Session 34: In Which We Play Where's WAAALLT?

Michael is searching for Walt under various chairs. This is a funny sight to see on its own until he gets to the chair Walt is actually SITTING on and looks under it, not registering the sight of his own sun. Locke actually looks confused. Jack smirks. Sawyer makes some sort of inappropriate joke in Juliet's ear, until she swats him away, unamused. Carletta just groans loudly, cursing under her breath.

Carletta: Can we end this madness now? Lost has ended you know!

Jack: DON'T REMIND ME! *sobs into hands*

Ana: I'm back, bitches.

Miles: Nobody cares.

Ana: THAT IS SO NOT... Actually, it's true. I'm just here so I don't have to hang out with him again! *nods to Lucifer...Ahem...Jacob*

Jacob: I find it ironic I'm a good immortal in this show, and yet in another I'm Satan, in a nutshell.

Man In Black: Since you're a dead immortal now, I'm going say your statement is redundant.

Jacob: SO'S YOUR MOTHER!

Man In Black: WE HAVE THE SAME MOTHER JACKASS!

Jacob: YOUR FACE IS REDUNDANT!

Man In Black: THE TIME FOR COMEBACKS IS OVER! I WIN!

Carletta: *flatly* Oh, goody. They've started talking again. As if there aren't enough inflated egos in this room already...

Desmond: WHERE? *looks around in alarm*

Charlie: I miss Lost. *sniffs*

Claire: I'm a princess now. *smiles belligerently* SUCK THAT ASSHOLE!

Sawyer: Um...

Jack: Yeah, that's kind of... Yeah, she couldn't have phrased that worse.

Miles: I'm now extremely attracted to her. *looks at an unhappy Charlie* Don't judge me. You had your shot with her and what did you do? You went and died on her!

Charlie: I suddenly have an urge to make a wildly racist statement, based on the fact I was just insulted by someone of a foreign persuasion.

Miles: Then why don't you?

Charlie: *quietly* I don't want to be told off again.

Michael: MA BOY! MA BOY! OH HE'S DONE GONE AND RUN AWAY AGAIN!

Kate: Why is Michael talking like that guy from Back to the Future?

Jack: Why does Michael do anything? I'm vaguely aware he has a son...but I don't know how I knew that.

Sawyer: Wow... Doc cracked a funny. I'm impressed.

Carletta: MICHAEL! SIT!

*Michael obeys, and sits where there isn't a chair, resulting in him falling to the ground and landing hard on his rear, earning a loud chorus of laughter from his friends.*

Walt: Oh dad...

Michael: THERE YOU ARE!

Walt: Yeah. Kind of been here all the time.

Michael: But your voice...It's deeper.

Walt: Called puberty, Dad.

Michael: And you're...taller.

Walt: Called growing.

Michael: And you're...tanned.

*Walt makes a WTF face. Jack laughs so loud, it sounds like a shriek, and falls off his chair. Claire giggles, tears streaming down her face.*

Carletta: I thought we'd use today's session to talk about you, Walt.

Walt: Me? Why? I've barely had any screen time in...ever.

Carletta: Well, now's the time to talk. What do you want to talk about?

Sawyer: HEY! You never asked us what we'd like to talk about. RACIST!

Carletta: The only reason I did that was because the one and ONLY time I tried to ask you that, you reeled off a long – and, might I add, dirty – list of topics you wanted to talk about, all of which strangely revolved around women and sex.

Sawyer: I just think we're losing a good deal of readers by not appealing to that demographic. I mean, who wants to hear about Charlie being flung through the roof when you COULD learn what Juliet's bra size is?

*Juliet hits Sawyer over the head with her shoe, then pauses, then hits him again.*

Juliet: Pig.

Sawyer: OKAY, I WON'T SAY ANYTHING! Ow...

*Mimes suggestively to Miles and Jack, who grin and bump fists. Juliet doesn't miss this and hits him again.*

Walt: Um... can we get back on track here?

Locke: You'd get the same answer if we asked the question, does anybody know what the island really is?

Walt: A big fat no then.

Desmond: I thought it was an island because it was an island.

Carletta: That was very insightful, Desmond.

Desmond: *beaming* I'm smart.

Carletta: *under her breath* I really don't get paid enough to probe these idiots' minds. *Aloud* So, Walt... Give us a little insight to your character.

Walt: This is lame. You're all lame. Therapy sucks.

Libby: No... death sucks. That's what the first session established. Then after that, came thirty three sessions of gibberish.

Sawyer: Story of my life.

Juliet: What? The story of your life is thirty three sessions of gibberish? How – How does that even make sense?

Sawyer: Oh, it wasn't meant to make sense. It just gave me enough time to draw a naked picture of you and pass it around.

Daniel: *blinking at the page he's just been passed* How come she has two sets of eyes, one bigger than the other and located on her...? Oh...

Miles: I've seen bigger...

Juliet: Yeah, I'm guessing that's a response you're used to hearing from women.

*A slightly awestruck Sawyer high fives her. Jack gives a roar of approval. Ana fist bumps the air. Miles sulks.*

Carletta: *fights to hide a smirk* Right, Walt... Let's at least hear what you thought when your dad confessed he killed Ana and Libby.

Ana: Oh...that's where I know that guy from...

*Libby facepalms*

Walt: First I was mad. I mean, really angry. I didn't wanna believe he was capable of doing that. I mean, this was the guy who got himself injured chasing boars, so how he could've used a gun is beyond me.

Michael: HEY! Boars and people aren't the same.

Jack: *sarcastically* No...

Kate: Well, I just learned something.

Claire: I'm a princess. Doesn't anybody care about that?

Locke: You also kissed Robert Pattinson, a.k.a. The Sparkle Queen. End of discussion.

Charlie: I was a badass scientist.

Jack: I was... I did... I kind of did other things.

Sawyer: Writing threatening notes to the producers begging for ten more seasons don't count, Doc.

Kate: I'm an elf. Apparently...

Charlie: COOL. I'M A HOBBIT.

Michael: I'm...somewhere. Looking for Walt I presume, because I hardly think anything else is more important.

Walt: *rolls eyes* This man should not be allowed to have any more kids. I mean, it's a wonder I turned out so well.

Locke: Yes, you did. You have a spectacular Inner Eye.

Sawyer: INNER WHAT?

Desmond: I want pie.

Walt: As much as I love my dad, he did drive me crazy.

Carletta: To be fair to Michael, he did try. You were a stubborn kid.

Walt: I was ten!

Locke: With a strong Inner Eye. That should be highlighted.

Mikhail: I wish you wouldn't brag about Inner Eyes when one of my outer eyes is defunct.

Ben: *laughs for a good few minutes* I'm so putting that on Facebook.

Mikhail: I hate you.

Ben: Meh...most people do. I don't particularly give off a loving vibe.

Carletta: I don't know how to respond to that without putting on my Captain Obvious hat. So I shall stare intimidatingly at my least favourite person. *stares at Locke until he bursts into tears*

Walt: How could you kill people, Dad? Why?

Michael: I could tell you, but I'd rather show you... THROUGH INTERPRETIVE DANCE!

Jack: NO! HAVEN'T WE SEEN ENOUGH HORRORS?

Sawyer: Clearly not. We're still stuck with Chuckles here. *motions to Charlie*

Charlie: I resent that.

Sawyer: I resent your mom.

Charlie: I resent your face.

Sawyer: I resent your resenting of my face.

Charlie: I resent your resenting of my resenting of your face.

Carletta: I resent you both. Now quite resenting things and resent this session in silence while we pretend to care about what Walt has to say.

Walt: You're not a very patient therapist are you?

Carletta: Duh...

Jack: What was your first clue, Sherlock?

*Walt pulls a face and sits back in his seat, looking sulky.*

Carletta: Getting back on track here, Michael... did you have any lines in season 2 which didn't involve the words 'my son' or 'they took' or the name 'Walt'?

Sawyer: I can answer that!

Carletta: So can most of us, but I want to hear Michael's take on this.

Michael: *shiftily* Um... Well...

Carletta: Thought not. Moving on...

Michael: By that logic, why aren't you telling Jack off for his 'live together, die alone' crap! Or scolding Locke for banging on about fate all the time? Why do I get all the hate? Why meeee?

Carletta: We already have... Michael, have you not been LISTENING to the last thirty three sessions? That's all I've ever done, tell these people off. Kinda my job, you know.

Ben: I thought being a therapist involved dedicating a portion of your time listening to people's problems, then spewing out some generic crap in order to make them feel better.

Carletta: Considering the number of deaths I've prevented from happening here – because you guys try and murder each other on a daily basis – I think I can be excuse from following protocol here.

Walt: Isn't this session supposed to be about me?

Kate: Is this kid for real? Like any of us get our own sessions dedicated entirely to us!

Michael: Now I know he's related to me. He comes out with stupid questions too.

Walt: I hate life.

Carletta: I don't know about you guys, but I think Walt was one of the most under-developed characters on the show.

Walt: I am right here you know...

Locke: Yeah, we never did get to explore his Inner Eye...

*Michael glares at him.*

Michael: Pervert.

Shannon: Why are like talking about a kid here? Does the kid even, like, therapy?

Boone: Shannon stop being such a diva.

Shannon: What? I just asked a question. What happened to the Freedom of Speech?

Jacob: My brother ate it.

Man In Black: Oh that is just – You're so immature. I might've been murderous, but at least I had goals.

Jacob: I had goals! I wanted to be immortal and you took that away from me!

Man In Black: YOU WERE IMMORTAL!

Jacob: UM, NEWSFLASH, BUTTWAD, YOU CAN'T ENJOY IMMORTALITY IF YOU'RE DEAD!

Man In Black: BUTTWAD? WHAT ARE WE, TWELVE?

Carletta: Oh just grow up guys. You both are brothers. LOVE EACH OTHER!

Dean: So they're tormenting each other. What's new with that?

*Carletta turns to find Dean Winchester on her right, Sam Winchester on her left. Stefan and Damon from the Vampire Diaries also appear to have turned up. She scowls.*

Sam: Yeah. That's normal.

Stefan: I concur.

Damon: Gee, did you swallow a dictionary there, brother? Could've just said 'agree' and not come across as a pretentious prick.

Carletta: Just cause your individual shows have themes which overlap with this show does not mean you get to screw up my counselling sessions with your immature comments!

*There's a short pause.*

Dean: I've seen some tense chicks in my lifetime, but you, lady, are a whole bag of stress.

Carletta: *in his face* GEE YA THINK? *hurries to the door and flings it open* GET OUT!

*Grumbling, Sam, Dean, Stefan and Damon hurry out of the door, Boone gazing at his doppelgänger with a mixture of curiosity and wariness.*

Walt: Back to me now?

Carletta: Yes. So. Walt. Continue talking about your father while I count the amount of sanity cells left in my mind... Okay, I've done.

Walt: Well... I guess I can accept the fact he tried to bond with me at the beginning. We did share a few nice moments.

Michael: A few? I put up listening to you talking about ninja turtles for an hour! That's not nice...That's dedicated!

Locke: No dedicated is when you spend your entire time believing in fate and the island...and then it kills you off.

Jack: I disagree. Dedication is putting up with all you people even when you ignore me and write stupid messages in the sand. FYI guys, you write them too far up for the tide to reach.

Sawyer: We want you to see 'em, dumbass. Kinda the point.

*Jack pouts*

Jack: Well, you're off my Christmas card list this year then!

Sawyer: *sarcastically* Oh...the humanity. No Christmas Card from El Doco. How will I survive?

Carletta: Walt... Here's a question. Your powers... What the hell are they and where do they come from?

Walt: My other therapist suggests I have a very vivid imagination.

Carletta: What other therapist?

Walt: The sane one.

*Carletta spends the next few minutes spluttering and looking outraged. Boone goes over and puts a tentative arm on her shoulder.*

Walt: I dunno where my powers come from. I can only suggest I came into contact with some sort of radioactive chemical as a child... Ooh! Maybe I was bitten by a spider!

*Sawyer rolls his eyes; Locke looks thoughtful; Jack throws a paper ball in the direction of Walt's head, but miscalculates and it ends up hitting the one good eye of Mikhail, who screams and runs out of the room.*

Michael: I did kind of drop as a child. Maybe that was it.

Walt: WHAT? HOW COULD YOU?

Michael: To be fair...you were always wriggling. And your first word did happen to be magic.

Walt: Did it?

Michael: No. We never got much of your back-story, so I figured I'd make random crap up.

Sawyer: Worked for the producers of this show. *sniggers immaturely*

Carletta: *after finding her voice again* And how did that make you feel Walt?

Walt: Angry. Hurt. I mean, I wasn't the most exciting character, but I did feel like I could've developed a bit more as a person.

Charlie: To be fair, Walt, you didn't want to end up being a beloved character. We all got killed off one way or another.

Walt: *fairly* Good point. But I still wanted to end up back on the island.

Locke: THAT'S MA BOY.

Michael: DON'T TALK LIKE I TALK! YOU IZ DISRESPECTING ME!

Locke: No, I think you're doing a good job of that all by yourself.

*Everyone falls silent, stunned by the fact Locke has actually come up with a decent comeback for once.*

Jack: This may be the greatest moment in the history of great moments.

Claire: Don't cry, Jack...

Jack: *sniffs* I wasn't planning to...

Carletta: To be fair... you probably did end up going back.

Walt: Then why wasn't it shown?

Carletta: Presumably because the producers didn't want a season 7 which would've only featured you, Ben, Hurley, and possibly Kate, Sawyer, Miles, Richard and Claire, because those are the characters they haven't killed off yet.

Rose: What about me and Bernard?

Carletta: Yes... I'm sure season 7 wouldn't have worked without the two of you. *rolls eyes* I thought you two had retired anyway?

Bernard: We had. It's just nice to be included, that's all.

Carletta: Back to Walt... Where's he gone?

Michael: *rises to his feet* WHAT? HE'S GONE? AGAIN?

Jack: Michael...don't...

*Sawyer doesn't even comment. He retrieves several packs of headphones and passes them around the room. Juliet and Ben fight for the last pair, with Juliet being the victor much to Ben's displeasure.*

Carletta: Oh...damn!

Michael: WAAAAALLLLLLLLT? WALLLLLLT?

*Walt walks back into the room.*

Walt: So it turns out I can't go for a bathroom break without people freaking out? You guys are all insane.

Carletta: My verdict precisely. Can we just call it a day and just be done?

Jack: Do we get a choice in the matter?

Carletta: Not really. You might as well bring in the booze, cause there's no way I'm handling the rest of the forty five minutes we have left of the hour sober.

Kate: So...each session is an hour...and we cover about fifteen minutes of it before you give up and declare us all to be insane?

Carletta: Yep. That's right.

Kate: …. How are you still a therapist?

Carletta: No idea. Haven't you some running to do?

Kate: Ooh, so I have! Bye!

*She dashes out of the room, which gives Michael time to run over and kidnap his own son , leading Ben, ever the comedian, to jokingly call out Walt's name. This, naturally, doesn't go down well with the others, who choose to ruthlessly ambush him, thus ending yet another ridiculously insane session.*

A/n: Thanks for reviewing guys. :) I know this is updated rarely but it wasn't something I intended to update regularly :) Next session focuses on the flashbacks of the show so look forward to that. :)

Next session: In Which We Flash Back (Geddit?)