Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of its characters. Those would be the property of Ryan Murphy, Fox and so on and so forth.

Author's Note:

Howdy, guys! Sorry again for the delay, but I've been sick, working and caught up in reading like every Klaine fic known to mankind! Seriously…so much Klaine ficccc! There are some crazy amazing stories out there, believe you me. Anyways, how have we all been doing? Hating me for taking so damn long? I don't blame you in the slightest.

Fair warning about this chapter, there may be some triggers, so just go in with your minds prepared! Well, obviously your minds are already prepared after reading this crazy story. ;D It's some messed up shit, I know. -.^ But that's just how I roll. =) Anyways, I'm glad to be back again to bring you what I hope is a much desired Chapter 23. As always, I look forward to reading your wonderful feedback!

Much love!

-Casey

Chapter 23. "Give Me the Strength to Lie"

"Is that your plan, Blaine? Is it? Pretend that none of it ever happened? How long can you pretend Blaine? Sooner or later, it's going to come back and hit you ten-fold. What then? If you ask me, I think it's the stupidest thing you've ever thought of!"

Kurt had been shouting his voice hoarse for the past five minutes. His lovely counter tenor voice was steadily growing non-existent and cracking at every few syllables. Blaine just sat on his bed allowing the love of his life to chew him out. He deserved it, he knew it and as much as he didn't want to admit it, Kurt was in fact, right. Blaine wouldn't give in so easily, though. He wanted things back to the way they were before. He was meant to be the strong one and he wouldn't give up his façade without a damn good fight. He did wish that Kurt would stop screaming, though. The harshness and volume of his tone was actually scaring him, but he wouldn't show it.

"Kurt, I'm sorry," Blaine offered softly. So softly in fact, it was a miracle that Kurt could even catch it over his insane ranting, but alas, he did. He ceased his shouting and stared at Blaine silently for a moment.

"You're sorry? What are you sorry for?"

"Everything. I know that all of this has had to have taken its toll on you and I'm sorry you've had to endure all of it. You've been forced to go through so much that you've deluded yourself into thinking that I'm still weak when it's apparent that I'm better. Even ask my mom, Kurt she'll tell you-"

"Because you've tricked her like you've been tricking everyone else!" Kurt interrupted. "Not me, Blaine. You can't fool me."

"I'm not trying to fool you, Kurt."

Blaine could sense that the calmness of his tone and how he had remained so collected throughout all of this was beginning to frustrate Kurt even further. He watched as Kurt had stopped his pacing and fell into the chair he had been sitting in before, sending all of the sheet music tumbling to the floor. Blaine felt his heart thundering in his chest; he hated lying to Kurt, but it was necessary. He couldn't keep expecting Kurt to pick up his broken pieces; he had done that enough already. Blaine couldn't be weak anymore, he wouldn't allow himself to be.

The boys sat in silence as Kurt fumed, opening his mouth on several times but seemed to think better about his words before promptly pressing his lips together. He didn't want to say anything that he would regret later, so he sat silently trying to piece the right words together. As much as he wanted to continue shouting to try and penetrate the wall that Blaine had built between them, he had to remember that behind that wall Blaine was still that fragile boy that he had been before he had been shot. He decided that the shouting wasn't worth the damage that it could potentially cause.

"Blaine," He began after what seemed like a century. "I admire that you want to make it seem like everything is OK and that you want to be strong, but the way that you're going about it is wrong. You even convinced your mom to cancel your therapy sessions," Kurt caught Blaine's look of shock before he continued.

"Yeah, she told me, Blaine. Last week you charmed her into getting rid of your therapist and I'm beyond disappointed in you for that. You need to talk to someone about this, Blaine. You can't just bury all of this inside and not expect consequences. I love you too much to let you do that to yourself."

Blaine just smirked and shook his head at Kurt. "Kurt, I don't know why you're so bothered by this. I'm flattered that you deem me such a wonderful actor, but really, I'm fine. In what way don't I look OK?" Blaine asked, throwing his arms out for emphasis.

Kurt narrowed his eyes and stared unblinkingly into Blaine's.

"Your eyes."

"What about my eyes?" Blaine inquired calmly.

"I know your eyes Blaine. I can tell when you're lying to me and normally they're so full of life and they sparkle when you smile and when you laugh. Right now, they're hollow. When you smile, the life isn't there. When you laugh or pretend to laugh anyway, they're dead. Your laughter doesn't even sound right. Your smile is dry and lacks true emotion…do you want me to keep going, Blaine?"

"I'd rather you didn't."

Blaine gave off the appearance as if Kurt's words didn't even affect him; when truly they tore him up inside. Kurt knew him better than he knew himself and he was a fool to even think that he could deceive Kurt, but he just couldn't stop.

"Deep down, you know I'm right, Blaine. You aren't yourself, no matter how much you think you are and I know you're still in there. I can see the boy I love in those eyes; he's scared, alone and doesn't want to lie anymore. The boy I love is honest and I know he would admit that he needs help when he truly needs it."

'No he wouldn't. He'd try to be proud and he'd certainly do a whole better at hiding his weakness from you like he's done in the past. He would never hurt you like this. He'd never have let you feel this way,' Blaine thought to himself as Kurt studied him, waiting for his response.

"He would if he needed the help and he doesn't. He's the boy you fell in love with, Kurt, I assure you. Now can we please get off of this topic and get back to getting you a song for Regionals? Please?"

Kurt glared at him for a moment, but soon his scowl relaxed into a frown of defeat.

"This isn't over Blaine Anderson. I don't want to let this go-"

"Of course you don't," Blaine teased, earning another scowl from Kurt.

"I'll let it go for now but I'm going to leave it with this: I think you're lying to me because you're too scared and proud to admit that you're not OK, but it looks like I'm just talking to a brick wall right now. Just know that this isn't over," Kurt warned.

Blaine grinned and reached out to take Kurt's hand in his own.

"Thank you, Kurt. Thank you for caring so much and loving me more than I deserve. Now let's find you the perfect song, huh?"

Kurt still remained at odds after that, but he soon relaxed, which in turn helped Blaine relax. He'd just have to step up his game that much more to prove to Kurt that he was as OK as he swore he was. He just needed to be stronger.

After a few hours, Kurt had announced his approval and disapproval for over 100 songs and they still hadn't selected one, but it was steadily growing later and later.

Kurt yawned and glanced over at the clock with his arms raised in a much needed stretch. He felt stiff from all of the time he spent leaning over paper after paper that he had spread all throughout the floor of Blaine's bedroom. His eyes widened as his eyes caught sight of the alarm clock on Blaine's nightstand.

"Damn it! Is it really that late already? I gotta go," Kurt yelped as he began to scramble the sheet music together to throw into his bag.

Blaine took in the time as well. Burt wouldn't be too pleased having Kurt home so late on a school night. Fortunately Kurt had the good news about the solo to tell him, so maybe that would cushion the blow a little bit. Kurt managed to pack up in record time and ran down the stairs with Blaine in tow. It had become practice that they were now to walk each other to their respective cars, that was a promise that Kurt had made Blaine promise in return. Sure, Karofsky and Azimio were in jail, but Kurt wasn't willing to take another chance.

Before Kurt got into his car, he turned and placed a hand on Blaine's shoulder as he leaned in slowly to kiss him softly.

At first Blaine was hesitant as he always was with kisses, but this was Kurt. He knew that this wasn't the same as it had been with Karofsky and the sooner he learned that again, the better. Plus, he wasn't doing his façade any favors by being afraid of kissing his boyfriend. So, with that thought, he returned the kiss with added fervor. He wrapped his arms around Kurt's neck, pulling him in closer as he threaded on hand through Kurt's hair. It was too much, too fast and Blaine knew that, but he couldn't stop himself from attempting to convince Kurt that he was himself again. The old him did this all the time, but they hadn't shared a kiss like this since he'd been back.

Kurt chuckled as he pulled away from the kiss. "Slow down, tiger. You'll see me in a day or two."

Blaine grinned sheepishly in response and gave Kurt a final gentle peck on his nose just like he used to always do.

Kurt smiled at the familiarity of the gesture.

"I know that we talked about this and while my opinion remains unchanged, I will say this: I missed that," Kurt stated regarding the kisses.

With that said, he was out the door, in his car and driving off to face a most likely very displeased Burt.

After making sure Kurt got to his car safely, Blaine shut the door with a soft click and made his way back upstairs to his room.

After kicking the door shut behind him, he fell back onto his bed to think.

He had had a very close shave with Kurt. Had he really been that weak that Kurt could see right through it? No, stupid, he loves you. He knows you better than you know yourself and it goes to show that he would see right through this obvious lie of yours, you moron! Blaine shut his eyes trying to shut off his inner monologue. It was right, though. Kurt did love him and knew when he was lying. It was going to take ten times the strength to convince Kurt out of everyone that everything was fine.

He sat up from his bed with a sudden revelation. If he was going to try to hide his fear, he needed to learn to control it. No therapist was going to be able to do that for him. He could hardly believe that he hadn't considered this from the very beginning. Deep down, he knew why not: it was stupid, irresponsible, reckless, you name it. Right now it seemed like the best and only option and he was going to take it. Blaine from 4 months ago would never have approved of this, but this Blaine was all for it.

He stood up from the bed and slowly but surely made his way to the door. He pulled it open with a soft creak, hoping that his mom wasn't lurking around waiting for him to emerge. He breathed a soft sigh of relief when the hallway was discovered to be dormant. He quietly made his way to the bathroom and shut the door behind him as softly as he could and despite his shaking hands, managed to twist the lock on the door. Now it was time to set off for his desired destination: the medicine cabinet.

On the drive home, Kurt had plenty of time to think about Blaine. Didn't Blaine realize what he was doing to himself? He cancelled his therapy sessions for God's sake! Did he expect all the problems to just disappear in a cloud of smoke? Blaine was many things: gorgeous, polite, dapper, charming, romantic, and a complete and total goober, but stupid was never one of them and he hoped it wouldn't make its way onto the list.

Kurt had made his decision. The next time he saw Blaine he was going to make him admit that he was lying to everyone and make him talk to him. If he refused therapy, the least he could do was tell Kurt what was bothering him. Blaine needed someone even if he believed that he didn't and Kurt was going to be that someone. He loved him with everything he was and he wasn't going to let him do this alone. He couldn't get mad at him for that could he? Even if he did end up mad, at least he'd be showing an honest emotion. That's all Kurt wanted: Blaine to be honest with himself and those around him.

Before long, Kurt found himself pulling into his driveway and what awaited him was more or less expected. Burt was sitting outside on the lawn swing with his arms crossed looking less than thrilled to see Kurt coming home so late.

Kurt dreaded it, but he knew he had to get out of the car and face the music.

"Hi dad," He greeted shyly.

"Hey kid. Do you have the time? My clock must be busted."

Kurt swallowed and bit his lip. "I'm sure your clock isn't busted, dad. I know I'm home late."

Burt didn't respond, he simply sat staring up at Kurt from the swing awaiting an explanation.

Kurt sighed and dropped his messenger bag onto the ground before joining his dad on the swing.

"I was at Blaine's," He began, licking his lips to add some moisture to them. "We were looking for a song for me to sing for Regionals. I finally got a solo for competition."

Burt's scowl lightened up slightly after hearing that, but waited to Kurt to continue.

"Blaine...he's just not doing so well, dad. I worry about him now more than I have in the past. He's—he's lying to everyone about how he's feeling and…he cancelled his therapy, dad and we got into a fight about how he's been acting. Well, more like I was yelling at him and he was just taking it and-" Kurt was rambling and he couldn't stop.

Burt's arms found their way around his son and Kurt gratefully fell into the comforting embrace. He couldn't seem to get a handle on the emotions he was feeling. One minute he wanted to cry and sob until he physically couldn't anymore and the next he wanted to drive back to Blaine's house just so he could scream at him some more.

"I just don't know what to do right now, dad. Blaine is pretending that everything is normal when it's so abundantly clear that it isn't."

Burt finally spoke up as he rubbed calming circles on Kurt's back.

"Blaine's going through a rough time right now, Kurt. While his decision to cancel his therapy is not admirable, he's trying to cope with what's happened in the only way it sounds like he knows how. The best thing you can do right now is to just be there for him. If it helps, I'll talk to his dad about the cancelled therapy. In the meantime, I want you to make me a promise, kid."

Kurt sat up, wiping away a few tears of frustration off of his face and waited for his father to continue.

"I want you to promise me that if you find yourself staying out late for whatever reason, you pick up the phone and call me. Westerville is a hell of a drive, Kurt and I want to know you're safe. Deal?"

"Deal. Thanks dad," Kurt replied with a smile. Burt always knew what to say to make Kurt not feel like life as he knew it was over. He would talk to Mr. Anderson about the therapy and he just knew that he was going to help Blaine get through this. Everything was going to be all right.

After a long, hot shower and his moisturizing routine, Kurt was finally ready to crawl into bed and finish up the last of his homework. Before anything, he sent Blaine a quick text.

I'm sorry for losing my cool today, honey. I just worry, you know that. I didn't mean to sound so awful. I love you. ~Kurt BornThisWay~

It was a fascinating sight: the color, the sensation…he felt like he was floating. The guilt, the fear, everything was just melting away.

Blaine watched as the razor made the neatest incisions on his arm as he dragged the sharp instrument across his skin for the third time. He wasn't cutting deep enough to cut a vein; just enough to feel something other than the guilt and fear that had been plaguing his mind day and night. The sensation was simply euphoric. As soon as the razor had slashed across his skin, he felt like a weight had been lifted from his chest. All of the pressure he had been feeling was gone and replaced with the pain in his arm. He could hardly believe the simple transfer as he watched the blood trickle slowly from the incision. On the one hand he could hardly believe that he'd done it, but on the other he was glad that he had.

What had initially helped him prepare to make the first cut was that inane inner monologue:

This will make everything go away: all of the pain, the guilt, the memories...all of it will be gone. You just need to feel something else. You need to feel and this is the only way you'll be strong enough to hide the truth from everyone; plus, you deserve this pain. You've been lying to Kurt, the most important person in your life; you need to be punished for it. Karofsky's not here to take you over his knee like you really deserve, so this will have to do.

That alone had gotten Blaine through the initial anxiety of what he was about to do. He knew he needed this and he deserved it. That thought alone had relaxed him and gave him the courage to just do it. He ignored everything in his head that had attempted to stop him. All of his preconceived notions about self mutilation went straight out the window as he continuously convinced himself that it was the right decision. At the same time, a tiny voice that sounded coincidentally like Kurt was also screaming at him:

What the hell do you think you're doing? This isn't going to help! Marring your skin? Losing blood? How is that going to help anything? Stop what you're doing right now! This isn't the way! The old you would never have even considered doing something as crazy as this, Blaine! Stop this right now!

Blaine's inner monologue had shut that voice up quick enough. The need to do this far outweighed the voice's command over him. Just seeing the red rivulets of blood dripping down his arm was enough for him to know that this was the only way he was going to be all right. It would give him the strength to convince everyone that he was all right. The less pain he felt inside, the better he could focus on the lie. They would all see; he'd show them how much he had healed. Everything was going to be all right.

Just as he was about to go for a 4th cut, his phone vibrated in his pocket, startling him. The razor dropped out of his hand as he picked up the towel he had pulled out of the closet prior to the cutting and wiped away at the blood. Underneath the gruesome sight of the blood, the cuts didn't look that bad. His skin was pink and inflamed around the marks and the cuts were lightly oozing a fresh line of red. He stared in fascination for a moment as he silently convinced himself that three was enough for tonight and there would be plenty of time for more when he needed it.

He placed the towel back on his arm to staunch the light blood flow as he recovered an ace bandage out of the cabinet. He gingerly wrapped it around his arm and fastened it in place. In his Dalton Blazer no one would see the bandage and would be none the wiser. If anyone happened to see it, he could just claim that he walked into a rose bush or something. Countless excuses made their way to his brain before he remembered what stopped him from cutting in the first place; he had a text. He used the towel to wipe up a few drops of blood from the floor and rinsed the razor before replacing it in the cabinet.

Floating in almost a dream-like state, he silently made his way back to his room and collapsed onto his bed to read the text:

I'm sorry for losing my cool today, honey. I just worry, you know that. I didn't mean to sound so awful. I love you. ~Kurt BornThisWay~

Blaine bit his lip at the message. He didn't want Kurt to worry anymore, couldn't he see that? He let his fingers type away at a quick reply before rolling over and allowing his head to hit the soft white fabric of the pillows. How could he have not thought of this sooner? He felt better than he had in months, even before all of this nightmare had started. If he'd started self-harm ages ago, who knows how much better he could have accomplished things in the past? Well, it didn't matter now, all he could do was continue to fix things for the future. With a slightly accomplished smile, he fell into a deep and much needed sleep.

You have no reason to worry, my love. I've got it all taken care of. I'll show you how OK I am. You'll see. I love you so much! ~Blaine

Oh, Blaine, what are you doing? I know, I know, I am entirely too mean. Or is that really what you think of little ol' me? ;D Reviews tell me everythiiiiing. So definitely leave me one so that I can know the inner workings of your brains…cuz that's not creepy at all, right? ;P

Thanks for reading guys, I look forward to hearing from you as always and hope to see you sooner than later for Chapter 24!

-Casey