Why is he still here? Why didn't it work like I planned? I rest my head against the wall and try to ignore my trembling body and churning stomach. This is bad. This is worse than before. I didn't mean to…to…
What didn't I mean to do? My head throbs and I lose my concentration. This is his fault. If he'd just gone away when I told him to, I wouldn't feel like this. I wouldn't feel so torn apart. I wouldn't feel broken and sick and weak and it's his fault. It's all his fault! Everything is. The way everyone looked at me after she left, the loneliness, the isolation, the knowledge that I was sub-par and not trusted, the abandonment. If it wasn't for him I might…I might feel like I belonged somewhere. I might feel a sense of belonging instead of…
Instead of…
I tighten my grip on my legs and curl closer. I couldn't even clear my mind properly, why am I such a failure, I hate myself and my inability to do anything right, and I hate him, too, since he just won't leave me alone. I don't need him. I don't want him. I can't stand him. I want him gone, but here he is, staring at me and I wish he would leave. Why won't he leave? Why won't he abandon me just like everyone else?
"Get out, nui-"
I lost my focus when he cuts off halfway through his word. Oh, I think as he jerks forward and gags, he's going to vomit. My mind whirs as I crawl over to him. He keeps calling me pest and nuisance. I don't like either label, I decide, taking his hand. I would rather use my name, but, I really can't anymore since that would be really, really confusing. No way I'm letting him call me pest, though. Because, because I'm not. I'm not a pest. I might not know what exactly I am apart from Giegue, but I know that much.
I squeeze his shaking hand and consider my options. It's hard to focus. I hear his voice in my head saying nuisance and pest. It's very distracting. I just need…
I need to think of a name. A name I can cling to when I start doubting myself; one that reminds me of who I am and why I can't give up, no matter what happens. I lean forward and hair falls in front of my face. I am Giegue. A part of him, at least. A part that he calls a nuisance. Nuisance, Nuisan, Nu, Nui, Nuis, Nis, Ni. I like it. Niiiiiii. Niiiiiiiiiiii. I'm still Giegue, though. No matter what he does or what he wants, I'll always be a part of him. We should have matching names, I decide, leaning against him.
He's shaking pretty bad, but he's not gagging anymore. How should I match them? There are so many opportunities and ways to match, but I can only pick one! Rhyming. That's what I'll do. I rest my head against his, smiling. He's Giegue and I'm Niiue. 'dorable.
I feel, for the first time since Giegue pushed me away, that I actually stand a chance of helping him. Maybe this is a good situation. I can hug him now. I couldn't do that before. Well, not really, at least. I wrap my arms around him and relax.
I have to get rid of him. I can't let that…that pest stay. I hate him. I hate him more than I've ever hated anything before. He's just, he's only, he's my weaknesses. My hesitation, my pathetic emotions, everything that brought me pain in the past. He has to go. He has to. I don't want him here. I don't want him leaning up against me, I don't want him talking to me, I don't want to ever hear his voice again.
Right now, though?
Right now, there's nothing I can do about the pest. Right now, the world swirls and my vision clouds over. Right now, I can't stop shaking. Right now, I faint.