Elliot awoke to the smell of coffee - stretching he reached out and frowned, noticing that Olivia was no longer in bed with him. He sat up and climbed out of bed, picking up the coffee cup. Realising that it was almost cold, he felt a pang of concern that Olivia must have left the room some time ago.
After quickly glancing in the bathroom, he pulled on his clothes from the night before, grabbed the room key, and headed out.
He was struck with the heat as soon as he left the room - which didn't bode well for the rest of the day if Olivia intended to drive for any considerable distance, because the car was old and the air conditioning was not working well. He sighed, wishing she had chosen a cooler climate - the Arizona heat was not something that made long car journeys any easier.
It took Elliot around ten minutes to locate Olivia, who was sitting at a table in the small cafe next to the motel. He sighed, feeling relieved, and wasted no time entering and then taking the seat opposite her.
"You should have woke me, what time is it?"
"Around ten - I haven't had that much sleep in a long time," she said.
"How long have you been up?"
"An hour or so, I just wanted to take a walk before the heat picks up,"
Looking up, she frowned at the concerned look he bore.
"El, what is it?"
"You took a walk for an hour? Dont you think I would have been worried if I had woken up before this and not known where you were?"
Olivia sighed, "El, I need some time alone - it doesn't mean I'm not going to come back. Why can't you trust me?"
"I do trust you Liv, you know that, but you're going through something and I'm concerned about you."
"So you trust me, but not really," Olivia sighed, "great, Elliot."
"Olivia - taking off for an hour without telling me - you don't see why that would worry me?"
"Elliot - I liked lying with you last night - I slept so well, and it felt…" she looked away, hesitating slightly about voicing her admission, "right... and I want that...but I don't want to be..."
"You don't want to be what, Olivia?" Elliot said, the annoyance not lost on her.
"I am not going to tell you my every move - I left New York because...I couldn't breathe there anymore...I need you to trust me," she paused reaching across the table and placing her hand over his, "I am not going to walk away from you El."
Elliot squeezed her hand, and looked at her - he knew it was important that she could see he trusted her, but on some level he was scared that she would take off and leave.
"Look - we're an hour from a larger town - we can go there, you can pick up some more clothes and the basics that you need, then we can go somewhere….together. First though...I really need you to talk to me."
Olivia looked far from appeased by the offer of clothes shopping if the condition came attached with a difficult conversation. She released her hand from his and sat back in her chair.
"Fine," she said, folding her arms, "you'd better order some coffee then."
With a pot of coffee soon in front of them, Elliot's eyes fell on Olivia. She was clearly uncomfortable with the concept of talking about how she was feeling, but he knew it was important.
Elliot cast a glance toward her coffee, a question forming on his lips.
"What's wrong?" she said, tensing.
"You didn't eat much last night - did you have breakfast?"
"I had some toast, I'm not starving myself, Elliot," she said, annoyed with his probing.
"I didn't suggest that, but Liv, you clearly aren't eating enough - you've lost weight. You just need to look after yourself a bit more. Particularly in this heat - it's hard going."
"I'll make sure I eat three times a day then - that OK? she said indignantly.
"Liv, I'm not trying to piss you off - I just want to help you..."
"I know," she said quietly.
"You must have spent some time thinking about what you're gonna do in all this time that you've been gone - you must have considered that you have to go home eventually…"
"Why? I turned my gun and badge in, and I can put my papers in without being there,"
"So you're going to throw your whole career away and then do what?" Elliot said, realising the harder edge to his voice, but knowing that Olivia wasn't going to talk unless he pushed her.
Olivia sighed and tensed, meeting his eyes, "I don't want to have this conversation, can we just drop it,"
"No! You can't just drop it - Olivia, you've scared the hell out of me and everyone else who cares about you, and you are going to damn well have this conversation - you owe me that much!"
Olivia sat back in her chair and looked at him, she was clearly uncomfortable with being pushed to talk, and was growing rapidly irritated. Elliot could see that he had got to her with that statement though - he knew he had her then.
"Ok Elliot," she said defensively, "what is it you plan to do to fix me, then?"
Elliot looked at her exasperated, "I don't have any plan Liv, I'm not telling you how to fix this - you just need to work through what happened, and figure out what you're gonna do. You can't do this indefinitely, motels and gas are gonna eat into our money pretty fast, and sleeping in your car is not option any more with two of us - and I'm not going anywhere."
Olivia sighed and looked at him, a hint of sadness in her eyes, "El, I told you before...you have a family and a job. How long are you really planning on staying with me?"
"What? Are you seriously asking me that? I told you I wasn't going back to New York without you Olivia, I am being honest with you!"
"El...you can't just stay with me...if I don't go back. You need to see your kids, you need to work...you can't be on vacation time indefinitely."
"Stop doing this Olivia - stop trying to push me away. I have barely slept since you left - I love you and I am not leaving you. You have to go back eventually - you have an apartment, friends...people who consider you family. You don't think you're being selfish to just disappear on the people who care about you, and not go back?"
Elliot regretted his words as soon as he had said them, he knew he had pushed her too far. He hadn't even meant it - he was just angry and exasperated.
She stood up abruptly, her chair scraping back against the hard stone floor.
"Screw you Elliot," she said quietly as she made no effort to hide her tears.
He sighed as he watched her storm past the table and shove the door open. He wanted badly to get up and follow her, but he knew she was way too pissed at him to listen to anything else he had to say to her right then.
He only left his chair when eventually she left his line of sight - getting up and throwing some change on the table he sighed in frustration, partly annoyed at himself for not handling the conversation very well, but also frustrated that he had not really achieved anything - his attempt to talk to her only resulting in upsetting her more...
He noticed her stop as she shoved the keycard into the motel room door. Her actions were too quick, laced with her anger, and she was only growing further annoyed when the red light of the door lock continually flashed at her.
"Damn it, open!" she said.
Elliot watched her for a moment, then walked over and placed his hands over hers, feeling a pang of guilt to find her hands shaking. He squeezed gently, hoping that his actions would reassure her.
"I'm sorry Liv, that's not how I planned that to go, I shouldn't have said it," he whispered as he moved closer behind her, placing a kiss on her cheek. His hands stilled on hers, as he felt her trembling under his touch.
"Let me," he said, as he took her shaking hands and guided her slowly, the keycard easing in and pulling out much more slowly. Olivia blinked back tears - the feel of his body so close to hers stilled her - her shaking began to ease, and as the green light appeared, Elliot pushed the door open, and stepped around her. Taking her hand, he led her inside.
As soon as the door was closed she faced him, the anger and hurt in her eyes striking him at once.
She stood in front of him, watching him warily, "Elliot...right now, I am not sure whether I want to slap you or kiss you...I'm angry, but I love you so damn much….do you know how confusing that is?"
Elliot stepped forward and ran his fingertips lightly down the side of her face, cupping her chin as he stepped forward, "let me make it simple for you then," he said.
Olivia closed her eyes as he leaned in and kissed her - she responded immediately, sliding her arms up and pulling him closer as his tongue slid into her mouth.
Elliot slowly roamed his hands across her back, the feel of her body close against his was something he was beginning to crave. He needed her - he wanted to move her over to the bed, and lay down on top of her, touching, tasting, and exploring her in ways that he had only imagined before. He felt utterly torn...she was beyond upset with him just moments before, and but now she was relaxing into his embrace. He knew that taking things a step further when she was feeling so conflicted about everything was not the right time. He didn't want to go too fast and leave her regretting their relationship.
Olivia pulled away suddenly, stepping back. she took a deep breath and stared at him.
"How could you say that to me? I wasn't thinking about myself - I wasn't thinking about consequences or..or anything," she said, her voice trembling," all I felt was despondent - all I wanted to do was get away - get as far away as possible. I don't feel anything except...incapable...do you understand?"
Elliot stepped closer to her, "No I don't, so tell me."
"I let her down - she had been through hell, and her life shouldn't have ended like that - I was standing right in front of her - so close to her, and I thought I was going to get through to him - what happens in the next situation? I don't have faith in myself that I won't let the next victim down."
"We don't always win Liv...I wish to God we did, but you know what? We do a hell of a lot of good. You've made a difference to so many victims - and you can help so many more…"
"I'm just...scared of letting another victim down, Elliot," she said quietly.
He pulled away and looked into her eyes, "Sit down Liv, you really gotta work this out, you know that, don't you?"
Olivia nodded and sat on the bed, their bodies separating but their hands remaining .
intertwined.
Elliot next to her, leaving just enough space that they could look at each other and talk comfortably. He fought the urge to kiss her - sitting on a bed, so close to her - all he wanted to do was hold her and touch her.
"Liv...let me suggest something, OK?"
She looked at him silently and nodded.
"Let's pick somewhere to stay - for two weeks...then we go back to New York...pick stuff up from your apartment, and go in and see Cragen, work something out where you can take more time while you think about things. You can see Munch and Fin - reassure Munch that you haven't been abducted by some covert government agency…"
Elliot felt considerably more positive as he noticed the smile that Olivia couldn't prevent forming.
"I should call him...who knows what he is making of this, I bet he thinks I'm on a mission for the CIA and you've joined my secret OP," she said, with a slight smile.
"Or you've been abducted by the CIA who brainwashed you so you could lure me into a trap," Elliot said looking quite serious.
Olivia laughed, and Elliot joined right in - it warmed him to see her look happy - her laugh was something that always made him feel that much brighter, even on his darkest days. He wanted so much to see her get that joy back inside her - that he had seen more often when they were off duty and spending time together outside of work. He loved seeing that side of her and wanted her to get that back again.
Still smiling, he let go of her hand and ran it through her hair slowly.
"You miss Munch?"
"Yeah, I mean he's nuts sometimes," Olivia laughed, "but yeah..he and Fin, they've been part of my life for so long...yeah I do," she said with a sad smile.
"Give them a call Liv," Elliot whispered.
"This your way of reminding me that I miss my friends?"
"Is it working?" he said with a slight smile.
Olivia sighed, "Sort of. Pass me the phone."
Will it help Liv to talk to Munch and Fin? Next chapter will be ready very soon.