Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of its characters. Those would be the property of Ryan Murphy, Fox and so on and so forth.
Author's Note:Slowly creeps in. Heeeey guys...I am the absolute worst person ever. I took quite an unplanned hiatus from writing. Seriously it was extremely unplanned. I kept meaning to write, but couldn't manage to get this finished. I hate excuses, so I'll stop while I'm still miles behind. :P I'm glad to see there's still a lot of you guys reviewing and PMing me. It gives an author a lot of happiness and inspiration to see when readers love a story so much. You guys have been the most patient, amazing readers ever. I couldn't ask for better.
Well, now that I'm back from my awful, horrible unplanned hiatus, how about we read a chapter, eh? I hope you guys like it. It's kind of really late in the morning now that I've finalized this chapter and I am ready to pass out! Forgive me if there's any grammatical or spelling errors, I tried to get them all! I'm just ready to pass out on my bed that I'm currently lying on. I am exhausted! So leave me some reviews and let me know what you think of our VERY long awaited chapter! It's great to be back guys, it really is.
-Casey
Chapter 30. "Going Back to Where We Were, Many Decisions"
Blaine couldn't let go of Kurt. He had been standing with his arms enveloped tightly around the boy he loved for several minutes without even a thought of letting him go. It had been months since he had even heard Kurt let alone had the opportunity to hold him. Warm tears were gently cascading down his cheeks as he managed to wrap his arms a little tighter.
"I've missed you so much," Blaine finally managed to whisper into Kurt's shoulder as he burrowed his nose into Kurt's shirt. The scent of vanilla invaded his senses and created a pang in his heart. God how he missed Kurt's smell. It smelled of love, hope...home.
Kurt responded by combing his fingers through Blaine's uncommonly un-gelled hair. Blaine let his eyes droop closed with contentment. He had to make a mental note to gel less because this feeling was heavenly.
"I've missed you too, honey. I don't think I can even begin to explain to you how much."
Blaine finally managed to let go to look at Kurt. He was glowing; it had been less than half a year, but Blaine's mental picture of Kurt would never do him justice. His cashmere sweater clung tight to his small frame but emphasized the muscles in the most tantalizing way, his skinny jeans fit snug on his hips, the knee high boots...all of it just screamed Kurt. Blaine had to hold back a teary gasp when he noticed the light blue wool scarf wrapped around Kurt's neck.
Whilst in therapy Blaine had taken up crocheting with Dr. Wainwright. She had explained that working on a task whilst conversing was an excellent way of opening up and the technique had proceeded to work wonders. Blaine had diligently been working on a present for Kurt during the weeks leading up to Christmas: a scarf. A simple but warm wool scarf. Blaine knew it held no monetary value, but he hoped that Kurt would be able to feel his love behind it.
"I've worn it every day."
Blaine blinked up from the scarf to look at Kurt who began lovingly tracing his fingers along the scarf's material.
Blaine felt his heart melt as he watched Kurt play with warm fabric hanging from his neck. He liked it, Kurt liked the scarf. The last few weeks Blaine had been agonizing over Kurt's reaction to opening the box he had Nurse Leila send once he had discovered what was inside.
"Y-you like it?" Blaine managed to stutter out hopefully.
Kurt startled Blaine by reaching out suddenly and pulling him back into his arms.
"Of course I do. I absolutely love it."
Kurt woke up on Christmas morning not feeling particularly cheery. Normally Christmas had him up at the crack of dawn waking up everyone in the household so they could open up the gifts he had spent weeks...not to mention tons of money purchasing. If it hadn't had been for Finn bouncing up and down at the foot of his bed telling him to get downstairs, he might not have even woken up before noon.
Before long, the living room floor was layered with bits and pieces of paper donning Santa Claus' face, little Christmas trees and the words Merry Christmas. Carole had called for a ten minute pause to prepare some cups of hot cocoa and a plate of the Christmas cookies she and Kurt had baked.
Once Carole had returned, Burt pulled a medium-sized box that had been hidden way underneath the tree where it could go easily unseen.
"Kurt, I think this one is for you," Burt stated, placing the package into Kurt's awaiting hands.
Kurt examined the package looking for who it was from, but discovered nothing, not even after giving it another once over.
"How do you know it's mine?" Kurt asked dubiously. "It doesn't even say who it's from."
"I just have a feeling," Burt explained slyly, placing a loving arm around Carole as he watched his son slowly opening the present.
Kurt opened the lid of the box and his eyes immediately softened at the contents inside. A simple, light blue scarf lay inside the box along with a gently folded piece of paper and a bag of Christmas cut-out sugar cookies. He gently scooped the scarf out and admired the precise stitching at the obviously hand-made scarf and relished in the effort that had to have gone into it. Sure, Kurt owned many scarves, highly priced, mostly, but sometimes a simple home-made scarf was worth so much more.
"Carole was this you? It's beautiful! I absolutely love it," Kurt smiled up at her.
"It wasn't me, honey," Carole replied and exchanged a smile with Burt.
"Who sent me this, then?" Kurt asked incredibly confused. Who else did he know that could crochet so precisely and beautifully?
"Open the note, Kurt," Burt instructed with a chuckle.
Kurt had forgotten about the folded piece of paper whilst he had been admiring the scarf. He took it in his hands, unfolded it and began to read.
Kurt my love,
I know it's not much, I'm sorry. I had so many ideas of what to get you for Christmas, but circumstances changed a bit. I wanted more than anything to get you more than this but most importantly, I wanted more than anything to be there with you on Christmas. It breaks my heart that I'm not.
I hope despite everything you're having a wonderful Christmas. Hot chocolate and cookies on Christmas morning like you told me, remember? I hope you're enjoying those as you read this. The cookies that I have in here were made by yours truly and Jillian, a new friend I met here. I think you two would hit it off wonderfully, but then again, who couldn't love you?
She said that she hopes you enjoy the cookies, but I know they can't even begin to rival yours! I remember you bringing some to Warbler practice last year around Christmas before we were together. Back when I was too dumb to realize that what we had was more than friendship.
The scarf, well, that began as sort of a therapeutic technique that my doctor was having me do during my therapy sessions. She said that performing a calming task could help ease my mind and make it easier to talk with her openly. She was right...it also helped that I thought of you when I made it. I know you have a lot of scarves, but I never had the chance to buy one for you. (Or in this case, make one). I hope this can find a home in the Kurt Hummel scarf collection somewhere. (He's special! Give him a home, Kurt!)
This note is getting kind of long, but it's been hard not talking to you. I guess this sort of feels like I'm talking to you, even if I can't hear your voice. I have so much hope that we'll be together soon. Therapy has been going very well and I've been making excellent progress. If I can't see you soon, I hope that my phone restriction will at least be lifted soon. I miss you so much. Everyday hurts that much more. I'm a stronger person than I was when I was sent here, but a part of me is still very weak from missing you so much!
Anyway, enough rambling, you go enjoy your Christmas! Build a snowman with Finn, I remember him mentioning something about no one ever wanting to build a snowman with him on Christmas. Stay warm and enjoy watching "It's a Wonderful Life" tonight. I remember you telling me it's tradition.
I love you so much, Kurt. I wish I could be there with you and I can't wait to hold you and tell you how much I love you when the time comes.
Love you always and forever,
Your Blaine.
"After reading your letter, I cried. Reading words written by you just added to the pain of how much I missed you," Kurt explained.
Blaine felt his heart drop. He never meant to hurt Kurt with the letter. "Oh no, I'm so sorry Kurt...I shouldn't have written-"
Kurt held a hand up to cut Blaine off and let out a chuckle. "No honey, I loved reading every word, it just reminded me how much I missed you is all. The lack of communication was killing me. It was like a merciful relief to read words that had come from you."
Blaine let out the breath he had been holding and smiled. "It's been killing me, too. Not talking to you, you don't even know." With that, Blaine flung himself into Kurt's arms again.
"Oh, I think I have some idea," Kurt chuckled and kissed the top of Blaine's head. "I've missed you so, so, so much."
Blaine caught a glance at Jillian who had been sitting at the table attempting to do some work during their reunion.
"Where are my manners? Jeez. Kurt, this is my friend Jillian, the one I talked about in the letter." Blaine introduced, gesturing to Jillian who glanced up from her work.
"It's OK, Blaine. You see me everyday, you haven't seen your lover in months! It's wonderful to finally meet you, Kurt and might I say, you have some rockin' sex appeal," She winked.
"I-what? I don't get it?" Kurt responded, perplexed.
"It's nothing Kurt," Blaine replied quickly, taking him by the hand and dragging him towards the doorway of the living room, "I'll see you later, Jill!"
Once they made their way out towards the stairway leading to the dorms, Kurt questioned what Jillian meant immediately.
"You remember the warehouse? She was one of the Crawford Country Day girls," Blaine explained chuckling as soon as he saw the blush creep instantly to Kurt's cheeks.
To take his mind off of his embarrassing, "sex appeal of a baby penguin" days, Blaine took Kurt off to give him a tour of the place he had been forced/grown to call home these past few months.
"This is my dorm," Blaine announced as they entered Blaine's plain and rather small quarters.
"Nothing like your room back at home at all," Kurt responded taking in the blank white walls and completely void of Blaine's personality.
"Yeah, it's certainly lacking, but the picture helps get me by," Blaine explained gesturing to the photo of the two of them at prom. Unlike Kurt's back at home, this was a drawing of that photo. Blaine hadn't been able to take any pictures with them, so he took what he remembered from memory and drew it.
"That's been getting me by as well," Kurt replied fondly, picking up the photo and running his fingers gently over it. "This is absolutely amazing, Blaine. I never knew you could draw like this.
"We'll get there again, I promise," Blaine stated softly.
"Get where?" Kurt looked away from the photo and stared at Blaine in confusion.
"Back to where we were...before all of this," Blaine explained, holding his arms to gesture at the room.
"Of course, honey, but we never truly went anywhere. I haven't loved you any less, but things can only get better and better from here. Speaking of which, how would you feel about more visitors?"
Blaine blinked. More visitors? Who else would be coming to see him?
"I've missed everyone so much, I could hardly say no," Blaine responded with a smile.
Once the words had left his mouth, a knock sounded on the door frame causing Blaine to turn around.
"Knock-knock! Can we come in?"
"Dad!" Blaine exclaimed, running into his father's outstretched arms. Mr. Anderson looked near tears as he held his son whom he hadn't seen for months. "We've missed you so much, son."
"Yes we have, honey," Came Mrs. Anderson's voice. Not a second later, Blaine was wrapped up in her arms.
Blaine was in uncontrollable tears once the embraces were exchanged. "This is...amazing. I've never been so happy in my whole life," Blaine admitted, wiping the tears from his face. "Apart from Jillian, my friend here, I've been so alone. It's been terrible being away from all of you."
"We've missed you every single day, sweetheart," Mrs. Anderson explained as she pulled her son into another hug and placed a kiss on his forehead.
Blaine felt euphoric. Seeing Kurt and his parents after all these months felt like a kid in an amusement park, he never wanted it to end.
"If you're not too overwhelmed, Blaine, my dad's downstairs. He didn't want to come up if you hadn't been up to seeing visitors," Kurt explained, rubbing Blaine's upper arm.
"Of course I want to see him!" Blaine exclaimed. Burt was like a second father to Blaine, he had missed him as much as he missed everyone else.
The Andersons, Kurt and Blaine made their way downstairs to meet up with Burt. Feeling Kurt's hand in his as they walked made Blaine feel as if he could sprout wings and fly. His heart had never felt so light and everything was just right when Kurt was here. He glided his thumb gently against the back of Kurt's hand as they spotted Burt. He was engaged in conversation with Nurse Leila but as they approached, he turned his attention to them.
"Blaine, it's great to see ya kid!" He called out, extending his arms. The two boys detached their hands so that Burt could get his hug in. "Ya look great!"
"Thanks. You too, Sir." Blaine responded with a smile.
Burt chuckled and put on a mock stern expression. "How many times do I have to tell ya kid? It's Burt."
Blaine laughed along with him. "At least a dozen more times, sir."
Burt rolled his eyes and glanced at Mr and Mrs Anderson. "Something's gotta be done with this kid's manners, I tell ya! He's making me feel like an old man!"
"You're far from old, dad," Kurt encouraged, which put a smile on Burt's face.
Nurse Leila cleared her throat at that time. "Should we make our way into my office so that we can tell him?"
"Yes, I think that would be great," Mr. Anderson spoke for everybody.
Blaine interlocked hands with Kurt again and asked Kurt quietly if he had any idea what they were talking about. He shook his head in response. They made their way into Nurse Leila's office and were surprised to see that Dr. Wainwright was also there, scribbling away on her clip board.
"Burt, Kurt, Mr. and Mrs. Anderson I want to introduce to you Dr. Kayla Wainwright, who has been treating Blaine during his stay with us."
"It's a pleasure to meet all of your acquaintances," Dr. Wainwright stated, standing up and shaking hands with everyone. "Blaine has been nothing short of wonderful since I arrived. You raised a wonderful child," She addressed to The Andersons. "and it's great to finally meet the infamous Kurt and Burt! I've heard non-stop about both of you."
"Nurse Leila, if you don't mind me asking, what's going on?" Blaine asked in confusion.
"We were just getting there, if you'd all like to take a seat?" She responded, gesturing to the set of chairs set out for them.
Once everyone was settled, Dr. Wainwright spoke up.
"Blaine's currently been at CBHI coming up on 5 months now. Initially we were placing him on a two month suicide watch, but additional therapy was required. In the past three months, Blaine has made such remarkable progress, better than any of my prior patients."
Blaine felt a blush adorn his cheeks at the praise and embarrassment from being the main subject of conversation.
"I've been observing Blaine for quite some time and whilst we aren't out of the woods yet, I'm quite certain that he is able to function outside of the walls of this facility."
Was she saying what he thought she was saying? She was wasn't she?
"There will be some strict ground rules should we release Blaine from CBHI. I have an office located in Lima where he will still be required to attend his regular three therapy sessions a week. I'd like to treat this as a trial basis. Should Blaine find himself not being able to cope within social situations or resort to his prior self harm methods, we will request and appeal to place him back into the care of Columbus Behavioral Health Institute,"
They were going to release him? They were going to release him! No more being away from Kurt, he'd have his own bed again, he'd see his parents for dinner every night, he could go back to Dalton and...this all seemed way too good to be true.
"I'd like to ask for your opinions on this," Dr. Wainwright acknowledged to The Anderson's.
Mr. Anderson looked ready and eager to speak.
"If you believe Blaine has made enough recovery so that he can function without being here, we'd love nothing more than to take our son home with us. We can hardly function without him home," The last comment received a nod in agreement from Mrs. Anderson as she took his hand in her's. "We'd be willing to keep up his three day a week therapy and would adhere to the rules you've set."
Dr. Wainwright scribbled a few notes onto her clipboard then set her gaze on Blaine.
"Blaine, what are your thoughts? I can only recommend based on what I see. It's you we're talking about here. You feel the emotion, I just observe. If you don't feel ready to be released, we're more than happy to care for you here at CBHI until you're ready."
How did Blaine feel? He knew being out of the clinic sounded like a dream come true,but part of him was terrified. What if he relapsed? What if the strength he had built here in the last few months dwindled away as soon as he left like a ticking bomb? What if he lost all the progress he made? What if something set him off? Could he risk hurting Kurt, disappointing his family and feeling like a failure again? Were these doubts even normal? Was he crazy and paranoid to be asking all these questions?
"Blaine?" Dr. Wainwright asked, drawing his attention back for his answer.
"I'm not sure," Blaine replied honestly, feeling like he drained all the hope out of the room like a needle to a helium filled balloon.
"What aren't you sure of Blaine?"
"I don't want to become who I was again," Blaine admitted sadly. "I'm scared and I can't hurt everyone like that. I-I don't know what to say; I'm so scared of being wrong. What if I relapse? I don't want to fail everyone again."
Blaine has the potential to go home! What do you guys think? Will he take it? Will he stay at CBHI? What do you guys think he'll do? What would you prefer? I love to hear your insight! It's great to be back, guys! I hope you liked it and I can't wait to read what you guys have to say! Love you all!
-Casey