September 21st, 2007

Dear Diary,

As promised, I came back to write some stuff in you, though I wasn't so sure if I would be able to do it by the time Wednesday came around.

Yes, this is the part where I explain what happened.

Edward and Rosalie broke up. As in, they're not dating anymore. As in… they ended their relationship.

Angela was the one who told me when we were having lunch. She turned to me and said, while grinning widely, "You'll never guess who broke up."

So I figured, "Lauren and Tyler? Yeah, I hear he's gay."

So Angela shook her head, smiling at my stupidity. "Edward and Rosalie," she affirmed, in a staged whisper.

And I was like… you're shitting me, right? Because there's no way they would break up.

But, apparently, they did break up.

Officially.

As in… they ended their relationship.

And I'm so fucking ecstatic it's not even funny. But does that mean that things are going to change? Of course not. I'm still a little girl to him, and, unfortunately (Angela disagrees with me, here) he will always see me as a little girl, his best friend's little sister.

But who am I kidding? I love that he talks about things with my brother. Things that Emmett reveals when he thinks I'm not listening. So I do like, in fact, that he's my brother's best friend.

But that was not the highlight of my week. He actually spoke to me on Monday, at 3:04 PM, and yes, I checked the time to make sure it was accurate. He actually talked to me, not stared, like he sometimes does, which makes it seem like he doesn't know what I am and he's trying to figure me out.

It wasn't anything sort of special – he just asked me if I had an extra pencil when we were in the hallway. I didn't have one at the time, and for that I berate myself. I always have too many pencils and pens in my backpack, so why didn't I have any to offer him? That way, he would have something of mine touching his hands, secretly seeing him every time he opened his backpack, hearing his conversations.

And his smile when he asked, "Bella, do you have an extra pencil?" was simply divine. How could I have forgotten how ridiculously beautiful his smile was? Maybe that's because I'm always looking at his eyes.

You guessed right, they're green. But not just common green. They're grayish green, just… beautiful.

And yes, I'm a swoony bitch.

But the best part was when I told him I didn't have one. He simply shrugged and said, "It's okay. Thanks, anyway," and smiled like he had just won a trophy.

But, again, I'm a swoony bitch and I have quite the imagination.

Let's not talk about Jacob, shall we?

Okay, now that I've written about him, I think you have the right to know what he was. He was one of my first crushes. The kind of guy you find "eh" at the beginning, but when you get to know him and he smiles at you one night when you are drunk, you think, wait, there's something there.

And there was, but only on my part. And I had been so caught up in my fantasy that I didn't realize it was all in my head. I was no different than Lauren or Angela. I was just no Leah.

But, of course, like the stubborn (replace this by any other repulsive trait you might find) creature I am, I continued "loving" him; doing everything I could to keep his attention away from the I-am-aggressive-as-shit-and-I-don't-like-anyone attention freak he was dating. I mean, really?

And then, one day, I realized something. If he was with her, then he didn't love me at all. What the fuck was I doing?

So I stopped. Talking to him, looking at him… Everything.

But did that work?

No. Not until Edward Cullen, the guy from Chicago, arrived in town with his sister and parents.

At first, I was like "eh". Of course, I hadn't even seen him before. Because when I did… the world stopped spinning. And no, I'm not going to say something funny and/or ironic to ruin that sentence. Because my world did stop spinning.

Geez, can you imagine if I'm dead and someone finds this and reads it? I will probably be embarrassed. Well, probably not, since I'll be dead.

But, trying to stay on topic… THEY BROKE UP.

So now I'll be able to look at him without being afraid of Rosalie finding out. I can now talk to him on a daily basis (if I have the guts to do it) and now I'll finally make him realize how happy he could be with me.

Yeah, right.

I'll just probably do my homework and pretend I'm not hurting inside one more time. Someday, I swear he'll notice me. And not just like a little sister, but a woman.

I swear.

B.S.

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