Chapter Twenty: Blame

They sat at the train station for hours. The first train to the Vinkus was booked solid. It was well into the next day by the time they boarded the train. Elphaba had everything she'd ever owned with her and still carried only two bags. It was strange, how little she'd amassed in this lifetime. "Tell me we aren't sharing a compartment."

"We are. But it's a larger one with two small beds."

"That'll suffice." Of course, with all he was doing for her, she really should be kinder to him. And maybe she owed him. She didn't want to owe him, but suddenly she found herself alone in the world with no one but him to rely on. "Fiyero, if you want me… I don't know how to repay you."

"I'm going to pretend I only heard the second half of that statement." He opened their compartment and shook his head. "That is not how I want you. And believe me, I do want you."

"You're going to want to talk about this now, aren't you?" She put her bags down and sat on her bed. "And I'm trapped here with you for thirty-six hours and I have no choice."

He laughed. "Elphaba, I would love to talk to you about this. But I don't want to now, actually. Because you just made it very clear you think that you need to do something for me. I don't want you in that frame of mind when we talk about this."

"You may never have another chance, you know." She didn't intend to stay at Kiamo Ko forever – just the summer. She'd stay in her dorm during the holidays and the moment she graduated she'd find herself something. Elphaba didn't like the idea of living off of someone else, and she knew the longer she stayed with Fiyero, the more tempted she'd be to get dragged into him. And as nice as it sounded, it wasn't her plan. It wasn't the life she had wanted and she didn't think she'd ever think completely clearly again if she stayed.

"I already knew that. But this isn't about me; it's about you being ready for this conversation. I know I haven't been completely patient when it comes to this, but I'm trying."

She stared at him, unable to remember a time when anyone had bothered to be patient with her, to understand her. Glinda had always had an uncanny ability to know what she had done, how she felt, but she'd never quite known how to handle her the way Fiyero had. Not that she needed handling, per say, but he… he fit her. That was the only way to describe it. Her whole life she'd been living alone and afraid and then he made her realize there was another option. It was an option she refused to take, but it was a comforting thought. "You are… you deserve better than me, Fiyero. And you'll find it."

He just looked at her sadly. "Oh, Fae, you don't really believe that, do you? Your father brainwashed you into thinking you're not good enough. You're too good, Elphaba, and I couldn't ask for better."

"This whole fake relationship has brainwashed you."

"We're not going to talk about this now, remember?" Fiyero took a deep breath and sat down. "Elphaba, you were basically just disowned by your father. I know you weren't fond of him, but that couldn't have been easy."

"I kind of asked for it, Fiyero."

"You didn't, though. If that had been Nessa, he wouldn't have gone off like that."

"Oh, please don't put that image into my head." She winced.

"Seriously, Elphaba. He was just glad to have an excuse. You gave him one. He'd have found another eventually."

"I was a little eager to give him one, though."

"I don't think you realized how far it would go. And you wanted revenge for the way he's treated you all of your life. I can't blame you."

"What are you going to tell your parents when we show up unannounced?"

"I'll tell me father that I asked you to marry me and you agreed and we came to tell them and begin planning our wedding. I'll tell my mother that there was a conflict with your family and you need somewhere to stay."

"So we're pushing up the fake engagement?"

"Yes. If you're comfortable with that." He began digging through his bag. "I don't know if it'll fit you, but this was my great-grandmother's and we can find something else if it doesn't fit you quite right. Ah, here it is." Fiyero handed her a small box.

"I couldn't possibly take a ring like that, Fiyero." She thrust the box back at him

"Try it on, at least?" He insisted, opening it and removing the small silver and sapphire ring from its holding place.

"Only because I owe you."

He slid the ring on her finger and smiled. "It's a perfect fit."

She gulped. "Please take it back."

"You said you liked sapphires," he teased.

If she had known that his great-grandmother's wedding ring had sapphires in it, she would've said anything else. "I'm not keeping this."

"But you'll wear it for now?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"You have to let me win sometimes." He smiled gently.

"Fine."

The next morning, she woke to find him beside her, his arm draped lazily around her waist. She was fairly certain that wasn't how they'd fallen asleep. He hadn't even been in her bed last night, as far as she recalled. Elphaba poked him. "Fiyero, what are you doing?"

He looked at her. "You don't remember? Well, you were half asleep. You were shaking, kept having nightmares and bolting upright. One of the times you woke up crying. I came over to calm you down and to keep the tears from hurting your skin and you basically threw yourself into my arms without a word and went back to sleep. After that, you slept fine." He kissed her forehead. "I didn't mean to startle you."

"No, it's fine." They'd never shared a bed, at least not while they were actually sleeping. "I get nightmares on occasion, strange visions. I'm almost surprised it hasn't come up before when I've slept in your room."

"Always the same nightmare?"

"I don't really remember it, but yes, I think so. I get this feeling every time like it's happened before."

"Do you remember anything?"

"Shoes. I know that sounds crazy, but shoes."

He raised his eyebrows. "That does sound a bit crazy. You're not the type of girl to cry over shoes."

"That would be Glinda."

"Speaking of… Elphaba, when we get back to Shiz, you should sort things out with her. You need a friend, especially after what happened with your father. And I'm more than willing to be your friend, but I think we both know there are things we don't talk about – mostly about us, actually – and you need a friend who doesn't have the kind of, well, tension we have between us."

He was right. "I know. I just… I don't know what to tell her. She thinks I was wrong."

"Wrong about what?"

"She's mad at me for what I've done with you, Fiyero. You know that. She's mad at you, too. She thinks…"

"She thinks we're in love," he finished for her.

"She does. And she's also the only one who knows that this has all been a lie. We expected her to go along with it even though I knew she didn't like it. That wasn't fair to her."

"Tell her that, Elphaba. You don't have to say you were wrong, or even decide if you were, but you need to tell her you realize that you went about it badly."

"I can do that," she decided.

"And what about Nessa? And Nanny? Because I don't know how much your father will tell them, but they share an adjoining room with you and you've just been kicked out of the home you shared with them. I get the feeling that might make things a bit uncomfortable."

She hadn't thought about it. "Father will probably tell Nanny, mostly because he'll blame her, assume that I did what I did under her watch. Nanny isn't going to do anything about us, if that's what you're worried about. I know she's supposed to chaperone me, but I've always been one to take care of myself and she knows that. I doubt Father will tell Nessa. He might be tempted to, because he's always resented the way she looked up to me, but he won't want to corrupt her or upset her."

"He'll have to tell her something."

"There's no way to know exactly what he'll say." She sighed. "I think I need to just take this one step at a time and the next step is getting to Kiamo Ko. I'll worry about the rest later."