Session 32: In Which Rousseau Runs Riot
Since last time the group convened, Carletta has, miraculously, managed to coax back the members who walked out rather pointlessly (as they all do at some point during the various sessions). She glares around the room, as if trying to fix everyone to their seats, and everyone has noticed Rousseau's gun is by her side.
Carletta: Right, you horrible lot. Closeeee….up!
*In true pantomime style, Sawyer rises to his feet and lifts his shirt up, much to Shannon and Juliet's delight.*
Carletta: Not like that, you arse head! Ugh, you lot make Charlie Sheen look like completely sane.
Sawyer: What a winning thing to say.
*Miles snickers at his comment, and Hurley snickers too even though there's about a ninety percent chance he doesn't get the joke and is merely laughing to keep up appearances.*
Rousseau: Can I have my gun back now?
Carletta: Are you mentally cured? Can you see a person without wanting to trap them in a net, or skewer them with arrows, or turn them into a human kebab?
Rousseau: *pauses for thought* Well, um, no.
Carletta: Then you don't get the gun back! Simple as. Now, you… *she points violently, causing Nikki to shriek and fall off her chair backwards* Not you, you diamond hogging tart!
Paulo: HEY! She's not a jam tart! How dare you imply she looks like pastry!
Jack: Oh, sweet Jesus…. *rolls eyes*
Charlie: A few casual episodes was just too much for you guys wasn't it? The world wasn't ready for a Nikki and Paulo. *shakes head*
Carletta: So, Rousseau…. Tell me about your childhood.
Rousseau: I am not sick. I do not need to do this. This therapy lark *air quotes* is ridiculous. I am perfectly healthy.
*Carletta stares at her before bursting out laughing.*
Carletta: You are using the classic method of diversion to avoid answering the question! You're just afraid of learning about yourself.
Rousseau: *extremely sarcastic* Yes, after surviving on an island, having my baby taken away from me, hearing nothing but whispers and loud clunking noises from the monster, the epitome of my fear derives from learning about myself. *snorts* Are you sure I'm the one who needs therapy?
Alex: Mom, maybe you should just answer the question. We can all go home then.
Rousseau: Um, try no, and then try SHUSH! I am a big girl, with big dreams.
Alex: Big dreams? Mom, last I checked your greatest ambition was trying to put traps in every tree so no one would ever take me again.
Rousseau: Alexandria! Do not undermine me! It's just good parenting to booby trap all possible areas to prevent kidnapping.
Claire: No it isn't!
Rousseau: Oh, so you're the expert on parenting are you? According to you, it's good practice to leave your child in the middle of the jungle!
*Claire hisses and leaps forward with the intent to attack. Instinctively, Charlie lunges and grabs one of her legs, whilst Sayid grabs the other. Jack, feeling left out, also lunges forwards and grabs Claire's arm.*
Carletta: STOP TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER, OR I'LL KILL YOU ALL! NO VIOLENCE IN THE THERAPY SESSION PLEASE!
*Ben looks like he's going to point out the hypocrisy in Carletta's threat, but leans back in his seat, deciding not to bother.*
Miles: WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? *sobs into his hands*
Sawyer: Yeah! Why can't we?
Jack: Because you suck, Sawyer.
Sawyer: BITE MY ADORABLY PINK ASS, JACK!
*Jack's jaw falls to the ground.*
Kate: This is being unproductive, as usual. But I kinda love that we can let out all our craziness here.
Carletta: THESE SESSIONS HAVE AGED ME ABOUT FORTY YEARS. I HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO HAVE FUN!
Charlie: Let me show you! F is for Friends who do stuff together, U is for U and me….
Carletta: NO! NO! NO!
Charlie: I see how it is. *sniffs*
Rousseau: I want my gun.
Carletta: *sigh* No. Believe it or not, Rousseau, the others aren't coming after you anymore.
Rousseau: I'll believe that when I see it.
Ben: Um…hello? We're right here, and do you see us attacking?
Rousseau: Yes. WAR HAS STARTED!
Ben: No… STOP WITH THE IRRATIONAL WARS, WOMAN! WE COME IN PEACE!
Charlie: *to Boone* Always said he was an alien…
Boone: This would be funny if I knew who he was.
Charlie: *bangs head against chair* I thought you were up to speed man?
Boone: Um, I kinda lost interest after like I died. I only tuned in to MAJOR episodes…like when they found Shannon's inhaler.
Carletta: *sarcastically* a truly pivotal moment on Lost indeed.
Rousseau: If I'm paranoid, it's because he made me that way. *points to Ben* He told me if I hear whispers, I should run the other way!
Ben: Funny, I don't think I ever mentioned anything about setting up booby traps and nets randomly in the jungle.
Rousseau: I read between the lines. Sue me.
*Ben contemplates that, but eyes the manic look in her eyes and then wisely decides not to.*
Carletta: *taking a different approach* So, Alex, how has your relationship with your mother been? Any problems?
Alex: Well, she panics if I disappear for more than five minutes at a time, but can't complain really. And she approves of Karl, and hasn't brainwashed him unlike SOME people I could mention. *glares pointedly at Ben*
Ben: We voted on that, I'll have you know! You cannot blame one man for this! It was all of us!
Juliet: *sourly* Yes, she can. You came into that meeting threatening to beat us with erasers if we didn't vote yes on Proposition Karl.
Karl: Aww, you guys named a proposition after me? Bless..
Alex: That's not a good thing, Karl!
Carletta: *clearing her throat loudly* So… Rousseau! What else would you like to talk about? This is your session.
Rousseau: We could talk about you giving me my gun back.
Carletta: Not going to happen. Anything else?
Rousseau: Um… Nope! I'm not talking about anything else.
Carletta: Well, that's not a helpful attitude to have! We finally focus on you and you have nothing to say? Nothing?
Rousseau: As they say in your country…. HELL NO!
*Carletta looks frustrated – as usual – and Alex tries to cajole her mother into saying something helpful.*
Sayid: As Rousseau's – to this day – only friend, I'd like to point out she's shrouded in mystery anyway, so why do you expect her to talk now? I could make her…
Everyone: NO!
Sayid: You guys are killjoys, you know that? *puts the feather duster away*
Jack: We could talk more about me….
Everyone: NO!
Jack: *sulkily* Okay, are you just used to saying that now?
*Locke and Desmond suddenly stumble in, both clearly wrecked as they drunkenly sing 'Don't stop believing' before collapsing in their seats.*
Carletta: Where have you two been?
Desmond: UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARDE!
Carletta: *stone faced* Seriously, where were you two? The pub, obviously, but where?
Locke: WE TOOK THE MIDNIGHT TRAIN GOING ANYWHERE!
Carletta: Fascinating.
Jack: Great, they were out getting wrecked, and we were in here listening to somebody talk about nothing. I hate this!
Carletta: It's therapy, Jack – nobody likes it.
Jack: THEN WHY ARE WE DOING THIS THEN?
Carletta: BECAUSE IT'S COMPULSORY IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE LIVING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE FAIRLY SANE AS OPPOSED TO COMPLETELY INSANE!
Rousseau: A-ha! Got the gun!
*Carletta knocks it out of her hand.*
Carletta: A-ha! Too slow!
*In amidst the gloating, Rousseau knocks it out of Carletta's hand and smirks.*
Rousseau: A-ha! Too cocky! *stands up on table* I announce you are all sick and need to be put down. Starting with you!
*She takes the gun and fires at Nikki and Paulo, blowing them out the cabin.*
Carletta: *flatly* No, stop the madness!
Claire: MY BABY! *shields Aaron*
Charlie: My guitar! *shields guitar*
Sawyer: MY GOD! *glares at everyone* You are all such pansies!
Desmond: *standing up, using a bottle of whiskey as a microphone* Nobody knows the troubles I've seen, NOBODY KNOWS MYYYYY SORRROWWWWWW!
Charlie: *raising hand* I do!
Desmond: Don't interrupt me, Chandler.
*Charlie makes a WTF face and rises to hit him, but is restrained by Hurley.*
Rousseau: See, this is my kind of environment – pure, utter chaos.
Carletta: What a sad, sad story.
Sawyer, Jack: IT'S A SAD, SAD SIT-U-ATION! *grin at each other*
Rousseau: I don't have any of these happen moments you all seem to have. I had one happy moment and that was finding Alex. *smiles at Alex* I was always alone.
Jack: B'awwwww!
Rousseau: SHUT UP! I don't need your sympathy.
Locke: SHE'S JUST A POOR WOMAN…SHE NEEDS NOOOO SYMPATHY!
*Carletta's fingers twitch by her sidebut she restrains herself.*
Ana Lucia: I thought you were a creepy loner when I first saw you… Thank you for proving me wrong. *rolls eyes*
Sawyer: Kinda the pot calling the kettle black there Lucy.
Ana Lucia: WHO THE HELL CARES?
Sawyer: *in a quiet voice* I do.
Locke: I – I love Rousseau.
Rousseau: You've barely said two words to me. In fact, I don't remember you talking to me at all. Why the sudden love?
*Locke looks startled and stumbles back, inadvertently tumbling into Eko's lap. An awkward silence follows.*
Charlie: I CALL NAMING THE NEW PAIRING!
Sawyer: DAMN IT!
Miles: I HATE YOUUUUUU!
Charlie: I shall call 'em Leko, and they shall be mine, and they shall be my Leko.
Carletta: I'm sure that gag's been used before…
Juliet: By this time these sessions have finished, we'll have used every good gag imaginable and COMEDY WILL BE DEAD!
*Thunder booms over her head as she folds her arms.*
Claire: Gee, that was kind of a downer…
Charlie: I'm all depressed now.
Ana Lucia: Thanks a lot, bitch.
Sawyer: Yeah! You've RUINED this for us…. *proceeds to storm out.* RUINED IT!
Carletta: O….kay.
Juliet: I was just trying to fit in. *pouts*
Boone: People like us are best staying quiet, Juliet. *pats her on the shoulder.*
Juliet: You don't know who I am! Why do you care?
Boone: Because…
Desmond: YOUR SHADOWS ARE SEARCHING IN THE NIIIIIGHHHHT!
Locke: BA-DA!
Carletta: I don't know what's more shocking – the fact they are singing the Glee version, or the fact I'm strangely enjoying this screwed up version even more than the other two versions.
Rousseau: Alright, I'm fed up of being ignored… *takes gun out* Who has the sickness?
Jack: As if anyone is suicidal enough to own up to that!
Frogurt: I have a tickly cough…
*Rousseau turns on him and fires without thinking.*
Shannon: Hasn't he like died already?
Boone: I'm not sure…. I don't even know who he is.
Sayid: I briefly used him as a piñata one time. ONE TIME. Don't judge me! *glares at the room*
Carletta: What is the point trying to do these sessions? It's like poking a corpse.
Kate: Lovely image. *starts eye flirting with Jack now Sawyer is out of the room.*
Rousseau: You are seeing things? *turns gun on Kate*
*Kate panics and runs out of the room followed by a manic Rousseau.*
Claire: IF SHE DIES, I GET HER SON!
Charlie: Claire… her son is YOUR son.
Claire: Thanks for the support, Charlie. *kisses him on the cheek*
Jack: NO! KATEEEEE!
*Runs out the room after her*
Carletta: And on that note, we'll call it a day.
Locke: NO! LET'S CALL IT A NIGHT!
*Everyone stares at him in bewilderment.*
Locke: Don't stare at meeeeeee…. *shields face with hands*
Carletta: Eh, we've not got anything better to do… *stares at Locke.*
Juliet: Un-freakin'-believable. *shakes head in disbelief.*
A/n: Sorry I've not updated this in, like, forever but I'm very grateful for all the reviews and amazing support. Thank you so much! :D
Next session: In Which Faith Pwns Science