"Perhaps - I want the old days back again and they'll never come back, and I am haunted by the memory of them and of the world falling about my ears." - Margaret Mitchell

Chapter 22

Clary was mounted on Aura, galloping across Brocelind Plain, her mind blank, focusing only on the way the wind whipped about her, and the smooth gait of her horse. She ignored the fact that she'd slipped away from home against her mom's wishes, again. She ignored the fact that a recently worn set of mourning Gear was hanging in her closet. She did not think about the growing frustration she knew Jace felt with her as she avoided his supportive looks and persistent questions. She squashed away the thought of Simon and the sadness in his eyes as he looked at her before Magnus Bane left with him for New York.

Clary pulled Aura up as the crater on the plain came into view. Somewhere, deep in her soul, Clary knew that the only way she would be able to reconcile herself to what had happened that night, almost a week ago on Brocelind Plain would be to return to where it had all happened. Clary closed her eyes and images from the night flashes in her mind. Drawing the destruction rune, the sound of the earth cracking and falling away beneath their feet. The faeries who were pursuing them screaming and falling through the earth to their deaths. The aftermath of the battle then flashes before her, the battlefield littered with bodies, mostly faeries, some werewolves, and a few Shadowhunters, including her Aunt Madeleine.

Clary's heart ached as she remembered the still form of Madeleine, lying dead on Brocelind Plain, her skin white and pale against the black of her Gear. Her angular features were accentuated by the touch of death. Clary had watched as Jocelyn had dropped to her knees beside her best friend of over twenty years, choking on a sob. Hot, wet, sticky dark red blood had coated Jocelyn's hands from the fatal wound in Madeleine's chest. Luke had stooped gently down next to his wife, shut Madeleine's eyes, the last time Clary would ever see the hazel orbs, and helped Jocelyn to stand.

Clary hadn't been able to watch anymore, and had looked away before quickly putting distance between the nightmare before her. The next few days had been a blur, and it wasn't until Clary had watch Madeleine burn the day before that her death really sunk in, but still she had not cried. Clary felt like she didn't deserve to grieve. Madeleine had died because of her. The Seelie Queen had declared war because she wanted Clary, and Jace, and Clary couldn't save her.

Clary dismounted and surveyed the area in front of her. The Clave had yet to decide what to do with the crater, but in all likelihood they would have it magically repaired. It left too much of a disaster zone in the middle of the plain. They would probably erect a monument in commemoration. Clary guessed Magnus Bane would probably return to fix the damage she had made. Maybe he would be able to bring Simon with him for a visit. Simon had only been gone for a couple of days, but Clary missed his friendship, and the distraction he provided, especially as someone who was not a part of her usual world.

Some miles away Jace and Alec were sparring in the training room at the Lightwood Manor, with Isabelle watching on, alternating between heckling and giving advice. Alec was pinned on the mat in the time that it took for Jace to decide that he had had enough of their exercise.

"You never stood a chance, Alec. I don't know what the point is in you two fighting each other, Angel blood boy over here will always win, against anyone," Isabelle pointed out.

"It's good practice, I might learn something from him," Alec pointed out maturely.

A thought passed through Jace's mind, and then he looked slyly at his adopted siblings and said, "I overheard Robert saying something curious to Maryse last night. Apparently Magnus Bane contacted the Consul because the mundane turned up on his doorstep not 24 hours after he returned him to his home. Magnus doesn't want to be stuck as the go between for the mundane and this world."

"Simon," Isabelle corrected Jace with a glare.

"He wants to alter Simon's memories so that he doesn't know where Magnus lives or who he is," Jace continued. "I think he's coming here soon to discuss it further, and to look at fixing Clary's Crater."

He watched them both closely, hoping to see something on Alec's features to give an indication of how his parabatai felt about Magnus visiting, and soon. He was also eager to hear what Isabelle thought of the possibility of Simon's memory being altered, even a little. He could read very little on Alec's face, but Isabelle did not disappoint.

"They can't allow that! The Clave decided that Simon's memories were to remain untouched. He's sworn to keep our existence secret. Of course he's having trouble readjusting back in his life, Magnus is the only one who he can talk to about what's happened to him this last week," Isabelle pointed out hotly. "He's probably worried about Clary too, because face it, we all are."

"Yes, how is Clary? Still in denial?" Alec asked curiously.

"I guess so, we're not talking about what happened," Jace said shortly. "And I'm not talking about it with either of you. She just needs space."

"Be careful Jace, or you'll give her too much space and there will suddenly be a crater between you," Isabelle said ominously, her eyes twinkling at her humorous reference.

"Very funny," Jace said dourly.

"I thought it was," Alec said, smothering a grin.

"How about you two worry about your love lives, I'll take care of myself," Jace told them with a glare. "At least my issues are with a Shadowhunter, you're both interested in people you can never be with."

Alec flushed and Isabelle looked persistently out of the window.

"That's what I thought. Now, fun as this has been, I'm going to take Rocky out for a ride, alone," Jace told them.

"I don't think it counts as alone if you're planning to visit your girlfriend," Isabelle muttered under her breath.

Jace heard her, but didn't bother to reply. At some point one of them just had to let the other have the last word, or they would be their entire lives engaged in lively banter. As it was, they probably already spent a good percentage of their time like that as it was.

Jace saddled Rocky and was soon trotting down the winding drive and out onto the flat grass, spattered with trees that lay in miles between the Lightwood Manor and the Fairchild Manor. Jace didn't often ride alone, usually having Alec, or Isabelle, or both of them with him, or even Max. Jace enjoyed the opportunity the solitary ride gave him to do some thinking. Even though he had brushed off his siblings questions about Clary he was worried about her. He understood her denial, for that was what it was, and he also understood her guilt, but he also knew that she would not survive those feelings for as long as he had, and could. Clary felt everything so keenly that the weight of her emotions would keep crushing down on her until they finally overflowed. The sooner she talked about what she was feeling, and ripped the bandaid off, so to speak, the sooner she'd be able to move on.

At the Fairchild Manor Jace temporarily stabled Rocky, and then made his way to the front of the house, his long legs making quick work of the lawn. Jace knocked and waited. He didn't feel comfortable letting himself in. Maybe down the line that would be appropriate, but he suspected Jocelyn and Luke might resent the over familiarity while he and Clary were in the early days of their relationship.

It only took a minute or so for the door to be opened, and there stood Jon.

"Oh, I thought you might be Clary," Jon said flatly.

"Does Clary have a habit of knocking at her own front door?" Jace asked in amusement, quirking a brow to emphasise the point.

"No," Jon conceded with a small grin. "She's just gone off again without telling where and when she'll be back, so we're kind of anxious."

Jace stepped in through the open door and into the foyer.

"And you didn't just want to use a tracking rune and find her?" Jace asked pointedly. "She can't be in any danger anyway. She used to go riding by herself all the time. What's the big deal?"

Jon then proceeded to give Jace a long, withering look. Jace stood firm under it, not flinching.

"Do I really need to explain? I mean, you've always been kind of a jerk, but I didn't think you were stupid," Jon said dryly. "Izzy did mention you were a little emotionally stunted."

"I'd be careful who you call emotionally stunted, seeing as you haven't been able to pick up on the fact that Iz will never be interested in you," Jace taunted. "Now, fill me in before I lose my patience."

"Well, ever since the battle, and Aunt Madeleine's death, Clary has been shutting everyone out and has been avoiding dealing with her feelings about what's happened," Jon told him.

"I know that," Jace said impatiently.

"And you're okay with that?" Jon asked incredulously.

"Well of course not, but I don't want to force her to talk when she's not ready. I understand that she needs space," Jace replied.

"Well, there's such a thing as too much space," Jon retorted.

"I know that, that's why I was coming to check on her, to see if she's ready to talk," Jace countered superiorly.

"Well if you want any chance at talking to her today, you'd best go out and find her. When she comes home Mom will probably try to make her talk again, Clary will get sullen, say nothing, and then slink off to her room," Jon advised. "Do you need something of hers so you can track her?"

"I think it would be better if I just figure out where she is, I don't want to break whatever trust she has in me by violating her privacy like that," Jace decided.

"Look after her, Jace," Jon instructed seriously from the doorway as Jace left.

Jace merely raised a hand with his thumb up in acknowledgement and headed quickly back to the stables to get Rocky. As he walked he thought. Where would he go if he was Clary? At first he thought of the Morgenstern Manor, but quickly dismissed it when he suddenly knew where she would be.

Jace found her ten minutes later, sitting on the ground near the crater at Brocelind Plain, Aura beside her. She was very still, staring out across the expanse that was the battle field of almost a week ago.

"Hey," Jace said quietly, dismounting Rocky and sitting on the ground beside her.

"Why are you here?" Clary asked flatly.

"I went to your house to see you, and Jon said you'd ridden off somewhere, and I guessed you might be here," Jace explained evenly. He didn't want to be too gentle with her, but he didn't want to be too sarcastic either. If he was gentle, she'd feel like he was treating her differently, and she didn't need that. And sarcasm wasn't an option, even he knew when not to be too hard.

"Yes, I've returned to the scene of the crime," Clary replied bitterly, not looking at him. "I've come to survey my handiwork, and I must say I'm impressed. Nobody would think to look at me that I was such an accomplished killing machine."

"Well, we're all accomplished killing machines," Jace said lightly. "It's what we do."

"We're trained to kill demons, not other beings, who have lives, who we have a treaty with," Clary retorted.

"Actually, I think you'll find that's not true," Jace pointed out quickly. "They broke the treaty, and that's when we are supposed to step in, and do what needs to be done."

"I could have just handed myself over, and saved a lot of bloodshed," Clary pointed out.

"Okay, that's the last time I'm letting you suggest that that was a viable option. Firstly, that probably would have meant Jon and me being handed over too, and you know that would've caused you way too much guilt. Secondly, you're talking about handing us over to the Seelie Queen, and who knows what that cunning wench had planned for us. She probably would have forced us to spill far more blood. Plus, a lot of people would probably have been injured, and died, including people we love, trying to get us back," Jace explained rationally. "So, I get that you'd rather focus on being guilty over the death that occurred at your hands, but I won't let you. You only killed people who were trying to kill us, and people we love. That's self defence, and you were brave, and powerful."

"Fine, I did what I had to do, but don't call me brave and powerful. I was terrified," Clary said shortly.

"Isn't that what bravery is? Doing something even when you're scared?" Jace pointed out in an odd moment of clarity and wisdom. "I've been called brave more times than I can count, but I'm not really brave, I'm hardly ever scared. Alec, he's brave. He scared, but he follows me into battle, and he has my back, regardless of whatever fear he's experiencing. That's bravery."

"Maybe so," Clary said softly, finally meeting Jace's eyes. "You know, if I told him you'd said that, he'd never believe you."

Jace gave a short laugh before realising that she had very nearly managed to sidetrack him.

"Okay, now that that's out of the way, how about we talk about what's really been upsetting you?" Jace asked. "That was all just surface stuff, it's pretty easy to see what's really bothering you."

"Oh great, some psychoanalysis from my know-it-all boyfriend," Clary said harshly, withdrawing her gaze from Jace's.

"Call me all the names you like, I'm better at shutting people out than anyone, I know all the tricks, and I know that it will ruin you if you keep feeling so much hurt without talking," Jace said calmly. "Have you even said it yet?"

"Said what?" Clary asked cautiously.

"That she died. That it hurt, that you miss her," Jace said slowly. "Even if it doesn't show on your face, it's there in your eyes. You need to say it."

"I know she died," Clary said brusquely. "Shadowhunters die all the time, it's expected."

"But never welcome. We don't live our lives waiting for people we love to die," Jace pointed out. "Death is expected, but it still hurts."

Clary was silent, and Jace let her stay that way.

"It hurts," Clary eventually said, her voice choked. "She was here for me, to defend me, if it was anyone else she might have stayed away."

"She was here for you, of course she was, but she was also here to defend Alicante, to defend everything we Nephilim fight for. She was here to fight for those who can't, like Max and Valentina, that's what everyone was here for. We may have been targeted, but that's not why the Nephilim fought, they fought to defend everything that we all are," Jace explained. "Accept that, accept her death was not your fault."

Clary's eyes met Jace's hesitantly, and they were filled with tears.

"How about I say it, and you say it after me?" Jace suggested.

Clary nodded and Jace began, "It was not my fault."

"It was not my fault," Clary echoed.

"Aunt Madeleine died for the cause, not for me," Jace continued.

"Aunt Madeleine died for the cause, not for me," Clary repeated, a sob in her voice.

"I have to go on living, to honour the memory of everyone who fought and died," Jace added.

"I have to go on living, to honour the memory of everyone who fought and died," Clary said, her voice a little stronger.

"I have to let the people who love me in," Jace finished.

"I have to let the people who love me in," Clary said in quiet acceptance.

"You can cry in front of me," Jace told her, watching as she tried to contain her emotions. "It's good to cry, apparently."

Clary's face crumbled and tears started to stream down her face, quiet sobbing noises emitting from her. Jace gently pulled him to her and let her cry.

Clary was not hysterical, but merely let herself cry, to let the emotions she had been holding in out. As she cried, she felt lighter and freer.

After only a few minutes she stopped, dried her face and looked at Jace. She couldn't find a smile, but her eyes said it all – thank you. She turned to look out once more over the crater, a weight gone from her chest.

Jace took her hand and said, "Ave atque vale, Madeleine Bellefleur."

"Ave atque vale, hail and farewell," Clary echoed softly.

Jace gave her a smile she was just able to return.

"I'll try to talk about it," she told him seriously. "But I don't think that will stop me wishing that it hadn't happened, wishing I didn't have the memories of that night. I'm sure I'll get used to it in time, but not just yet."

"That sounds pretty normal to me," Jace agreed.

"Oh dear, I must be insane then, if it's normal to you," Clary said dolefully, a smile playing around her lips.

"Good to see you're back to being able to give me a hard time," Jace said dryly, but he meant it. "Come on, let's get you home."

AN: Thanks for reading! I'm quite please I managed to get this out in just over a week :) I hate to drag angsty stuff like this out for too long, so I decided just to devote this chapter to it. It won't be a heavy theme from now on, but Clary will still of course have moments of sadness over what happened.

Please review :) Happy for suggestions or requests for what you'd like to see next. (Rest assured there will be Malec and Sizzy to come!)