"Hey."

Fuck my life. I don't need this right now.

I finish typing the text I was in the middle of and then look up at Troy. "Hi."

"Do you have a minute?"

I can't say no because I'm literally doing nothing. I'm waiting for Madison to finish taking a test so I'm sitting on a bench towards the entrance of the school. It's still awkward between us and I really have no idea what he wants to talk about. "Um, sure. What's up?"

He shrugs, like he doesn't have anything planned. "I just wanna say I'm sorry if I offended you last week, I don't even..."

"You didn't offend me," I clairfy, "you just made me mad."

"And I don't really get why," he says with a small laugh, "I was trying to make you feel better."

"I get that, but you can't. You can't stand there and tell me you think I deserve better because you don't know me anymore, Troy."

He stared at me for a moment, I think trying to think of what he should say. Or maybe realizing I'm right. Because I am. He has no right to tell me that when he shut me out for three years. For all he knows, Cole could've been too good for me. He doesn't even know Cole. So fuck him. "You still seem the same."

Seem, is the key word. "Yeah, well, maybe I'm not."

"I think you are," he says, "and that's exactly why I said what I said."

"What do you really want? Let's be real here. We're not going to be friends like we used to so what's the point?"

"It's different, I know," she agrees, "but you're really going to forget those 10 years just like that? I was trying here Gabriella, and I thought you were, too, so I really don't know what the problem is and why that comment made everything kinda stop."

Oh my goodness. I can't do this.

I get up. And I was going to just walk away, but I realized that's really immature.

So I say something before I leave. "Why shouldn't I? It seems like you forgot about them the second you went to Seattle, so why can't I?"

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? How many times do I have to tell you?"

"It's not enough. It never will be enough!" I'm practically yelling now. "You were my fucking best friend who I trusted with my whole life. Who I spent my days with. Who I loved hanging out with more than anyone. And then one days, it's gone, just like that. Because of you. Not me. You. So, for you to fucking come back and act like you didn't do anything wrong is beyond me. You ruined this friendship as much as I did, okay?"

"You didn't ruin it..."

"Stop," I shake my head, not wanting to talk about that kiss. "It's clear we're not cut out to be friends."

Troy looked a little frustrated. "So, that's it? I just don't understand."

Because I like you and the thought of being JUST your friend is fucking hard, okay? Obviously, I can't tell him that. I'll never tell him that. "Why does it matter so much? You were fine for three years in Seattle, obviously. You have other friends."

"Wow, maybe you have changed," he says and I felt a pain in my gut. It's hard. It's hard not being his friend. But it's even harder knowing why we can't.

"Are we done here?" I ask him.

"Forget it," he says, "obviously you don't care as much as I do, so whatever."

That's where he has it all wrong. But I'm not going to let him know that. Because letting him know will involve me spilling my feelings.

And I can't do that.

So, all I do is walk away and go wait in my car for Madison.

Once I'm in there, I close my yeas and think about all this bullshit. How life was so much easier back then. How great it was. I wish we were ten years old and we never reached an age where thinking about the opposite sex or same sex, whatever, was a thing. I just wish he was my best friend again.

And of course, I wish I hadn't kissed him. Even though feelings were there, that kiss solidified them for me. Because I felt something magical during that kiss.

Now, we're not friends. And it's going to be weird moving forward knowing he's right next door, but I'm going to have to do it.

It's better this way.

But why does it feel so fucking lousy?!

"Do you wanna get some ice cream or something?"

"Not really," I tell my sister as I contonue working on this math problem as she stands in my doorway.

I expected her to leave after that, maybe ask one of her friends or ask me brother, but she didn't. Instead, she made her way into my room and to the foot of my bed. "What's up with you? You've never said no to getting ice cream with me."

Ugh. She's right. I'm just not in the mood to leave the house. "I'm doing homework. And I'm in the zone right now."

"Well, after, obviously..."

"I'm just not in the mood, okay?"

"Why would you care to tell me why?" She sits on my bed.

No. Not really. I love my sister. We're best friends. I share most things with her. Mostly everything. But I haven't shared what's been going on lately because knowing her, she'll try to fix it and I can't have that. I can't take my chances with her so I've kinda shut her out about this whole thing.

But she obviously knows something is wrong. She lives with me. And she's also not dumb.

"I'm sad about Cole."

"Bullshit," she laughs. Harder than she probably needed to. "Truth, please."

"I just don't want any? I'm busy, I'm tired, I don't want to leave the house. Why does it matter so much?"

She shrugs, "it's not about the ice cream. I wanna know why you've been acting weird these past few weeks. Is it about Troy? I thought you guys resolved your issues and you guys were cool again, back to being friends. You went over there like everyday one week, I thought..."

I did, but for the puppy. "To see their dog. It's not like before."

"I know it's not. But I thought slowly, but surely, you guys would get there again. What's wrong?"

"Aid, I'm not in the mood."

"I'm your fucking sister," she tells me, "why can't you talk to me? If you're sad, let me be sad with you. If you're mad, let me be mad with you. I just wanna know what's going on. It's not about Cole, I know it's not. If you were really sad about your breakup that happened weeks ago, you'd call him up and we all know that boy would get back with you in a minute."

Okay, she's right. And I really, really appreciate her. But it's just a situation I don't wanna put her in the middle of.

But she insists. "I have feelings for Troy and he's dating Samantha and we're no longer friends."

"What?"

"I'm not going to repeat myself."

"I heard you, I'm just trying to process it. Okay. I knew this. But it's still there?"

Closing my math book, I sighed. "Yes, it's still there. And i can't be his friend because it's too hard. I want to be more than that but he's been hanging out with Samantha and I just can't stand back and see that. It's better this way, but it sucks. And we had a fight days ago and haven't talked since."

Adriana frowned. "This is like a movie. Your life is like a movie."

"Is that you trying to help?"

"Sorry," she says, "well, first of all, does he know about your feelings? You can't be mad at him for dating if he knows about it."

"I'm not mad at him for dating. I'm sad about it. He has to know. He's not dumb. He knew then, he probably knows now. He doesn't like. That's fine. It hurts. It does. But I'm not mad at him for it. I just can't stand back and be his friend when I'm feeling this way."

Adriana sighed, "well, you know it's his loss, right? But maybe he didn't get the chance to make a movie because you and Cole were still together."

Nah, that's not it. "Aid, it's fine. I totally accept it. It's just why we can't be friends."

"Why did you guys get in a fight?"

"It's silly. He told me I deserved better than Cole and I kind of just blew up. I mean, if he thinks I'm so great, why didn't he kiss me back?'" I tell her. "But then again, it also came back to him not keeping in touch. I mean, I could be a totally different person now for all he knows, you know?"

"Yeah, I understand, but I think he really does want you in his life."

I don't know. I really don't. "Those first few months without talking to him when he moved were the hardest, you know that."

She nods, "yeah, I know."

"It's just a really weird situation that is just going to take some time. Right now, I'm in the mood where I don't want to see him, run into him and I know that's impossible because he lives RIGHT there and we go to school together. And it's just bumming me out."

"You know, if it makes you feel any better I saw him and Samantha arguing in the hall today."

"No," I laugh, "it doesn't change things."

Adriana laughs as well, "I wish I knew what it was about, but yeah. I'm sorry."

She doesn't need to apologize. Troy doesn't need to apologize. You can't force someone to feel something. I would have been totally okay if he didn't kiss me back HAD he kept in touch because then years wouldn't have gone by where that would have been my last memory. It's a memory that changed everything, you know? If I kissed him, I told him it was a mistake and then we kept in touch and kept being friends like we used to be, it wouldn't have mattered. The distance and the no talking made the situation awkward and that's exactly why I can't let go of these feelings. Why we can't just be friends.

I'm hurt he doesn't like me, yes. But I'm definitely not mad about it. No way. That would be crazy.

As much as I would love to still have him in my life, it's just too hard.

So, like I said, it's better this way.