Session 39: In Which Faith Pwns Science
We revisit the gang, who, like usual, are being completely insane and moronic. Locke is repeatedly trying to explain the difference between himself and an actual man made out of boxes to a drunk looking Desmond, whilst Jack and Kate alternate between kissing and giving each other cold looks. Jin and Sun argue fiercely in Korean, whilst Daniel throws Charlotte the odd look of longing. Just your typical day in the Lost universe then...
Carletta: May we begin, dare I ask?
Sawyer: NO YOU MAY NOT! Begin, that is...
Carletta: Don't be an arse, Sawyer.
Charlie: *amused* Such a task is impossible, I'm afraid. Sawyer can no more stop being such an arse than Jack stop being such a control freak.
Jack: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
*Carletta sighs, but, used to this, she continues nonetheless.*
Carletta: This session we're going to explore the differences between faith and science, and your own personal beliefs. I feel this is important so that we may grow and develop as – Desmond... may I ask what you're doing?
Desmond: You may, but I won't answer.
Locke: I believe he's doodling my face onto my carefully sculpted box man...and labelling said face... box man.
Desmond: I'M DRUNK!
Libby: Bit obvious.
Ana: Yeah...It's not like you've been doing that all the time or anything...
Eko: I will pray for you.
Desmond: What is this, a Tailie intervention?
Ana: No...but that would be SO cool!
Carletta: So, who here believes in a God, or a higher power of some sort?
Locke: I believe in the Island... Or at least I did until it killed me.
Ben: Technically – TECHNICALLY – that was me...on the island's behalf.
Man In Black: *grinning* Your body certainly came in handy... Thanks for the loaner, mate.
*Locke looks like he's going to throw up. Jacob randomly chucks paper airplanes at people. One hits Shannon, who runs out of the room followed by Sayid...and, randomly, Miles. After a few moments, Sayid returns, much to the confusion of everyone else.*
Carletta: One of these days, this might just be a pipe dream here, I'm actually going to ask a question and get a straight forward answer.
Man In Black: Dream on!
Jack: Yeah, dream on. I don't answer questions anymore.
Carletta: Oh...why?
Jack: I find they're very... *sees Carletta smirking* DAMN IT!
*Sawyer snickers, prompting Juliet to lightly hit him on the arm. Kate snickers at that, prompting Jack to hit her on the arm. Charlie snickers...and you get the idea with that.*
Carletta: I was trying to enquire about your own religious beliefs because, psychologically, there's a correlation between religion and your own actions.
Hurley: Huh?
Carletta: Translated, what you believe in effects the things you do, the things you say.
Locke: You don't say...
Hurley: *to Locke* Um, dude, she just said that...
Locke: Go away talking watermelon.
*Hurley looks confused...as are we all.*
Sayid: I've not said anything in a while... *everyone waits for him to say what he wants to say* That was all I wanted to say.
Charlie: You're a bigger let down than a let down machine.
Sawyer: Nicely articulated.
Charlie: Thanks!
Sawyer: ...is what I would've said if I liked you.
Charlie: Oh...
Sun: ...is a letter!
Sawyer: Yes...Yes it is, Sun. Well done.
Sun: Thanks!
Sawyer: ...is what I would've said if I was a nice guy.
Juliet: Can you not be sarcastic for once in your life? In fact, I'll bet you can't go the rest of this session without being sarcastic.
Sawyer: *doesn't even blink* What are the stakes?
Juliet: If you lose – and you will – you lose Kate privileges for the next three sessions.
*The entire room goes still, everyone watching Sawyer for his reaction...*
Sawyer: But – But I like Kate.
Juliet: I'm aware of that.
Sawyer: And she likes me...
Juliet: Might be debatable...
Sawyer: And – And we belong together!
Juliet: *frostily* Is that your final answer, James? Do you really want to leave that statement as it is, un-amended?
Sawyer: *in a small voice* No...
Juliet: You won't be able to talk to her, flirt with her, do all the random things you guys do during these sessions – that'll be it!
Sawyer: And if I win?
Juliet: *snorts* Doubtful, but I suppose if that possibility arises, you get this...
*She leans in and whispers something in Sawyer's ears. He contemplates this, before promptly fainting.*
Sawyer: *quickly reviving after hearing Jack walking towards him* CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Carletta: Okay...Can we get back now? Is there a possible chance we might be able to steer this silly ship of insanity back to the shores of successful therapy?
Daniel: Statistically, the chances are probably less than... *deflates under Carletta's icy gaze* Um...never mind.
Carletta: Okay... *gives a sigh* The point I was going to make was that two of the biggest themes of the show were science and religion – or faith, I should say. I was just interested to hear your thoughts about the matter.
Locke: Faith wins. End of.
Jack: NO! NO! NO! NO! There's no such thing as faith. Science clearly defines everything.
Rose: Jack, can I just interject for one -
Jack: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FAITH. SCIENCE IS A PROVEN CONCEPT.
Charlotte: The fact you're an ass can also be classified as a proven concept.
*The entire group laughs, prompting Jack to look like he's about to cry...again.*
Boone: As a non-religious, non-scientific individual, I think I can cast an unbiased view on the matter...
*He rises to speak, but Locke and Jack – working as a team for the first time ever – rush to knock him out, only to bang heads quite violently in the process, knocking themselves out in the process*
Carletta: *flatly* Is there a doctor in the house who hasn't knocked himself out?
Juliet: Yes, and you'll find doctor is not a masculine word, so be careful what you say next.
Sawyer: You're really a - *falters at Juliet's triumphant look* Congratulations, Juliet. I wish you all the best in that...career.
Hurley: You're so whipped.
Sawyer: No comment.
Hurley: Is this a – Is this the first time you've backed away from a verbal battle of wits? *is stunned* Am I through the looking glass here?
Jin: He was nice when we were in the Dharma barracks.
Boone: Holy crap! You speak English?
Jin: I think we established this several billion sessions ago.
Carletta: Yeah...we established a lot of things several billion sessions ago...
Locke: Like how faith rules everything!
Carletta: How are you awake and Jack isn't?
Locke: My head's had to develop a sense of defence since numerous things have hit it during these so-called "several billion sessions". I'm surprised I've not gone insane by now. *laughs insanely, rocking back and forth on his chair*
Carletta: *shaking head* Alright, I see where you stand on the subject, Locke, but where does everyone else stand?
Ben: Technically – TECHNICALLY – I'm sitting.
*There's a long, uncomfortable pause*
Claire: I think faith, as a concept, is something we all need. It doesn't necessarily have to be about God. I think faith was what kept us sane for most of the time...
Carletta: Very thoughtfully put, Claire. I like that.
Claire: Then when we didn't have faith in anything it sort of...drove some of us into the jungle, forcing us to abandon the concept of brushing... *clutches at hair* OH GOD, I CAN STILL FEEL THE KNOTS!
*She flees the room, leaving Aaron with a very confused Charlie.*
Daniel: There's nothing wrong with science... *falters under Locke's gaze* except that it's everything that's wrong with the world... Don't hurt me. *cries*
Carletta: Locke...stop intimidating people. They've a right to an opinion you know.
Locke: So am I! But that doesn't stop people flinging saucepans and other such trivial items in the direction of my head!
Carletta: Stop making up false accusations, before I hit you with this saucepan.
*Locke's jaw falls to the ground as he struggles for a comeback.*
Frank: May I make a point?
Locke: No!
Frank: Why?
Locke: Because you look like a worn down version of Gandalf.
Frank: You so did not just say that.
Carletta: Locke – I swear if you don't shut up and stop intimidating people, I will use a certain area of your body where the sun daren't shine to store this entire Lost boxset.
*Locke gulps, and retreats into the corner, muttering something about insane therapists always bullying him*
Carletta: You can make your point now, Frank.
Frank: Good, 'cause I ain't sayin' this twice. Seems to me you folks are always looking for something to reach out to when times get hard. Now I haven't been playing this game as long as you have, but seems to me the best thing to reach out to when times are hard is each other, and not some bogus personified version of fate or destiny.
Desmond: HEAR, HEAR!
Frank: Shut up!
Desmond: NEVER, NEVER!
*Sawyer opens his mouth, about to make a sarcastic comment, but catches Juliet's eye and quickly mumbles something about hating bets and making them without thinking things through.*
Carletta: Frank makes a good point. Why did you all not talk things through, and rely on each other, rather than always blaming fate and yelling about random things I couldn't really give a damn about?
Kate: Because that's the way we like it!
*Entire room murmurs their agreement much to Carletta's exasperation.*
Charlie: I don't mean to alarm everyone...but Jack hasn't moved in, like, forever.
Carletta: It's been about five minutes, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh... Well, in that case it's not serious enough that I can't write a song about this.
*He whips out a notepad and starts scribbling away. Jack, during this time, has opened one eye, looked at Charlie in disgust, and then closed it again.*
Penny: I know I don't speak a lot, but if I could just interject, it seems to me the show has pretty much been about faith from the start. I mean, you guys had faith you would get rescued, and you had faith in Jack... It's like Claire said – faith doesn't have to be religious. Everyone has faith in something.
Locke: ABSOLUTELY! *falls off chair in excitement* Ow...
Carletta: *looks approving* See, when you guys put your mind to it, you are perfectly capable of reasonable debate...
*Something flies across her head, immediately bursting into flames...*
Carletta: And, not for the first time, I've spoken too soon...
Rousseau: Maybe you're sick...
Carletta: WILL YOU STOP GOING ON ABOUT THIS BLOODY SICKNESS? IT'S NOT REAL!
Rousseau: …. Maybe if you think that you're even sicker than I thought.
Alex: Mom, this is getting a little embarrassing now...
Sayid: Embarrassing? No, I believe the word you are searching for is 'mortifying'.
Jack: *sitting up* WHY ISN'T LOST ON TO PROVIDE THESE ANSWERS?
Charlie: *mildly* It ended almost two years ago.
Jack: Did I get the girl?
Charlie: Depends which timeline you're talking about.
Jack: Flash-forwards?
Charlie: You had her, then you lost her.
Jack: Flash-backs?
Charlie: Didn't know her then.
Jack: Flash-sideways?
Charlie: Yeah, you got her.
*Jack fist pumps the air in triumph. Kate rolls her eyes, and Sawyer squirms on his seat, dying to make some sort of sarcastic comment.*
Carletta: Right...now Jack's back with us, can we get back onto discussing your own personal beliefs? In terms of these sessions, it helps me know your individual mindsets, helps us get to the heart of why you lot are so freakin' insane.
Desmond: S'not very nice... What if, horror of horrors, we aren't insane? How would you feel then? OOH A BUTTERFLY!
*He proceeds to chase said butterfly out of the cabin.*
Carletta: Riiiiight... Actions speak louder than words, so I'll just...let that...go.
Sayid: May I put my own personal input into this session?
Jack: That depends...
Sayid: On what?
Jack: On whether torturers get the same basic human rights as we do.
Sayid: RACIST!
Jack: How was that racist?
Sayid: I dunno... When I get backed into a corner, I tend to play the race card...which in itself might be a bit of a racist thing to do...
Locke: Mind. Blown.
*By this point, Sawyer has stuffed his fist in his mouth, sweat beads pouring down his face as he tries to control the urge to say something sarcastic and vehement...*
Jack: Got something to say Sawyer?
Locke: Something about what I said seem...funny to you?
Sawyer: No... It's perfectly normal to say those two words...like that.
*Jack and Locke exchange a smirk.*
Carletta: So, I know we've touched on this before, but who here has some kind of faith? Religious I mean?
*Rose and Charlie raise their hands, followed by Eko. Liam raises his hand, then lowers it, then raises it, prompting Boone, who somehow ended up sitting next to him, to stick out his tongue childishly. Frank looks confused by the question, whilst Daniel shakes his head.*
Ben: Most of us have never actually had a flashback to answer that question, so I declare that question to be utterly futile.
Carletta: I'd class you as a believer.
Ben: I'm not a believer!
Charlie: Well, that certainly would've put a damper on the song 'I'm A Believer'.
Ben: If I wanted the opinion of a tiny, insignificant creature, I would've consulted Jiminy Cricket.
*Charlie blinks rapidly, processing this.*
Charlie: Bit harsh really.
Sawyer: Yeah, I'm the one who should be saying these things.
Jack: Incidentally, what did Juliet promise you you'd get if you won the bet?
Carletta: Not strictly relevant guys...
Sawyer: I'm not at liberty to discuss the terms of the wager, Jack, however, if you're really interested on learning what it is, I have doodled the prize in question on the back of your chair.
*Jack immediately runs around the entire room just to get to the back of his chair – no comment – and then examines the doodle with interest, before his eyes bulge out of his socket and he staggers back, stunned.*
Carletta: *flatly* I don't know why I start these sessions believing I'm going to get something out of it. We've not really even had a chance to examine science.
Locke: That's because faith pwns science... The title even confirms it.
Daniel: It's a misprint. An anomaly.
Locke: That's denial right there.
Charlotte: Look, does it really matter - ?
Locke, Daniel: YES!
Charlotte: *sulkily* Geez, you say one thing, and you get your head ripped off...
Carletta: Welcome to my world! It sucks... but the booze is free!
Christian: Can I - ?
Carletta: Former alcoholics not welcome.
Christian: Damn it. Well, I tried...
Carletta: I might as well sum it up by re-iterating what Penny and Claire said – faith doesn't have to be religious. In fact, a lot of you relied on faith a lot more often than you think.
Jack: *stubbornly* The only thing I have faith in is that science is better than faith.
Carletta: *jaw falls open* Do you want to hear that sentence you just said, Jack? Really think about it.
*There's a long pause...*
*...followed by another long pause. Someone coughs nervously.*
*Another long pause follows the other two pauses before...*
Jack: NOOOOO! WHAT HAVE I JUST SAID?
*He proceeds to crash through the cabin which, let's face it, has suffered a lot worse damage at this point. Locke sits back, looking smug until he realizes someone has superglued him to the chair prompting a silent and violent struggle.*
Carletta: And on that bombshell, let's close this session.
Juliet: I'm proud of you, James. You've really reigned in your sarcasm.
Sawyer: You don't say? *gasps* NO! NO! THAT DOESN'T COUNT! SHE ENDED THE SESSION! SHE ENDED THE SESSSSSSSIOON!
A/n: Poor Sawyer lol. Thanks again for all the reviews. Been re-reading some of the older chapters and it amazes me it still makes me laugh. Hope you enjoy this. My reasons for not updating are outlined in my profile but I am really sorry for not updating sooner. Thanks for sticking with me all this time.
Next session: In Which We Play Where's WALLLLLT?