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P.S. For those confused about the repost, I edited this and clicked the wrong button so I accidently deleted the first chapter 17, so yeah..
CHAPTER XVII. Articles and the Landscapes
FOUR
After the whole, 'talk' with Tobias, I met up with Christina and Will. The Erudite just delivered more lies about Abnegation, however this article isn't a lie.
From the Journal of Jeanine Matthews, head of Erudite
We still believe Abnegation should give the Erudite the control of the government. There's been too much tyranny of the leaders and their children. The teachings of Abnegation is questioned if they cannot even contain their own child. We believe Marcus is abusive to his daughter, Beatrice Eaton.
I shiver at the sight of my real name, and I don't even continue reading the rest of the article. I dump all the papers into the chasm. Christina and Will do the same.
"These articles are a load of crap." Christina says. I nod.
"Why's the tension so high between Erudite and Abnegation?" I ask, even if I already know the answer.
Will sighs. "Governmental issues."
I look up to see a figure walking through the hallways in the level above us. The way it walks, head held high, posture straight, it could only be one person.
"Hey, I'm just going to ask Tobias something first."
"Okay. Be safe." Will says.
"I will. I'll be with Tobias."
"Sure you are." Christina wiggles her eyebrows.
"Shut up." I walk away and follow Tobias. Over my shoulder, in my peripheral vision, I see Christina and Will laughing about something. They are such a cute couple. I smile at the thought.
I follow Tobias and we arrive at the fear landscape room, which looks completely different than the first time we saw it, like Tobias said it would.
"Since you're here," He says over his shoulder while holding a syringe, "You might as well go in with me."
"Into your fear landscape?" I am surprised he trusts me. I think I might tell him the truth…
"Yes." He says quietly.
"You can do that?" I walk towards him.
"The serum connects you to the program, but the program decides whose landscape you go through. And right now," He hesitates at first, "It's set to put us through mine."
"You would let me see that?" I smile.
"Yes. There are some things I would like to show you." He mumbles something under his breath.
He injects my neck, I don't flinch, and hands me the other syringe.
"I've never done this before." I don't want to hurt him. Not him, not anyone.
"Right here," He taps his neck. I inject it and he slightly flinches.
He takes his hand in mine. "See if you can figure out why they call me Six,"
I inch closer to him.
"Okay Tobias."
We close our eyes and open them to find each other in a dry, grassy field. It seems more like a marsh when I look at it. "What's this fear?"
"Crows." I look up and hundreds of crows swoop down at us, and peck and scratch at us.
"It's just a simulation Tobias," I comfort him. He takes deep breaths, and holds something up in his hand.
A gun.
How'd he get that?
He shoots at the crows and the scene before us disappears.
We are in a glass box. I gulp. My claustrophobia isn't going to help at all. I look out the box and see all my friends, Eric, and other Dauntless members. Eric smirks and points at Tobias's feet. I breathe heavily and look down to see water rising up.
"We have to go down." I say. He nods.
"One, two three!" We hold hands and go under the water. We stay like this for seconds and we resurface to find ourselves in a large body of water, churning and twisting us around.
"Tobias!" I can't find him.
"Four!" He says.
"We have to go down again!"
"Okay!"
I go down under the surface of the water, and I suppose he does too because we disappear from the water. I look up to find us tied to one another, back to back, and Eric.
"This is for ruining my life, ruining my glory." Eric sets us on fire.
"No, you know what I smell? Rain." Tobias spits out.
The dry desert sky turns into a stormy one; and rain drops spill everywhere.
"Six. The second to last one." Tobias says.
Seven?
"I thought you only had six fears?" I ask.
He blushes. "I don't…share this one."
The setting changes into an apartment, which looks a lot like Tobias's.
I look around to see a four-poster bed behind Tobias. He blushes red and looks embarrassed. I try to move towards him, but the simulation freezes me. I look up to see a simulation…
Me.
Simulation me moves towards Tobias, pushes him down onto the bed, and starts kissing his neck.
This is embarrassing.
I blush red.
Just before simulation me unbuckles Tobias's pants, he says, "Four, I'm not going to have sex with you in a simulation."
He then kisses simulation me hard and the scene disappears.
We find ourselves in a black room. "Uh…" Tobias blushes.
"Intimacy." He says.
"It's okay…" I say. My heart flutters at my presence in his fear. He's not scared of me.
He's scared of intimacy.
But I was in that fear, which means he likes me.
I see Tobias holding a gun, Caleb, Natalie, Andrew, and Jeanine Matthews.
"You have ten seconds to kill your family. If not, you will die." Jeanine says.
This is his fear of losing his family.
"Ten,"
"Nine,"
"It's okay Tobias. We will always love you." Natalie says.
My heart breaks. I want a family like that.
"Eight,"
"Seven,"
"We understand," says Andrew with a sad smile.
"NO!" Tobias yells.
"Six,"
"Five,"
"Four,"
"Three,"
"Two,"
"One,"
"I won't do it!" Tobias holds the gun up to his head and pulls the trigger.
I open my eyes to be back in the fear landscape room with Tobias. He is standing still. I interlock our hands.
"It's just a simulation."
He nods.
"Um…about my sixth fear…" He blushes and scratches the back of his neck.
I blush. "Let's not think about that. Can we um… go through my landscape?"
I'm going to do it.
I'm going to tell him about Marcus.
"You sure?" Tobias asks.
I nod. He types some words into the computer and we inject each other with the serum.
We hold hands.
"You already know I have four fears."
"What's your real name?" He asks.
"See if you can find that out."
We close our eyes.
The simulation takes us.
We stand on the roof, and the heavy wind starts blowing. I lean against Tobias for support, and he wraps his hand around my shoulder. I have to begin to force breaths in and out of my lips. Not just because the electricity from his body is trying to stop my lungs from functioning.
It's the heights.
"We have to jump off, right?" He shouts over the blaring wind. I stiffly nod. He looks at me sympathetically.
How does this not scare him?
"On three, okay?" I nod again.
"One…two…three!" He pulls me with him into a run, and we fall. I try to steady my breathing. The scene disappears.
I see him smile, as we sit in the room that's only small enough for me alone.
"What's next?" He asks.
"It's-" I am cut off when the walls hit him, and he slams into me, my body jolting.
"Confinement." He finishes for me.
My breaths start to grow heavier by the millisecond.
"Hey," He whispers. "Hey it's okay. Here,"
He pulls my arms around his body, so that I can move. It honestly takes away what little breath I have.
"This is the first time I'm happy I'm used to closed spaces when Zeke accidently trapped me in the elevator." He says with a laugh, trying to distract me.
"Mmhmm," I say, my voice strained with my breathing.
"We can't get out of here," He says, "It's easier to face the fear head on, right?"
Yeah, my heartbeat's never coming back to normal. Not with you AND the walls. He responds for me.
"So what we need is to make the space smaller. Make it worse so it gets better. Right?"
I normally just calm down, but I can't with Tobias here, so close to me. I guess I'll have to face it, my Divergence is already known by him.
"Yes." I say, tersely.
"Okay. We'll have to crouch, then. Ready?" He squeezes my waist, making me blush. We crouch, as the ceiling inches down. I feel his breath against my ear.
"Ah," My voice is raspy. "This is worse. This is definitely…"
"Shh." He orders. "Arms around me."
I obediently slip my arms around him. I am stuck partly straddling his hips, as I sit on his ankle. I can see a shadow of a smile forming on his lips. I'd smile too, if I wasn't scared as hell right now. God, what was I thinking bringing him in here? Now he probably just going to think I'm weak. Well, it's too late now.
"The simulation measures your fear response, so if you ca calm your heartbeat down, it will move on to the next fear. Remember? So try to forget that we're here."
"Yeah?" I whisper. "That easy, huh?"
He smiles, rolling his eyes. "You know, most girls would enjoy being trapped in close quarters with a hot guy."
"Not claustrophobic people, Tobias!" My voice shrills more than I had intended it to be.
"Okay, okay." He pulls my hand to his heart, and jolts of electricity run through my veins, but I'm too scared to notice.
"Feel my heartbeat. Can you feel it?"
"Yes."
"Feel how steady it is?"
"It's fast." I quickly say, trying not to waste my breath.
"Yes, well, that has nothing to do with the box." I see him slightly wince, and I let out a laugh.
"Every time I breathe, you breathe. Focus on that."
I nod. "Okay." I let my breath synchronize with his.
"Why don't you tell me where this fear comes from. Maybe talking about it will help us…somehow." I was afraid he'd ask. Let me think.
Closed spaces…
Closet.
"Um…okay. This one is from my fantastic childhood," My voice drips with sarcasm. "Childhood punishments. The tiny closet upstairs."
He ponders about it for a moment. "My mother kept our winter coats in our closet."
I don't understand how he doesn't realize that we are talking about the same closet. How he doesn't realize that the closet upstairs is only in Abnegation designed houses.
"I don't…" I gasp, "I don't really want to talk about it anymore." Painful memories.
"Okay. Then…I can talk. Ask me something." He says.
"Okay," I laugh shakily. "Why is your heart racing, Tobias?" Like I need an answer.
He slightly cringes, and I smile softly. "Well," He starts.
"I barely know you. I barely know you and I'm crammed up against you in a box, Four, what do you think?"
I steady my breathing, then the walls vanish. I sigh and lift my arms from Tobias's body, feeling his body warmth disappear.
I look to see the Abnegation woman in the chair and a gun next to her. It looks a lot like Evelyn. My heart lurches when I see the sight of my deceased mother.
"You have to kill her," He says softly.
I never want to hurt any innocent soul.
Not like Marcus.
"Every single time," I whisper.
"She isn't real," He reassures me.
"She looks real," I bite my lip. "It feels real." It feels real, real that I am murdering someone so innocent.
Especially Evelyn.
"If she was real, she would have killed you already."
No. My mother would never kill me.
"It's okay," I nod.
"I'll just do it. This one's not…not so bad. Not as much panic involved." I exhale, push the barrel of the gun to her head. I picture Marcus and I, Tobias and Peter. I wish he pulled the trigger the first day we did guns. I pull the trigger, and she crumples to the floor.
"Here we go," I whisper as he grabs my arm, pulling me away. I follow him to my last fear. I stop cold. I see a figure in the distance of the surrounding grey walls, but I know who it is already. When Tobias was watching the fears, it'd be hard to recognize the figure. But up close…
I start to breathe hard. Tobias looks at me curiously. Then Marcus emerges from the dark, with his black, lifeless pits for his cruel, vain eyes.
"Marcus," He whispers.
"Here's the part," I say, my voice shaking with fear, "Where you figure out my name."
"Is he…" He points at Marcus. Then stops. "You're Beatrice."
Then Marcus shows us his hands and I see the belt that whipped me for years, scarred me for a lifetime. My terror only worsens as he multiply, the figures circling us. I let out a choked sob, almost unaware of Tobias in the background.
"This is for your own good," He says. And then they all come.
I freeze still.
All I can do is stop the tears from falling. I shrink back, accustomed to old habit, to hide from my father's whip. Just when he swings, Tobias steps in front of me.
My worst nightmare just escalated.
My father is beating the boy I love.
Did I just admit that?
It doesn't matter. I see him jolt in pain, but I still can't move. I still can't help him.
Then I jolt out of it.
I stand, all fear replaced with pure anger.
My vision goes red and I miss whatever happens next. I stand and shove Tobias behind me. All fear is gone.
"NO!" I punch Marcus, then they vanish. The lights in the simulation room come on. I'm free.
He looks at me. If I look as vulnerable as I feel, then that explains his reaction.
He wraps his hand around my elbow and pulls me toward him. My lips move against his cheek, but I pull him into a hug and bury my face into his neck, trying to stifle the tears. The electricity is pounding, but I don't notice it. I'm too scared.
All I can do is stare at him, my lips parted slightly. I am completely amazed that he stood up to Marcus, that he was willing to take the force of the blow for me, that he is trying to comfort me.
He cares about me.
He wraps his arms around my waist.
I hold my lips on his cheek, every kiss trying to thank him. I bury my face in his chest, wanting him to comfort me.
"Hey," He whispers softly. "We got through it." I lift my head, his fingers stroking my hair.
"You got me through it," I whisper.
"Well. It's easy to be brave when they're not my fears."
I lace my fingers with his.
"Come on," I say. "I have something to show you.
-o0o-
I lead him to my secret spot; the one where I hid when Marcus came on visiting day. We carefully walk across the slippery rocks, and sit down on the large boulder I hid behind.
"So… seven fears?" I ask, trying to break the silence.
"Seven fears then…seven fears now."
There is a slightly awkward silence creeping in.
"You were going to tell me about your aptitude test results," I say.
"Ah," He says, scratching his neck. "Does it really matter?"
"Yes, I want to know," I press on.
"How demanding are you?" He smiles. I lightly hit his arm playfully, our hands still together.
"My result was as expected, Abnegation." Oh.
"What was yours?" He asks me. I gulp.
"Same."
He knows I'm Divergent, and how he knows about it, only God knows.
But knowing that there could be a camera anywhere, we don't share our results.
"Oh," He says, sounding disappointed. "But you chose Dauntless anyway?"
"Out of necessity." I reply.
"Why did you have to leave?"
I bit my lip and look over the chasm. He doesn't press the matter further, I guess he can infer my reason after my fears.
"You had to get away from your dad," He states. I inwardly cringe when he says 'dad'.
He will never be my father.
"Why didn't you choose Dauntless leader?" I ask, suddenly curious.
I mean, he was first.
He sighs and shrugs. "I was the first transfer to ever transfer from Abnegation to Dauntless. I wanted to be able to see my family. I see my father, Andrew, at Ambassador meetings. I wouldn't want all the pressure of being a leader put on me."
"You probably aren't going to choose Dauntless leader as your job. Because if you did, you might have to see him again." He says. I shrug.
"That, and I already feel like I don't quite belong among the Dauntless. Not the way they are now, anyway."
It's true. The Dauntless seem more cruel.
"But you're incredible," He says, shock clearly portrayed. I blush. He clears his throat. "I mean, by Dauntless standards. Four fears is unheard of. How could you not belong here?"
I don't really have an explanation for him.
Yes, I am top in initiation, and basically a prodigy among the Dauntless, but I'm not sure why.
I could tell him how I felt that even though I am away from Marcus, I still need to be able to defend myself and that makes me work harder, but that would lead to more questions and lies than I would like.
Abnegation was safer. But Marcus, made it hell.
But is Dauntless all that different?
"I have a theory that selflessness and bravery aren't all that different. All your life you learn to forget yourself. So in danger, it becomes your first instinct. I could be an Abnegation just as easily." I say. His eyes light up, probably thinking about his own instincts.
"Yeah, well, I left Abnegation because I wasn't selfless enough, no matter how hard I try to be." He says nonchalantly.
"That's not entirely true," I tell him and smile. "That boy who let someone throw knives at him to spare a friend," I recall Zeke's story.
FLASHBACK BEGIN
"Hey! That's not fair!" Tobias had spoken up. Amar glared at him to shut up. Jason, the other cruel Dauntless leader, smirked.
"Well, why don't you take his place then?" Tobias nodded and walked up to the target. Eric and his trio; consisting of two others-now Factionless-Alyssa and Miguel, snickered.
Tobias shared a glance with Nate, who failed at hitting the target at all. Amar threw knives at Tobias, who did not flinch at all. The last knife nicked his ear.
FLASHBACK END
His Nate was my Al. Zeke told me that Nate committed suicide because he couldn't take the fears anymore, like Al.
But Al did not suicide of stress.
He killed himself of guilt.
Of cowardice.
I feel a bit guilty of the possibility of him still being alive if I had forgiven him.
"Who took a hit from my dad to protect me, that selfless boy, that's not you?" I say.
He frowns. "You've been paying close attention, haven't you?"
"I like to observe people," I say, my heart thumping.
"Maybe you were cut out for Candor, Four, because you're a terrible liar."
"Fine," I lean my face closer to his. "I watched you because I like you." I say it like it's no big deal, but inside my head is buzzing at what I just admitted.
'I like you.'
It just came out. I look him in the eyes.
"And don't call me Four, okay? It's nice to hear my name again, only if we're alone. No one else knows."
"Okay, Beatrice. Um…" His cheeks tint red for a second and he scratches the back of his neck.
"Can….I see your tattoos?"
I smirk.
"Are you asking me to undress, Tobias?"
He blushes a deeper red.
"Only…partially?"
I smile, but it disappears.
I turn around and take off my shirt, revealing the flames and Faction symbols.
Also, my scars.
I feel his warm gaze being set on the thousands of small, white lashed scars that invade my bruised back.
His hand gently touches each symbol that runs down my back. My bra is in between the Abnegation and Dauntless symbol. I blush.
"Why do you have all of them?" He asks.
I sigh. "I don't want to be just one thing." I pause, grasping for the right words.
"I want to be brave, and selfless, and smart, and honest, and kind." I turn back toward him.
"I continually struggle with kindness." He laughs.
"I think you are all of those things. We can work on kindness." I laugh. I put my shirt back on.
He looks down and seems like he is working something through his head.
"Beatrice…I'm just going to say it. I like you. Ever since you came down that net."
I blush, my skin matching the red color of his.
"But you're older than I am, Tobias."
"Yes, that whopping two-year gap is really insurmountable, isn't it Beatrice?" He jokes. I smile at the sound of my name coming off his lips. Beatrice.
"I'm not trying to be self-deprecating," I quickly say. "I just don't get it. I'm younger, I'm not pretty, I-" Just before I could say the true words, 'I am damaged enough as it is,' he cuts me off with a laugh.
He kisses my temple.
"Don't pretend," I scowl. "You know I'm not. I'm not ugly, but I am certainly not pretty."
"Fine. You're not pretty. So?" He seems to not really care less, and he kisses my blushing cheek. "I like how you look. You're deadly smart." He kisses my other cheek.
"I like how that even though you found out about Marcus, you aren't giving me that look. Like I'm a kicked puppy or something." I say. I don't know why, but this is the thing about him that stands out to me the most. I don't want anyone's pity. I only want to move on.
"Well, you're not." He says.
I look at him, and the next thing I know, he cups my face in his gentle hands and leans in. Our lips brush gently. I look up at him and grin, mentally thanking him for all that he has been through with me, and he is still here. He kisses me again, more firm this time.
After a few minutes of talking, he walks me back to my dorm again.
He looks around to make sure no one is watching, and he gives me another kiss goodnight.
My heart is beating. I know that we have to keep our relationship a secret, or else things would be bad. I shower, and change out in the open. I am careful not to wake up the other initiates. I crawl under the covers, and sleep with a smile on my face.
-o0o-
I wake up covered in sweat and salty tears. Another nightmare.
But this one was different.
I wasn't bashed into a small closet, or being beaten by Marcus.
I was forced to watch Marcus beat Tobias.
And I couldn't do anything about it.
I groan and dismissively wipe the tears away. I look around and squint; seeing that I am the only one up. I look at my watch, which glows bright in the dark.
4:30.
In the morning.
I sigh, and push the covers away. I walk towards the bathroom, and open the drawer, pulling out a pair of scissors. I stare at my reflection in the mirror. Bloodshot, puffy, tear-stained eyes. Bruises and cuts from him and initiation. Messy dirty blonde hair. I raise the scissors to the tips of my hair, and cut.
I cut and trim my hair until it is at the Abnegation length for women, an inch or two below my shoulders. I sweep the remainder of the hair on the floor, into the trash can. I tip-toe back into the dormitory, still hearing the orchestra of snoring. I climb into my covers and drift off into sleep.
-o0o-
I wake up once again, having the same nightmare as earlier.
"Hey, Four, you all right?" I turn to the caring, yet opinionative voice of Christina.
I sniff. "Yeah, just a nightmare."
Christina walks over to me and sits by me on my bed. "Me too. It'll help if we talk about it. You want to?"
I never really got to talk about my nightmares with Christina, I never really had a friend to talk to about anything. I smile, and nod.
I take in a sigh. "Um… just, fears, I guess."
"Me too. Well, let's go eat breakfast, shall we?" She smiles.
"Sure." I look around to see we are the only initiates in the dorm.
Christina must see my puzzled look because she says, "They left for breakfast early. We still got an hour until training though."
"Four, can you be a girl for a second?"
I frown. "I'm always a girl."
She rolls her eyes and smiles. "No, like… a girly-girl."
I twirl a loose strand of my blond hair through my finger. "Kay," I bat my eyelashes.
She smiles. "Well… WILL ASKED ME OUT!" She squeals.
"I thought he already did," I question.
She shakes her head, still widely grinning.
"WHEN? WHERE? WHY? HOW? TELL ME!" I practically scream.
"Never knew you could be such a girl!" I raise my eyebrow at her.
"Yesterday, when you left, we decided to walk around the train tracks. We aren't allowed to be outside the compound, since you know, we need a Dauntless member with us, right? But we didn't really care. He asked me, I said yes, and we kissed!" I smile and hug her.
"That's awesome Christina!"
We walk to the dining hall, and sit with Will. I look up to see Tobias, Zeke, Lauren, and Shauna walking in. Our gaze meets, and he clearly notices my hair cut, but doesn't let it show. His shadow of a smile tugs at his lips upward slightly. I about to raise my hand to wave at him, but he ignores me and sits down.
I start to feel hurt.
I turn back to Christina and Will, who sit across from me. I chew my eggs and look up to see Christina staring at me, inspecting me.
"What?" I mumble, mouth full of egg.
Her eyes widen and she snaps her fingers.
"That's where I've seen it! You got a haircut! I've seen it on other Abnegation at school!" I blush.
"Feeling homesick, are we Four?" Will says. I almost gag.
Homesick, my ass. I'd never miss that bastard.
He throws a grape at me, and I easily catch it, throwing it back at his face, which hits him in the forehead.
"Oh yeah, congrats by the way you two." I say, smirking. Christina and Will blush.
Ten or fifteen minutes later, Tobias and Lauren stand up and beckon us (the transfers and Dauntless born) to them. We follow them to the Fear Landscape room. There, we all sit down in our assigned spots. I wave at Zalia, Gabe, Joey, Uriah, Marlene, and Lynn, who smile, except Lynn, which is normal, and wave back.
"Initiates." All our heads turn towards Lauren and Tobias, who looks down at his feet as if they are the most interesting thing ever. Lauren begins to speak.
"Today we're doing something different. You will be going through my fears, each of you will be assigned one. This is practice for calming down in fears. They are not your fears, but if any of them relate, you'd either have an easy time or hard time in the stimulation. I will assign your fears. Some of you will have the same fear as another."
She goes by the line, giving each one of us one of her fears.
I am assigned kidnapping. I gulp.
Time goes by as each of the other initiates face Lauren's fears. Marlene has to face walls closing in, and I am glad I didn't get that fear.
I was only able to get through it with Tobias last night.
The door opens and Peter comes out, slightly traumatized and bright red.
"Four," Tobias beckons to me. I stand up, my knees wobbly. I walk into the room and sit in the chair.
"Be brave Four," He injects my neck with the serum and everything goes black.
More next chapter!
WHAT ALL OF U HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR. THE FOURTRIS!
Well, Fourbias...that sounds weird. Let's make it BeaSix.
Please review, follow, favorite, and check out my other stories!
~TrissyPoo