"What is that?"

"Nothing," I tell Blair as soon as she enters my room.

She gives me a weird look as she closes the door behind her. She immediately goes over to my desk and sets her food down. "Nothing?"

I shake my head as I put the letter back in the envelope and place it under my pillow.

I've reread this letter so many times. It's been a day and a half since I took it. I don't know if he realizes he's missing it, I don't know if he even knows he still has it. Nothing. I don't know much about it. All I know is that I love it. And I can't stop reading it.

But at the same time, it's making me go crazy. I mean, he's dating someone. It probably holds no value anymore. But if it does, if it does mean something...

Then what? What happens now?

Obviously, I have to confess to stealing the letter and that might not go over well.

"What is it?" Blair turns around as she takes off her cardigan, "you seem awfully suspicious."

"It's nothing," I tell her once again, "what'd you get?"

"Tacos," she tells me but that doesn't make her drop it. She comes over to me and I know in a matter of seconds she's going to snatch it from under the pillow, so I put my hand on top of the pillow and give her a smile. "Gabs. You're going to make me go crazy. What is it? Is it something bad?"

This is my best friend.

Who cares if she knows, right? But maybe this is something I just want to keep to myself. Something for me.

Then again, I need advice. I need someone's opinion on what to do.

So, I take a deep breath, pull the letter out from under the pillow and hand it over to her. "Um, I stole this from Troy's house the other day. It's a letter he wrote me when he left. I'm not sure why he never gave it to me, but just read it. And... yeah."

She carefully took it from me and opened it.

And I sat here, with my head against my headboard, hugging one of my pillows, patiently waiting for her to finish reading it.

I can't stop thinking about it. I know he wrote it right after and that the feelings were mutual. He liked me then, I liked him. But that's the past. I can't dwell on it anymore. And now, now I don't know what to do. I'm so confused about everything. I'm sad. I'm mad. I'm frustrated. I'm so many things.

"He doesn't know you have it?"

"No," I tell Blair once she's doing reading the letter, "I'm not even sure he knows he's missing it. It was in a box of old things. And I don't know if he still means it."

She put it back in the envelope and handed it to me.

And then she took a seat on my couch and gave me a small smile. "He felt the same way."

"Yeah," I put the letter on my nightstand and then look over at her, "but that was three years ago, and I have no idea what to do. It probably holds no truth now, he's with Samantha. What if he dated and realized that's how you're supposed to feel for a girl and what he felt for me was just what he thought he felt?"

"Gabs, no," she shakes her head, "you obviously still have feelings for him. e probably still does, too. He came back, but you were with Cole."

Yeah, I guess so. I don't know. I'm having a hard time accepting it.

I take a deep breath and truly think about this. "Yes, I was unavailable, but when he found out I was available, nothing happened. He didn't try anything. He kept hanging out with Samantha, so clearly he really likes her. And that's fine. He can like whoever he wants to. It hurts. But it's fine and I'm not mad about it. I just wish I hadn't found this letter then, you know? It's almost like a tease. And I don't know what to feel or think or do."

Blair understood. I love venting to her because we're almost always on the same page about things. "Well, that same day you did tell him to leave you alone."

"Oh my gosh, whose side are you on?"

"Yours, of course," she laughs, "but I'm just saying. You didn't give him a chance."

Yeah, maybe I didn't. But he's still with Samantha and I just can't help, but think that they're doing good. That they're happy. I'm not the greatest of friends with her, but people like her. She's popular. She's nice. So whatever. I get it. And she's super pretty. Ugh.

I sigh, sitting up. "I just don't know if I should pretend to have never read the letter. I don't want to interfere with his life, that's not me."

"Can I tell you something?"

"What?"

"Maybe I heard Troy and Samantha aren't doing so great."

What? Is she seriously going to give me insider information right now? "How do you know?"

She gives me a small smile as she brings both legs up on my bed. "Well, my boyfriend is friends with Troy, duh. Yesterday, actually, I went over to Dylan's and Troy was there, they were playing video games and he got a call and looked frustrated and upset. I don't know what was said because he was outside, but you could just tell he was having an intense conversation by the pacing, the look on his face. So, I asked Dylan if he was okay, if things are okay and he said, yeah, it's just Sam, that it's not really working out or whatever. I tried to pry without him asking why I was asking so I don't know much, I just know that Dylan thinks he's over it."

I mean, seeing him single would hurt less. But it probably has nothing to do with me. And them breaking up, maybe it wouldn't change anything.

Maybe he doesn't have feelings for me anymore.

"I don't really know how to feel about it, because it probably doesn't have anything to do with me."

"Maybe not," she shrugs, "but I think it's not working out so that'll mean he'll be single, not hanging out with anyone and maybe you can get to the bottom of things with this letter. Figure out why he never gave it to you, if he still means it..."

"But then I have to fess up to stealing it," I frown, "what if he gets so mad about that? I don't know, B, I'm scared."

She laughed, "I know it's a tough situation, but you guys aren't friends right now so what's the worse that can happen? I think that already happened."

Hmmm, she's right. The worst has happened, so why not just ask him about it? I have to. I know I do.

If not, it's going to drive me absolutely crazy.

"Thanks, B, you're the best."

"I am, aren't I?" She laughs as she gets up and goes to her food, "you're the best, too. And he probably still knows that."

I hope so.

Every year, there's a fundraiser for each grade level and it's typically held in a banquet hall.

But for us seniors, it's held at Noah Baldwin's house.

His mom is very involved in the school, and his backyard can fit the whole senior class and more so it's here. All the students come, mingle, and we raise money for certain charities. Our school is all about giving back. And this year, our charity is the children's hospital.

It's not mandatory that you attend, but it's requested and typically everyone does. It's a social gathering for a good cause. Who wouldn't wanna attend?

"Do you guys wanna grab sushi after?"

"Um, I'm actually staying back," Madison tells Kylie, "Noah wants to hang."

We all squealed, pretty much. And then we kept it together because people were around and we didn't want to bring attention.

I was so happy. They had their official first date last week and it went well, obviously. They're hanging out. They make such a beautiful couple, it's not fair. "And you were skeptical about him being into you, psh. But how exciting. Does his mom know you guys are hanging out?"

"Yeah, she knows," she sips on her lemonade, "it was actually her idea for me to stay after. We're gonna grab dinner, get to know each other I guess."

"Ah, are you nervous?" Blair chimes in, "I was so nervous meeting Dylan's parents."

"I mean, I've met her so not totally. But it's intimidating."

Definitely. But she'll do fine. Madison is so nice, there's no way anything could possibly go wrong.

The fundraiser is from 2-5. It's 4ish. We got here about 15 minutes ago. Pretty much the whole school is still here and they're just serving appetizers and drinks so going to dinner afterwards sounds great. I'm always down for sushi. I'm in, Blair's in, Kylie's in. I'm not sure who else she's asking.

But I'm definitely in.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," I tell them.

I walked away, drinking the rest of my lemonade before heading inside.

You're not really supposed to be inside, but using the bathroom is the exception. It would just get too packed in there and you obviously don't wanna break anything in their house or dirty it. We were all allowed to use the guest bathroom, though, that was easy access from the outside.

Once I was done, I made my way back to my friends, but before I could, I saw Samantha and Troy.

Inside the house.

So, I stopped. I stopped before they could see me.

I just didn't want to run into them. It's bad enough running into Troy, but running into both of them together? Ugh. Awkward. So, I held back. I stood behind a wall where they couldn't see me. I assume they're either walking to the front door or using the bathroom or something. I don't know. I just know that I definitely don't want to run into them. And thankfully, they couldn't see me where I'm hiding.

"I'm not doing this here," I hear Troy tell her.

"No one's around!" She argued, "why don't you want to talk about it? I want to talk about it!"

I saw Troy stop walking and turn around to face her, "We're at a fundraiser for school, Sam. I'm not going to talk about it here."

As he turned around, she stood firm and folded her arms. "Well, I'm not moving until we talk about it. What the fuck is going on here? I don't understand. I don't understand what I did, what's going on, why it's been SO weird."

Shit. Shit. Shit. I can't believe I'm about to be privy to this information. How the hell is no one else in here right now? Why is it just me? Should I pop out?

Definitely not.

I'm definitely interested in this conversation.

But it's so wrong to eavesdrop. Especially like this. When I'm standing behind a wall in another room, peeking out. I guess if they catch me, I can just make it seem like I was coming out of the bathroom. It wouldn't be embarrassing. But I just don't want them to. I don't know what to fucking do here.

Troy turns around again and sighs. "I'm sorry. It's just... I don't know. I just can't do it."

"But I thought things were good," she says, "you met my parents. I don't just introduce them to anyone!"

Lie. That's definitely a lie.

She dated my friend Gabe for a few weeks and he was a little creeped out that after their first date, she asked if he wanted to have dinner with her mom.

Troy and her have been dating longer, but I don't think they're boyfriend and girlfriend. According to Blair. And I mean, she would definitely know. She's dating one of his best friends. It's easy to find that shit out. Still, though, Troy isn't special. She introduces guys to her parents like nothing.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes to er again, "I don't know what you want me to say."

"I want to know why. Like, what's going on?"

"Sometimes things just don't work out," he says, putting it as gently as he possibly could.

She stood there for a moment, arms crossed and looked miserable. His back was to me so I couldn't tell how he looked, but I could hear the way he was saying things. And then she spoke up. "Is there someone else, is that why?"

Troy just stood there. Dammit. I hate that I can't see his face. "I'm not dating anyone, I wasn't dating anyone else, there's just something I need to sort out."

"And then what? You sort things out, you figure out your feelings for whoever she is and then maybe everything will be fine again with us?"

"Sam, sometimes it's just not there. I'm sorry. I don't really know what else you want me to say," he tells her, "it's not you. You did nothing wrong. I just can't date someone when I don't have things sorted out, when I don't know what's going on with myself."

"I get that. But what if she doesn't even want you?"

Troy nods, "yeah, she probably doesn't. But I need time to process that. I can't be with anyone right now. It's just not there. I'm sorry..."

She shook her head, looking pissed. "I knew you were like every other guy."

And with that, she walked away.

Troy stood here, not moving for a moment. And I didn't really know what to do. Should I come out? Should I wait to see where he goes? What do I do?!

I decided to just come out. But I had to do it so he doesn't think I overheard. I walked to the front of the house, opened the door quietly and then slammed in so it seems like someone was coming in. And then I proceeded to walk through the house towards the kitchen area where he was standing,.

As soon as Troy heard me come, he turned around.

We didn't say anything to each other. I didn't expect him to. He doesn't even really look at me at school.

But now, I want him to talk to me.

Ever since that letter, I want to talk to him. I know I do. And maybe it starts here.

With me.

"Are you leaving? I ask him, "or why are you in here?"

"Oh, um, yeah, I'm heading out," he says, looking away for a moment, but then back at me, "were you... in here just now?"

I shake my head, "no, I went to my car really quick. Just came back in."

There was a small moment of silence between us. Neither of us really knew what to do, how to go about it. What if this girl he's talking about is not me? But I can't help but think it's me since that letter. He came back. He's here. He said he'll love me forever. So, I have to assume it's about me, right?

And it gives me major butterflies.

"Okay, well, um, I guess I'll see you around," he tells me and I'm kinda hurt by it. Why is he being like this?

"You okay?"

"What?" He seems taken aback that I'm initiating conversation. "Yeah, I'm fine..."

I get it. He probably finds it weird since the past few weeks I've barely looked his way, he's barely looked my way and we established that we weren't friends anymore. So, it's weird. It is. But I can't just be like that anymore. I found this letter. I was privy to this conversation. It's almost like God is giving me a clear sign that I have to woman up and talk to him. About everything. About us. And where we stand, what could happen, if anything can happen.

Because God knows I still like him. A lot, a lot.

"I'm gonna go," he says, "can you do me a favor and tell Dylan I left? My phone's dead and I don't really feel like going back in here."

"Oh, yeah, sure."

"Thanks," he gives me the smallest of smiles and then walks away.

Ugh. Maybe this is going to be harder than I thought. Maybe he's over it. Maybe it's nothing anymore.

But it has to be. It has to be something.

I need to talk to him.