A/N: 1 chapter left...wow. This has been an amazing journey. Thank you for taking it with me :) ~Aliyah
Sarah (Ch 92) - Thank you. I know, it feels like there's still so much left to cover but time is running short. Glad you liked the T&A moment. When I'm watching the early seasons, I like Kate, but as soon as Ziva shows up, she's my favourite. But Kate was very important to them, so that's wh at matters. I know, I never got why she wore skirts. In that job I'd want to be in jeans and running shoes all the time. I've been waiting awhile to use Haven as the reason for A&C to take that last step to being friends, I'm glad it worked. Oh man...if they ever pair Gibbs with someone on NCIS, I'd probably be wondering what happened to Celeste! lol. Sweet...I think that word is Grace personified. It was kinda fun to get to use her here. Thanks for reviewing Sarah! :)
Thursday after work Ziva left Chaya with Tony and went over to see Abby and McGee. McGee answered the door with bloodshot eyes and a faint smile. "Hi Ziva. Abby is upstairs."
Ziva looked him over critically. "How are you?"
He shrugged. "Somewhere past exhausted. Haven isn't sleeping much."
"You may not believe me now, but eventually that will change."
Tim smiled. "Something to look forward to then."
Ziva made her way upstairs and found Abby breastfeeding Haven in bed. She knocked on the door. "Would you like some company?"
Abby's usual grin fell flat and her eyes were dull, but at least she tried. "Sure."
"Well?" Ziva inquired.
She sighed. "I'm not exactly the poster girl for motherhood right now," Abby admitted. "If I was totally honest, I'd probably scare everyone away from ever wanting to be a parent."
Ziva chuckled. "Be honest with me. I am already there. It is too late to be scared."
Abby rolled her eyes. "Between bleeding through a diaper sized pad every hour or two and sweating so much I'm changing shirts every time I get up to nurse, I feel like some sort of mutant or someone's creepy science experiment. And Haven...I love her dearly, but if she even slept for two hours that would be the best gift ever. I try, but I have no idea what I'm doing and I feel like a failure because sometimes my breasts are so sore she can't nurse. She cries and cries and there's nothing I can do. She spits out the pacifier after a couple of minutes and we can't find anything else to help her."
"The first few days after your milk comes in are miserable," Ziva agreed. "I was a mess with the hormones and pain and Chaya crying because she was hungry. But in a few days everything will settle down."
Abby swallowed tears. "Promise?"
Ziva shook her head. "I cannot promise because every baby is different, but I think it is a safe guess."
Haven pulled away from Abby's breast and she reached for the cream while Ziva took the baby to burp. Abby leaned back and closed her eyes. "Any advice?"
"No more Caf-Pow for starters," Ziva stated as Abby looked guiltily around at the few small empty cups laying within reach. "And sleep whenever Haven sleeps. Even if it feels like you and Tim are sleeping all day long. It does not matter how much you want to, it is impossible to function properly on six or eight hours of very broken sleep. That is the best thing I was every told, that is how Tony and I survived the newborn days."
"At least Tim is here now," Abby said slowly, "but I have no idea how I'm going to do this by myself when he goes back to work."
"One hour at a time I am afraid, with lots of help from friends."
Her smile was weak. "That means a lot."
Ziva rubbed Haven's back gently, trying to remember when her baby was so small. "Can I get you anything?"
Abby shook her head. "You guys already did more than enough. Thanks for the food and the gift certificates. I have a feeling we'll use them a lot."
"It was our pleasure," Ziva assured her, laying Haven down in the co-sleeper. "Get some rest and call if you need company. Tony and I will come."
"I know. Thanks Ziva."
"What is it you are always saying?" the dark-haired woman asked. "Abby, this is what family is for."
NCIS
Tony had Chaya sitting on his lap when Ziva returned, staring at her intently. Ziva smiled. "Chaya." The little girl turned her head and smiled at Mommy, clapping her hands.
Ziva walked over and took the baby into her arms, rubbing noses with her and murmuring in quiet Hebrew. "What were you looking at?"
Tony grinned. "Her eyes are getting darker." Ziva looked confused and he continued. "I've been checking out her eyes for days Zi, they're getting darker." He pulled his wife down to sit on his lap. "They're going to be brown, just like yours."
She stood Chaya up on her legs and examined her previously blue eyes. Slowly she smiled. "I believe you are right Tony."
"I'm always right," he boasted, expecting to get elbowed, but Ziva just sat Chaya down again and kissed his lips.
"That is yet to be determined."
Fingering one of her curls, Tony changed the subject. "How's Abby?"
Ziva moved, laying Chaya down on her tummy. Right away the little girl pushed herself up to look around and reached for the nearest toy. Ziva settled in beside her husband, placing one hand on his knee. "Exhausted, frustrated, uncomfortable, sure she will be no good at all this." She leaned her head on his shoulder. "But I think once Haven starts following a bit of a pattern, things will be different."
"What about McDaddy?" Tony asked.
Ziva chuckled. "He looks like he has spent all weekend playing video games. I think he is very tired, but he is still in one piece."
"Sometimes that's as good as it gets. Do they need anything?"
She shook her head. "Not right now. Abby thanked us for the food and gift cards. I think we should drop by every couple of days, just to check on them."
Tony nodded. "I can be moral support. I don't necessarily want to change some other kid's diapers, but I'll help out."
Ziva kissed his neck. "Thank you." She watched Chaya roll over and lay with her legs straight up in the air, chattering to herself. "Haven is just under six pounds now and so tiny. It is hard to believe that Chaya was smaller when we brought her home."
He stretched his arm behind her. "It seems like a lifetime ago. She's gotten so big."
"Chaya is growing very fast. In another few months she will be sitting and trying to crawl and starting to use words. I will miss her being a baby."
"When she was a newborn, some days I thought we'd never get here," Tony admitted. "All I could think of was getting a full night's sleep. And now," he shrugged, "I wish I'd enjoyed it more when she was small enough to fit in my hands."
"You are a good daddy Tony," Ziva whispered. "Thank you."
He tipped her chin up and pressed his lips to hers. "For her, for you, I'd do anything. You know that, right?"
Ziva got comfortable with her head on his chest, not taking her eyes off their baby. "I know. And that is still my biggest miracle. Ani ohevet otcha."
"Yeah," Tony grinned, leaning down to roll a ball to Chaya and glancing over his shoulder. "I love you too."
NCIS
Friday night while Ziva was at Ops, Tony sat in the spare bedroom staring at his computer screen and turning his SecNav coin over and over in one hand. There were seventy-four letters, he'd counted. Seventy-four letters for fifteen months of missing her, mourning her, trying to avenge her, loving her and fighting for a place in her heart. Seventy-four letters for finally having her, for marrying her, for sharing a life, and having a baby, being parents and finally getting her back as his partner. Seventy-four letters that she finally needed to see.
He sighed and began the process of moving the documents all to one file so he could print them off. Beside his computer the printer hummed to life and Tony waited for the first sheet. Some of them he skimmed, each one was folded into three sections, and the pile on the desk grew. Finally they were all done and he walked across the hall to his daughter's room to watch her breathe and remember again that the life he had dreamed of really was real.
The front door slammed and Ziva came upstairs and got in the shower. Tony returned to their makeshift office and went through drawers until he found Ziva's present wrapping supplies. When she came out of the bathroom in comfy clothes, he was waiting in the doorway and moved slowly forward, resting one hand on her shoulder. "I have something for you."
Ziva looked back at him and smiled. "A present?"
He sat down on the bed beside her and lifted her left hand to kiss her rings. "Something long overdue."
Intrigued, Ziva gave her husband her full attention. Tony thumbed through the folded papers he was holding before laying two separate bundles tied with ribbon on her lap. He touched the first pile. "I wrote these last year after you left and when we thought-" Tony choked on the words and emotion that came with them. "When we thought we'd lost you." Shaking his head sadly, he reached for her hand. "I couldn't do it Zi, I couldn't really be alive without you. I never knew how much you were a part of me until you were gone."
Ziva's eyes began to fill and she blinked back the tears, a confession she knew she would have to make beating in her chest. But she'd let him finish first. Ziva squeezed his hand, encouraging him to go on. Tony swallowed.
"And these ones I started after we brought you home, when I could see for myself that you were really alive." He met her gaze. "I wrote them while you stayed with me, after you moved, during your pregnancy and continued after the wedding and once Chaya was born. The most recent one is from this month. I just...thought you should have them." Tony smiled. "They're all to you anyways."
Ziva's fingers caressed the letters gently, surprised at how many there were. She put her hand on her husband's chest and looked down. "I knew about the letters Tony, at least some of them."
Tony's head popped up and he frowned. "How?" He quirked an eyebrow at her. "Do I divulge deep dark secrets in my sleep?" It wouldn't completely shock him.
Ziva shook her head slowly. "One day you showered at my apartment and I wanted to see what was on your computer." She shrugged and let her hand drop away. "I cannot remember why. The folder had my initials, I did not understand until I read the first one." She couldn't meet his eyes and see the trust she'd betrayed. "I read three before the water shut off and I went to my room so you would not know."
Tony's posture slumped. "So you knew? From the beginning you knew how I felt?"
A phrase replayed in Ziva's head and she whispered, "I think I might have loved you, but now I will never know."
His expression darkened. "You knew and you still wouldn't let me in!" he accused. "Why Ziva?"
Ziva took his anger for what it was, a deep hurt that still wasn't fully healed even if she had been his for months. Finally she looked up at him with sad eyes, opening her heart. "I was not in a position to believe your words Tony. I could not understand, I could not accept that you could care so much." She traced his face with one finger. "That was so long before you showed me the past did not matter." Her smile returned. "And later you were never able to hide how you felt, I just never told you how much I could see."
Tony nodded slowly and let his hurt and anger drain away before pulling her into a hug. "They were yours even then," he said finally. Then he leaned back to look into her eyes. "Tell me again." He needed to hear the words in her voice, from her heart. It was never enough.
Ziva laid her hand on his cheek and kissed him softly. "I love you Tony." He held her tighter, needing the reassurance. Ziva turned in his arms and held up the first pile of letters. "Will you read them to me?" Tony's eyes widened. He'd wept just glancing over them while they printed. To hear his thoughts out loud, the grief and helplessness, might be too much. Ziva's fingers threaded into his hair. "Then you can look into my eyes and know that this ahava, we, are what is real now."
It made sense, so Tony scooted back against the pillows and Ziva tucked herself against his side. With one arm around his wife, Tony pulled the first letter free, but before starting, he cleared his throat. "I was in some really dark places when I wrote these Zi. They may not be easy to hear." She nodded, weaving their fingers together in a show of support. Tony took a breath and began to read. The first one she had heard, but he had been right to warn her about the others, and several times she had to put her hand on his heart or press herself closer into his side just to remind herself of what they were now.
Halfway through the first stack Ziva pulled Tony's head down to hers, brushing her lips over his. "I am here," she whispered and he closed his eyes, fighting back the emotions of last summer. Then she slid the next letter free of the ribbon and opened it for him. Tony swallowed and continued.
"They said you went missing on a mission for Mossad, but I think they're lying. You're Ziva David, and Ziva doesn't just get lost. Either you didn't want to be found, or something happened. But ninjas have nine lives, just like cats, right? I know you're out there somewhere Zi, please come home. Just come home. We miss you."
A couple more of the memories were familiar to Ziva and she rubbed soothing circles onto his hand, feeling the tension building in him. Tony scanned the brief lines of the letter that came after and remembered what it had been like, the search for the man responsible for taking away his partner. "We know who did it Zi, the guy who indirectly caused your death. Saleem Ulman, he was your mission, now he's mine. I swear Zi, I'm going to find him and make him pay for what happened to you. No one kills my partner and gets away with it. We're gonna find him."
"You did," Ziva told him quietly.
He heaved a sigh as he set the sheet of paper aside and looked at the next one. "Ziva..."
"Tell me," she whispered, "tell me what it was like to be lost. I know your heart Tony."
Tony held her tighter and spoke through an emotion clogged throat. "Vance gave the okay. A wink-wink, nudge-nudge thing with Gibbs that let us make a plan to get Saleem. Probie's coming to cover my six, Gibbs is our back-up. We've got to get into the camp Zi, so we're trespassing on enemy territory on purpose. We'll look like two dumb white guys who got lost in the dessert. And once Saleem dies, well, then I did what I came to do. I know you never really thought I was brave enough to do my job, but I'm doing this for you. And after that...I think I might just die with you too."
His warning had been with good reason and Ziva clung to him, hating the visual she was getting, of her partner so deep into grief that he was going to lose his own life just so he wouldn't have to live without her. "You never knew how true those words were," he admitted, "the ones I told you in Somalia. Now you do." She kissed him again and again, felt some of the sadness haunting his features drain away at her touch. Finally he pulled away and lifted the next pile of letters. "Now comes the happier stuff honey. Not right away, but...well, you'll see."
He cleared his throat. "You're home Zi. A month ago I never imagined saying those words. But you're here and you're real and if you tell anyone I'll deny it, but I cried last night after you fell asleep, after the nightmare was over. I cried in relief, in joy, and in pain because you're so incredibly broken right now and I don't know which piece to pick up to help put you back together. But you're here and you're alive and I love you. I'm going to tell you that here, in these words I only hope you'll have an occasion to read someday, because I can't say it out loud yet. I love you, I love you, I love you. And because of that I'll do anything. I'll wait any length of time. I'll do whatever it takes to be in your life. I'm not going to screw it up this time Zi, I promise."
Ziva touched the words gently. "If you had told me that night, I would not have believed Tony DiNozzo would cry because of my pain." Her fingers caressed his cheek. "But I believe it now. And I do not think you have it in you to screw up what we have built."
Tony swallowed and tightened his arm around her, his lips brushing her temple. "DiNozzo men don't cry," he choked out. "Don't make a liar out of me David."
"Mmm...I do not think you like me to have that name anymore," she said with a smile.
He leaned down and captured her lips, indulging in a slow, soft, reassuring kiss. "Of course, Mrs. DiNozzo suits you much better."
Ziva stretched out her legs alongside his. "Go on. I am waiting for the happy ones."
"Got a few left yet before we get to those ones," he warned, unfolding another letter.
"It hurts me to watch you move. At work I can't take my eyes off you, I'm afraid if I blink maybe you'll disappear. I'm thankful that you allow me to stare, it lets me keep breathing, keep hoping this is real. But every time you stand or turn or take a step, I see you check your movement. Press a hand to your ribs, try not to take too deep a breath, walk gingerly as if you aren't quite sure your feet will carry you. You get headaches a lot now, but you never reach for the bottle of pills I put in your desk drawer even though I know you know they're there. Are you trying to punish yourself? I wish you'd talk to me, but it's been days and you've barely looked my way. I hate to watch you struggle every day just to live again. You never ask for the help we would all gladly give. I have you back, just like I wanted, but I wonder..." Tony hesitated, reading the last few words again and Ziva looked at him.
"I will not fault you for your thoughts ahava, I promise."
He sighed. "You know how I told you once that your truths are always painful? Some of mine are too."
"Go on," she encouraged him.
Tony shook his head, looking back at the typed page. "But I wonder if you're still the woman I knew."
Things got quiet real quick and he silently berated himself. This whole idea was stupid. She was just going to hear things that would make her feel bad, things he wasn't sure he wanted her to know. These letters were his heart, his hurts, his longing, his love poured out onto blank pages that had received them and gave him some sort of balm for the pain in his soul. He wasn't sure if Ziva was ready for all that.
Her head came to rest on his shoulder. "Does it bother you?" she asked in a soft voice.
Tony squeezed her fingers. "I think you're going to have to be more specific about 'it' Ziva."
Lips he loved to feel on his curved upward in a faint smile at the echo of another one of their conversations. "That I may never again be the woman you knew."
"No." His answer was so quick she looked up and frowned at him. Tony slid his fingers along her neck and into her hair. "I know this woman. I have this woman. And I've learned a thousand more things to love about her than I ever would've known when we were just partners."
Ziva's hand rested over his heart. "You give the best answers. But I do not want you just to say what you think I want to hear. You do not always have to be the noble one."
"I'm not." His shoulders dropped. "Believe me Zi, sometimes I'm so selfish it's disgusting. But I promise I haven't lied to you once since you got back. And every word you've ever heard out of my mouth in the last year has been the truth." Tony leaned his forehead on hers. "It's not just what you want to hear babe, it's what I want to say too." Everything was the truth, he thought, except when I was trying so hard to pretend I didn't love you, that friends and partners would somehow be good enough.
"Okay." She nodded and he took that as his cue to continue.
"More observations," Tony noted, opening another. "Brace yourself." Ziva tucked her hand around his arm and held on.
"You need to eat Zi. You turn down every offer of food at work, sip the same cup of tea for hours on end. The circles under your eyes just get darker and I never thought I'd say this, but you seem so fragile now, like one wrong word might make you fall apart. Gibbs watches you a lot, almost as much as I do. He's worried and so am I. Abby and McGee don't say much, they try to respect your privacy. But Abby's afraid to hug you these days and it makes me wonder what happens at night when you're sleeping on her couch."
"Unfortunately, you learned all too quickly what happens at night."
"Except I was the one sleeping on the couch," he reminded her.
"Not for long. What was it? Two days before you declared you were sleeping on the floor? And another four or five days of making up dumb excuses to keep coming back. When I finally said you could stay, I was as relieved as you were."
"Well, somebody had to be close." Tony lifted her hand and kissed her knuckles. "Those screams were the most chilling sound I'd ever heard Zi. You were in agony, tormented by suffering you couldn't escape and I hated to think what you might be seeing that would cause you to scream like that."
Ziva rubbed her wrists absently. "And now you know."
"Sometimes I still wish I didn't," Tony admitted. "But when you trusted me enough to show me the scars, when you told me that one night about everything that had happened during those months...I knew I had all of you then. And that's still worth the pain of knowing. Sometimes I'd imagined much worse."
She wrapped her arms around herself. "Is it too painful to relive all of this? All of before we were us? All of the hurt you felt because continuing to live was harder than I thought?"
"Hey," Tony tipped her chin up. "There's good stuff in this pile too Zi. Just hang in there with me, okay? Remember that I did this for you. For me first, because talking to your memory was better than accepting I'd never see you again. But for you later, so someday you'd be able to see everything I felt on paper. Maybe it'll help you believe that you're worth loving."
"You are teaching that lesson very well," his wife replied, curling into his side. "Alright, I am listening."
"More than anything I wish I could touch you. A hand on your shoulder or arm, the freedom to tousle your hair because it used to make you smile, even if these days I'm not sure anything does. Just to stand close to you would be better than nothing. But you still jump when a shadow falls across your desk and loud noises make you skittish. The only ones who can get close are Gibbs and Ducky, but I don't know if you're as comfortable with them as you pretend. You're scared now Zi and I hate it. I would do anything to make you not afraid."
"You did," Ziva whispered, drawing invisible but important letters on the back of his hand. "For two weeks you were my sanctuary. You taught me that touch did not equal hurt and nightmares did not mean I could not be rescued. When you hugged me that last morning in bed, after I wouldn't let you tell me you loved me, I was so close to pushing you back and running away. But I knew you needed me just like I'd needed you, and that was the most contact I'd had with anyone in months." She swallowed. "You know how to make me feel safe Tony. Thank you."
He was torn between kissing her breathless and the need to share the rest of his heart with her. So he joined their lips for a long moment, but just when he could feel Ziva getting needy, he pulled away and kissed her nose. "Hold that thought, okay?"
Ziva swatted him. "That is mean."
Tony gave her the thousand watt grin that had charmed a hundred girls but was now for her alone. "But you still love me."
"Yes," she said contemplatively, "and there is nothing you can do to make me stop."
He stared at her with open adoration for several seconds before tearing his gaze away and sitting up straighter. "Gosh, you are the best distraction. Stop looking at me like that. It makes me want to hold you and never let go."
One eyebrow arched gracefully. "And why would I want you to let go?"
He huffed. "That's not what I mean. Just listen, okay? I have to finish these. Then you can do whatever you want with me."
"That is a dangerous offer," Ziva murmured, but Tony chose to ignore her, and held up the next letter.
"I used to think about someday a lot. Someday I'd get the courage to tell you you were more than just my partner. Someday the timing would be right and I'd ask you on a date. Someday Rule 12 wouldn't exist and we'd finally have a chance. Someday I'd find out if there was any way you could love me too. You've been home almost two weeks Zi, and now it's my turn to put you up. But in fourteen days you've barely said five words to me. I'm beginning to think someday might not exist."
"We wasted so much time pretending," she lamented. "By the time I realized I wanted you to care, you were with Jeanne and it was too late. And I think you might've said something when I returned home from Israel, only then there was Michael and we missed another chance. I am so glad there was one more left."
Tony tilted his head and brushed his lips over hers, then moved to the other side and their mouths met for a sweet instant before he broke it off. "We always would've made one more chance Zi, as long as there was time."
She touched his ring. "Then there was no more time, but we got that chance anyways."
He tried to think of a joke to throw in to lighten the moment, deep was sometimes too much, but he came up empty, so Tony merely smiled lovingly at her before starting to read again. He got through several, finally coming to the time period after Ziva moved out. "Nothing is worse than being just down the hall and hearing you scream, but being unable to go to you. Because I'm not supposed to know you're here even if I'm only pretending not to. Five nights and sometimes I even get up and walk to the doorway. One night I made it halfway down the hall and I could hear you crying. I've never wanted to hold you more, to be your comfort and your strength, everything you need. But you're making me let you do this on your own and I'm learning that doing nothing is harder than I ever thought."
Ziva sighed. "I wish I could have let you rescue me, but I did not want to be weak. Now I think that accepting your love might have taken more strength than doing it on my own."
"Well, you've got it now honey," he assured her, "and this time I won't let you push me away."
She kissed his neck and rested her head over his heart. Tony dropped a kiss on her hair and continued reading. Opened letters piled up beside him until finally he came to one that made him smile, and Tony had the grace to look a little sheepish. "I bet you didn't know about this." Curiosity flared in Ziva's gaze and she waited to hear what he'd written. Tony closed his eyes for a moment, flashing back to the night he'd typed these words.
Tony couldn't take his eyes off the picture. So innocent, so perfect, so new, this little life. It didn't deserve the way it had been conceived, but he had no doubt Ziva would be able to love her child enough to make up for the darkness of its beginning. And after the way she acted today, he wondered if one day Ziva might just let him have a role in their lives.
Opening his laptop, Tony clicked through his documents until the 'ILY' folder appeared. Saving a new file, he positioned his fingers over the keys and began.
The last few days have felt like a dream Ziva. In some ways, for you, I'm sure it has been a nightmare, but this time I got to be there, you let me be there, and I hope I was able to help, even if only a little.
He sighed, thinking back to Saturday night after Ziva finished dancing and how he'd longed for a way to express his heart while he tried to sort out his thoughts before Gibbs called.
I love you Ziva. If I hadn't known it before this weekend, I am certain now. When you let me watch you dance, you weren't just answering a question, but you opened your heart and soul for me to see. I meant what I said, it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. A glimpse was enough to be overwhelmed, but forgive me for being greedy Zi, I still want more.
Memories of holding her, kissing her, waking up with her flooded Tony's mind and the ache he felt was so strong he could almost touch it.
You gave me one night Ziva, one night to see what it would be like if we could make it work. I wasn't trying to rush you with the kiss, it was more something I couldn't've stopped even if I wanted to, which I didn't, unless you said no. But you allowed me that one moment Zi, and if that's all I ever get, I will make it be enough.
Please don't let that be it, his heart begged in the silence.
The memories of falling asleep and waking up with you in my arms is something I won't forget Ninja, and even though it's too much too soon, I want you to know I've dreamed about that since you stayed at my apartment. Stay strong honey, you can do this. And I will always be right here, as close as you let me for as long as it takes. I love you, Tony.
Reading back over the words, Tony hesitated and almost deleted them. He sounded like a lovesick puppy. But the possibility of Ziva one day seeing those letters held him back. She deserved to know how much he'd changed. He wasn't the same goofy playboy anymore. He'd grown up, now all he was looking for was a place to belong.
Tony finished explaining the memory and Ziva suddenly got up from beside him and left the room. Uncertain what that was all about, Tony stayed where he was, hoping she'd come back and explain. A minute later Ziva returned, carrying with her the baby book from Grace. She was silent as she flipped through the early pages with Chaya's newborn stats, her hand and footprints, and the little clear plastic piece that held a tiny wisp of dark hair. Finally she came to the section where she had saved all of her ultrasound scans. Gently, she traced the grainy image in the first picture.
"You made a copy of this one?" she asked, turning to look at him.
He gave her a half-grin and sorta chuckled. "Yeah."
"That was right after I found out, and you were already thinking about us being a family? You wanted to protect my baby, you imagined her..." Ziva shook her head. "I do not know what to say."
Tony frowned. "You're acting like that is a bad thing."
"No," Ziva drew a shuddering breath, "it is more than I ever expected. And I just wish that I had not kept you out so long. I could have had you there by my side for the whole time, but I did not let you in until...much longer than you should have had to wait to be a part of our lives."
He slid his palm over her flat stomach, clearly remembering the first time he'd felt Chaya kick, back when her name first became Chipmunk, the first time he ever spoke to her out loud while Ziva was sleeping in his arms on his couch after a long case and a movie night. "You were doing what you thought was right. As much as it hurt to be left on the outside of those days, it's better that we didn't rush anything Zi. I wouldn't change even a minute of the last year, painful as it's been, because I don't want to change the life we have together now. And this is so much better than anything my imagination ever conjured up."
Ziva's gaze sought his and for a moment she entertained the idea of pushing everything off the bed and offering herself to him, but as tempting as the thought of making love to her husband was now that she had no reason to fear what would happen after, she knew it was important to Tony that they read the letters he'd saved for her. So she looked away, hoping he didn't catch the colour she felt rising in her cheeks, and closed the baby book gently.
"I am ready."
Tony blinked, wondering if he'd imagined the invitation in her eyes, and shook himself, trying to concentrate. McGee was right, they really had to keep the eye sex to a minimum, it wreaked havoc on his focus. "Right." He cleared his throat. "Okay."
"This is probably the dumbest thing I've ever done. We're just friends, at least, that's what you say, but I've stopped trying to convince my heart. I bought you a ring today Ziva, an engagement ring. I've opened the box a hundred times since this morning to look at it and think how pretty it will look on your finger. But the way things are going I'm still afraid you'll never let yourself accept it, or me. I wish you knew how much I need you."
Ziva crawled into his lap and held his face between her hands, staring into his eyes. "I know now. And I need you just as much, maybe more."
For several minutes the letters were forgotten in place of passionate kisses the couple shared. Tony's hands moved slowly over Ziva's back and up her sides, pulling her further into him as her lips slid between and over his, while they shared breaths and heartbeats, trying to communicate with the language that had been theirs since 'I do.' Finally she kissed him one final time and slid off of him to side by his side. "I love you."
Tony laughed and pushed his fingers into his hair. "I love you too. Now let's finish these. If that was a preview of tonight, I'm more than willing to join you for the main attraction." An elbow to his ribs brought him back to reality and Tony grabbed the next folded paper.
"I missed a chance with you today Zi, to tell you something I've been keeping in my heart since we brought you home. I've said it a hundred times in a thousand different ways - every look, every touch, every kiss, every word - in the months you've been back. I don't know why I couldn't say it out loud today when you were in my arms with your heart open. It was the perfect moment and I let it go. I'm sorry. I love you."
They'd already talked about that one in a way, during one of their conversations about when they fell in love, so he moved on. "I don't want to lose you Ziva. The panic I felt when you made me promise to do this without you is something I can't even describe. I'm so glad it was only a dream, except then I remember how it was a nightmare I lived for three months. Don't leave me to do this by myself Zi, please. For our baby I'll do anything, but I can't live without you. I wish you hadn't asked me to."
Tony looked at his wife and wiped away the tear on her cheek. That had not been an easy day for any of them. A quick peek at the following letter had a grin spreading over his face. "Now comes the happy stuff." It was the first letter he'd written after their engagement.
"You said yes Zi and today I'm the happiest man in the world. Giving you the ring like I've dreamed of doing for more than a month was a hundred times better than Spring Break. I'm sorry for the early call, but I couldn't wait until we got to work to hear it again. Yes, and you love me, and in two months I get to be someone's daddy. Thank you sweetheart, for showing me that someday really does exist."
Then from the morning following their wedding. "You're wearing my ring and sleeping in my bed with our baby growing inside you. Welcome to your new life Mrs. DiNozzo. This is my dream come true."
"Mine too," she whispered, leaning against his shoulder.
And when he had to go back to work after a whole weekend with his new bride. "I'm sitting at my desk with a stack of reports to do, but the desk across from me is empty and I just can't seem to concentrate without you looking at me and teasing me and inventing ways to get in my space. I miss you Zi. I miss being at home with you and holding you, seeing you smile and hearing you laugh. It's been six hours but I can still taste your kiss and I'm addicted, so I really need my next fix. Be careful at home without me, I want you both safe and healthy. Love, your husband."
The pile was getting smaller now, but the next one made Tony catch his breath. He skimmed it and squeezed his eyes shut. "I forgot about this one."
"I'm so angry right now Ziva. What they did to you...what you went through...every time I think about it I feel like I'm going to be sick. It's not fair and I'd take your scars on me if I knew how. I hate knowing how much they hurt you and I remember what our Rule 2 is, but I'm still sorry, I'm so sorry babe. I swear on my life Zi, no one is ever going to touch you again. It's my job to protect you and they'll have to go through me first. I'll never let anyone take you away from me, Africa will never happen again, no matter what. You have my word."
Ziva sighed. "That was the morning you did not say goodbye."
Tony hugged her against him. "I didn't want you to see how mad I was, even then you could read me too well. I didn't want you to think that what you told me in any way affected my love for you, but I couldn't get the pictures out of my head."
She sat up and kissed the side of his head. "We should not both have those pictures inside, one of us is enough."
"They'll go away," Tony said, half-pleading, half-begging. "Someday I know they'll go away."
"I hope so."
Then came another page that made him hesitate, and take a breath before starting. "I never planned to tell you about therapy, and then Devon spilled the beans. But I'm not mad at her, because I've beaten myself up so many times for my part in what was done to you, and now you have no idea what it means to hear your words, to have your forgiveness and love, to feel that weight lifted off my soul. Thank you for listening and letting me cry, thank you for all the promises you made in a language my heart is still learning to speak. Thank you for not letting go. I love you Zi."
Her fingers slid between his. "I will not let go."
Tony rubbed his thumb over the side of her hand. "I should've told you that night, but-"
"I knew," Ziva whispered. "I knew that I had touched your heart. And I am glad Devon told me, even if it was breaking confidence, because otherwise I never would have guessed how much you needed to hear what I said. It was an easy gift to give."
He kissed her again, thinking that something that made him feel so good should probably be illegal, and flipped through a few more of the folded papers, soon coming to one from a day after Chaya's birth. "I held our baby yesterday Ziva, a perfect little girl who's already stolen my heart. I am so proud of you for not giving up. Look who we would've missed out on. Our daughter is the first miracle I've ever seen. I love you babe."
"Chaya was the first miracle I ever held after you," Ziva told him softly, wishing she'd told him long ago that he had been her proof, the one bright spot in her life that had renewed her hope in the God she thought had abandoned her.
Tony's lips grazed his cheek and he laughed at the single line on a new page. " I have my partner back. All is right with the world." He shrugged. "I guess that about sums it up."
"We are not the same partners that we used to be. I think everything changes once you know that you love someone," Ziva reflected. "We will never approach our jobs and dangerous situations the same way again."
"No, but it never hurts to have the person who knows you best in the world and loves you anyways watching your back," Tony pointed out.
Finally they were down to the last letter and Tony smiled. "This one is only a couple weeks old." She nodded in interest and he began.
"I've never been so glad to see you sleep through the night, or to see that sleepy, satisfied smile on your face. This is what we've been waiting for, the chance for intimacy to be all it can be and more. I know we've got a long way to go yet, but last night was such a huge leap forward in progress. Thank you for the freedom you've given me with your body, for being brave enough to give me pleasure and for making love to me. This is only the beginning sweetheart, for everything else we have the rest of our lives."
"I love you," Ziva murmured, gathering up all the letters and pressing a kiss to the stack. "Thank you for sharing your heart with me. I suspect even after twenty years there will still be things about you that I do not know."
Tony set everything on the floor and wrapped his arms around her. "That goes both ways. And I'm more than willing to start on the rest of our lives right now. What about you?"
Her smile could only be described as seductive when she lay back and pulled him on top of her. "There were a hundred 'I love yous' in those letters. I think it is time you show me."
Tony chuckled and kissed her neck. "Mrs. DiNozzo, that's the best idea I've heard all day."
He leaned down covered her mouth with his, and all Ziva knew for the rest of the time she was awake was the loving tenderness of her husband. She wondered fleetingly if this was what they called happily ever after.
A/N: Well, here it is, the chapter people having been waiting for when Ziva saw Tony's letters at last. If anyone wants a refresher, here is a list of where all his other letters to her, the ones that we've seen before, can be found. Thanks again for all the support and love and encouragement, you guys are awesome!
Two Weeks Later:
Ziva's first discovery of the letters and Tony writes her one - Ch 25
Tony writes letters to Ziva when she sleeps at his apartment because of the nightmares - end of Ch 30 (mentioned, but no actual examples of letters)
Three Months Alive:
background to the letter in Tony's flashback scene - Ch 8 (it was actually a missing part of the chapter, added later in my hard copy but not on FF. The flashback scene starts right where the chapter ends).
Tony's letter to Ziva when he goes back to his apartment after being sick - Ch 26
Six Months Home:
Tony's letter to Ziva the night before their wedding - Ch 19
Letter to Ziva on Day 2 of being parents - Ch 42
Poem to Ziva when she was feeling hopeless + first letter to Chaya - Ch 48