Shame on me, I know. Thank you for sticking around.

As always, Lisa and Rags are the best.

October 19th, 2011

If there is anything that Forks has taught me it's that you should be truthful to who you are. You should stick to your own gut when you know you can't really trust someone. You should never hope and dream that someone will change. But now – it's Monday and past midnight – I can't help but wonder if I got the lesson wrong all along.

I've seen Edward around – more times than I can count, actually – and he's not the same. I'm not talking about his looks, about his clothes or even about his hair – which is still the same mess.

Although he looked the same, I keep remembering how he didn't, not really. His posture is different, his boyish, cocky grin is gone, and there's an intensity to him that left me a little breathless. The carefree, young look in his beautiful eyes is now gone, replaced by something I can't quite pinpoint. Maybe that's what makes us different from high school – the way we see the world.

He was entering the small coffee shop near campus. Surprisingly – or not so surprisingly – it made me wonder what his life is like now. What kind of books he reads, what kind of relationships he has, and so on. I don't know why, but imagining him being like he was in high school – an arrogant know-it-all – makes me feel weird. It's like associating Johnny Cash with Pop. It just doesn't make sense. But, in fact, I don't care about him at all. I'm calling this thing curiosity. He broke my heart the worst way anyone could have broken it, so I have the right not to care.

Adam has been flirting with me some more, and sometimes I even flirt back, but I'm just not into it. I don't know… maybe it was the news I got last week that got me all riled. I think no one was expecting Dad to do what he did, but I feel even more sorry for Sue. I've become so attached to her over these years that I'm not speaking to him. He cheated on her – something I disapprove of and absolutely loathe. He even said it wasn't cheating, but it was, even if they were in a bad phase – a break, as he said.

Now I can't even look at him – my righteous father, who never did anything wrong – and the thought that every man eventually does that leaves no room for Adam in my life. But, like I said, he's just a guy. There are plenty of them out there.

Oh, and Emmett has finally decided on a career path – law. He wants to be a lawyer. My father – before all of this crap with Sue – snorted at his decision, but Emmett says he's going to enroll as soon as possible. Though if it's not possible, he'll enroll this winter. Good for him.

Now I'm off to read "War and Peace", though I'm not sure I'll be able to concentrate at all. It's just so hard these days.

Bella