I spectacularly ignored my tests... somehow I passed with good scores. Ha ha. I had a nightmare about the spork of doom. You reviewers so rock.

Beta: Ugawa

Note: Not my characters, NaruGaa, AU, yaoi, lemons, I fucked with the ages big time, prostitution, A grown up Naruto who is kinda cool (which I love more than anything), and a tiny bit of a love triangle.

Chapter Nine

-Naruto-

It was amazing. The feel of his soft lips against mine... My hands wove themselves into his hair, pulling him even closer, my tongue parting his lips and dipping inside when they opened for me. The smooth muscle reacted only after several seconds of stroking from mine, but quickly found its rhythm, submissive to my natural domination. I lost myself in sensation, turning off my thoughts and focusing on just feeling him, tasting him. His hands were on my back, warm palms sending pulsating heat through me from where they lay. His body felt so small against mine, fragile even, as one of my hands dropped and wrapped around his waist, forcing him closer, while the other stayed buried in his hair, pulling his mouth as close to mine as I could manage.

He moaned softly into my mouth and a snap of electricity coursed down my back, my body reacting without hesitation. I lifted him easily, groaning out loud when his long legs wrapped around my waist. I wasn't even sure where I was taking him until I laid him on the couch, straddling his thin waist, my hands sliding down his body to the hem of his shirt and pushing the thin fabric up. My fingers caressed the silky skin while my mouth never left his. His small hands pushed against my chest gently. I lifted my body slightly, arching so my lips and tongue could continue to explore. The pushing increased, but I didn't give. I didn't want to.

Then he really shoved and my upper body was tossed up. I stared down at him, his cheeks flushed, his frail hands landed by his face, the exposed chest heaved as he panted. I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. He was just so beautiful... Confusion flooded my mind. Why had he pushed me away? He responded... hadn't he? "Are you sure?" His voice came out as a whisper as he stared up at me with wide eyes, a doubtful expression gracing the beautiful, porcelain face I'd come to adore.

I felt guilt weigh down on my chest. 'Don't do this... Don't do this...' a little voice in the back of my mind chanted mournfully. I wanted this so badly. I wanted him like I'd never wanted any other human on this earth. Please don't look at me like that. I begged mentally. Don't look at me like you hate me... Don't do this to me... A fear appeared in those angelic eyes and my heart throbbed painfully.

I couldn't do this... I couldn't do this to him. Not while he looked so... afraid of me.

I threw my head back and laughed like an idiot, standing and helping him to his feet, hands dropping from his body like they were filled with lead after fixing his shirt. "Whoops! Guess I had a bit more than I thought." I giggled, keeping my voice light, patting his head a bit roughly. "Sorry about that!" And despite how forcefully I told myself not to look at him, my eyes met his. Regret flooded me at the broken look on his face and it felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach.

His eyes screamed anger, betrayal, hurt and disgust. His face had fallen into an emotionless state seconds after my eyes locked onto his, but he couldn't hide the feelings rolling through his eyes no matter how hard he tried. His shoulders went rigid while managing to reclaim the self-conscious slouch I hadn't seen for weeks, and I suddenly wanted to beat the shit out of myself. It took all my willpower to keep my hands to myself, to keep my arms from wrapping around that small body, to keep my mouth from trying to deny my earlier words. The little voice of my conscious was assuring me this was the right thing to do while the rest of me screamed I was in the wrong.

I was prepared for him to scream at me, to run away from me, or to even laugh it off. He didn't do any of these. Instead his hand pulled back and swung at my face. I tensed and waited, but the slap never came. His hand hovered beside my face as he glared up at me, eyes burning with a rage that made me shrink inside. I had never seen that look of fury on his face before, and I was caught between being scared and enamored with it. When he spoke, his voice came out in a growl. "Don't. You aren't drunk. I can tell by the way you're walking, talking and by the look in your eyes. You don't even look buzzed." His hand dropped to his side and clenched into a fist. "If you want to kiss me, kiss me. Don't give me stupid excuses, you... you... Fuck!" He let out an angry breath, eyes glistening with what I knew to be unshed tears, before he turned and stormed away from me.

I watched him go, a sick feeling flooding my body. I was rooted to the spot by my own stupidity and his anger until I realized he wasn't heading for his room. Confusion flashed through my mind until the front door slammed loudly and pulled me from my stupor. I ran to the door, throwing it open and running into the hallway. Dashing to the stairwell door, I caught it just as it started to close and launched myself down the stairs, listening to his hurried footsteps as he ran to the street below. I jumped over steps, railings and anything else that got in my way until I could see crimson hair only a few feet away.

He hurled himself out the door as I made a grab for his arm, letting the biting wind snap angrily at my face. I stumbled through the door and chased after him. The streets were nearly deserted, and my legs were much longer than his making it easy to close the distance between us. Grabbing him by the elbow, I whirled him around to face me, forcing frigid air to be sucked into my lungs in a gasp when I saw his face. His tears had finally escaped, forcing the thick rims of eyeliner to run slightly and that broken look found its way back to his face, making something crush in my chest.

I lifted him in my arms easily and carried him back to the apartment at a quick pace, wanting to get him back home as soon as I was physically able. I expected him to protest, hit me, scratch me, bite me, scream at me to put him down and let him go, but he laid limp in my arms. I didn't look at him. I couldn't. He was hurting... and it was all my fault. I cursed myself out the entire way home, slipping up the stairs like they were nothing and back into the apartment. I glanced at the clock. The entire chase and retrieval had lasted less than three minutes.

I stood there between the kitchen and the living room, holding him for several minutes. I tightened my grip when he shivered but kept my nose from burying itself in the silky, red hair. "Put me down." His soft whisper barely made its way to my ears, but I complied immediately, setting him on his feet and gazing down at him. He didn't look up at me, and I knew he wouldn't. My hand moved towards him but he backed away, turning around when there was enough distance that I couldn't touch him without taking a step forward.

"Gaara, I--"

"Don't." The word tore into me, but it was nothing compared to what his next words did to my heart. "You already made an excuse... don't make it hurt even more by apologizing again." His words hung in the air and resounded through my mind as he disappeared into his room, never once looking at me.

I stumbled to my room after I was sure he wasn't going to leave and laid down beside my baby brother, not even bothering to undress. I pulled the three-year-old into my arms and let everything flood me. I'd hurt him. I had hurt him... all because I was more worried about being pushed away. I wouldn't even try to delude myself into believing I had pulled away to spare him from whatever damage I thought I would do to him. It was all me on that one.

I had always been a selfish person. Always. Everything I had ever done was for my own personal gain. Not material things, never for things I could easily lose, no... I made people love me, want me, almost need me. The only thing I had done for someone else was give up whatever future I might have had to raise the child in my arms... but even then I did it to ease my own guilt... to ease my own sorrow. Tears fell from my eyes and I kissed Konohamaru's forehead gently. His tiny hands gripped at my shirt, calling me 'papa' even in his sleep. I gave a watery smile and moved to give him another kiss, but then he asked for his 'mama' and all the movement left my body. There really was no way I could fix this... Not even if I tried.

"What have I done?" I whispered into his soft, brown hair. "Why couldn't I just say 'I'm not drunk. I want you. I want you to be happy because of me and smile because of me and stay here with me and... be mine. Be mine alone'." My heart gave a painful throb. Why couldn't I just say that? Instead, I tried to find a way out without putting myself out there. Instead, I threw my chance away. I gave a soft shuddering sigh before my eyes shut, and I dropped into a dreamless sleep.

-

"Get up." The sound of Gaara's voice the next morning already had me pulling myself from sleep, but before I could open my eyes, I was shoved to the floor roughly, landing with a nice 'thump' beside the bed. My eyes snapped open instantly, and I sat straight up. Teal eyes were on me, void of any emotion. I cringed but knew I deserved it. Hell, I half expected him to sneak out sometime during the night and we'd never see him again. I stood and gave him a tentative smile but he just turned away from me, walking out of the room quickly.

"Fuck." I muttered quietly, deflating even more as I followed him. We walked to the kitchen, a mug of coffee sitting on the table for me already. I walked over to the table instantly, expecting him to sit across from me like every other morning, but he kept walking. My shoulders fell when his bedroom door closed, and I cursed again. I royally fucked up this time. He would probably never look at me if he could help it. I'd probably never get to see his soft, shy smiles or his eyes when they glowed with anything other than anger, hurt, or disappointment. The Gaara I'd come to desire would be gone to me forever and the Gaara I myself had replaced him with would greet/avoid me every day until he decided to leave. I was really beginning to hate myself. So, I guess I don't need to say I was surprised when he emerged from his room minutes later and slid into the seat across from me.

I gave him a smile but he didn't respond and the smile on my face died quickly. The minutes ticked by awkwardly, and I felt like cowering under his gaze. The teal eyes didn't leave mine as we sat there, the coffee in my hand quickly became cold. As time went by, I began to want the look in those beautiful orbs to be anger, I wanted them to scream rage and hatred, cursing my very existence, but all that they gave me was hurt, disappointment... defeat. "About last night--"

"It never happened." His soft voice cut me off, sending pain rolling through me. "We won't talk about it. It won't happen again, so there's no point getting worked up over nothing." Ouch. Ouch... My eyes dropped to the dark liquid in my cup. I deserved it, though. The silence I'd always hated stretched on. I wanted to fix this, but I didn't know how. Explain I didn't want to put myself out there to be hurt? Explain that this probably couldn't work between us so there was no point in pretending it could? I'd sound like a jackass either way, and I knew he wouldn't care to hear it. "You'd better get ready for work." He stood and walked to the room as Konohamaru's sleepy voice called for him, announcing he was awake.

-Gaara-

For one moment I thought he would tell me he liked me, that he wanted me. Instead I got a painful slap in the face. I hated myself for even thinking anything could happen between us. Naruto was a normal single father, and I was just a whore he'd brought in off the street. I lay in bed after he'd brought me back, no longer holding back the tears that wanted to escape, and as they slid down my face silently, I thought about all the different reasons that could explain what he had done.

I didn't come up with much. I'd always been told I was subconsciously seductive. My movement adapted to call out to men after years of selling myself to survive. Maybe he just wanted a little fun and my action had stopped him from going through with it. The next reason I came up with was the one I was clinging to with every fiber of my being. Maybe he wanted me... wanted me like I wanted him, but he was wary because of my past. I held onto that thought, but told myself that was probably the farthest from the truth.

Konohamaru seemed to know something was wrong with me. He didn't want to jump around or play blocks or even paint. He just wanted to sit in my lap and listen to me read or watch movies. I was fine with complying with his wishes, and when he fell asleep in my arms I couldn't bring myself to move him. I held onto his tiny form and let my mind go blank, wishing last night hadn't happened at all.

I'd stopped him because I had wanted to hear that it wouldn't be a mistake. I wanted to hear him say he liked and wanted me. My eyes slid shut and, though I told myself not to, I remembered his kiss, his gentle touches, his demanding hands, the way his eyes burned as he looked at me, making my heart feel like it would give out. I remembered his tongue persuading mine to play and the dream I had about that tongue. I shut my brain off at that point and focused on holding the little body in my arms, wondering just how bad I had gotten at hiding my emotions. Konohamaru always seemed to know what was going on with me, when was good to play and when it was best to be calm. I was going to have to work on keeping my hectic feelings to myself. Baby shouldn't have to hold himself back because I was losing it.

The three-year-old didn't even wake up when it came time for Hinata and Ino to arrive. When the knock on the door came at one, I carried him with me to answer it. Only the lilac eyed female stood there with a gentle smile, little Udon nestled in her arms and staring at me sleepily. Hinata's smile seemed to fall a bit when I couldn't bring myself to return it. The incident from the night before weighed down on me and effected everything I did. Udon poked Konohamaru from sleep and the two greeted each other happily. The dark haired woman quickly explained Moegi had a doctors appointment so Ino would be up a little later. I just nodded and led the way to the living room.

We both sat in silence, watching the children play for almost an hour before Hinata turned to me with an expression I couldn't really place. "Why don't we have some tea?" My eyes met hers, that look of caring and wanting to help swallowing me whole, and I nodded. She stood wordlessly, putting in a movie that had the children settling instantly to watch, and walked to the kitchen. I followed moments later and put some water on the stove. It was quiet between us as we waited for the water to heat, poured peppermint tea into mugs and waited for it to cool enough to drink. She didn't push anything, didn't say anything, but I knew she was worried about my silence.

I don't know what possessed me to speak. I didn't make any conscious decision to talk. My fingers just reached up, brushed against the crimson tattoo on my forehead, and I opened my mouth. "He used to come by almost every night, never on Sundays, but every other night he'd pull up in his silver Chevy and call out to me. He was the most gentle customer I'd ever had, always touching me lightly, asking me if it hurt too much and when it was over he'd hold me. It wasn't just a light arm across my waist either... He would gather me to his chest and cling to me. It was always just for a minute, but still it made my heart want to jump out of my chest.

"He became the highlight of my nights. Whenever I climbed into that car, he'd ask me how my day had been, if I was keeping out of trouble. I found it easy to talk to him... He just broke through every defense I had put up. He made me want to be so much more than I was... On my sixteenth birthday he surprised me by showing up earlier than usual and taking me out to his friend's tattoo parlor. I picked this." I tapped the ai on my forehead. "Out and he picked the color. He said it would match my hair beautifully and that love should always be written in red. He stood there and watched me get it, smiling the whole time. As I sat there in that chair I realized I was in love with him. They thought I started crying because of the pain...

"It was two weeks later when he showed up troubled. He said his wife was pregnant. The word wife stopped my heart painfully, like he'd stabbed it with a giant, rusty knife. I loved him with all of my heart. A first love will do that, I guess. He was like the world to me and that one word forced my heart to shatter. I wanted him. I wanted him all to myself. I wanted him to belong to me, to love me and me alone.

"That same week I made the biggest mistake I could have. I slept with him but didn't accept his money. I remember the look in his eyes perfectly... It was frightened, horrified even. He didn't smile at me like he usually did when he left. He didn't say goodbye. He didn't even give me a wink like usual. He just got dressed as quickly as he could, made some excuse about leaving so early, apologized and left me there in the bed. That was the last time I saw him. He never came back to see or use me ever again." I stared into the icy liquid in my cup, watching my reflection carefully. I pushed it away quickly, hating the person I saw gazing back at me. "When he walked out that night I realized I didn't even know his name. He'd never told me his name." My elbows rested on the table, and my hand held my face, but my eyes stayed glued to the dark wood. "I decided I would never fall for a man I couldn't have ever again."

A pale hand reached out and covered mine that lay on the table in front of me. I couldn't even feel it. Fighting off tears, I let my eyes meet hers. The pale, lilac eyes seemed to want to cry for me while asking what this had to do with my mood. Again I felt the need to share. I'd always kept everything inside of me. I never shared with anyone other than my mother and the men, and it had been so long since I felt comfortable enough with someone to let them in. Naruto had somehow done it... and Hinata had found her way in, too. "Naruto kissed me last night." A smile lit up her face but her eyes were still confused. "Then he said he was drunk... and he apologized."

I had to close my eyes to keep the tears from escaping and took a deep breath. "I don't understand," she whispered softly. I shrugged my shoulders, trying to make it seem lighter than it really was. Like it hurt less than it really did. Like it didn't matter to me when it really, truly did. Her hand tightened on mine, and I opened my eyes, taken aback at the fury in the pools of light purple. "He's an idiot, Gaara. He always has been and, unfortunately, he always will be. I say that with love." She gave me a weak smile, and I returned it. "Just don't give up on him, okay?"

"Give up on him?"

"You like him don't you, sweetie?" Her voice was gentle, her head bent towards mine. "It's amazing really, the way your eyes light up when he's around. You always have this little smile on your face when he looks at you. And when he says your name it looks like you become breathless." My heart ached. I hadn't known others could tell. "Sweetie, don't let one little screw up on his part get you so down. I can tell he likes you. I'll admit I don't really know how he likes you, but don't move away before you find out. Naruto's just the kind of person--"

"You will not believe what a pain that doctor was!" Ino shouted from the hallway as the door swung open. Hinata sighed and shook her head, rising to her feet. I followed and met the loud blonde in the hallway. The little talk made me feel lighter, less out of it, and it seemed, once again, Konohamaru knew it. After the movie ended he was everywhere, dragging out toys and paints with so much enthusiasm I thought he'd hurt himself. I smiled. I laughed. It was like nothing had happened last night. Hinata seemed happier and Ino was just as bright and bubbly as ever.

They left later than usual, passing Naruto as he walked through the door. He smiled as Ino greeted him brightly but seemed puzzled when the brunette woman gave him a stiff greeting and walked right passed him with a drooling Udon in her arms. I laughed at the fact she could look dignified even then. She gave me a smile and closed the door behind her. I turned back to the blond man with a sigh, determined to follow my own words and pretend nothing had happened. "I'm going to do the laundry. Do you want me to grab anything while I'm out?"

Again he looked extremely confused and shook his head. I nodded and grabbed the laundry basket and detergent, lifting them easily and walked out the door. A sigh of relief slipped out of me at the fact I had been 'normal' around him, and I started for the basement.

-Naruto-

If Hinata's look of annoyance didn't throw me off, then the beautiful laugh that followed did. I stared at the pale beauty dumbly, trying to wrap my brain around the fact he seemed completely fine. I cursed at myself. Of course he was going to be fine. He himself had said the kiss didn't matter, so why would he be upset over it? That thought stomped me down a bit, and I turned to the excited three-year-old jabbering away at my feet with a smile.

He was laying on his back, a fish made of folded paper battling it out with a paper airplane above him. "Ah! Nooo! Fly fish! Blub blub." I laughed and lay on the floor beside him. "Hello, papa."

I turned my head and kissed his cheek. He giggled and went back to his fish and airplane. "Hello, baby." Since when did he say hello? He turned his face to me and frowned. I raised an eyebrow. Apparently I missed something important. Hinata seemed a bit disappointed in me, Gaara was smiling like nothing was wrong and now Konohamaru looked slightly mad at me.

"M- Gaawa sad in mo'ning. Papa, you be nice Gaawa. I love him." His brown eyes didn't leave my widened ones. He met my gaze evenly and held them. I wasn't even sure how to react. What the hell? What the hell? I don't know how long we lay there on the hardwood floor staring at each other, eyes never moving from the others, but Gaara was back before I knew it, a bottle of Tide in hand. I saw him stop from the corner of my eye, but I couldn't move my eyes from Konohamaru's. It was like he was... challenging me or something.

It only took seconds for the toddler to notice the redhead had entered the room and he bounced to his feet. Gaara gave me a questioning look but I could only shrug. I honestly had no idea what the hell was going on anymore. The teen lifted Konohamaru in his arms and received a big sloppy kiss on the cheek. The redhead nuzzled his nose against my child's, a smile on his face. "I'm going to take a shower." They both waved as I turned to walk down the hallway. Okay... so I had gone crazy. Stress could do that to a person. Right?

-

"So... You realize everyone pretty much wants to kill you, right?" I raised an eyebrow at my shaggy friend as he walked into the room. I shut the door and walked to the living room, Kiba right on my heels. I stared at him as we sat down on opposite ends of the couch. "Is Gaara around?" I shook my head, and he sighed. "Good. You've done something I thought pretty much impossible." He grumbled, glaring at me.

"Uh, what's that?"

"Hinata's mad. You made her mad. Oh, man, Sasuke's kinda pissed too." His head fell into his hands.

"You're going to have to give me a bit more than that. You've lost me completely." I smiled, leaning back and propping my feet up on the coffee table.

He looked at me, disbelief clear on his face. "I don't know what happened, I don't really care to know what happened, but I got two phone calls last night, one from Hinata and one from the Uchiha, saying you fucked up and I had to come set you straight or they would. So why don't you tell me what happened and I'll knock your ass back on the right track before you have to face the wrath of Hinata and Sasuke. Honestly, I don't think even you could survive both." I raised my eyebrow again, and he let out another huge sigh. "With Gaara. After you left the bar, what did you do to Gaara?" I felt myself pale and asked myself a recently frequent question once more. What the hell was going on? "Fine. Don't tell me. Just fix it."

"Fix what? There's nothing to fix. I kissed him, freaked out a bit, he told me to forget it, and he seems to have gotten over it."

"Oh. My. God." Kiba moaned dramatically. "You are an idiot."

"Like I want to hear that from you."

"Shut up, and let me think for a minute."

"I don't have all year." I smirked.

He glared up at me. "You know, I woulda killed you a long time ago if I wasn't so attached to you."

"I'm touched." We laughed lightly. "But seriously, the kid seems to have gotten over the whole incident." I didn't add that it pretty much stung that he had. "So tell the bastard to mind his own and Hinata to relax. Everything's good here... Everything's fine." I stared at the ceiling, trying to keep my mind on task and failing. How could he just put it behind him? Just walk away from what I'd done to him while I couldn't get it off my mind. Not only had I crossed the line and hurt him, but I couldn't forget the feel of his lips against mine, that soft moan that made my toes curl in delight and his skin, god, his soft, pale skin beneath my fingers. I thought about those few minutes constantly... mostly in the shower. "Everything's fine." I mumbled.

Kiba shifted and muttered something I couldn't quite catch. "Well... uh, that's good. I'll pass it on. Anyway, I came over for another reason." I looked over at him with a smile. "Mom wanted to make sure you're still coming over for Thanksgiving. Jiraiya and Tsunade will be there as well."

I raised an eyebrow and nodded. "Why would we miss it? Of course we'll be there. You know that... Unless..."

"She wanted me to make sure you've invited Gaara." I froze. I had thought about it, but after my spectacular blunder I wasn't sure how to approach the subject. "You're supposed to convince him, she's kinda worried what he would do since he doesn't have a... well, a family. I mean, other than you guys, and she wants to make sure he's got somewhere to go. Nobody should be alone on a holiday, y'know?" I bit my bottom lip. "You're supposed to beg like you've never begged before. Pull out that old 'please do what I want' look and it should be all good." We both laughed.

"I guess I could try."

"Try? Dude, please. You don't have to try."

"Whatever."

"Ooh! I'm an Uzumaki, and I've got a puppy dog look!"

"Knock it off."

"It's fiercesome and lovable all at once!"

"Seriously."

"Do what I want! I'll- OUCH!! What the fuck?!"

"I told you to stop." I grinned over at him. His eyes narrowed in a glare before he launched himself at me. I yelped as I was knocked to the floor, and he landed roughly on top of me. He grinned in triumph before I flipped him over me roughly onto his back, climbing over him. That just started an all out war. We rolled over the floor, pushing and pulling, trying to make the other give and keep the upper hand all at once. I laughed as I grabbed him by the left leg and right arm, sitting on the small of his back. "Give?"

"Never!" He grunted, struggling against my hold.

"Is this all you two ever do?" My head snapped up, and I grinned as my eyes met with glowing teal. The redhead looked amused, holding a bag of groceries and my son, forcing my heart to skip a beat. Did he always have to look so fucking perfect? The cream colored scarf around his neck made his skin seem to glow even whiter than usual, giving the dark rings around his eyes a dramatic look and the blue-green of his eyes pop out beautifully. Konohamaru had a hold of the black jacket, head lying against the teens chest. The dark, brown eyes screamed contentment and love, the red highlights in his hair somehow standing out, giving the look that the two belonged together. I was stunned into immobility at that thought. Kiba took advantage of that and I gave a startled shout as I was thrown to the side.

"Yup." The brunet smiled, rising to his feet and helping me up.

I laughed when Gaara rolled his eyes and turned for the kitchen. We followed him naturally, watching as he set the toddler down and began to put the groceries away. "So, how was the shopping?" I asked like an idiot. I heard Kiba snort at the lame question and kicked him discreetly. The redhead's shoulders tensed immediately and he threw a bundle of celery onto the counter with a bit more force than necessary. I raised an eyebrow and Konohamaru giggled. "What?"

"Lady call Gaawa 'mama'." He answered, a little hand trying to hid the smile on his face. I felt my eyes go wide and tried to hold back laughter while Kiba tried to keep his silent. "She call Gaawa my mommy." That did it. Kiba's loud laughter filled the room, and I had to close my eyes to keep mine in. This was a bad thing. Gaara wasn't his mama. This wasn't funny. I tried to tell myself over and over again. It didn't work. I exploded as well, trying to muffle it behind my hand when the redhead whirled around.

"It's not funny!" He growled, throwing a bag of cilantro at my head. I couldn't even dodge it I was laughing so hard. It hit me right on the forehead, the water from the produce sprinklers giving it a smacking sound. That didn't help with the laughter at all. I had to lean against the wall to stay on my feet, trying not to die. The teen stalked over to me, face so adorable in anger I couldn't help myself. I was sure my face was pink from all the laughing, but I couldn't stop. "Stop!" He hissed.

"Your not my mommy." I managed to gasp out as I fell to the floor, clutching my sides. Kiba just got louder and Konohamaru's giggle grew as well. I don't know how long it lasted but Gaara stood above me the entire time, arms across his chest, glaring at me and fighting to keep a smile off his face. I smiled up at him after I calmed down, hands lying on my chest. He gave me a soft look then, forcing all the breath from my lungs. My smile grew and he returned it softly. "Admit it. It was a little funny." He gave me a soft kick in the shoulder and bent down to grab the herb he'd thrown at me by my shoulder. Our eyes connected momentarily and a light blush stained his cheeks.

When he straightened up and turned away, I felt my own face heat up. Kiba was watching me, a grin on his face. I stuck my tongue out at him, and he snorted. "So... Thanksgiving's coming up," he announced loudly, and I shot him a glare.

"Yeah." I put in.

"What are you doing, red?" I heard the teen heave a sigh at the nickname.

He moved to put vegetables in the crisper, not looking at either of us. "Whatever."

"Whatever?"

"Yes. Whatever I feel like doing when it comes." Kiba rolled his eyes and waved his hand for Konohamaru to come closer, picking him up easily when he was close enough. The two brunets passed by me on their way to the living room, Kiba motioning for me to talk to him. I rolled my eyes as he disappeared through the doorway. I stood up and moved toward the teen quietly, trying to think of what to say.

I stood three feet behind him, contemplating what to say, when he turned around and took a step forward. He let out a small squeak of surprise and jumped back. My hands shot out and grabbed him by the shoulders when he tripped on his pant leg, gathering him to my chest automatically. He looked up at me with wide eyes, palms on my chest, their warmth making it through my shirt and to my skin. His thin fingers curled, and I had to stop my eyes from closing. "We were wondering... I was wondering, if you wanted to spend Thanksgiving with us out at Kiba's moms. I know Konohamaru would love for you to be there." His eyes lowered slightly and I took a deep breath. "I know I'd like it if you were there." Bright, teal eyes met mine again and my heart jumped. He was so close. It would take only a slight movement and I would be kissing him again.

His hands pushed me away again, but this time, I responded, stepping back slightly. His hands didn't leave my chest and his eyes didn't turn from mine. I swallowed nervously and opened my mouth to ask him again. "I'll... I'll go with you, to Tsume's, I mean." His voice was a whisper and his breath seemed to burn pleasantly against my skin. The conversation really was over, but I didn't want it to end. I didn't want him to step away from me.

"I'm glad." I whispered gently. He smiled and that faint blush was back, making my heart pound nervously. "Gaara, I... I wanted to-"

"Papa!" We both jumped at Konohamaru's yell and the little boy shoved his way between us, clinging to the redhead's legs, burying his face in the jeans.

The teen bent down and lifted the three-year-old easily, allowing little arms to wrap around his neck. "What's wrong, baby?" A shudder ran through me at the word. Since when did Gaara call Konohamaru 'baby'? It made me... happy. My child whispered something to his nanny, voice muffled by the shirt his face was pressed against. I moved closer to try and hear, but stopped when a smile broke out across the redhead's face. His eyes met mine again, humor lighting them up and making the color seem to shift more blue than green. He laughed lightly and patted the little brunet's back softly. "No. I almost fell. Papa caught me." Brown eyes turned and eyed me suspiciously before his little hand reached out for me.

I stepped forward and let his little hand grab my shirt. "Uh...?"

Gaara snorted and shook his head. "He thought you were making me sad." My eyebrows shot up and the redhead laughed quietly, face rising slightly to look up at me. "Your guess is as good as mine." My hand raised and landed on my child's back softly, my mind shooting back to the conversation we'd had yesterday. 'Papa, you be nice Gaawa.' I shivered and peered down at the pale teen before me. Konohamaru really did hate it when I made the teen sad that time, hadn't he? He took it personally... I'd wounded someone close to him and he had warned me. Some part of me was a little jealous, but I couldn't really get a grasp on it because the majority of my brain turned to mush at the thought. I shook that off hurriedly. Maybe this mama thing had finally gone above the point I should've been worried, maybe I had let it go on too far and now it was too late to do anything about it.

'I love him'

-Gaara-

And just like that, the awkward moments between me and Naruto were back. I was back to the exhausting dance of looking at him longingly and shoving my feelings away harshly. Konohamaru watched us together so attentively that I found myself wondering if he knew what was going on between me and his papa. If I looked uncomfortable when the blond got too close to me, he would wiggle in between us and turn the conversation away from whatever Naruto had said that made me silently freak out, like he was looking out for me.

As the holiday grew closer, I came to the realization Naruto did like me, want me as I wanted him. His glances, his smiles, his feather soft touches drove me to that conclusion, but I did nothing about it. I don't know what held me back, what kept me from closing that distance. It could've been the fact I didn't want to cross that line just yet or I wanted to keep myself outside of the little family, but I knew I was afraid. I was so deathly afraid of him walking away again. That night didn't drive the want from me, but it did make me fearful of putting myself out there for him. I kept thinking about the man I'd loved first and how my first step had forced him from me. If I hadn't made that bold move... I wouldn't have had my heart broken. I wouldn't have been thrown away.

I began losing sleep over it.

The dark rings around my eyes came back and I woke up many times crying. I couldn't remember my dreams when that happened, but it seemed like the dream had ended far too soon for me. As if my dream had been so wonderful that waking seemed like a curse. Because here in reality, everything just seemed so hopelessly fucked up. The tears would always stop seconds after they started but I could still feel the need to cry for hours afterward.

It was the morning of Thanksgiving before I realized it. I sat in the front seat of Naruto's old car, bundled up against the cold air that promised snow soon, wondering where the hell the month had gone. The sun still hadn't come up and Konohamaru was still cranky from being woke up so early to get dressed. I smiled back at the three-year-old but he just held his pout before he let out a big yawn and rubbed his eyes sleepily. The action forced me to yawn in return which led to the blond giving one of his own as well. He laughed and turned on the car, throwing on the heater. "I know. It's pretty early but the roads are kinda iffy, and I want to make sure we get there on time without having to rush."

I smiled and turned to look out the window. I watched as the tall, industrial looking buildings gave way to smaller brick offices and stores, fading to suburban homes and finally dying off to the looming dark, green trees of the countryside. The ancient looking trees broke sporadically to wide open fields of farms or a cluster of homes and a gas station, and I found myself thinking that the city we lived in was just a dream, a made up place that only held bad memories for all of us. Where everything seemed so isolated and unsullied by greedy hands, the harsh buildings seemed like a figment of my imagination.

The entire drive was spent without Naruto or I speaking, Konohamaru had fallen asleep almost the exact moment the heater kicked in, and the only sound in the car was the soft radio. I didn't really listen to the lyrics or the melody, it was just an ignored background noise that helped me think of things that kept my mind from where it wanted to be. Kept me from thinking about where exactly I stood with the blond man beside me, because, honestly, I was afraid of where that was.

We pulled into the long gravel driveway an hour and a half later, bumping over the irregularities in the surface gently. Naruto chuckled softly when the house came into view, and I felt him glance over at me. "Get ready to be introduced all over again, kid." I bit my lip at the last word and settled on giving him a small smile. He returned it generously and swung the car around, parking beside a very posh looking Impala. I got out and pulled Konohamaru from his car seat.

The little boy perked up immediately, rubbing his face in my scarf and knocking his hat to the ground. "Naruto, can you grab that?" Blue eyes shone in my direction and he grabbed the green, wool hat, leading the way up to the house. The dogs inside barked loudly when he knocked, forcing someone to yell at them to hush up. I heard myself laugh at that and the two Uzumaki's smiled.

The door swung open and a beaming Kiba greeted us, the dogs rushing forward to sniff the newcomers. I made my way around them carefully, holding onto the toddler in my arms even tighter, as Kiba led us into the house. The place smelled amazing and I found a grin on my face before I could help it. The last time I had been here I was surprised at the number of animals and the lack of animal smell. I really couldn't figure out how the two women did it.

Hana greeted me first, waving from the kitchen and I raised my hand to wave back, but a tall, intimidating man stepped in the way. "Rye-ah!" Konohamaru shouted at the white haired man, bouncing in my arms. The man gave a booming laugh and his hand reached out and messed the little boys hair. I, myself, was frozen.

"Hey there, little one." His eyes flashed to mine and he gave me a smile that reminded me of Naruto's, mischievous and impossibly bright. "And who's this pretty young woman?" I felt my face drop into a glare.

Naruto snorted behind me, his warm hand coming to rest on my shoulder. "You must be getting senile, Jiraiya."

"Eh?"

"Gaawa boy!" Konohamaru giggled. Two people in one month... Did I really look that feminine? The older male looked surprised for a second before he laughed as well.

"I fail to see the humor in this." I muttered and set the little boy down, pulling off his coat. Naruto took it from my hand when I offered it and I unwrapped my scarf and jacket, handing them over as well. The white haired male laughed again.

"Sorry, kid! That coat just screamed woman." His hand extended out to me. Note to self: Buy a new coat... something manly. "I'm Jiraiya, Naruto and Konohamaru's godfather."

I eyed the offered hand for a moment before taking it. "Gaara."

He smiled again and opened his mouth to say something when a woman's voice cut him off. "I've been telling the idiot to wear his glasses but he feels the need to ignore me." I turned my head as a blonde bombshell walked into the room, her eyes shining dangerously, a bottle of vodka in her hand. "Maybe seeing men as women will finally shock him into wearing them."

"What? And mess up these good looks?"

"You're in no danger of that." Naruto snorted. "Hey, old lady."

The woman's eyebrow popped in irritation. "What was that, you little snot?"

"Oh, you need me to speak up, grandma?"

"Die!" She shouted, pulling off her shoe and flinging it at him with surprisingly quick movements. The blond dodged it easily, a loud laugh lighting up his face. Konohamaru laughed as well, tiny hand reaching up and curling around my fingers. "Now you're teaching little one to be disrespectful." She glared at the blond beside me before turning to me with a smile. "I'm Tsunade, this idiot's wife." She threw a thumb in Jiraiya's direction.

"Nice to meet you." She gave me a soft smile, which only grew when she spotted Naruto's hand on my shoulder and Konohamaru's hold on my hand.

-

"Okay, Gaara, can you hand me that masher thingy?" Tsume asked, hands busy with a strainer and potatoes. I grabbed the black, plastic utensil and handed it over when she nodded. Hana pulled sweet potatoes from the oven and rotated the turkey. I watched them with interest and handed Konohamaru a carrot. He thanked me in a little voice before running off to find his papa. "So how are things?"

"They're okay, I guess." I answered, chopping up the celery quickly.

"Just okay?" Hana asked, her eyebrow raised. I nodded and held back a sigh. I was already in the kitchen helping with dinner, I didn't need to start acting like a woman. "Konohamaru seems to be attached to you." I smiled down at the vegetable in my hand and nodded. "How are things with Naruto?"

My rhythmical chopping faltered. "He's very nice to me," I whispered.

They glanced at each other and turned to me, leaning against the counter beside me and steered the conversation elsewhere. I gave a silent sigh of relief. Why did everyone always seem to zero in on what was happening between me and Naruto? Was it so obvious I liked him?

-Naruto-

"So what's going on with you and that redhead Gaara?" Jiraiya asked as we sat on the couch, a game of checkers on the table in front of us. I looked at him in surprise, my mouth open slightly. He smiled at me and moved a piece on the board before leaning back. I shook my head and went back to the game, pointedly ignoring the question. "Don't do that. I just want to know."

"Nothing." I muttered, taking out another of his pieces.

He sighed and shook his head. "Liar."

"What's that mean?"

"You know what it means."

"No, I don't."

"So you're ignoring it then?"

"Ignoring what?"

His eyes met mine and held them. The smile fell off his face as we stared at each other and a serious look replaced it. "If you push him away, you realize he'll get away from you, right?" I stared right back at him, a frown on my face.

"He should."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kiba asked from beside me, his voice lowered so it couldn't be heard by those in the kitchen. I glanced at the door, eyes falling on the smiling redhead. I watched him for a minute, his slender, pale hands occasionally reaching up and playing with a lock of hair by his ear, his eyes dancing as he smiled at whatever the women in the kitchen said, and listened to the laugh that made butterflies dance in my stomach. He was just so...

"He's still a kid, you know?" My eyes never left him. I'd thought about it all month. It wouldn't be right for me to ask him to give himself over, to tie him down, however fleeting, to an emotionally fucked up twenty-year-old and a three-year-old child. What would it do to him if we began to rely on him? Would I crush that light that seemed to drive away that hollow sadness that haunted his eyes? What if I disappointed him? Would he come to hate me for it? How could we make something like this work. I used to believe in that old saying 'love will find a way' but somewhere along the line I lost that. "At his age, it'd be like a death sentence to become involved with someone like me."

Jiraiya cleared his throat and my eyes wandered back to him. He was staring at the board when he spoke. "Isn't that his choice, though?" I stared at my godfather, trying to figure out what he was saying. He seemed to feel my confusion. "The kid likes you, Naruto. You're saying it doesn't matter if he likes you or not, it doesn't matter if you like him or not. It's like you've already got it in your mind that it won't work and you aren't willing to see if it will. You used to be the kid that threw himself into everything, believing anything would work if you gave it enough passion. When did you start doubting yourself?"

I stared at my hands. I used to be that person. I missed being that person. But I knew things didn't really work that way in real life. There was drive that could take you close to a goal, but it took luck to make that final leap to get everything to come together. "The day they died." My hand shot out and moved a piece randomly, my eyes going back to watching the redhead.

"So you'll die alone then?" I turned back to the older man sitting next to me. "Don't let something good get away from you just because you're scared." We stared at each other for a few minutes, his eyes screaming at me that I was being an idiot. And, while our eyes were connected, I knew he was right. I was being so ridiculously stupid. If I felt something for Gaara and he felt something for me, then surely we could work this out. I didn't want him to leave, I didn't want him to give up on me and find somebody new. I wanted him and by pushing him away I was making it so that that was his only option.

Tsume called us for dinner then and all of us stood, making our way to the dining room, Tsunade and Konohamaru already at the table. Gaara smiled at me as he walked past and my heart skipped a beat, my mind made up in that moment. Holding back like this was stupid.

I'd make him mine.

I couldn't stop smiling all throughout dinner. Everybody seemed to pick up on my mood, only Kiba and Jiraiya really knowing what was up with me. I couldn't help being excited. Optimistic thoughts seemed to cloud my brain and made the gathering even more wonderful to me, not only because some of my most treasured people were sitting around the table, but because everyone seemed to love the young man sitting beside my son. When dinner finished, Gaara helped Tsume and Hana clear the table, Konohamaru trailing behind the redhead like he was attached to the teen by some invisible string. I could see his eyelids drooping every time they stopped, but he kept right beside his nanny until they finished and the pale boy picked him up and held him against him.

The big brown eyes slid shut moments later, tiny hands holding onto Gaara's shirt gently. And though it seemed impossible, my excitement grew. Konohamaru had been trying in his own way to get me to accept the fact that the redhead would be staying with us, no matter how me or Gaara felt about it. Then my thoughts went above that. Had little one been trying to convince us to get together? I snorted at that thought and shook it away.

Gaara sat beside me on the couch after everything was settled and everyone sat around to talk. I shifted as smoothly as I could with my heart attempting to jumping out of my chest and slid my arm over his shoulders on the couch, careful to not touch him too much. He stiffened momentarily, but I held my ground and he relaxed. We sat there, Gaara remaining mostly quiet while the rest of us talked/shouted for hours. Somehow, during that time I placed my arm around his shoulder and we started talking about leaving, my arm had slipped from the couch and laid across his shoulders, with him leaning towards me. And though I remained calm, I was happily freaking out inside. The smile on Jiraiya's face and the look in Tsume's and Hana's eyes told me they noticed as well but weren't saying anything.

"Well, we should go before it gets freakishly dark." I announced happily. Gaara stood then, still cradling an awake Konohamaru in his arms. Little fingers played with the strands of red hair at the base of the teen's neck, and I had to smile again.

Everyone stood and we said our goodbyes, Tsume telling us to not be strangers and Jiraiya giving me a smirk. I returned it as I slid the coat on my little one, Gaara pulling the hat over his hair. We pulled our own coats on, and I picked up my child, smiling when he buried his face in my neck, and the teen grabbed the bag of leftovers the Inuzuka women forced on us. With one last wave, we walked out into the freezing wind. I laughed when the redhead complained about the snow that would be on us any day now. He put the bag on the backseat floor, and I buckled the little brunet into his seat, covering him in a blanket and giving him a kiss on the nose.

I climbed into the drivers seat, smiling as Gaara blew warm air into his hands. I turned the car on, started the heater and the radio. It was quiet in the vehicle while we made our way down the driveway and turned onto the highway. Halfway home, no one had said a word and I was becoming antsy. I really wanted to talk to Gaara about everything I had thought through that day, the conclusion I'd come to. I wanted to ask him to be patient with impossible me. More importantly, I wanted to know how he felt about me. But I couldn't bring myself to open my mouth to talk.

I swallowed nervously and searched for the words. All I drew up was a giant blank. How had I put my arm around him so casually back there? Because I didn't have to talk to do it... I just did what was natural. At some point my body had took over and I moved without thinking. I smiled at the road and glanced out over at the beautiful redhead beside me out of the corner of my eye. My fingers reached out and found his easily. His shoulders tensed for a second, but he didn't move his eyes from the window beside him, he didn't look at me, he didn't ask me what I was doing or, more importantly to me, move away from my touch. Our fingers folded together slowly and an impossibly happy smile broke out over my face.

Painkillers... painkillers made me do it. Insanely confusing romance. I love those.

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