Session 30: In Which Eloise Makes No Ounce of Sense
(As usual)
Jack: This is the shiz. We iz getting down to some serious [censored word] here.
Carletta: *impatiently* Jack… what did I tell you about interrupting the flow of these sessions? First things first, we have an overall look at what you maniacs are up to, then someone makes a snarky comment, and THEN the session begins. *shakes head* Honestly…
Eloise: Such loutish behaviour. I find it rather vulgar and shallow.
Sawyer: OOH-HOO-HOO-OOOH! Looks like someone's stepped into the wrong side of the pond… *frowns* That sounded much cleverer and made more sense inside my head.
Locke: James… nothing on this show makes sense. I don't make sense. Don't be surprised when complete and utter gibberish leaves your mouth. *grins* Happens to all of us eventually.
Carletta: Locke! What did I tell you about scaremongering?
Locke: Um…. Do it? I don't know! You say a lot of things…. *flails and panics* I don't REMEMBER! I'm losing my mind.
*Startled, he takes a running jump and flies out of the window of the cabin. There's an awkward pause, before everyone resumes their mindless chatter and utter, utter rubbish.*
Carletta: So… Eloise. Let's start from the beginning. Your childhood… Was it a happy one?
Eloise: Yes. I was brought up in a dignified and respectable manner.
Carletta: So… you were never told by your mother that it was her destiny to do something different than what she wanted to do? You never had a controlling bitch for a parent, whilst the other parent went off and had a whole other life and helped conceive one half of the greatest couple ever to hit our screens?
Eloise: …. No.
Charlie: BORING!
Miles: Hear, hear… Let's see how many Oreos we can stuff in our mouths! *proceeds to stick a bunch of Oreos down his throat until he chokes and falls off his seat.*
Jack: I'm not saving him. He got himself into that mess, he can get himself out.
Kate: I don't think he can, Jack…
Jack: *in Kate's face* HE CAN GET HIMSELF OUT! Don't undermine me woman! I'll just bitch slap you.
Kate: What the fluff?
Sawyer: *heavily sarcastic* Aw…trouble in paradise?
Carletta: We finally have an interesting character to interrogate and you guys are still running riot! We can get answers people! Don't you want answers?
*Everybody rises to their feet, immediately disputing Carletta's claim that they are uninteresting. She rolls her eyes and sits back, watching with disinterest as they bicker amongst themselves, arguing about which of them is the more interesting.*
Carletta: It's like natural selection but for morons. *sighs* People who think they have difficult jobs obviously haven't dealt with this lot before.
Miles: Hey! We may be fighting amongst ourselves in yet another irrelevant subject matter but we are not deaf!
Carletta: Back to you, Eloise… The rest of you… SIT DOWN AND STOP YELLING!
Jack: But you're yelling…
Carletta: I CAN HEAR MYSELF, JACK! I CAN DETERMINE THE VOLUME OF MY OWN VOICE FOR MYSELF THANK YOU VERY MUCH!*Jack's face seems to shrink inwards as he cowers. Beside him, Sawyer is in hysterics, until Juliet hits him.*
Sawyer: I'M GETTING ABUSED OVER HERE! CALL CHILDLINE!
Miles: You're not a child, though, boss…
Sawyer: CALL THE RSPCA!
Miles: That's for animals.
Sawyer: CALL SOMEONE! STOP BEING A USELESS BLOB OF PLASTICINE FOR ONCE AND CALL SOMEONE!
Miles: I know! I'll call the pizza man.
Sawyer: WHAT GOOD IS THAT GOING TO DO?
Miles: If I'm going to watch you getting battered by a girl, I'm going to need something to eat. I haven't had anything since breakfast.
*Sawyer glares wordlessly at Miles but doesn't say anything.*
Eloise: This session is utterly pointless. It has already happened. So, why not focus on a less important character?
Jack: Why did you look at me when you said that? *visibly panics*
Carletta: *determinedly* Eloise, can you not be cryptic for like five seconds of your freakin' life? Give me a bit of honesty. Tell me something none of us know. Make us understand you. How did you know all that crazy stuff you told Desmond?
Eloise: *sighing* As you know, I was born and raised on that island. I've lived there my entire life. The only man I ever loved was Charles Widmore.
*Ben, who'd been drinking at that point, accidentally sprays Richard with juice.*
Ben: WHAT? You mean someone… loved that thing? *gestures to Charles* Really? Oh my days… This is an even bigger surprise than when I learned Richard wore eyeliner.
Richard: Not this again! Haven't we put that ridiculous rumour to bed yet?
Carletta: Ignore the buffoons. Keep talking.
Eloise: Fine. I fell pregnant with Daniel and had to leave. We had no idea the ramifications of giving birth on the island, especially whilst the Dharma folk were doing their experiments.
Daniel: And a FINE job you did of raising me. You know, I still have no idea how you managed to incorporate destiny into all of my lessons. Science, I get. Religion, understandable. I even understand how you managed to incorporate it into math. But how you managed to incorporate it into English, I'll never know.
Eloise: I had to make sure you followed the exact path you needed to follow.
Daniel: Which resulted in me dying. Cheers, Mom. Remind me not to bother getting you any more birthday presents.
Carletta: Yes, why did you send Daniel to the island when you 'knew' what would happen to him? You could've changed fate.
Eloise: *tearfully* Nobody understands. Daniel was deteriorating off the island. Something happened to him that meant his memory was hazy. He would forget things soon after they'd happened. Whether I sent him to the island or not, I would've lost him. Sending him there would buy him a little more time to be alive.
*Daniel stares at his mother, shocked. Miles and Sawyer share a one armed hug. Carletta reaches for the box of tissues…only to find Jack has hogged the box - as usual.*
Ben: *grudgingly* Okay… She regains a bit of respect for that beauty of a speech. *turns away so no one sees him crying*
Carletta: Now that's what I call a therapeutic breakthrough! Wonderful stuff. Now, Eloise, can you please tell us how you know the things you know?
Eloise: It's complicated… It would take a long time to explain the quantum mechanics of it all… Oh, don't go to sleep just because this is the technical stuff! *she throws her shoe in Sawyer's direction.*
Sawyer: People have got to stop throwing stuff at me! It makes me angry and you don't want to see me when I'm angry!
Jack: What a clichéd and oddly inappropriate line to come out with.
Carletta: Er… have you not seen the sessions we've endured? Isn't that what we generally do - spout clichéd and inappropriate lines?
Eloise: Um, hello? Did you, or did you not, want to learn about the quantum mechanics of time and space?
Carletta: Maybe that was a little too much to ask. I doubt many of this lot have the intellectual capacity to handle it. We'll just accept the fact you're an enigma within an enigma and move on… Your relationship with Charles… what was that like?
Ana: Men suck!
Carletta: Your miniscule amount of input is appreciated, Ana.
Ana: YEEEEEEEEEEEAH!
Charlie: *to Ana* Yeah, I don't know you.
Ana: So, what, staring at my ass was, what, a misunderstanding? Were you looking for the other half of your nonexistent brain?
Charlie: I wrote a song for you, Ana. Here it goes.
In my life, so far
I've encountered a few bananas
But none as dumb and obnoxious
As the one and only Ana
Ana: Nice… You combined the skills of sucking and being a total loser all into one. *applauds sarcastically*
Carletta: What happened to you two?
Ana: We grew apart due to artistic differences. It's just one of those things.
Eloise: *coughing impatiently* To answer your question, Carletta, Charles was rather sweet when we met. He was still stubborn and quite frightening when he lost his temper but he was kind and generous. At least when I knew him he was. Apparently that's not a shared opinion.
Ben: Too right! It's because of him Alex was murdered.
Alex: And yours, Dad. Remember?
Ben: Yes, yes, yes… Whatever! The point is he's a nasty piece of work and I hope he has a piano dropped on him.
*Carletta looks nonplussed; Jack tries his hand at thinking and gets nowhere.*
Carletta: I'll bite. Why do you want that particular fate to happen to him?
Ben: I want him to die, but I'd like some dramatic music in the background. I figure you can't get much more dramatic than the sound of all the keys on a piano being crushed to a pulp on the skull of an insane man.
Carletta: Right…. *still looks nonplussed*
Juliet: May I ask, Eloise, if all our fates were pre-determined? Was my … death necessary?
Eloise: Ah, that's the big million dollar question. There's a certain element of fate involved - you all being on the island definitely being part of that - but the choices you made, the people you bonded with was all down to you. Falling in love isn't necessary something fate plays a hand in.
Boone: What about MY death? I was clearly meant to stay alive but there was a lot of misunderstanding with the producers… They put BOONE DIES instead of BOONE LIVES. Easy mistake to make…
Sayid: It wasn't a mistake.
Boone: Oh, shut up, you - you wolf in a torturer's clothing!
*Sayid looks confused; Charlie and Sawyer snicker immaturely.*
Charles: Oh, Eloise… We had a beautiful future together. We were in love.
Eloise: Yes but judging by the number of pointless and repetitive sessions we've sat through, you can see the premature disintegration of love isn't an uncommon theme!
Charles: Some people have theorised the show was all about love. How can that be when no couple - if you ignored the final scene - had a happy ending? Really, who got off the island and managed to reunite with their loved one?
Desmond: Um…. Me?
Charles: DAMN IT! I ask the producers specifically to keep you apart and they didn't deliver! *looks thoroughly annoyed*
Desmond: What is your problem with me, Charles? I'd really like to know.
Charles: I think it's just the fact you're younger, handsomer, wittier than me, Desmond. Nah, just kidding - I don't really know. I just never thought you were good enough for Penny.
*Sitting beside Desmond, Penny rolls her eyes and pulls a face, prompting Eloise to hide a small smile.*
Carletta: Charles actually raises a good point for once… I mean, apart from Desmond and Penny, no one else got their happy ending with their loved one. Sun and Jin died. Charlie died. Jack died. *She steadily gets more depressed* Juliet died. Shannon and Sayid died. Alex and Karl died. Libby died.
Hurley: Dudes, cheer up, we all managed to reunite in the end.
*No one looks comforted by this.*
Libby: Wow… this really sucks. I've never left a session feeling this depressed before.
Eloise: I'm so sorry… Charles has that effect on people. He just tends to ask horrible questions that makes everyone want to commit suicide.
Carletta: Is it because he's bitter about you guys and how your story ended?
Eloise: No, he's just that sort of person.
Carletta: *shuddering* Well, let's not get depressed. Come on, someone do something stupid and moronic to cheer us all up… *no one responds* Oh, so when I ask you to do it, you don't do it, but when I ask you to behave, you all go wild? I will never understand you lot.
*Juliet throttles Kate out of a momentary fit of madness, resulting in a cat fight. Everyone quickly gathers around, with a wild look emerging in Sawyer's eyes.*
Libby: Should we stop them?
Sawyer: Are you kidding? Let's throw some jell-o on them!
Jack: KICK HER, JULIET! PUNCH HER! SHOW HER WHO'S BOSS!
Kate: *emerging* WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON? HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN WHO YOU END UP WITH, BUDDY?
Jack: Ah… well I have a frosty eternity ahead of me.
Carletta: *rolling her eyes* When I meant doing something stupid and moronic, I meant something less savage and primitive. Honestly, do you not have any creative outlets you can vent your stupidity out into?
Charlie: I play guitar?
Claire: I alternate between playing lengthy games of hide-and-seek with my son and then devolving into a crazy woman who hunts and kills Others.
Sawyer: And I take my top off at any given moment.
Carletta: Okay, then. You all are insane. I officially declare it.
Eloise: Any more questions? I'm actually liking therapy.
Sawyer: Lady, you're weird.
Eloise: Manners don't cost a penny young man. And in about thirty seconds, you're going to get a nasty surprise.
Sawyer: *frowning* What the - ? *gets a custard pie in the fact* WHAT THE HELL? MILESSSS!
Ana: Ha! It was me! That was for not calling me back!
Charlie: I wrote a new song! Anyone wanna hear it?
In the jungle, the mighty jungle,
The survivors go insane tonight.
In the jungle, the mighty jungle,
Juliet and Kate are having a fight
Ana: You stole a song and made it your own. You're going to get sued to death. But I'm mildly impressed.
Charlie: Does this mean…?
Ana: Yep. Our band - Purple Bananas and Loopy Fruit Delights - is back together!
Carletta: What is your obsession with inserting fruits into the title?
Ana: WE WANT TO MAKE SURE PEOPLE GET THEIR FIVE A DAY! YOU GOT A PROBLEM?
Carletta: No…. definitely not. I actually would like to know, Eloise, what your relationship with Ben was about? It was quite intriguing, and something we never really learned about.
Eloise: It was strictly professional. You can't get involved with the island without knowing a few tricks. Ben found me through Richard, and was actually the one who told me about Charles'…other family.
Charles: God damn it, Eloise. I wanted to see the boy, you know I did, but you became a recluse and damn near impossible to track. I had to wait until the boy was in his twenties until I found him again.
Daniel: Er… 'the boy' has a name you know.
Eloise: I made my bed, Charles. *looks sad* You've been preaching to me for years about destiny and fate, I'm surprised you didn't see our separation coming.
Daniel: This guy's my father? Seriously? Why can't I have normal parents?
Sawyer: HEY! We all share that wish, Hosse but - TAKE HER TOP OFF, JULIET! - we just gotta get on with it. Oh, this fight is HOT!
Juliet: Shut it, James!
Sawyer: Yes, Blondie….
Carletta: We've sort of made a breakthrough today…ish.
Jack: Yeah…and my middle name is Muriel.
Carletta: I wouldn't be at all surprised if that was even close to being true, Jack. *sighs* Well, Eloise will always be a mystery. And you guys will…not. Why is it that I always come away from these sessions feeling like I've gained less knowledge than I had at the beginning?
Charlie: We send you insane and it wipes your memory?
*Carletta flashes him a dirty look but otherwise doesn't respond.*
Juliet: Me and Kate are done fighting now…
Carletta: I just don't care. Ah… are we done? I might retire to the drawing room to relax.
Boone: The what?
Carletta: The drawing room.
Boone: I don't think I've been there…Do you mean we have an entire room just for drawing in?
Jack: Seriously…this place has a drawing room?
Carletta: Shoot me, shoot me now…. THAT WASN'T A SUGGESTION MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, ROUSSEAU! *panics*
Rousseau: What is the point of having a gun if I never use it?
*Throwing it down, she storms out, thus ending a very confusing and slightly productive session.*
A/n: Thank you guys for reviewing! Your reactions to this fic winding down have been wonderful. I think I may actually cry when this ends lol :P For now, know I appreciate each and every review and I am sending virtual hugs your way. Let's bring this fic to 200 reviews! WE CAN DO IT PEOPLE!
Next session: In Which Parents Officially Suck.