AN: Well hello there! I proudly introduce to you my first Death Note fanfic. The idea just came to my mind randomly after having finished the manga. This will be bashing Light a little, by the way. Light fangirls, chill out, I also make fun of characters I like. Also, this is a parody, so don't take it seriously! Have fun.
This was more suitable for a comic or an animated cartoon, but since I kinda suck at drawing, it became a fanfiction.
["Santa Kira's Live Special" is shown on the screen in a gothic font. Intro begins]
You better watch out/ You better not kill/ You better not steal/ I'm telling you why/ Santa Kira's coming to town!
A room with Christmas-like decorations is shown. Light, dressed as Santa, sits on a throne made of skulls. Skulls of criminals, mind you! What, you dare deny the moral integrity of the God of the New World? I hoped so. Next to him is Ryuk dressed like an elf (don't ask me how he pulled that off). Light holds his head in his right hand and is complaining to the Shinigami.
"Ah, Ryuk, I'm so annoyed! I still can't find a decent plan to finally get rid of that bastard L! And that's really bad, considering I'm a genius and everything -"
All of a sudden, a high pitched voice from behind the cameras decides it would be the time to interrupt Light.
"We're already live, Yaga -"
Being the genius that he is, it doesn't take him long to realise what the woman is about to do and cuts her off:
"How many times have I told you NOT TO SAY MY REAL NAME ON TV?"
"B...but, this is also being shown live...," she replies, slightly confused.
Light then shakes his head, takes a sheet of paper, scribbles something on it and hands it over to the woman.
"I don't need incompetent assistants. Here's the dismissal slip with your name on it," he says coldly.
She leaves the studio crying. After she closes the door behind her, Ryuk talks to Light:
"That was a piece of the Death Note, wasn't it?"
"Yep," he replies with a creepy grin on his face.
A second later, he remembers the show already began streaming, so he changes the creepy grin into a seductive one for the sake of the audience.
"Please forgive me for this terrible interruption, my dear viewers, and allow me to greet you with the traditional Merry Kiramas! As you must know, I am your beloved Santa Kira and this here is my favourite elf, Ryuk. But well, since you probably don't have a Death Note, you'll only see a bunch of clothes floating around. However, in case you do see him, I have bad news for you - in this world there's only place for one gorgeous genius God Kira! So don't try to take my place or I'll hunt you down and kill you! *mwahahaha*"
He slips into insanity mode for a few moments, enough for Ryuk to think he's bipolar, and then easily returns to normal mode.
"Oh, sorry about that too, hehe...Since today is the greatest and most awesome day of the year, aka Kiramas, I, Santa Kira, will serve justice to all the citizens of the world! Who believe in me, of course, the others won't get anything. So, my dear brainwashed followers...uh, I mean "fans", how silly of me...send me your Death Lists and I'll be glad to kill everyone on it! All you have to do is call either of the numbers 555-687337 (555-MURDER) or 555-578257 (555-LSUCKS)!"
The two numbers also appear at the bottom of the screen and Light goes on:
"Oh, looks like we have a first call! Who are you and where are you calling from?"
"HIIIIII KIRA-SAMA!"
Light facepalms, knowing where this is going.
"My name is Misa Amane and I call from Japan! MISA LOVES YOU KIRA-SAMAAAA!"
"Well, I'm glad, but..."
Misa seems not to have noticed Light speaking and keeps talking:
"And I have a huuuuuge Death List but I know you'll be able to kill them all because you're the mighty Kira-sama, God of the New World!"
Hearing that, he realises something and decides to exploit the situation:
"Please add more adjectives and attributes to that list, Misa-chan."
However, all he gets from her is a weak "huh?". He sighs and decides to speak normally:
"Praise me more."
"Ah, I love prasing you! Kyaaaaaa! So, hmm...you're our beloved ruler, most brilliant man ever, the best thing since sliced bread, a sexy beast, the #1 student at Todou Uni..."
Light catches on to what she's saying and gestures frantically:
"No, no, stop, Misa-chan!"
"...the most fanatical chips lover, the guy with the coolest spelling of his name with the kanji for..."
"MISA, STOP!"
She hears that last line and happily obeys, while he brushes sweat off his forehead. Damn, that was close.
"Enough...enough with the praising, Misa-chan. Good job. So, please tell me your Death List and I'll make sure to kill them next week."
"Huh? What, next week? No way! I want them to die now! Kira-sama can do that!"
Great, she has more questions...
"Uh, that's because I have plenty requests as the God that I am and because, because...Just call it "godly secrets", okay?"
"Oh, I know, it's because you don't have the Shini -"
A sudden beep is heard, then Light's voice again:
"Oops, looks like the connection has ended...What a misfortune. Must've been some heavy storms out there in Japan."
He then whispers to the costumed reaper to block Misa's phone number. After that, he turns back to the cameras.
"So, who will my next lucky caller be? Ah, we do have an incoming call! Who are you and where are you calling from?"
"Oh, it's really Kira-sama! I can see you on the TV! I'm your humble and devoted servant forever and ever!"
"So, who do you want killed, Mikami...I mean, random stranger whose name I totally don't know?"
"Yay, I finally get to the good parts!" He clears his throat and goes on: "I want Abe Akira, Abe Aoi, Abukara Asumi ..."
# An hour later #
[Light is snoring in his throne; Ryuk is chewing on an apple absentmindedly, a few hundreds of stubs in a corner; Mikami keeps enumerating names]
"...Yunokawa Yutaka and Yunokawa Yutaro. That's everything."
Light wakes up somehow, blinks a few times and becomes aware that Mikami has finished reading his Death List.
"So, that's everything, huh? I hope you don't mind asking, but is that the whole phonebook you recited to me?"
"Why, yes it is! God Kira is so smart, he figured it out! EVERYONE has sinned and so they must be erased! *mwahahaha* Well, except for the mighty Kira-sama and his devout followers! Oh, but God might not remember every single name on my Death List, so I'll ease his burden by sending him the full list via fax!"
"You don't have to..."
"No, no, I will do anything to ease the burden on Kira-sama!"
Well then why don't you kill them yourself? You have a Death Note too, Einstein, thinks Light sarcastically.
[A fax in a corner of the room beeps; a sheet of paper begins to slide out of it]
#Yet Another Hour Later#
[The fax beeps again, signaling the end of the transmission. The roll of paper fills up the whole studio. The only things that can be seen beside it are Light and Ryuk's eyes]
"Ryuk, take this sheet away, will you?" he mumbles, hoping the Shinigami will hear him through all that paper.
"Sure, Light. This is so funny!" the reaper answers giggling.
The other one rolls his eyes and asks the camera crew to show some ads until Ryuk finishes.
[ADVERTISEMENT 1]
[A nice, clean apartment is shown. There is a huge banner on a wall that says:
"Kira's Secret Hideout
(NOT Light Yagami's bedroom)
(Especially if you're L)"
A masked guy that is supposed to be Kira is sitting at a desk, writing names in the Death Note. Two women and a man come barging in the room with worried expressions on their faces - the three are strikingly similar to Misa, Takada and Mikami. They begin talking to Kira in a panicked voice, waving their arms around.]
"Kira-sama, the criminality rate in our area has tripled!"
"We're doomed!"
"We're afraid to go out on the streets!"
"What should we do?" they beg in unison, their hands together like for a prayer.
Light - I mean Kira *cough* - brings his face up from what he's writing and now displays the I'm-gonna-bring-justice look.
"That is terrible. Fortunately, I have just the solution to your problems," he says. The others' faces brighten as he takes out a black notebook and shows it to the camera. "The Death Note 3 in 1!"
"The Death Note 3 in 1?" the others ask, again synchronised.
"That's right. This little notebook, courtesy of Kira Is Awesome Inc. and Creepy Shinigami Underworld Inc., can do 3 things at once: kill criminals, help you practise writing AND look cool because it's black!"
Everyone gasps in wonder. The cameras now wholly focus on the protagonist.
"And now you can have one too! Yes, you, the ordinary Kira-fearing citizen can contribute to the world's welfare! Call in the next 40 seconds and the God Kira wil grant you the privilege of owning a Death Note 3 in 1 too for the mere price of $4444!"
Ryuk partially appears on the right side of screen and raises a hand to protest:
"But the Death Notes aren't for sale..."
Kira's eyes widen; he springs up from his seat and pushes Ryuk away from the screen while smiling at the audience.
"Eh, just ignore that guy over there," he says. Regaining his composure, he goes on: "So, order a Death Note and bring justice to the world!"
The three gather around Kira and they all smile happily, except for the two women who seem to throw murderous glares at each other. A requiem plays as background music.
[END ADVERTISEMENT 1]
[ADVERTISEMENT 2]
Bag of potato chips: $2
Cool suit to walk around the town in style: $100
1 ton of apples to keep your Shinigami busy while you're doing Godly stuff: $1500
Seeing the look on your worst enemy's face as he dies in front of you: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy. For everything else there's KiraCard.
[END ADVERTISEMENT 2]
[The studio is now paper-free and Light looks self-content.]
"I'm back, dear viewers! Let's take one final call from a lucky follower of mine! Merry Kiramas! Who are you and where are you calling from?"
"Hello, Light-kun."
"Oh, hello, Ryuuzaki... AH DAMMIT!" he yells, waving his hands around like crazy. "SCREW YOU, L!" he adds, shaking his right fist angrily at the screen. Ryuk can barely hold back his laughter.
"I had no idea you wished to engage in that type of activity with me, although the yaoi fangirls would definitely be delighted. However, I must inform you that my only sexual interest is sweets. So enjoy what's left of your reign until we come to arrest you."
"Ryuk, kill L! DO IT!" he shouts at the reaper pretending to be an elf.
The Shinigami is just cackling however and replies, "Nope, too much fun!" and grabs another apple from a seemingly neverending supply.
Realising he is doomed, Light crawls towards the cameras and begins to shout desperately at the viewers:
"Come on...My dear fans...Kill him! Yes, you have to...to kill him! L's death, L's death, my kingdom for L's death!" he begs in a Shakesperian way.
"I disabled your transmissions," says L blankly.
"NOOOOOOO! That's not true! That's impossible!" cries Light in despair, collapsing on the floor and hitting the floor with his hands repeatedly like a whiny kid.
"Nice impression of Luke Skywalker, Light-kun, but it doesn't work on me. Seriously, why are you impressing random characters all of a sudden? Sayonara," he says, ending the call.
##
"Uh, wow, I didn't think we'd be able to catch Kira so easily," says Watari in a surprised voice.
"Well, I am the third best detectives in the world, am I not?" replies L. "If we were in a manga though, I'd probably die at his hands and a short albino boy would defeat Kira in a warehouse."
Seeing Watari's WTF face, he puts a thumb to his lower lip and adds:
"However, the chances for that happening are only around 42%. Oh, and Watari?"
"Yes?"
"After he's arrested, let the studio as it is, minus the Shinigami and the Kira stuff."
"What exactly are you planning to do, L?" he asks, wondering what the answer would be.
"Oh, nothing...Nothing much," he replies as he stuffs his mouth with cake, a small grin beginning to form on his face.
He's definitely trying to become Santa L, thinks Watari.
I'm definitely trying to become Santa L, thinks the detective.
Yet another AN: What did you think of it? I'm especially interested in what were your favourite parts (that, if it wasn't a total failure, lol). Sure thing, I prefer detailed reviews, but I'm pretty sure most of you are as lazy as I am.
The price of $4444 is inspired by the fact that 4 is an unlucky number in Japanese culture, a leitmotif that's also present in the DN universe. The phone numbers all begin with 555 because that's the American cliché, even though Kira would probably have his show hosted in Japan. But, well, that's the least of the contradictions - e.g. the MasterCard ad parody ("Advertisement 2") which refers to L's death only to have L call later, Mikami appearing at the same time with L yadda yadda yadda.
And last but not least, I'm actually thinking of making a "Santa L" sequel, but it depends on the feedback I get from you. So if you want that, tell me via a review/PM/whatever.