with a desperate need to shower, Ziva felt like the nightmare didn't colour their time together as much as it had before.
She swam with long even strokes until her muscles no longer obeyed her commands, and then she heaved herself out and sat on the edge with a towel, thinking of the weeks and months when she had come here in the beginning. And later, with Tony following her like a puppy, unwilling to be too far away or let her out of his sight too long. He always pretended to be playing games on his phone, but even in the days before she could handle acknowledging his attention, Ziva knew that Tony was watching her - making sure she wasn't pushing herself too hard, looking up to be sure she was still there, unable to take his eyes off her because he'd loved her so long before he actually got to say those words.
Finally she stood and made her way to the showers before realizing she hadn't brought a bag. It was a slow walk home but Ziva didn't want to call and ask for a ride. Besides, for too long her ability to move had been hindered and she wanted to appreciate the freedom she now had. By the time she walked in the door, Tony was making breakfast, a babbling Chaya held in his arms facing the stove while Tony explained how to make scrambled eggs and cautioned her not to reach for the frying pan because it was 'hot'.
He looked over and grinned. "Hey. We weren't sure when you would be back." Tony slid the frying pan off the burner and brought her the baby. "Just in time though, someone wants to eat before we do."
Ziva lifted Chaya to eye level and rubbed noses with her. "Hello my darling, are you hungry?"
Chaya grinned at Mommy, showing off her toothless gums. "A-da, a-da, a-ba," she announced, and Tony turned towards them, bowls of oatmeal in his hands.
"Quite the little chatterbox we've got there. She's been doing that all morning. First thing I heard when I woke up was Chaya jabbering to herself." He raised an eyebrow at Ziva. "Can you eat and nurse at the same time?"
She settled in one of the kitchen table chairs. "Yes."
"Good," he grinned, retrieving plates while Ziva got Chaya situated. "I made your bacon and mine, just so no one feels left out."
Ziva tasted the oatmeal and seemed surprised. "Berries?"
"Yup," Tony confirmed proudly. "Strawberries and blueberries. Those are healthy, right?"
She chuckled. "They are better than brown sugar."
"And scrambled eggs with cheese to finish off the meal."
Ziva sampled some of each, always aware of how her daughter was doing. "I never realized breakfast was your specialty."
Tony shrugged. "When my mom was sick I spent a lot of time in the kitchen at home. Anna and Louise felt sorry for me and showed me everything, did whatever it took to keep me occupied." He gave her a half-grin. "Guess I picked up a few tricks of the trade."
Ziva's expression was nostalgic. "There was always family in the kitchen at home. We had servants, but my mother loved to take care of us, so she spent a great deal of time overseeing things and took responsibility for making certain foods, especially challah bread."
Tony put down his fork. "Is that something special?"
She nodded. "It is made each Friday night for the Sabbath, a tradition in every Jewish home." Ziva smiled sadly. "I miss that."
"So make it," Tony suggested, wanting her to be happy.
Ziva smoothed her fingers over Chaya's hair. "Maybe I will."
They fell silent then as they ate and when Chaya was finished, Tony took her to do his part, leaving Ziva in quiet contemplation, playing with her Star of David necklace and wondering if it was finally time to return to the faith she had grown up with. She did not want to forget who she was.