Session 29: In Which Desmond Sees What's Coming
Carletta is drinking what appears to be an alcoholic beverage as she watches the room with disapproval. Charlie and Claire are playing tug of war with Aaron; Locke is arguing with Jack about the pros of trying to clone the island - don't ask - and Ben jumps out of his seat every time Ana or Kate glance his way.
Desmond: Am I drunk? Or does that title have my name in it?
*He points at the title and, in the process, accidentally hits Charlie in the face.*
Carletta: Don't you remember, Des? We clarified last session that you were going to be the centre of this week's session. Or were you too busy drinking yourself to death?
Desmond: I'd like to say it was the first option…but I'd be lying. *lowers head in shame*
Locke: *in disgust* Have we ever seen Desmond without a drink in his hand?
Jack: Have we ever seen you without your hunting knife?
Locke: Hmm…touché.
Charlotte: Who's Desmond? Did I even, like, meet him?
Miles: Briefly…for like a five second scene…I don't you think you ever interacted…
Charlotte: Oh…cool.
Carletta: *sighs* Ok, Desmond. Let's get this session started. These loonies do raise an interesting point. The drinking…
Desmond: Aye?
Carletta: Has it ever made you violent?
Desmond: IF I HAD A BOAT AND A GUN, I'D SHOOT YOU! Oh, wait…I don't have a gun…I have a boat though!
*Carletta pulls a bitchface but doesn't respond.*
Carletta: Okay… Has the drinking ever made you do something you'd never ordinarily do?
*Desmond is sitting on Hurley's lap, playing with his hair and looking lovingly into his eyes.*
Desmond: I - I love you…
Penny: The drinking stops the nightmares. But then he becomes a nightmare himself. Do you know how many bottles end up on the window sill by the end of the night?
Sawyer: Major. Joke. Opportunity. Must. Not. Screw. It. Up!
*He breaks into song and starts singing one million green bottles before Desmond, in a blind rage, speeds over and smashes a bottle over his head, resulting in the conman sliding to the floor unconscious.*
Desmond: My bottle! *sobs*
Carletta: I've seen people form attachments to weirder things… Penny, how do you cope when he's like this?
Penny: Well, I tuck him into bed and try and coax him into drinking water. Water, however, just makes him scream out Charlie's name and then he starts drinking some more… it's a vicious cycle.
Charlie: Aw, Des! I'm touched that my death has you all psychologically messed up! I'm so proud!
Desmond: Don't be…It's a long and dark road ahead. I wish I could just block out…everything. Why do you think I drink all the time? It helps me forget.
Carletta: Actually, statistically, alcohol usually brings up all the stuff you try and hide rather than repress it. Do you actually feel any better once you're in a state of drunken obliviousness?
Desmond: Ah….no.
Carletta: There you go. Drinking isn't the solution.
Christian: *outraged* It's the perfect solution! Why do you have a drink in your hand right now?
Carletta: It calms my nerves.
Jack: Dad…leave it!
Christian: *eyes bulging* Leave it? Leave it? Is that what you do when things get rough? You leave it? Yeah, because you're such an expert on letting go!
Carletta: Is this a therapy session or an AA meeting?
Desmond: Bthoth.
Carletta: I'm sorry…? What was that?
Penny: *sighing* When he's drunk, he needs subtitles. He meant to say 'both'.
Carletta: Ah… Right, well, now that we've established drinking is not the answer, does anybody have any FREAKIN' idea how this man can survive cataclysmic explosions?
Miles: Pfft. Easy. He's a God…like me.
Carletta: WHERE DOES THIS GOD IDEA COME FROM?
Locke: Yeah… Come to think of it how did a show which only had about two characters with religious beliefs end with everyone in a church?
Carletta: I have no idea… But it's a nice thought, isn't it? That we'll all meet up with the people we love again in some other life? It's not quite Heaven…not quite Purgatory but just simply…another life.
*The room absorbs that in silence. Kate and Jack exchange a quiet look. Charlie and Claire are still wrestling over Aaron…*
Miles: I have blue hair…
Charlotte: What the hell? When did you get that done?
Miles: Somewhere between sessions 20 and 25. I don't remember. No one pays much attention, and the show is finished, so, really, it's not like they can sue me, or fire me or something.
*In another room…*
Damon: Well…that settles it. Lost will NEVER have a season seven now. Everyone can just blame Miles for that.
Carlton: Yeah, and we were going to give him his own spin-off as well. Oh well!
*They proceed to tear up their scripts.*
*Back in the session…*
Miles: DAMN IT!
Kate: You're a God, Miles. Fix it yourself.
Miles: I'm a special TYPE of God, Kate. Get it right!
Kate: You mean, the kind of God who isn't really a God?
Miles: ….yeah.
Carletta: Idiot. Desmond…care to explain about how you can survive explosions and no one else can?
Ilana: I too would like to know! I have an irrational hatred of you right now..
Arzt: Me too! Although my opinion apparently doesn't matter so…
Desmond: I have NO idea. Maybe I've drunk myself to a state of invincibility? I'm a superhero? Er….I am God?
Charlie: Whaaaaat?
Jack: Bull. Shit.
Desmond: YOU try coming up with a plausible theory then!
Jack: I can't. I'm very busy…er…fixing things!
Desmond: Clearly.
Penny: I wished we saw how Desmond got back to me again. Assuming he did, of course.
Hurley: He did! I fixed things so that he did…Ben was most unhelpful though. He kept suggesting stupid stuff like a sand scooter!
Charlie: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I WANT ONE! I WANT ONE!
Claire: GIMME AARON!
Charlie: NO! HE'S MINE! YOU KEEP LOSING HIM!
Claire: *glares* You son of a -
Carletta: DESMOND! Did you, or did you not, get home alright?
Desmond: I got home just fine, sister. Me and Penny had another baby!
Everyone: Awwwwww!
Penny: *beaming* It was a girl! We called her Eleanor.
Carletta: Eleanor Hume…It has a lovely ring to it. But then again you two are just the epitome of loveliness, aren't you?
Miles: *glaring* Why did I never get any hot chick action? Naomi died and we like only had ONE scene together and it was a FLASHBACK! There's nothing I can do about a flashback!
Carletta: I have no clue! Now go yell in a corner and vent there! We are focusing on Desmond today!
*Miles mutters mutinously but goes to sit in the corner.*
Hurley: Er…I don't mean to alarm you guys…but Sawyer looks kind of white. Like not alive kind of white.
Carletta: So, Desmond, you're a pretty complex character. Let's talk about the visions of Charlie…
Charlie: Let's not…
Hurley: Or you guys can ignore me. That's cool too…
Desmond: Okay…I don't think everyone else here knows though. Apart from Claire and Hurley, that is.
Ben: What are we talking about here?
Ana: YEAH, BITCHES! What's the word?
Juliet: Just spill.
Carletta: Desmond had visions of Charlie dying and then he died. What else is there to say? Have you never gone back to watch the show?
Juliet: We've just been so busy…
Carletta: Doing what exactly? Actually, don't answer that. Just…make time, okay? Anyway, Desmond, why do you think you started getting these flashes?
Desmond: It goes back to me surviving that hatch explosion but, see, what I don't get is how John and Charlie survived it without anything happening to them?
Eko: Don't forget about me!
Ana: Where ya been, man?
*Eko stares at her with those deep, wide, unfathomable eyes which makes you forget… Er, what was I talking about?*
Eko: I escaped into the realms of another world. But no matter. I am back. Hello, Charlie.
Charlie: Er…hey. *waves uncertainly*
Kate: So, Desmond knew Charlie was going to die? Before it happened? And he let him die anyway even though he'd seen it happen?
Desmond: Yes, sister.
*There's a brief pause…*
Kate: Get him!
*Everyone forms a mob and starts to walk threateningly towards Desmond who looks nervous and tries to hide behind one of his bottles.*
Carletta: What are you guys doing?
Kate: He essentially killed one of us. We cannot let this pass.
Gandalf: HE SHALL NOT PAAAAAAASSSSS!
*Everyone blinks rapidly, processing this.*
Gandalf: Oops, thought there might've been a Balrog in here…Sorry… *spots Charlie* Merry…what are you doing here? You no longer look like a girl!
*The floor opens up and he disappears, Charlie looking vastly confused. Claire takes this moment to take Aaron back…*
Sawyer: That was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. And I mean that quite literally. What the hell's a Balrog anyway?
Everyone: *relieved*Sawyer!
Miles: *disappointed* You're alive… I was hoping to steal your spot as the lovable but rough character. DAMN!
Sawyer: Love you too, Miles. *groans and sits up* What happened to our brotherly relationship? Why is your hair blue?
Miles: If you must know, I was going for a Hades type of look. You know, the guy from that Disney film?
Carletta: Oh….we didn't get that.
Desmond: Who are you, brother? The janitor? I don't remember you…
Miles: GAH! The janitor? *looks huffy* If you need me, I'll be in the counselling session for the Vampire Diaries.
Boone: OOH! I'll join you!
*Boone and Miles - the unlikeliest team EVER - walk out of the room amidst a sea of confused faces. Carletta sighs, but lets them go.*
Carletta: Why am I always surprised when people go out this room to pursue pointless activities? Why?
Jack: Because you care. You might not think much of us, but you care.
Carletta: Thank you, Jack!*scowls* When I want my own head examining, I'll be sure to ask you for help!
Jack: Well there's no need to be hurtful!
Carletta: *eye twitches* You try running one of these sessions, Jack, and you tell me at the end that you don't feel like punching someone in the face.
Jack: I thought therapists had to have a lot of patience. You seem to have none!
*Five seconds later… Jack is facing the corner like a naughty boy.*
Carletta: *loudly* So, Desmond! What other theories do you have about your unusual habit of surviving explosions?
Desmond: I have no idea… I also have no clue as to why I'm the one who had the visions. I'd say I'm special but then I'd be like all of this ghastly lot here… *gestures* I have more dignity than that!
Penny: Aw, come on, Des! They're not…all…bad.
Charlie: Cheers for that, Penny.
Claire: Really feel great about myself now.
Juliet: I am so depressed now.
Ben: I thought we had something special!
Penny: *flatly* You raised a gun and threatened to shoot me. How is that something special?
*Ben thinks for a moment, which turns out to be twenty five minutes.*
Ben: I don't threaten to shoot just anybody.
Keamy: S'true.
Ben: GAH! YOUUUUU!
Keamy: Yeah, me. What of it?
Carletta: *raising an eyebrow* The ENTIRE cast of Lost is here, Ben. Did you not know that? I guess you wouldn't 'cause all you main Losties keep yelling and shouting and bitching all the time.
Frogurt: Yeah…we never get to talk and you never get any Neil time because of it.
Sawyer: And that's a bad thing because…?
Frogurt: Oh, you are just the worst type of person…
Desmond: WAIT! EVERYONE PAY ATTENTION TO ME!
Ana: Why? You got a rescue boat up your ass or something?
Desmond: NO! I just wanted to let you all know that this is MY session and you've hijacked it, as usual. *Pouts* I thought I was lovable.
Locke: You are, Desmond! Just…let's have less of the 'Box man', 'kay?"
Desmond: No. That is my endearing nickname I have for you. I will die before I call you by any other name.
*Locke pulls a WTF face but doesn't say anything.*
Carletta: Jeez, you two argue like an old married couple.
Locke: What you on about? We've had like ONE conversation during these past 28 sessions. And this was it! Fool!
Carletta: Hm…we've checked to see if your head can deflect flying objects. How about your face?
Locke: NO! I'LL BE GOOD! I'LL BE GOOD!
Desmond: I can survive explosions, so that threat doesn't work on - OW!
*Carletta throws her bag at him and it knocks him off his seat.*
Charlie: YOU CAN'T ABUSE THE PATIENT!
Eloise: THERE ARE RULES, YOU PSYCHOPATHIC THING!
Richard: *under his breath* Please stop the fighting, please stop the fighting…
Carletta: CALM the HELL down! *pants* I was aiming for Jack, if you must know.
*Instantly, the room relaxes, as though a major crisis has been solved.*
Eloise: That's alright then, dearie. To think, if you'd done that deliberately…Oh my, we'd have all been in trouble.
Daniel: Moooooom. Don't embarrass me.
Locke: It's her destiny to embarrass you. By that I mean, she's a mother. What do you expect?
Carletta: Eloise is an issue I want to tackle next session. *rubs hands together* We're gonna get some proper answers next session. Despite everything, I am a fan of the show.
Eloise: Oh, my…I don't think that's wise. My main job is to send people to where they need to be, right Desmond?
Desmond: YOU STAY AWAY!
*He starts to throw Haribo rings at her in a pathetic attempt at destroying her.*
Penny: I know you…
Eloise: Who doesn't know me? *smiles*
*Half the room raise their hands.*
Carletta: Riiiiiiighhht…Okay, any other questions for Desmond.
Jack: Can we get back to the issue of his visions? Why did he see Charlie die and where was I when all this shiz was going down?
Kate: Shiz? Oh NO! He's speaking in tongues! *panics and flails wildly*
Rousseau: He's sick…
Sawyer: *in a girly voice* Oh no! Jack is the devil in disguise! What shall we do? Let's do what we always do and talk and panic and fire guns randomly.
Sayid: Lol….that is what we do.
Rousseau: He's sick…
Desmond: Um, I have no idea, Jack! I guess because he's like the guy who nearly dies the most times. Seriously, Charlie, how many near death experiences have you had?
Charlie: Er, seven…
Desmond: That's not so bad…
Charlie: …thousand.
*Desmond's jaw falls to the floor.*
Rousseau: He's sick…
Desmond: I miss the guy a lot 'cause… *shifts nervously* we were like friends, you know? And I had to…watch, helplessly, I might add, as he…drowned. *bawls like a baby* OH NO! ALL MY PAIN IS RESURFACING! GIMME BOOZE!
*He spies a bottle by Carletta and lunges for it. Unfortunately, Hurley stands up at this very moment and Desmond flies into Hurley's stomach before being bounced back out.*
Carletta: We should wrap things up. Desmond, booze doesn't help, remember? And we're no closer to finding out why you can survive explosions and nobody else can…so… *kicks a random chair* This sucks.
*She turns and almost jumps as Rousseau stands there, her face barely inches away from hers so that their noses are pressing against each other.*
Rousseau: You're sick… And since no one will listen to me…I'm going to prove my sanity by shooting you all in cold blood.
Carletta: *faintly* I think we need to run…
*And, without warning, she bolts out of the room at lightning speed, thus concluding another unproductive session.*
A/n: Thanks for the reviews guys! You're all fantastic! Haven't really got a lot to say anymore since I know this story is winding down. *sadface* I really do appreciate how many of you take the time to review so thank you so much.
Next session: In Which Eloise Makes No Ounce of Sense (As Usual)