A/N : Hey guys, first of all just a little warning that this chapter will be a downer (well sort of). I had to do it for a reason you guys will know in future chapter. Secondly, I like to explain that letter in previous chapter. I realized that the part about Shepard talking about she losing her memories, feel kinda off so I will make it right in this chapter. Hopefully I could make it right. So without further ado…
Chapter 6 : With My Whole Heart
It was just another typical day for Shepard. Another job training new rookies as she and the rest of Normandy crews waits for the Normandy repairs ahead of a big order from the Alliance and the Council. Shepard still has no idea what the order is but she have a feeling she won't like it. But worst of all it has been a month since she last saw Liara. She still kept in touch with Liara but what she wanted the most is to be right there with Liara.
Shepard took a deep breath as she sit at one of park bench. This park, located near the Alliance base has became Shepard usual spot to relax ever since the Normandy undergoing repairs. As she was about to close her eyes and hoping for a little nap, Maddison came almost out of nowhere and sat next to Shepard.
"You know I'm getting real tired seeing you. Every time I turn around, I almost bump into you."
"And I'm getting tired stalking you around." said Maddison as both of them burst out laughing.
"What brought you here?" asked Shepard as both of them stop laughing.
"Well, I did some research over your memories loss and I think I already find a proper answer."
"Didn't we already go through this over coffee?"
"That is true but back then I go with my gut with no scientific prove or anything to back that up. But now I do."
"And what is it?"
"Over 180 years ago there was a case like this. It was a married couple and the husband was hit by a car in front of his wife. Sad story really, but he was fine except he suffered memory loss. They were married for 5 years and he loss all those memories he had with his wife. To make things worst all he remembered about his wife was that he hates her. Worst of all, his wife found out she was pregnant. For 4 months he still didn't remember anything except he believe he did married his wife but he thought it was over business rather than love. When she told him, well more like he figured out that she was pregnant, he accused his wife of cheating with his little brother…"
"You know it seems like a good story but I really love to hear the end of it. You know the happy ending or your point is."
"You are no fun at all… Fine. In the end he did remembered and to cut the story short he told her that the last thing on his mind when he got hit by the car was that he's happy that it wasn't her that took the hit. He also said his wife is on his mind from the moment he saw that car was about to hit him until he lost his consciousness."
"…Everything already came back to me and I have to admit the only thing that was on my mind was Liara. How much I hate to break my promise to her that I'm always coming back because I know I won't. When we said our goodbyes, I want to tell her to move on when I die. I want to forget how much I love her because it hurt me to see her like that. Those look on her face when we said goodbyes, when I left her with Garrus in front of the Normandy shuttle bay. I want to spare her feeling. I know that I was joking when I wrote her that letter about I lost my memories, but I know deep inside I thought it was for the best. I want her to hate me so it would be easier for me to sacrifice my life for the galaxy… To leaves her a peaceful galaxy." said Shepard as tears threatened to streams down her face.
"Is that why you didn't propose?"
"As much as I want her to hate me, I want to be with her. I want her to feels my love. I want to keep my promise to her because I meant every promise. But most of all I need her. Because when I look at her, every worry, every responsibility the entire galaxy put on me, just gone. I couldn't propose to her because I'm afraid I will break my promise to her."
"To always coming back?"
"Yes."
"Has Liara given you her answer?"
"Not yet."
"You love her don't you?"
"Yes."
"Then why didn't you propose to her? Or ask her to be with you again?"
"…" Shepard only silent.
"What aren't you telling me?"
The rumors Shepard kept hearing didn't calm her nerves. She hope it just rumors but she know better. She knows that it wasn't rumors, she know that's going to be her new order, new assignment for Normandy crews. It's like saving the galaxy isn't enough, now the Alliance and the Council wants them, no expect them to do this new assignment. There won't be any complain from her crews or herself because they know, duty comes first. It always has been.
As Shepard pacing around her room, there was a knock on her door. When she opened it, there was a blonde female Lieutenant holding a piece of letter.
"It's a new order from the Alliance and the Council to the Normandy crews." said the Lieutenant as she gave Shepard the letter before leaving.
Shepard immediately opens the letter and the contents of it just prove the rumors she's been hearing. Oh how much she hates to tell her crews about the new order. Then it cross her mind, how she going to tell Liara?
For the past 3 hours, Shepard was busy calling the Normandy crews and informed them the new order. The Alliance and the Council has stated the Normandy have to leave Earth in 24 hours. Now for the next few hours Shepard has to go through list of new officers to pick to replace Lieutenant James Vega who was called up for N7 training. That means Shepard need to find someone to replace him since Ashley and herself are the only senior officers on the ship.
With so many things to be done with so little time, Shepard didn't realize there's only 3 hours left before she has to go aboard the Normandy. She was about to pick up her datapad to send an email to Liara when she heard a knock on her door.
"Matt…" said Shepard once she opened the door.
"Hey Grace. Can I come in?" said Matt as he stood in front of the door.
"Yeah, sure." replied Shepard as she lead them to the living room.
"So I heard you got a new order." said Matt as he sits in front of Shepard.
"Yeah… How did you get past the security?"
"Well it wasn't easy but when I show them my doctor credential they just let me in. They must have thought you need a medical checkup or something."
"Some top notch security work there."
"Ha. You should complain to the Alliance. But then again it's not like you can't defend yourself if someone is to attack you."
"So what brought you here?"
"I need to know your answer."
"About your proposal?"
"Yes."
"Matt…"
"I know I told you I would wait and I won't push you. But knowing your new order might see you away for years, I need to know."
"What we had… It was in the past. I won't deny I still have some feelings towards you but my heart is with someone else. I love her more than life itself and more than I ever love you. I'm sorry Matt, but my answer is no. I won't change my mind."
"I see… She's a lucky girl. I hope she know that." said Matt as he force a smile on his face.
After Matt leaved, Shepard took her datapad and preparing to compose an email to Liara when she decided to go to the Normandy and asked for EDI help instead. After grabbing her duffel bag, Shepard head towards where the Normandy dock. Few crews already on board and Shepard rush towards her cabin while telling EDI to meet her there.
"Shepard, what can I do for you?" asked EDI.
"I need you to record my message to Liara."
"Certainly. Whenever you ready." said EDI as she turn on her omni-tool.
"Hey Liara. I don't know how to say this… I just got a new order from the Alliance and the Council. The Normandy has been order to help out some colonies against some mercenaries who have been terrorizing them for quite some time now. The mission mostly consists in the Terminus System and I will work with Aria T'Loak over how to counter act the mercenaries. I can't believe there still some species out there that uses violence after everything they saw against the Reapers. Anyway this mean I may be away for at least a year. I hate to think that I will miss the baby arrival. We didn't even talk about naming the baby yet. I'm not sure what to name her. But one thing I know is she's my light. She's the light that will guide me home just like she guided me to remember us."
"I love you Liara T'Soni. I never want to lose you. Even if I do, it's because I want to spare you the feeling seeing me dead again. I can't see you hurt again. I can't look at that face that greets me when I first saw you on Illium. I could see the look of hurt, sadness and a hint of happiness when you saw me. I would do anything not to look at that face again. Yet I did so when I forget everything about you except this time it worst than when I died… So tell me what I should do to have you with me again but this time without the hurt in your face if anything happen to me... I will always love you Liara. If anything happen to me, tell our daughter that I love her from the very first day I found out I'm going to have a baby with you. Even without seeing her, I know that I love her with my whole heart."
"All done." said Shepard to EDI.
"I will send it to Liara."
"How long will it take? I know the communications are half working."
"I will make sure Liara get it." said EDI firmly before leave Shepard cabin.
"Hey Shepard. When are we going to see a new stripe in your uniform?" asked Ashley over dinner.
"Promotion is the least of my problem right now."
"Forget I said anything." said Ashley as she realized Shepard was bothered by the fact she won't be there for her daughter arrival.
*Shepard took a deep breath* "I'm sorry Ash. I barely have a moment to catch a breath. Ever since we got the new order I have been knee deep in work."
"I understand. Listen Shepard, I'm sorry you can't be there for Liara. I know that you promised her to be there for her and with this new assignment, everything you work on to gain her heart back is going down in flames."
"I wasn't the only one having problems with this new assignment. Some of the crews finally got reunited with their families and now they have to go away for at least a year."
"Shepard, sometimes you need to stop worrying about the crews. I'm your XO and I can worry about the crews while you worry about you and Liara and the baby."
"You also just got reunited with your family, Ash."
"Shepard, you been there for me when my little sister loss her husband. Now it's time for me to return the favor. You always been there for me despite all the crap I gave you over Cerberus. You are going to have a baby, Shepard. When you got back she will be at least a year old! You will miss a year of her life."
"You think I don't know that?" yell Shepard.
"Then stop worrying about us and think about that!"
The argument between Shepard and Ashley fill the dining hall with few of the crew watch their CO and XO arguing without any of them dare to stop them.
"Enough you two." yell Dr. Chakwas as she exits her med bay after hearing the argument between Shepard and Ashley.
"It's not helping anyone when their two commanding officer at each other throats." add Dr. Chakwas.
"I will be in my cabin if anyone needs me." said Shepard as she left the dining hall.
"What's wrong with her?" asked Ashley.
"She's having a mental break down…" said Maddison as she got out from the med bay.
Maddison has been assigned as the Normandy psychologist by the Alliance after her close work with Shepard. But mostly the Alliance kept her around to make sure Shepard have her head in the game.
"I agree. It's unlike Shepard to yell at anyone like that." said Dr. Chakwas.
"She had Liara before to keep her grounded. Now that she's not here…" add Ashley refusing to complete her own sentence.
"I should have seen this. This is the reason why I didn't want her to remember what happened in the last few years. It doesn't matter how strong she is, she will come crumbling down at one point and now with Liara not here, I have to make sure she holding on. At the very least."
"Let me know if you need anything." said Dr. Chakwas as she watch Maddison make her way towards the elevators.
"Same here." add Ashley.
When Maddison arrived in front of Shepard cabin, her door was lock but it wasn't hard for Maddison to figure out what pass code Shepard used. As soon as she steps into Shepard cabin, it almost dark except the light from the fish tank. When Maddison turn on the lights, she saw Shepard sitting with her head down at one of the couch.
"My parents always told me to never depend on anyone else. Always be strong. Find that strength from my heart, never in someone else." said Shepard with her head still down while Maddison making her way next to Shepard.
"My father always told me that. I guess it's because if anything happen to them, we need to find the strength to move on."
"I always find strength deep inside of me but ever since I met Liara, my strength involve around her. I punch one of the Quarian Admirals despite knowing full well it could hurt my plan to have Quarians help with the war against the Reapers, just because I was mad at him endangering Liara."
"What did he do?"
"He made an order to fire at the Geth dreadnaught we were in despite the dreadnaught isn't firing on them anymore. We were on our way out; I was with Tali, Liara and Legion we found inside. When they fired we lose gravity and Liara almost float outside the dreadnaught but Legion managed to grab her hand. If he didn't, Liara could die and that's why I punch him. I can try to understand why he made those order but endangering my team and mostly Liara? I can't tolerate it. He could at least wait until we got out."
"Love makes you do crazy thing."
"Like that one time you do buggy jumping even though you afraid of height?"
"Ha. I was scared like hell. I thought I'm going to puke but thankfully I wasn't. But hey look what that did to me, now I wasn't that afraid of height anymore."
"That is true." Shepard let out a small laugh much to her best friend relief.
"You know Grace, even though Liara is not here physically, she is right here with you. In your heart."
"I know… But when I think of her, I think of the fact I won't be there when our daughter is born. I promise her that I will be there for her and now once again duty comes first before her."
"You could always quit… But I know you won't because since the day you were born, the Alliance life is all you know. You don't know how to survive outside the Alliance life. With the exception when you were with the Cerberus though but then again your job description is the same so…"
"That and because what I'm going to do if Liara decides to move on? This job is the only thing that can keep me sane."
"Yet this job is about to destroy you."
"Well this job killed me once, what will stop it from killing me twice?"
"I will."
Shepard briefly looked at her best friend before hang her head low again.
"You know what the problem is? You two are too afraid to give it a go again. You two keep dancing around the subject and hoping an answer will fall out of the sky. You two clearly still love each other but both of you are afraid to get hurt again. Grace, be in love, get hurt. It's not life without it. If you want to date someone who won't get hurt or have any emotion at all, go date Avina." said Maddison as she got up and start making her way out of Shepard cabin.
"Thank you." said Shepard half whispering.
"Now if you need me, I will be by Port Observation room waiting for any of your crews come by to talk to me. I would appreciate if you can make it a mandatory for every crew to at least meet me once a week." said Maddison with a smile of relief as she managed to get through her best friend.
"Greetings, Dr. T'Soni. You have a video message waiting for you." greet Glyph as Liara step into her office.
"Who is it from?" asked Liara as she sits in front of a computer console. She knows her father would be mad if she found out Liara doing some Shadow Broker work but she felt restless without something to do.
"EDI send it."
"EDI?" asked Liara in surprise before immediately open the message.
After watching the video message, Liara had a sinking feeling while she rubs her ever growing stomach. Would she regret not giving Shepard an answer or was it for the best?
A/N : So how was it? First of all I want to explain my decision not to write a longer scene for Liara. I just want to give it a mystery touch. What exactly Liara decided? Secondly don't hate me for having Shepard going on a mission which will take her away for at least a year. You guys will know why I did it in future chapter. It also gives me the opportunity to take a look at the other side of Shepard. The other side of the brave, strong, Commander Shepard. What exactly gave her strength through the Reapers war? I see my Shepard gained her strength from Liara and now that Liara is not around and she is send to another mission, would she keep herself away from a complete mental break down? I also want to play around or experiment around with the reason why Shepard and Liara are yet to get together. It's so easy to write they get back together but it's another story when they are yet to do so. I want to make a little twist in this story. Asking question if it's really worth it for Shepard and Liara to give it a go for the third time? Maybe they better off as friends even though they are going to have a daughter together. Or maybe something in between. I actually have an idea what will happen but I'm not telling. Just making you guys wondering around ;). I hope you guys understand what I'm trying to do and love the idea. Anyway leave me a review and let me know what you guys think.