April 1st, 2012

I'm not known for being the most organized and responsible person on the planet, but I've had it with these books lying around.

"Kate, move this. I can't do anything with all these… papers on the floor," I yell, organizing my bag.

Kate walks to me calmly, with a mug in her hand, rolling her eyes. "How else do you want me to study?"

I shake my head, not knowing what else to say.

"Look," she says, looking down at the floor. "I wanted to talk to you."

I look at her, frowning. "Okay. What's wrong?"

"It's just… I know you'll be mad, so let's just get this over with, okay?" she asks, looking at me with a guilty expression.

"Just tell me, Kate. I'm already late."

"I've been seeing Jake," she blurts out, her eyes widening, waiting for my reaction.

Sigh. How dumb does she think I am?

"I know, Kate. I'm not obtuse," I say, looking at her. "In fact, I think everyone knows."

She looks down and sits on the couch, her mug now on the coffee table. She glances at me again, and I feel the need to break this awkward silence.

"I understand why you wouldn't tell me, especially after what he did to you, but I've always been honest with you, Kate. I mean, I'd probably judge you just a little bit, but –"

She chuckles dryly, looking at me with shock in her eyes. "You've been honest with me? For God's sake, I met your ex-boyfriend the other day."

"What, Caleb? He was really just a fling," I reply.

"What, who's Caleb?" she asks, confused.

"What are you talking about?" I ask. "If you haven't met Caleb, who did you meet?"

She lies down on the couch, looking at me weirdly. "He's a ginger. Hot as fuck, but kind of skinny, if you ask me…"

"He's not my boyfriend," I reply, feeling my face getting red. "He's Edward and he's definitely not my boyfriend." I chuckle nervously, without really wanting to get into details.

Kate shakes her head and snorts, standing up. "There you go, then. You wanted honesty, but you can't bring yourself to tell me that you actually like him."

I'm angry. I'm really, really angry. Not at Kate, mind you, but how he keeps creeping up in every single thing in my life. How is that fair?

I sigh, sitting down beside Kate, letting my bag fall on the floor.

"Do you have any idea of the shit he's done to me, Kate? Or how he keeps manipulating me and my feelings for him? And now he's this guy who miraculously changed overnight and needs my forgiveness. How am I supposed to cope with that?" I ask, traitorous tears welling up in my eyes. "And he kissed me. He freaking kissed me like it was no big deal. And he told me he wants me? Who the fuck does he think he is?"

I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm tired of feeling like this, of feeling desperate when I face him and disappointed when I don't see him. I feel so shitty all the time.

Kate looks at me like she doesn't know what to do. Her eyes are saying "back down, back down, she's fucking nuts", and I almost feel like laughing.

*+*-.-*+*

Higgins is already showing the material we need for the exam. I knew I was late, but I didn't think I was this late.

He arches an eyebrow at my sudden entrance and I keep my head down, remembering what post-graduates had to say about him and his "fierce" personality. They were just being too nice. I know, now, that he's an asshole. An asshole that took a great dislike to my writing. That's never a good thing.

Maggie, a very bright girl who I usually find in most classes, is sitting next to a vacant seat. I join her and smile at her, earning another glare from Higgins.

By the end of the class, I realize that I'll have to talk to him today, which makes me slightly uneasy. But I go over to him anyway, knowing I'll probably be lectured by my tardiness and the question I'm about to make.

"Excuse me, professor?" I say in my most sweet voice.

"Yes?" He asks, not even looking at me. "What is it?"

"I was just wondering when this essay we have to write has to be presented."

He looks at me as if I already know the answer. I don't, so I stare at him a little bit more.

"On the 6th. And it won't be presented. It will have to be e-mailed to me."

"Alright," I say. "Thank you."

"And Ms. Swan?"

"Yes?" I turn around.

"Don't ever be late to my class again. I will personally escort you out."

*+*-.-*+*

I'm starving. Want to go to lunch?

Sure. Let me just finish something and I'll meet you at Denny's.

And so I wait. I wait for so long that I eventually have to order something to eat. But I shouldn't be surprised. Emmett has a certain tendency to do this to me, so it's all good.

The lasagna I ordered is put in front of me, and I suddenly remember my mother. I don't always think of her, but when I do, I feel dizzy. This time, surprisingly, there's a happy memory of me eating her lasagna excitedly and remembering it was probably the best in the world. But it wasn't. The best lasagna I've ever had was made by Sue for my eighteenth birthday, and it was only later that I found out that the lasagna my mother had made me when I was… five?... was frozen, the ones you buy at a supermarket.

This lasagna, however, is anything but satisfying, because this is only a small café that insists on making meals. They should be aware by now that only skinny and rich people dine here.

I'm so lost in my own thoughts that I miss someone sitting in front of me. I'm ready to say "hey, jackass," when I realize that Edward is the one sitting in front of me.

I'm startled, of course. "What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to talk to you. And I couldn't stand, so…" he replies, looking down at his lap.

I catch a glimpse of white under the table and then realize that he just recently broke his leg. "What happened?" I ask, my eyes glued to the cast.

"Playing soccer with my cousins. It gets kind of rough," he laughs, looking down.

He's adorable, of course, but I can't think like that.

"I imagine," I say, looking out of the window. It started raining. How appropriate. My life should be a movie.

"Have you been avoiding me?" he asks, his eyes cutting through me. "Because I never see you around anymore, and when I ask Emmett where you are, he never knows."

I smile sheepishly. "That's the point of it. I didn't want him to tell you anything."

He laughs, making my heart feel warm. "So you are avoiding me. Why?"

I look at my fingers, shaking my head. "You know why. I can't trust myself around you, and you know that."

"I thought it was the other way around."

Ah, he's always been so good with words.

"You're so full of it," I say, half-kidding.

"I know that you still don't trust me, but you've got to know that I'm telling the truth. You drive me insane."

"Jeez, thanks a lot."

"Not like that," he says, chuckling. "You've got this effect on me, and I can't ignore it anymore."

I'm quiet, stewing on my own thoughts. But I can't look at the rain; it's making me too depressed. And I don't want to give him too much power, either.

"Why couldn't you feel like that in high school?" I hear myself say.

"Because I'm an ass," he says, looking disgusted.

"You were an ass," I correct him, earning a smile. "You're not anymore. I think."

"I just… Can I say something?" he asks and I nod. "I'm not excusing myself for what I did, but I did what I did because you thought of me as some sort of god."

"What? That's not true," I say, feeling embarrassed. "You were normal to me, Edward. Cute, but pretty normal."

"You vibrated when I was around, Bella. You thought that whatever came out of my mouth was pure gold," he says, grabbing my hand.

"So because of that, you could have cared less for me. But since Rosalie didn't care, at all, you were always pinning for her. I already knew men were irrational, but this feels like a joke to me," I say, not buying what he was saying, but knowing, deep down, that there was some truth to it. His hand grabs mine harder.

"I was a kid. That was the way I saw things. And I'm sorry for that," he declares, looking at both of our hands. "And the point I'm trying to make here is that I made a huge mistake, I criticize myself everyday for it and that I'm trying to get to know you, because I'm pretty sure that I'll fucking love you if you give me the chance."

I laugh, hiding the stupid little tears in my eyes. "You know, Kate, my roommate, warned me about this."

He looks confused. "About what?"

"About falling for college guys. They think they're so suave."

He laughs.

If you find any mistakes, forgive me; this was not beta'd.

Another one and we're done! Thanks for reading.