A/N: lol...this is starting to be a habit. Reviews for the un-signed in ones! :)
Sarah (Ch 84) - Thanks :) lol...the nametag seemed to be an Abby thing to do. And poor Jimmy is so awkward sometimes, I think it's fun that he won and they were happy for him. Ah yes, we will get a bit of insight into Matt's reaction to Abandoned, but later. That's possible, it might be Z's first time recognizing how much she needed therapy. I love G&C together, they make a great couple. I think Gibbs would be fine with grandsons too, but it's adorable to think of him spoiling little girls. Never heard of Dutch Blitz? Oh, then you are missing out! Lol. That game has been a staple in my house since forever, but I learned how to play when I was ten. It's fast paced and fun and is for four players. I teach it to all the friends I meet just to pass on the fun. Thanks for reviewing!
a from Jamaica (Ch 84) - I'm glad you're enjoying it. Lol...if you think a day is bad you should've seen the beginning, I used to only post twice a week! But I'm glad they're worth the wait. Thanks for reviewing!
Guest174 (Ch 85) - Hi! Thanks, that's sweet. Oh...I don't know about that. Lol...the plot bunnies might give me something to work with, but I'm not sure I know how to write T&Z now when the TV characters are so much different than how I've been writing them in this series. Thanks for the thought, but I probably won't. I'm likely going to take a break from writing FF when this series is over. Umm...Ziva was never on birth control in this story. Mandy gave her a prescription but she never filled them, figuring what's the point if she can't get pregnant anyways? Thanks for reviewing!
Sarah (Ch 85) - Thanks :) Yeah, I figured Tony would be even worse with the shots than Ziva was. I agree, I liked the role reversal after Tony's nightmare. That's true too. I'm always relieved when Tony has a bit of a blow-up because it shows he's not perfect and he's struggling with this too. But it's so much harder when there's no one to blame. I've never had challah bread, but it sounds nice. Are you Jewish? No worries about the account, it was just a thought. I forget that not every person on the planet has an email addy. Replies here work fine too :) Thanks for reviewing!
"Abby, Gibbs said you had something for us-oh," Ziva stopped. "Are we going to the evidence garage?"
Abby looked confused, then remembered her outfit. She laughed. "No, I'm just wearing these because nothing else fits." She made a face. At almost thirty-seven weeks she'd given up trying to find clothes that were comfortable.
Ziva smiled sympathetically. "I remember that feeling. Near the end I wore Tony's pyjamas a lot, but no one noticed because I was at home." She shrugged. "I found it very reassuring to be able to smell and feel him all around me."
The Goth's eyes lit up. "I hadn't thought about that." Abby chuckled. "It would probably drive Tim nuts if I started walking around like that." There was a glint in her eyes that suggested she might find it fun. "The things it does to guys to see us wearing their clothes..."
"I think it is such a movie thing for a woman to put on her husband's shirt the morning after," Ziva mused. "But someday I would like one of those moments."
Before Abby could get personal and ask how Ziva and Tony were doing with the whole intimacy thing, Sammy trotted over to sit at Ziva's feet and looked up, whining at her. She knelt down to ruffle his ears. "Why are you so sad little one?"
Abby crossed her arms. "He's feeling left out. No one's bringing his baby to visit anymore and he misses her."
Ziva glanced at her friend. "Not just him, hmm?"
"Guilty," Abby smiled. "How is my adorable niece?"
"I will let you see for yourself," Ziva decided, "and you too." She kissed Sammy's muzzle. "Chaya and I will come stay while she is nursing."
A grin took over Abby's face. "Good. And Girl's Night has been getting neglected lately, so we'll have to figure something out."
"I agree." Ziva stood. "We need to do more things as a family. The party was fun, but let us think of other things and make a list."
"I like the way you think." Then Abby and Ziva focused on her computer so Gibbs could have his results.
NCIS
Ziva came home from Ops that night and immediately went for a shower. Since they no longer had to be as careful with physical intimacy things, Tony didn't always feel the need to join her, so he kissed her quickly and let her go. It was almost time for Chaya to eat anyways, so he couldn't ask if she wanted to share, as much fun as that would be. Wandering over to the closet, Tony opened it, unable to remember what had gotten stored there beyond the game that were piled on a lower shelf. He was missing some old things from when he was a cop and wondered if they might've gotten put inside when the team was helping him unpack.
On the top shelf at the back, Tony came across a small cardboard box with no label. Curious, he got it out and took it to the couch. Chaya woke up from her nap and cried pitifully, as if they'd been starving her for hours. Tony chuckled and got her, reaching into the fridge for a bottle and running it under hot water. "Hey there princess, what's all this fuss for, huh? You know Mommy and Daddy always feed you." He returned to the couch and lay Chaya in his lap, teasing the nipple into her mouth. Recognizing food, Chaya started sucking in earnest, looking up at him with blue eyes he swore were getting darker every week.
"Want to see what Daddy found?" Tony asked, maneuvering the box flaps apart. "Of course you do." Looking inside, he found all the personal effects he'd cleaned out of his desk before they left for Africa, assuming he would not be coming back. "Wow, I haven't seen this stuff in awhile."
His blue Mighty Mouse stapler that would've gone to Abby if anything happened, the picture frames and some mementos off the wall behind his desk. A letter opener Ziva had once tossed at his head, missing him by an inch. A handful of pens people were always stealing, the key to the black box holding Gibbs' medals and commendations, some old magazines and finally, a pile of photographs. But it was those on top which made him drop everything else.
"Oh man." Tony let out a breath, adjusting the bottle for Chaya. "I thought these were lost."
There on the glossy paper Ziva looked up at him, hair held back by sunglasses, a book in one hand, her head propped up on the other, and her gorgeous body covered only by a modest black bikini. Tony just stared. "Mommy wasn't very happy with me for taking these munchkin, but I never could get rid of them." He shook his head. "The memories kept me going for four months on a ship without her and everyone else I cared about. They were all I had of her when I thought she wasn't coming back. These are very special pictures."
He was fascinated, flipping through them, memories of being in LA with Ziva flooding back into his mind as he thought how long ago that day felt and was amazed by how much they'd both changed since then. Tony was so engrossed in the photographs that he didn't hear his wife coming down the stairs. A towel was draped around her neck as she dried her hair and Ziva smiled to see Tony with their daughter. Then her eyes fell on what her husband was holding and she stopped dead, heat creeping into her cheeks and gaze locked on the pictures.
She didn't know pictures of Mossad Ziva still existed. When her apartment blew up, she lost everything. There were few pictures of her before Somalia besides the ones he held. Ziva wasn't ready to see them now, to be faced with the evidence of what she'd lost. Her body didn't look like that anymore, not even close, and her fragile self-esteem couldn't take the shock. Angry, agonized words, "How could you Tony?" ripped from her throat before Ziva spun around and disappeared through the basement door, slamming it shut behind her.
Tony hadn't even noticed Ziva standing there until her words tore through his focus in a tone of betrayal he'd hoped never to hear again. His first instinct was to leap to his feet and follow her, but Chaya wasn't finished her bottle and he couldn't just leave. Faint pounding could be heard through the door and Tony began to panic, still not sure what he'd done wrong. Then he registered the pictures still in his hand and understood a little bit. Stroking his daughter's cheek, Tony tried to stay calm for her sake. When she finished the bottle, he took Chaya upstairs and got her ready for bed, then spent precious moments rocking her until her eyelids grew heavy and he could lay her down.
Gathering what he had for courage, Tony closed the door and took a breath, preparing himself to confront his wife. He clattered down the carpeted basement steps and saw Ziva in the corner, beating the stuffing out of the punching bag. Her hair was in her face, sweat began to form on her brow - that she had just had a shower was of no concern in this moment. Her expression was pinched and she was crying, but Tony couldn't tell yet if they were sad or angry tears.
Ziva spun around when she heard him, a dark emptiness in her eyes that took him back to their rooftop encounter in Israel. Then it happened again and before Tony could register her movements, Ziva took him to the ground and he landed on the mats with a grunt. He lay there for a minute, shocked and trying to catch his breath while his wife leaned over him, glaring sharply. There were no injuries this time, though he resolved to tread carefully lest she suddenly revert to violence. The only thing clear in Tony's mind was that he had no intention of letting her walk away this time. Without warning he leaned up and kissed her. Outraged that he dare take liberties at a time like this, Ziva placed both hands on her husband's chest and pushed him away. Swallowing the hurt, Tony slowly got up and Ziva faced him like a caged lion.
"Do not touch me." She spat the words out like venom.
"This time I have a right to hold onto you Ziva," Tony countered, still trying to work out his approach.
Her gaze smouldered. "Now you are going to demand your rights? Now when it is convenient for you?"
He froze, clenching his fasts. "That's not fair. I forfeited all my rights before because that was what you needed."
"What I needed?" Her voice rose. "This is about what I needed? You lied!" Ziva accused him. "How could you still have those pictures Tony?"
Tony's eyebrows jumped up and frustration began to colour his words. "I didn't lie to you Ziva. I completely forgot about them. I only just found them now, and I didn't get them out to hurt you."
His wife paced back and forth, managing to look incredibly hot when she was somewhere between distraught and livid. "All those months before you said a word about loving me, every day you pretended with me. You lied!" Ziva was confident in being right.
Tony gritted his teeth, knowing that she needed to fight right now, that the emotions coursing through her gave her no other outlet but to take everything out on him. "I did not lie to you," he repeated.
"Prove it!" she screamed, panting and so worked up she didn't know what to do.
It was one of the first times their disagreements had led to yelling since Israel and Tony did not like the way it felt. Deliberately he relaxed his stance, determined to fix or finish this, whatever came first. "What's going on in your head Zi?" he asked softly. He needed to know where her thoughts were, what was making her so upset.
Shutters fell across her eyes as the fire in Ziva was snuffed out like a candle. For the first time in months she shut him out of her heart. "I knew you would always want what I was before," she said finally, not looking at him as her shoulders sagged in defeat.
Tony jammed his fingers through his hair. "Why can't you understand? I like you better this way! I love the scars because they show your strength. I'm so proud of you for owning them, for not being ashamed." He inched towards her. "When you started changing the way you dressed and stopped hiding the marks, I was so pleased for the progress you'd made." Her expression refused to believe him, but her eyes begged him to be telling the truth. Tony took a step closer. "All I see when I look at you Zi, is my beautiful wife and the mother of my daughter. I love the change in your body because it reminds me that you carried and gave life to our baby when you could've given up." He swallowed hard and brushed a piece of hair out of her face. "I don't even see the scars anymore sweetheart, I just see you."
This time Ziva moved first and Tony framed her face with his hands as her lips sought his fervently. Again and again they kissed and even with their bodies pressed together, they still couldn't get close enough. "I am sorry," Ziva managed as she took a breath, and the next moment his lips swallowed hers until they broke apart, panting, their hearts keeping a frantic pace.
"I love you Ziva," he whispered, sliding his hands all over her, wanting to touch as much of her as he could. "On our ten year anniversary I'm going to take you someplace warm so I can see you in a bikini again. By then the scars will only be shadows of memories Zi and they won't be able to hurt you any more."
Words were not enough to reassure her this time and even if their bed was more comfortable, it would take too long to get upstairs. Ziva lay down first on the mats, pulling him on top of her, and the moment went from frenzied and desperate to passionate and loving. He took her there in the basement with the same cautious gentleness that had worked before. The sounds Ziva tried so hard to keep quiet could not be heard through the soundproofing and Tony relished the ability to use making love as a way to comfort his wife, to prove his love and his words.
They lay there as long as they could, holding onto the connection and closeness, sharing soft kisses and whispering sweet somethings against hair and skin. Finally Ziva sat up and they put themselves back together. They didn't talk about it any more, but he stayed near her all night, never further away than arm's reach, his touch saying everything his words could not remember how. Tony held her tightly when they got into bed, feeling an ache at even the thought of losing her, and didn't let go of her all night. Ziva fell asleep feeling protected and infinitely loved, despite or maybe because of how her husband had handled their earlier situation. As she snuggled against his chest, Ziva decided that this kind of comfort was worth the fight.
NCIS
Tony woke up when Ziva got out of bed and sat there with his knees up and his head in his hands until the water turned on. Then he let himself into the bathroom, and took her towels downstairs to the dryer, needing to do something to help in this moment. She probably wouldn't be long in the shower, but he still wished Ziva didn't feel the need to shower at all after being with him.
Sighing, he grabbed the warm bundle in his arms and returned to the bathroom, handing the towels to her when she reached for where they had been. Ziva hesitated when she realized she wasn't alone, but took the offering and left the curtain closed while she dried off. Tony averted his eyes when she got out even though she was covered, but as soon as Ziva was in pyjamas again, he held out his arms - waiting, hoping she'd remember their deal.
Taking a deep breath, Ziva steeled herself against the remnants of Somalia that still clung to her subconscious and pressed in close to Tony's body, sliding her arms around his waist and tucking her head under his chin. Tony sagged in relief and tightened his hold on her, brushing a kiss over the top of her head. They stayed that way without moving or talking, Tony's hand traveling a slow path up and down her back, whispering reassurances in English and the Hebrew he was still learning.
Finally the tension had completely left her and Ziva looked up to meet his care filled eyes. She lifted her hand to his cheek. "I am sorry to put you through this."
He cradled her face in his hands, touching his lips lightly to hers. "You don't do it on purpose."
"No," she sighed, "neither can I stop the nightmares and memories from coming." Ziva swallowed. "I do not know what I would do if you were not here."
"I wouldn't've given up Zi," he said firmly, finally having an answer to the question she'd asked him weeks ago, "you mean too much to me."
Ziva traced his face gently. "It is good not to be alone. I love you."
"I love you too." He wasn't quite ready to let her go yet and Tony wasn't brave enough to ask whether she'd felt pleasure this time or not. He didn't think he could take hearing a negative answer again.
Ziva drew random patters on his chest over the t-shirt he'd pulled on. "It has mostly been comfort sex," she commented.
Tony tried to hide the apprehension in his voice. "Do you find it comforting?"
She wished sometimes that his heart wasn't always so exposed. She wanted to validate him, but lying about something so important to both of them would be wrong. Tony would know anyways, and that would only hurt him more. He wasn't sure what to make of her silence, but he'd learned that words could be worse. Finally he sighed heavily. "Zi, you don't have to pretend it's okay if it's not."
Her eyes met his and Tony couldn't even begin to decipher everything they were telling him. "I am getting used to having sex again," she shared in a quiet voice. "And when my focus is on you, I do not think as much." Ziva laid her hand over his heart. "I wish I could give you a different answer. I am afraid if things do not change soon, you will feel like this is not worth the effort and all the time you waited."
"Not gonna happen," Tony forced the words out. "We both knew none of this would be easy, but I have to believe that a breakthrough is coming. I'm holding out for that. Ziva," he stared at her seriously. "I won't give up on you, or this, or us. You have my word."
She met his mouth with a long kiss, desperately wishing for a way to convey everything in her heart. But it was all still too much and for now this was all she could do. Tony deserved more, so much more, and one day Ziva was determined to give it to him. One day when the nightmares stayed away.