Chapter Twenty-Eight: Don't Know
"Is something wrong?"
What was it with Glinda? How did she always know? Elphaba swallowed and threw herself on the bed. "Fiyero just got a little too intense too fast, that's all."
"Please don't tell me that you ended it."
"Not exactly."
The blonde buried her face in her hands. "Elphie, what did you do?"
"I told him I needed time and I ran."
"Go back. Now."
"Why?"
"Listen to me, Elphaba. That boy loves you. And you love him."
"I know."
"Then go back there. He didn't mean anything. You have been pushing him away. For Oz's sake, you two have already used the word 'love,' of course things are intense quickly. It's a little hard to start slowly from where you two started. You'd already slept together. How did you expect things to work?"
"I can't do this, Glinda. I thought I could, but I don't know if I can." She hugged herself. "He wants all of me and I can't give him that. There'd be nothing left."
"You don't understand how this works. You don't have to give yourself up like you think, but you do need to open up. You're breaking his heart right now. Please, go talk to him."
"I can't. I'm not ready."
"You should've been ready months ago, the first time you jumped into bed with him. You should've been ready when you brought him home to your father. You should've been ready when you told him you loved him. You are ready."
There was a knock on the door. "Send him away."
"No. I'm not getting in the middle of this. You do it." Glinda yanked the door open and looked at Fiyero. "She's being ridiculous. I'm sorry. Go ahead and talk to her." She grabbed her purse and stomped out of the room.
She heard him take a deep breath before he spoke. "Fae…"
"I asked for time," she said shortly.
"I didn't mean… please, wait."
"No. I asked you to give me time. If you can't do that, maybe we shouldn't be together at all."
Alarm flashed in his eyes and he backed down almost too quickly. "Fine. Take your time, then. I'll see you later. I love you." And he was gone.
What was wrong with her? He was amazing, begging to love her and all she could do was run. She'd known all along he deserved better, and now she was proving it to everyone. Elphaba shot her hands to her face when she felt something sting and realized she was crying.
They saw each other again several days later at dinner, and she sat next to him and played her part. He didn't whisper in her ear or squeeze her hand the way he had been, and for that she was grateful. For appearance's sake, he walked her and Glinda back to their room.
After a tick or two of silence, Glinda got upset. "You're still doing this, Elphie? Do you realize what you're doing to this poor boy? For Oz's sake, he loves you more than life and you're shutting him out. Stop acting like you don't care!"
"Glinda, it's fine. She needs time. I'll give her that." Fiyero said quietly.
"You need to stop letting her get away with this!" Glinda snapped at him. "Tell her how much she's hurting you, damn it!"
"Please, Glinda, this is between us. I'll take care of it." He insisted.
"Fine. Why don't you two talk now, then?" She strode ahead of them. "I can't even look at the two of you."
"I'm sorry she did that," Elphaba told him.
"She's going to get mad at you again, and I don't know how many times that can happen before you two aren't going to be able to fix it."
She whirled on him. "How are you so completely unselfish? You're standing there worrying about my relationship with my roommate when I'm acting like a coldhearted bitch to you, not her." She was so upset she was trembling.
"I'm trying to obey your wishes, Fae."
"Right." She blinked away more tears. She'd never been prone to crying, but lately things had changed. "Give up on me. I'm not worth it."
"You're worth everything."
"I can't let you in."
"Eventually, maybe…"
"No, not ever. I'm not made for this. I thought maybe, with you, I could… I'm not, Fiyero. I'm so sorry. I should never have done this."
He wiped the tear from her cheek. "I think you're just scared."
"I am scared, but there's so much more than that. You deserve someone else, someone who will let you in."
"But I don't love someone else. I love you. And that's out of my control, too." They'd arrived at her door. "Come back to my room and talk this out with me, Fae."
She knew she shouldn't, knew somehow he'd make her give in, but she knew she also owed him that much. "Let me just tell Glinda." Elphaba opened her door and stuck her head in. "I'm going to Fiyero's for a bit so we can talk."
"Good." Glinda waved her away. "Don't come back until you've solved this."
"One way or the other," she said quietly.
"There's only one way," Glinda insisted.
"I'll be back."
"You don't have to come home tonight if you don't want to."
"I know." Elphaba shut the door and turned back to him. "You're right. She's going to kill me."
He took her hand and walked with her for a moment before he said, "I love you."
"I love you, too. That's not what this is about."
"That's all it needs to be about. You're trying to be logical and distant when you just need to let what we feel take control."
"I don't know how, Yero."
"I'll help you. Please, I'll be patient. I didn't mean to push you."
"No, you were right. If you felt like I wasn't all the way there, you had every right to say something."
"Look, Fae, I love you. I know that scares you. Please don't leave."
She sighed. "I don't know, Yero. I'm afraid I'm not good enough for this. That I'm going to fail. I don't fail."
"We'll fail together." He took her other hand. "I'm right here with you, every single moment. You can tell me anything. Every time this scares you, tell me, don't run. Just give me that much."
That was simple enough, wasn't it? Looking into his eyes, she was taken aback by the strength she found in them. Just being with him made her think she could do anything. But he was getting into her head. She couldn't let him do that, couldn't let herself believe in him. "This is… oh, Yero, I just don't know."
She watched his heart drop just by the sadness in his eyes. "You really don't know? After all of this?"
"I know I love you. Do I know if this is what should be? No."