Session 31: In Which Parents Officially Suck
Carletta: I'd just like to state for the official record that Jack was the one behind this session. Something about daddy issues or whatever… *shrugs* I don't know about you but I haven't heard him mention anything about daddy issues before…
Jack: *narrowing his eyes* I don't care for your tone…
*Sawyer and Miles are hovering around a nearby television they've managed to locate from somewhere. They've found some channels and are currently on ABC, the current show being 'Lost'. Being the lovable idiots that they are, they don't register their own show…*
Sawyer: I hate this channel. *switches over*
*Carletta looks gobsmacked. Charlie snickers, whilst even Desmond's face contains a mixture of horror and bemusement.*
Ben: Are his parents brother and sister or something?
Carletta: *patiently* Sawyer… You do realize you've just insulted the channel which is the home of your show, right? I mean, please tell me there's an ounce of intelligence underneath that gorgeous set of locks. Is there?
Charlie: Is that a trick question?
*Miles looks strangely impressed. Sawyer glares menacingly in Charlie's direction, who immediately hides behind Claire.*
Carletta: Well, I suppose we better get started with this session which, oddly enough, makes me nostalgic for the earlier sessions.
Claire: What, when we were even crazier than we are now?
Carletta: Considering you're a parent, Claire, and can safely be slotted in this category, I'd suggest you watch your tone. You left your son in the middle of the jungle! That hardly earns you Mum of the Year mug.
Kate: Mom.
Carletta: *blinking* Er… what?
Kate: It's Mom not Mum… Are you British?
*Carletta looks stumped by the question. Charlie edges closer, eager to hear the answer.*
Carletta: Maybe. But I don't feel like it's any of your business where I'm from.
Kate: Well, there's no need to be huffy. *looks huffy*
Carletta: *shrugs* I know my past is a mystery to you guys but I like it like that.
Sawyer: That's not fair! You know everything about us! Why can't we learn something about you?
Carletta: Because I make the rules…. Yes, Jacob. I am aware of the irony before you even say anything.
Jacob: DAMN! I like irony as well…
Carletta: So…. Parents. Raise your hands if you have a child.
*Charles, Eloise, Christian, Michael, Pierre Chang, Claire, Penny, Desmond and Sun and Jin all raise their hands. Charlie and Kate alternate between lowering and raising their hands.*
Carletta: *sighing impatiently* Okay, it counts if you've raised a child for a while.
*Kate pokes her tongue out at Charlie and raises her hand. Charlie looks even more confused and settles on leaving his hand halfway in the air.*
Christian: I've raised two.
Carletta: …. Thank you for that. I kind of already knew that. *thinks* Actually, if we're being technical, you fathered two, yet raised one. You weren't really a part of Claire's life were you?
Christian: Well…. No. I tried to be.
Carletta: And Claire… would you say it's a fair assumption to make that you followed your father because of some deep, concealed desire to forge a connection, a connection you may have subconsciously missed?
Claire: …. NOOOOOOOOO!
Carletta: *without missing a beat* Fair enough.
Locke: I would've loved to have a son. I think I would've looked good with a child.
*Michael bites back a sarcastic response, accidentally biting his tongue in the process. He tries to call for Walt but cannot, much to the joy of everyone else.*
Jack: Yeah… and Sawyer is a secret father.
Sawyer: *smirking* Well….
Jack: OH DEAR GOD, NO! THERE'S A MINIATURE SAWYER SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD! ARGHHHHHHHH!
*He proceeds to run and crash through the wall of the cabin.*
Sawyer: I s'pose I should've mentioned the fact I have alittle girl. Might've put his mind at rest…
Carletta: This session was his idea! He even came up with the title. *sigh* That man is about a reliable a person as the writers are when it comes to solving every loose end this show has.
Hurley: Hey! He's a good man… He was the first person to speak to me after the crash and we kinda stuck.
Sawyer: Only 'cause you needed him in case all the food ran out and you had to resort to cannibalism.
*He snickers at his own joke, until Hurley flips his chair upside down and he ends up crashing through the floor, emerging minutes afterwards with a piece of wood through his head.*
Sawyer: *panicking* OH GOD! DO I TAKE IT OUT, OR DO I LEAVE IT IN? DO I TAKE IT OUT OR DO I LEAVE IT IN? My beautiful face…. *faints*
Carletta: *rolling her eyes* Someone help him otherwise he's going to be insufferable for the next god-knows how many sessions.
Richard: I'm confused…. Isn't that what he's like anyway?
Ben: BOOM!
Ilana: ARGH! IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!
*She runs and jumps out of the Jack-shaped hole in the wall of the cabin.*
Penny: I think parenting is the greatest adventure anyone can embark on.
Ben: Oh, God. You're just nauseatingly sweet aren't you? Time for me to make a Ben-shaped hole in the cabin.
*He runs at the wall, intending to break through it, but just knocks himself out, proving he really does fail at everything.*
Penny: What a [censored word].
*The entire cabin explodes with delight. Penny looks confused, until Desmond explains that they're cheering at her swearing.*
Penny: Huh… so you all get your ya-yas from hearing good girls swear and make a complete twit of themselves?
Miles: Yes and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself but they cost a little less.
Carletta: Why is it that the general consensus here is that parents suck? Surely someone here must have had a great relationship with both parents?
Claire: Aaron could technically count, but he's too young to have a say in anything.
Charlie: Does that mean…?
Hurley: Dude! Don't be thick! We all know you're the closest that baby dude has to a father. And don't well up… don't be a Jack.
*Jack slides back in*
Jack: *sarcastically* Nice to know there's finally a name for the condition of crying.
*He promptly slides back out*
Eloise: Can I just step in and say that parenting is harder than it looks. When you have children, you will understand.
Daniel: Bit hard to do that, mom, when we're all dead.
Carletta: *extremely half-heartedly* What about purgatory?
Miles: Purgatory babies… Swell.
Charles: Are we really being ganged up here?
Eloise: Seems so, Charles. It appears we are being targeted because of our mistakes.
Kate: *stroking an imaginary beard, trying to appear wise* Indeed.
Claire: Why are you joining in this discussion, Kate? You didn't go through labour! You stole him and raised him for three years!
Kate: And? Still made a hell of a mom.
*Claire goes to lunge at Kate but is held back by Charlie and Michael. Kate looks confused and a bit hurt.*
Carletta: You can't blame Kate for your mistake, Claire. Whether you liked it or not, she took your son and gave him a better life. And even when she didn't want to, she came back to get you so that you could raise him.
Claire: *sniffs* I know… but I just want those three years back.
Carletta: Now you can. You have both your baby back and the man you love.
Miles: Me. *smirks*
Charlie: In your dreams, punk!
Miles: HEY! That was a phase, okay? Don't judge me, man!
Carletta: *sinks into chair* When will I stop being surprised by people's revelations?
Jacob: *smugly* Looks like Mrs I-Make-Up-The-Rules is having a meltdown.
Carletta: Hey. I can toss your ass out of here in two seconds flat, immortal or not.
Man In Black: Technically, he's a dead immortal now. *Snickers* Oh the irony!
Jacob: I'll be good.
Carletta: From what I can decipher from your whinging, the main problem between parents and children seem to falls down to personalities clashing. If Jack were here, I would inform him he and his dad were too similar, yet the lack of acknowledgement meant the differences between them stood out too much.
Christian: Makes sense. Jack is stubborn. I'm… not.
Carletta: You've inadvertently proven my point, Christian. Hell, you're so stubborn you can't even admit that you're stubborn. How many times did you and Jack butt heads over something you could've just solved by sitting and talking?
Christian: A lot. I don't know how many, but like a whole lot.
Charles: To be fair, in hindsight, a lot of us could've resolved our differences by talking. So your point is a moot one. And what's a TV show without conflict? *Silence* SOMEBODY TELL ME!
Carletta: Fair point, but yelling it isn't going to make it acceptable.
*Charles sulks in his seat. Ben wakes briefly up to yell 'HA!' in his face, before succumbing back to unconsciousness.*
Sawyer: *waking up* Is it still in? *feels it and faints again*
Walt: As the only child here – excluding the baby – can I just say…?
Michael: NO! AARGDSHSHJH!
Walt: Er… what?
Michael: Ierge beotnfs myssn tonessk.
Daniel: *flipping through various language guides* WHAT IS HE SAYING? IT COULD BE THE KEY TO SOLVING LOST!
Carletta: *flatly* Steady on there, Einstein. He's just telling you – well, Walt – that he's bitten his tongue. Unless the island is a giant mouth, or a giant metaphor, I think you can safely discard that as being the answer to the most mysterious show of all time.
Eloise: See. We might be irrational and do stupid things but our children refuse to listen to us. They are rash and looking for answers all the time.
Carletta: Because they're human! What do you expect?
Locke: Patience.
*Carletta rolls her eyes in Locke's direction but doesn't say anything.*
Jin: I never got to see my daughter. *pulls a sad face*
Sun: It's your own fault. I wanted to call her Renesmee but you rejected it because it was an affiliation with Twilight!
Jin: And as punishment, I got the death sentence. Does that make sense to you?
Sun: Yes.
Jin: RIGHT! I'M WEARING THE TROUSERS AGAIN! *he stands and his trousers fall down* WE ARE LEAVING!
*With a surge of strength, he lifts Sun over his shoulder and storms out the room. A stunned silence follows. Charlie's jaw hits the ground, whilst Daniel frantically tries to find some sort of math equation which can explain Jin's unusual behaviour.*
Carletta: Strictly speaking, I don't condone violence, or violent actions. But I have to say she kind of had that coming.
Kate: If we're talking about crap parents…*glares at Diane, her mother*
Diane: Easy, Kate…
Kate: Easy! EASY! You sold me out! You cut contact with me! And when I tried to make it right, you sold me out again! What kind of mother choses her violent boyfriend over her daughter? *in tears* Tell me!
Carletta: I know I'm supposed to be professional and unbiased but *cough* What a bitch! *cough*
Diane: I'm sorry, Katherine. I really am. But what you did wasn't just a case of chasing him away. You murdered him in cold blood. I didn't know how to protect you.
Kate: Bah. You didn't want to protect me. You snitched on me like I was a piece of trash.
Charlie: GASP!
Boone: SHRIEK!
Charlie: SHOCK HORROR!
Carletta: You guys done killing a moment?
Boone, Charlie: Nah, not really.
Diane: I'm sorry…
Kate: No. You know what? I would do what I did again. I don't regret it. What I do regret is trying to make you understand that. When a little girl sees her mommy getting beaten up, all she wants to do is make it stop. And I did. And when that mommy would rather see her daughter thrown in jail than protect her there is something seriously wrong.
Desmond: I actually don't know what to say…
Charles: I feel so awkward…
Carletta: That was a powerful admission, Kate. Are you sure there's no way to resolve your relationship?
Kate: I'm done. Now, if you all excuse me, I have to go find Jack. It's been five minutes and the fact we're not in the same place is EXTREMELY disconcerting…
*She promptly exits.*
Diane: *sadly* Is it cliché to say I wish I knew what I had before it disappeared?
Carletta: *coldly* Yes. I'm not condoning what Kate did. Murder is never the best option but she tried to make it right, hell she even came to see you when you were in the hospital. Could you not have given her the benefit of the doubt just once? Just to hear her out at least?
Juliet: I've lost many children, Diane. Okay, they weren't my own, but I still felt the pain as if it were my own. It's amazing to produce life. Life is so complex and each one is unique. You should've protected the one you brought into this world, or at least have made sure she went to a safe home.
*Sawyer is awake at this point. Looking shocked, he goes to sit next to her and holds her hand. She smiles at him, looking weary.*
Miles: *screaming* JELLY! ICE CREAM! WIBBLY BOTTOMS! You guys are freakin' depressing me!
*He proceeds to angrily storm out, followed by a tentative Daniel and Charlotte.*
Carletta: People have got to stop pointlessly exiting in the middle of an IMPORTANT SESSION!
Christian: Parents may suck…but you can't tell me children don't suck too.
*Michael nods fervently, prompting Walt to glare at him.*
Carletta: *throwing her hands up in the air* Families in general suck. But you stick together no matter what because at the end of the day you only have one! You… What is it Locke?
Locke: I'd just like to point out my father stole my kidney. And you would have me resolve that? BITCH!
Carletta: *staring* Alright, alright… Some parents are just malicious and cruel. But still, move past the issues and deal. That's basically my message at the end of every session only we never actually get to that point.
Sayid: Hurray for us failing to get to a point!
Locke: Shut up, Sayid! It's not funny anymore! Nonsensical and out of place remarks are only funny when they come from my mouth!
Jack: Or mine! *cheers* Hello again. Hold the cheering, tell the president to stop blubbing. Jack Shepherd is NOT dead.
*There is utter silence.*
Claire: Hey, Jack… Were you gone?
Shannon: Yeah, weren't you, like, here all the time?
Jack: Very funny.
Shannon: I'm actually being serious. Weren't you like sitting next to Jacob?
Jack: I have never sat next to Jacob in my life. That would be Richard you're talking about.
Shannon: Oh…. Then I have a new question. Is Richard your son?
*Jack gives an incredulous laugh. Richard just looks bemused. Carletta is eyeing Rousseau's gun a little too much…*
Jack: I hate to burst the bubble you live in, Shannon, but just because two people have hair the same colour doesn't make them related.
Rousseau: Clearly, she's sick.
Carletta: Stop trying to force the sickness down our throats! No one is sick!
Rousseau: Fine. Well, then these sessions have been a big waste of time.
*And she, like half the room, gets up and walks out.*
Carletta: Okay, I know I'm not supposed to endorse negativity but she really sucks. And she's a parent. So parents do suck!
Alex: Is mom coming back?
Carletta: Doubtful.
Alex: Should we follow suit?
Carletta: No. I don't know if you've noticed but she's a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
Locke: I'm really confused about what this session has been about.
Carletta: And that's a new feeling? Well, I suppose I should wrap this up. First, I need to coax back a few of the others, otherwise the next session is just going to boring as hell.
*She promptly exits, leaving the room in chaos. Ben leaps to his feet and starts tasering random victims. Sawyer takes Charlie's guitar and runs riot, causing the Briton to sit on the floor and cry. Claire starts having random panic attacks every time Aaron moves. In short, it's been the craziest session to date.*
Hurley: All I can really say to all of this is dude…what the hell?
A/n: Thank you all for your great reviews! I honestly think each of you are brilliant, whether you've reviewed just the once or whether you've reviewed all the chapters. You are awesome and you just inspire me. There's only so many times I can write these sappy authors' notes so…thank you. LOL.
Next session: In Which Rousseau Runs Riot!