The vast majority of the car ride to Andre's has been wiped from my memory, heavy sobs had continually racked through my body; I'm sure Dani had been muttering words of comfort, but they didn't even penetrate me. Pulling up at Andre's he had unexpectedly been waiting outside; I suppose it is possible that Dani had contacted him to alert him of the situation, but I hadn't noticed. His arms wrapped tightly around me pulling me into a hug as I climbed out of the car. But I felt nothing, all senses and emotions seemed to be missing, I was numb.
Their conversations were way over my head; in fact had they not repeatedly addressed me I would not have been remotely aware of their presence. Visions of Jade with Beck consumed my thoughts. What were they doing? How could she have seen fit to talk to him rather than me? I love her so much; no area of my life will ever be off limits to her; I had thought, hoped that this feeling was mutual. I was there; right there, but she pushed me away, made it clear that she didn't want to talk about it. Although as it goes I suppose that she did want to talk about it. She just didn't want to talk to me.
My phone; clutched tightly in my hands, lit up for at least the sixth time in the last seven minutes, and through my tear blurred eyes Jade's face; her flawless face was clearly visible on the screen. As it had all the other times the call cut off with me having not moved to answer it. What was left to say? Surely she has already made her choice.
"Fuck you" I hear the venom laced words drip from my mouth once again.
"Maybe you should answer?" Andre voiced as a question, but was cut short by the glance I shot him.
What purpose would answering serve? More feeble excuses would tumble to my ears from her seductive voice. I cannot hold a grudge; I am weak like that, but right now I don't want to forgive. I need to keep hold of this hate that has taken up camp in my chest, because if I don't then all that will be left is the hurt, the hurt which feels strong enough as it is. I cannot let it intensify. If I was to talk to her right now then my walls would come down, love would blind sight me; and in a desperate battle love and hurt would overwhelm me. As my thoughts swirled I had barely noticed that my phone had sounded another nine times, and when I looked down her face was once again present.
"Make it stop" I begged, not directed at anyone in particular, in any case Dani and Andre's presence had long been forgotten.
"Give me your phone Tor, she isn't going to stop until she at least knows that you are safe" Dani smiles down at me; despite myself I feel a slight smile cross my own face upon remembering that I am not alone here then immediately hate myself for being so easily emotionally swayed. "Just give me the phone Hun; I will talk to her. I'll make her stop calling." Sighing I handed over my phone and watched her leave the room.
Andre moved next to me at this point, his arms pulling me into him.
"Chin up Muchacha, if she didn't care then she wouldn't keep phoning. Its shit; it really is. But this is Jade we are talking about; she is her own worst enemy."
Jade, the girl I love; I guess it's true; by never going about things normally she often screws herself over. She has more flaws that one could count. But love itself is a curious concept; it gives so much power to an individual; so much power that it is both terrifying and thrilling. Once you have found it, it becomes as essential to your everyday life as food, water and air. To lose it or be without it in anyway would be so painfully torturous, sure I feel hurt right now but I still have a tight grip on that raw emotional bond. I am still clinging to the unremitting devotion, because when it comes down to it surely it can never have been love at all if you are able to just let it go? Love is senseless, relentless, but above all it is unconditional. And I suppose that the most prominent fact remains that I do love Jade unconditionally; not despite her flaws, but because of them. They make her human, and in turn they make us real.
All this considered I ask myself why it is that I am not ready to forgive? With hurt and love hanging in the balance surely love would win it out? The only emotion seemingly able to match love is hate; and I could never truly hate her. Mere hurt could surely not overcome me when love is shining through. Maybe the sad fact of it is that I just don't want to be weak anymore, I do not want to forever remain a slave to my emotions, to the way I feel about her. None the less I find myself regretting allowing Dani to take the call. And as she returns to the room frustration floods through me; our relationship had failed, close as we may remain it is clear that we do not work, our views were never the same; and though in some respects she knows me better than I know myself, there are others which cause me to question if she ever truly knew me at all. Could it in any way have been wise to allow her to talk to Jade, and can I really believe that she would not have interfered?
My answer to this question was delivered not twenty minutes later. Jade is on the doorstep. Jade is holding flowers; lily's, my favourite, a fact which I was yet to divulge to her. Jade looks more broken that I have ever seen her. As the others vacated the room Jade dropped to her knees in front of me, a look in her eyes that I have never seen before, her sparkle is gone. And as the pleads began to fall from her mouth I have to question who this creature before me is. This isn't the girl I love. What the hell did Dani say to her?