Hello Divergenters! So it's official, Over the Years and Truths and Lies have been deleted. :(
R.I.P OTY AND TAL, 5/28/14.
So this is the moment you've all been waiting for, before the Tribias!
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P.S. READ THE VERY IMPORTANT AN BELOW! IMPORTANT!
Chapter XIX. Fear Factor
TRIS
In Abnegation, I had experienced the initiation process before, being the leader's daughter.
More like punching bag.
It is a quiet affair. The initiates, who spend thirty days performing community service before they can become full members, sit side by side on a bench. One of the older members reads the Abnegation manifesto, which is a short paragraph about forgetting the self and the dangers of self-involvement, and it's a very small manifesto in comparison to the other factions'. Then all the older members wash the initiates' feet. Then they all share a meal, each person serving food to the person on his left.
The Dauntless don't do that.
If anything, the entire compound of Dauntless is nothing but insanity and chaos on the day of the final test, then the initiation ceremony.
After managing to grab a plate of food from the dining hall at lunch through the thick crowd of celebratory Dauntless, and escaping an encounter from Uriah, Zalia, Marlene, Lynn, Gabe, and Joey being normal Dauntless borns-on a Dauntless cake and Amity bread sugar high-I walk back to the dormitory to eat.
Dauntless members give me smiles and nods of hello, some to which I return. Unlike every other Dauntless member, I am nervous for final testing. All the initiates are.
Well, probably everyone except my Dauntless born friends.
And Peter and his trio.
I still don't like him, even when he tried to get me to join his group.
FLASHBACK (FIRST STAGE RANKINGS)
"Stiff," Peter says. I scowl.
"What do you want?" I ask.
I turn to face him, and standing by his sides are his followers, Drew and Molly, who are frowning.
Peter smirks. I have to look up slightly to make eye contact.
"How about you join the cool Dauntless? Instead of hanging out with those people," he says, gesturing to Will and Christina.
I frown. I'm not going to hang out with him, not now, not ever.
He's cruel. Like him. And I might turn into him.
Which I fear already might happen.
"No thank you." The Abnegation's kicking back in.
But I guess respecting intimidating people in just in my nature.
"You'll regret this Stiff." Peter snarls, and storms out of the room, leaving me with Drew and Molly, who harrumph snottily and follow behind quickly.
FLASHBACK END
On the way I see someone fall off the path on the Pit wall and, judging by his screams and the way he grabs at his leg, he broke something. At least the dormitory is quiet. I stare at my plate of food.
I just realize what I grabbed, which looked good to me at the time, I chose a plain chicken breast, a scoop of peas, and a piece of brown bread.
Abnegation food.
I sigh. Abnegation is what I am.
Am I in the wrong faction?
I shake my head.
No. I don't want to be just one thing, just like I told Tobias.
Selflessness is like bravery. It takes guts to die for another.
For now, I'll stick to Dauntless.
I had thought of running away from my hellhole that I once called home, but Marcus could find me easily in the Factionless sector, and if I even escaped the fence, to whatever's out there, there's a one in a hundred chance I would've survived.
The thought of my former faction sends a tremor through my hands.
The war.
Does Abnegation, or any other faction besides the Dauntless really, even expect the Erudite to strike?
I will find a way to help stop it-if it even follows through.
But not today. Today I have to focus on what awaits me.
One thing at a time.
I eat like a robot, rotating from chicken to peas to bread and back again. It doesn't really matter what faction I really belong in.
In a way, all of the five factions are the same.
I mean, is jumping in front of a person to take a bullet in their place bravery or selflessness? Dauntless or Abnegation? Is telling a friend who is wearing an outfit that is unflattering, honesty or kindness because you don't want them to look bad, Candor or Amity? And is going to do a science experiment with the risk of death bravery, smart, or is it selfless because you're giving up your personal time to increase the knowledge of others?
The factions don't really have many differences.
That's why I don't see why we can't just all be equal.
Divergent.
When I finish, I plant my face into my pillow. I find myself drifting asleep. I don't mean to, but after a while, I do, and I wake up to Christina lightly shaking my shoulder.
"Time to go," she says, sounding melancholy. I rub my eyes with the back of my palm to release the sleepiness from them. My feet feel heavy and I realize that I wore my shoes to sleep.
The other initiates are in the dormitory, tying shoelaces and buttoning jackets and flashing smiles around like they don't mean it.
Peter smirks, like he knows that he's bound to make the final ten.
I pull my hair into a messy bun, which is quite easier to handle now since that I have cut my hair to a shorter length. I zip up my black jacket, zipping it up to my throat.
The torture will be over soon-unlike Abnegation for years-but can we forget the simulations?
Will we ever sleep soundly again, with the memories of our fears haunting out minds? Or will we finally forget our fears today, like we're supposed to?
I don't know. But of what I know, I don't think I will ever be able to forget my fears.
These thoughts about today wander in my head, as if they were on an endless trek to tail my curiosity.
We walk up to the Pit and up the path that leads to the glass building, a darkness engulfing the room. I look up at the glass ceiling and see that every black sole of Dauntless members above trap the daylight from reaching the Pit floor.
The amount of people on the glass ceiling is incredulous. I think I hear the glass creak for a second, but it may as well just be my imagination.
I walk up the stairs with Christina, and the crowd chokes us.
The members are smiling and saying reassuring things to us.
"Don't worry initiates, you'll make it!"
"Good luck!"
"Be brave!"
"Four, you are so going to be first!"
"WOOO! GO FOUR! GO CHRISTINA! WOOOO!" I look at the person who let those words flow out of their mouth and see Zeke. I just roll my eyes with a shadow of a smile.
I'm still too nervous to smile.
What if Jason, Eric, and Max recognize Marcus? What if I slip up and show a piece of my Divergence? At least the landscapes give your mind a hint that it's just a simulation, and you are fully aware, unlike individual fears.
I am too short to look at the path because of many taller heads blocking the way, but I can still see over some, so I stare at the back of Will's head and follow in is footsteps.
I burn up in the heat of so many bodies around, and I realize that's it's just my nervousness.
Most eyes are on me, and I gulp. "Make way for the Dauntless prodigy!" Someone shouts, and the crowd does so, clearing out and a few pairs of eyes are still focused on me, most now on the wall.
I look at what everyone is clustered around: a series of screens on the wall to my left.
I hear a cheer and look at the screens. The screen furthest left shows a familiar black-clothed girl in the fear landscape room-Marlene.
I watch her move, her body motionless on the chair, yet her eyes are wide and alarmed, awake.
I can't tell what fear she's facing. Thank God no one out here will see my fears, just my reactions to them.
That means during my final fear…I have to calm down quickly, because I might start screaming out in pain that will probably make the spectators deaf.
Even just thinking about it makes my heart pound rapidly, so fast that I feel like I'm going to faint.
I should've eaten more Dauntless cake, I think as my heartbeat increases and my blood sugar lowers.
The middle screen shows Marlene's heart rate, which picks up for a second, and then decreases. When it reaches a normal pace, the screen flashes green and the surrounding Dauntless cheer. The screen to the right shows her time.
I rip my eyes away from the screen and jog to catch up with Christina and Will. Tobias stands just inside a door on the left side of the room that was never here the last time I was here, next to the fear landscape room.
I walk straight past him without even sharing the tiniest bit of a glance.
The room is large and contains another screen, nearly a carbon copy of the one outside. A line of people sit in chairs in front of it.
Eric on the left, Max in the middle, and who I presume is Jason, on the right. Also, a woman who I've never seen before sits on his right, probably the other Dauntless leader.
But why have I never seen her before?
Judging by the wires connected to their heads, and their blank eyes that stare out into space, they are observing the simulation.
Behind the leaders, there is another line of chairs, all occupied now. I am the last to enter, so I am stuck standing.
"Hey Four! There's our little prodigy!" Uriah calls out from across the room. I flush red slightly because of the compliment. He sits with the other Dauntless-born initiates; Zalia, Gabe, and Joey. Only the four of them are remaining, the rest have gone through their fear landscapes.
I wave at Zalia, Gabe, and Joey, who all look nervous yet confident, and wave back. Zalia throws me a reassuring smile.
Uriah pats his leg. "You can sit on my lap, if you want."
"Tempting," I call out, grinning. "It's fine, I like to stand."
I also don't want Tobias to see me sitting on someone's lap, especially a boy.
The lights flick on in the fear landscape room, revealing Marlene hugging her legs tight on the chair, her face streaked with tears. Max, Eric, and Jason shake off the simulation daze and walk out. A few seconds later I see them congratulating her for finishing.
"Transfers, the order in which you go through the final test was taken from your rankings as they now stand," says Tobias. "So Drew will go first, and Four will go last." I can hear the 'T' as he nearly slips up on my name.
That means that five people will go before I do.
I stand in the back of the room, a few feet away from Tobias. He and I exchange glances when Eric sticks Drew with the needle and sends him to face his worst nightmares.
Being last, I have to deal with anxiety issues. But there's also a perk to going last; By the time it's my turn, I will know how well the others did, and how well I will have to do to beat them.
The fear landscapes aren't interesting to watch from the outside, but the leaders seem to be having a blast.
I wonder how they were with Tobias's sixth fear…
The thought coaxes a slight smile from me.
I can see that Drew is moving, but not what he is reacting to.
After a few minutes, I close my eyes instead of watching and try to think of nothing to calm me down.
Speculating about which fears I will face, if I lost any, which I extremely doubt, and the amount, probably the same, is useless at this point. I just have to remember that I will have the power to manipulate the simulations, and that I have practiced it before.
Molly goes next. It takes her half as long as it takes Drew, but even Molly has trouble, spending too much time breathing heavily, trying to control her panic, than trying to calm down. At one point she even screams at the top of her lungs.
It amazes me how easy it is to tune out everything, and how I still have my touch.
The same technique I used during my lessons.
Christina is next. Then Will. Then Peter. I don't watch them. I only know how much time it takes them, that is all I paid the slightest bit of attention to: twelve minutes, ten minutes, and fifteen minutes. And then the moment I have been dreading the whole day.
"Four."
I open my eyes and walk to the Front of the observation room, where Eric stands with a syringe full of orange liquid. I barely feel the needle as it plunges into my neck, barely see Eric's pierced face as he presses the plunger down.
I use my brain to turn the dizzying effect of the serum into liquid adrenaline rushing through my veins, making me strong.
"Ready?" he asks.
I am ready.
-o0o-
My eyes force themselves open and I squint my eyes as the wind beats down on my body, flailing around pieces of blond hair all over my face. I look at the ledge, and back down at the bottom.
Big mistake.
My breath starts to increase, but then I snap out of it.
A brave man would cross.
A coward would jump.
I know exactly what to do.
I carefully tip-toe my way across the skinny edge, slowly sliding myself in the direction of the balcony.
I start to breathe heavily, then it backs down, which repeats for a while.
When I grab onto the balcony bar and hoist myself up, my breath is controlled and the room morphs into a dark room.
The room squeezes me in. I stand straight as a stick and feel my warm breaths rebounding back onto my face, and my breath starts to rush.
My temple is hit with mental knives of pain, and I feel like I'm about to faint because of how fast I begin to breathe.
I have two options: Either calming down, or facing the fear head-on by making the room even smaller.
I could only do that when Tobias was with me.
But he's not.
Instead, I decide to take deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling.
I breathe through my nose and the pain that was striking my forehead disappears, and my tensed muscles are relaxed.
I find myself in a grey rom.
I look at the table with the same old gun, same old smell of blood, but when my sight travels right, my heart drops.
It's not a woman anymore.
It's not Evelyn anymore.
It's a man.
The man has dark brown shaggy hair, a balanced nose, and dark blue eyes that are enchanting-but staring blankly out into space in front of him.
When I think about it, he resembles someone familiar.
Tears begin to swell in my eyes. I grab the gun, and hold it up to his head hesitantly.
In my own stormy grey-blue eyes, I see Marcus and I again.
I force my eyes shut, turn away, and pull the trigger.
The recoil moves my arm a bit and the loud boom coming from the bullet, which impacts him in the head. He drops to the ground in a bloody mass, and all I'm thinking is, that I did this.
I did this.
I shake it off.
It's just a simulation.
It's not real.
Then the room turns into my old bedroom. I gulp.
This is it.
A figure emerges from the shadows of hell I called my home.
Marcus stands there with a wicked smile, one I've so often seen on him, Eric, and Peter.
He slowly walks up to me, each step he takes roars into my heart and I feel like I'm going to just drop to the ground.
He grabs the collar of my shirt and slams me into the wall.
Just like what he used to do to Evelyn.
Tears well up in my eyes.
He forces his tongue down my throat and the sobs come out harder.
I can taste the salty tears running down my face, some flowing past my mouth.
He starts to rip off my shirt and unbuckle my pants, and I sob even harder.
I pull down my shirt.
Not again.
Please, just never again.
I sob even harder. "P-Ple-Please…N-No…" I choke out.
Under my breath. I say, "Daddy," because if I said it out loud, the leaders could hear it.
I can even see Eric trying not to laugh, being his normal sadistic self.
Marcus grows wide-eyed and pulls back from forcibly kissing me after I say that word. I remember when we were all one happy family, I always called him that.
There is a slight pause, just my heartbeat racing by the second and him holding my arms above my head, pinning me to the wall with his body.
"Remember…This is for your own good," he whispers as he pulls out the belt and multiplies.
They all surround me, start touching me, whipping at me, and I scream, louder and louder by the second. The excruciating pain of endless belts being whipped at my back.
It's not real.
But it just feels so real.
I lay on the floor as the thousands of lashes coming at me by the second start to whip harder, stronger, faster.
It's not real.
It's not real.
I can't face the fear-which just feels so real, like it was less than a year ago-because my Divergence might trigger and the simulation will end, so I decide with calming down.
Which was nearly impossible every time I heard those six words.
I tune out everything, I plug my ears, shut my mouth, and pretend that I'm safe.
That I'm safe in Tobias's arms, and away from the belts.
The pain.
The endless torture, the drunk nights, the scars;
Everything.
I lay motionless on the floor as a bloody mess.
Just like that week before I transferred.
All the Marcus' disappear, and just when my heartbeat and breaths slow the tiniest bit, the real one comes back.
"This is for your own good," He repeats. I hear slight metal clinking against his Abnegation watch.
The metal however, sounds slightly heavier than the belt.
I gulp, slightly sobbing.
The last thing I hear is a click, and a bang, before everything turns red and black.
Mini cliffie! I'm still not good at them.
Goal: 10 reviews, 3 follows and/or favs.
QOTD: When does your school end?
AOTD: June 6! I'm gonna be so sad because all my friends that are boys are moving to a different school! :(
The War Will Begin...6...3...14...