AN: Bella, living..

Chapter fourteen: Journal

Bella, January, 2011

"If I drive you to work, how will you get home?"

"Emmett," Jasper smiled, climbing out of my car. I took a minute to admire him as he stood there, the morning sun making him look like an angel. "Now, do you remember what I said?"

"Yes, I remember how to get to Esme's office and after sightseeing, I'll go straight home," I said, distracting myself from my admiration, and smiling at the fact that I considered Whitlock Ranch my home.

Jasper was about to say something else, but I cut him off, "And I'll call you if I can't remember my way around or find my way back to the practice and you'll take me."

"Good," he smiled triumphantly. "Later then, darlin'."

"Bye, Jasper." I watched as he walked into his practice before putting the car in gear and driving off.

Today was another appointment with Esme, and I wanted to talk. I wanted to share my growing feelings for Jasper. I wanted to talk about my nightmare and what it meant. I wanted to learn. And Esme was my window to that.

After our session, I was going to head around Henderson to get to know it.

Jasper was in agreement with it since I told him my idea this morning. He had been so attentive since I woke up. I felt so loved. He even made breakfast and he had to spend his time coaxing me through most of it, because I broke down when I met him in the kitchen.

But Jasper didn't mind. He just smiled and we ate together until he took a call.

When he mouthed, 'Peter' and then handed me the phone, before going to get me a glass of orange juice, I felt happy. I liked talking to Peter.

"Hello?"

"Hey there, Little Bit. You miss me?" Peter's voice made me smile.

"Yes, Peter, I miss you." My stomach grumbled at the sight of my pancakes and fresh fruits so I took a bite.

"I know you do. I can just feel it," he said. "Besides, I left you there with that bonehead so I'm sure you must miss me."

Jasper placed my glass of orange juice in front of me and dropped a vitamin in my outstretched hand. "Yes, Peter, I miss you very much. Though, I don't think Jasper is a bonehead." Without looking up, Jasper stuck his middle finger out and I told Peter, "He's giving you the finger."

Peter laughed. "Wait until I get back there, I'll deal with him, but how about you? You like your new spot over at Jasper's?"

"Oh my God, does everybody know?"

"Yep."

"Okay." I laughed. "I love it very much."

"That's good."

"How's Char?"

"She's great," he said in a cheery voice. "Things are crazy but I love having her around." Peter and Char moved in together after the holidays. "That girl is...damn, Little Bit, she's everything I ever wanted."

"Sounds great."

"My family loves her. Momma thinks she's a doll. My sisters are constantly calling her to go shopping when she isn't working, and Dad loves that she keeps me in line. What about you?"

I took a bite of my breakfast before answering. "I love that she doesn't take your shit." Since Christmas, I was learning every day how much of a prankster Peter could be. However, I was also learning that he was one of the nicest people I'd ever met.

"Whoo! No, she does not." He laughed. "Whew, damn, she just walked in my office. Pencil skirt, Little Bit, pencil skirt. This girl is trying to kill me."

I laughed. "Tell her I said hi."

"Tell her yourself. Hold on."

I took another bite while Jasper sat back watching me. It was so weird to feel this comfortable under his gaze. Char came on the line and it sounded like she slapped Peter or something before she said, "Get away from me, I want to talk to Bella. Hi, Bella!"

"Hi, Charlotte, how are you?"

"I'm great! You? Are you alright, honey? Do you like the room?"

Here we go again. "Yep, I love it."

"That's great! Rose and I helped Jasper pick out the color scheme so I was a little nervous about that. I'm so happy you like it."

"I really do."

"So, listen, I don't know how Peter is in here chatting his face off, and he has to be in a meeting in two minutes, but we all talk soon, and have fun, alright?"

"I will."

"Good. Later, honey."

"Later." We ended the call and then I got back to my breakfast since Jasper was finished with his.

Following Jasper's instructions, I made it to Esme's office in no time. But before getting out of the car, I sat there and psyched myself up. I had to remind myself that I wanted this. I needed this help. Esme could help me understand everything that was going on inside my head and maybe even what was happening in my heart.

I gripped the steering wheel tightly as images of James choking me flooded my mind until I couldn't breathe. I start to hyperventilate, and the world felt like it was closing in on me.

But when I thought about Jasper, waking me up, helping me relax, and then staying with me, it brought me back. I had someone in my corner. It was just a nightmare and even though it felt real, it wasn't.

Jasper was the one who was real. He was the one who was here, protecting me. He and his family had taken me in, and were helping me.

James was the terrible fantasy. He was nothing but a figment of my imagination at the moment and I would love to keep him that way.

I don't want to face him without first, building my bravado.

When I finally found the strength to, I climbed out of the car, grabbed my bag and jacket-not bothering to throw it on, and made my way into the building.

Mrs. Cope and I talked a little as I waited for the patient before to finish up their session. The patient was taking a while so I decided to read a magazine next, but my anxiety was building. I changed seats, and even sat there, staring at the door willing the person on the other end with her to stop talking and get out. I was digging my toes into my boots like a kid and biting my bottom lip while I waited impatiently.

I loved what I had on today. It was my black and blue boots and I paired that with my skinny jeans and a long sleeved shirt. The weather was unpredictable and Jasper was worried about me catching something. My health wasn't where he wanted it yet and he wasn't taking any chances.

He has drastically changed my life.

I once had a man in my life that wanted to do nothing but hurt me for his own sick pleasure and now, I have met someone who wanted to do nothing but protect and care for me.

Jasper was heaven sent.

Esme's office door opened and she and the woman walked out. Esme smiled at me and then spoke with the woman.

When the lady left, Esme turned her attention to me. "Hello, Bella, how are you?"

"I'm hanging in there," I said honestly.

"That's good," Esme beamed. "I'm sorry for keeping you waiting, but we can begin now."

I got up and followed her into her office.

Taking a seat on the sofa, I got comfortable while Esme took a seat in one of the chairs before me.

We didn't talk for a while. She was allowing me my space and letting me know that I could begin in my own time.

"I really like your office." Esme smiled. I know I was chickening out but I wanted a nudge. Maybe because of the wait, my nerves have gotten the best of me and now I was scared to talk.

"Nice boots," she complimented. Thank you, Esme! "Where did you get them?"

"They were a gift from Rose."

"Oh, for Christmas?"

"No. When I first moved in?" It came out like a question. "That's what I'd call it, right?"

"It sounds like that to me," she said, opening up with her writing pad, with her pen, perched and set to write.

"Nice shoes," I commented, looking down at her black Manolo Blanik heels.

"Thank you," she said, twisting her ankle as she admired them herself. "I love these. Carlisle got them for me; something about loving seeing me in them."

"He's really nice."

"He is," she said, ducking her head with a small smile. "He's the best thing that ever happened to me."

"That's good." I tore my eyes from hers as tears began to fill them.

"Bella?"

I couldn't answer. Loud sobs erupted from my mouth and I lost it. The moments of my life were racing through my mind. My past was on the forefront of my mind. I was swimming in a sea of despair and pain.

"Bella?" Esme tried. "Would you like to talk about it?"

Meeting her eyes, I tried to speak but it seemed impossible as I was fighting to breathe. Esme sprang up and came over to me.

"Bella, I'm going to invade your space," she said sternly, sitting down beside me on the sofa while I continued to cry and pulling me in her arms.

I held on to Esme for dear life. I was drowning and she was pulling me back. It was everything. It was all the pain. It was my mother quarreling with me to accept James' advances. It was Garrett determined that I shouldn't listen to my mother and that James looked like a bad guy. It was James abusing me in any way he saw fit.

It was everything.

When we parted Esme's blouse was soaked, and I was profusely apologizing.

"Don't worry about it," she said calmly, getting up and going back to her seat across from me. She handed me a box of tissues and I took a few, wiping my tears away. She waited until I could breathe and then she commented, "My only concern, Bella, is what brought on that reaction?"

When I couldn't answer, she went on, "Bella, it is okay to feel. To cry or get angry is a natural part of us that should not be subdued unless necessary."

"I want to feel what he feels," I told her, thinking about Jasper. "I mean, I do, feel it."

"Are we talking about Jasper?"

"Yes."

"And what do you feel?"

"Something I have only had a glimpse at once."

"What was that?" Esme asked.

"What love was supposed to look like, but it's different with Jasper."

"How so?"

"I know what I'm feeling for him," I told her. It was the truth. I was falling for Jasper. And I didn't want to stop myself.

"And what's that?" Esme inquired.

"Love, like, but I'm scared," I confessed.

"Why?" Esme questioned.

"Because what if, he becomes like…what if…in the future…he starts to act like James?"

"Why would you think that?"

"You think I'm crazy," I was quick to say. "I know he's your nephew and I'm sorry to offend you."

"No, you didn't, Bella," Esme said. "These sessions are about you and you alone. If you would like to include someone else, then fine. Then it will be about theme also. But this is all about Bella and regaining control over her life."

"You're not offended?" I was scared she would be.

"No," Esme smiled. "I am not offended. It is okay to fear that. I understand. Trust is a very hard concept, especially for you. I cannot preach to you that Jasper is different. You will have to experience it."

"I need you to start it," I demanded. "I need you to tell me that he's different and then I'll go from there."

"Jasper is one of the kindest men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing or being related to," Esme said without effort. "His love knows no bounds."

"Thank you."

"Why did you cry?"

"I remembered my past," I said. "What it felt like to be pulled in a million and one directions and how I lost myself in the process. I couldn't think. I was just…there."

"Then let's help regain yourself, shall we?" Esme said sincerely.

"Okay."

"Let's start with a fear," she said.

"The best way to get over it is to confront it," I said, attempting to laugh.

"Something like that," Esme chuckled.

"Alright."

"Why do you fear being with Jasper?"

"Because it's dangerous for him to be close to me," I said.

"Why?"

"James will kill me when he finds me and if he gets to Jasper first, he'll kill him to teach me a lesson."

"You really think he would do that?" Esme needed to understand the monster I was escaping.

"You don't defy James. You don't humiliate him. And right now, I've done the worst, I have done it all. I ran away. He's ashamed and angry. He has to make me pay."

"So why take the risk?"

"I had to."

"Why?" Esme insisted.

"Because I want to live; I didn't want to die there. Not like that."

Esme smiled. "Good. That's the answer, and I want you to remember that. You made a decision to get up and get your life back. So what we're going to do is help you fight for it. Yes, James is a horrible man, but he will not defeat you this time. Do you understand me?"

"Yes," I whispered, more tears flowing down my face.

"Good. Now as for Jasper, I don't see anything wrong with being friends, but it should be done only on your time and how you want," she said. "Bella, if you don't like something, let your voice be heard. You are here. You are alive and well. Speak up. Don't be afraid."

"Yes," I sobbed.

"Now, let's go back. Remember, we can only heal ourselves by fixing the past. Tell me something, something you never thought you could say."

"James is deceiving," I said off the top of my head.

"How so?"

Don't be afraid, Bella. "After James met me, he got obsessed. He would send me things and I sent them back, while my mom would argue with me. But I didn't care. I didn't want him. I had this friend, he…"

"What's his name?" Esme had no idea how much it hurt to say it.

"Garrett," I whispered and then cried.

"I'm sorry," Esme said. She had heard the name over Christmas.

Yeah, he was great," I said. "Garrett was the one I was talking about when I said what love was supposed to be like."

"Garrett cared for you?" Esme said it like a question, but I knew she understood.

"Yes. And I, for him, deeply."

"How did you meet?"

I smiled at the memory. "In dance class. He took it as a bet."

More tears poured, and Esme tried to lighten the mood. "Was he a good dancer?"

"Yes," I said, laughing at the memory of Garrett and me practicing together. "He was a footballer, and he got injured, but instead of moping around, he and his teammate got drunk one night and he dared Garrett to try out for my class and Garrett got in. I once asked him why he stayed because it was just a bet." My eyes pooled with more tears as I remembered his answer. "Because you walked in."

"So a friendship struck up between the both of you," she stated.

"Yes." I cried.

She sat back, looking at me for a while before she finally asked, "And when James found out?"

"The friend you spoke about at Christmas, Garrett, Bella, how did he die?"

My mind screamed at me not to tell her but my heart trumped it and I found my voice, "I think James killed him."

Esme didn't flinch. She was unmoved and a part of me was glad for that. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"How can you be so sure?" she asked. "Exactly what killed Garrett?"

"They said he died from an overdose," I told her. "Authorities ruled it a suicide and thought he was just another depressed kid, but he wasn't."

"Bella, did Garrett ever return to football?" I didn't like the sound of the question, but I had to answer to see where she was heading.

"Yes, but what does that have to do with his death?" I asked her as she handed me another tissue.

"Well, Bella, it is implied that sometimes these guys take things," she said. "Are you sure Garrett wasn't taking anything?"

"He wasn't. James killed him," I sobbed. I was getting a little angry at her implications. I would not allow anyone to blame him for my mistakes.

"How can you be sure?" she persisted as my anger rose.

"Because he did!" I shouted. "College was over! We had graduated! Garrett, he hated meds. He would fight me tooth and nail if I wanted him to take a pill for a headache. He always said, I could just wait it out and it will go away. Why would someone who hated medication die from an overdose?"

"That is a very good point and be reminded that I will not share this with anyone without your say-so." It was comforting to hear that and I nodded. "Now, how did you know it was James? Did he say so?"

"He implied it, but never said it out loud," I told her. "But, Vicky, she confessed it while James was hurting me."

"I'm glad you did that. Got mad, I mean. How do you feel?"

At first, I wanted to ask her what the fuck she was talking about, but then I felt it. I felt...good. I felt like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. "I feel...good."

"That's good. But now, we're going in again, okay?"

I sighed. "Okay."

"Victoria." I cringed at the name. "I want to know exactly who she is. Anything you can tell about her would be good."

I closed my eyes a little. My head felt heavy so I lay down. I opened my eyes to the ceiling and said, "Victoria's mom married James's dad. High society thing, I guess. I don't know, but the marriage didn't last. However, for some reason, Victoria and James stayed close."

"Even though they were no longer stepsiblings, they maintained a close friendship," Esme said.

"Yes, it looked like that, at first," I said.

"And then?"

"And then," I chuckled. "One day, James was home. Victoria came over. She had been doing that a lot lately. She'd watch me. It was unnerving and I tried to ignore her and go about my chores, but it didn't stop her. She would do things."

"Such as?"

"She would make a mess and blame me," I chuckled at the memory. "But on that day, things changed. James found me in the bedroom, in the closet, putting away his freshly ironed clothes. He dragged me out and threw me down on the bed. I knew what he wanted, so I laid still. I was now used to this. However, when..." I fought the bile in my throat to say it, and Esme must've picked up on it.

"It's okay, Bella, you don't have to say it, if you don't want to," Esme said, reassuring me that I don't have to use the exact words to describe my sexual abuse.

"Okay, so he...started and then Victoria walked in. I was mortified thinking that his...whatever she was, just walked in the room and wouldn't leave. I thought he would stop, but he didn't, and she wouldn't go. She just stayed there, and watched." I cried.

"What happened after that?"

"It escalated and the next time she joined in," I told Esme then broke down again.

"I'm very sorry, Bella." The sympathy in Esme's voice made me cry a little more. I didn't even know I had tears left. "Did it happen a lot?"

"No."

"So these two continued a more intimate relationship than their divorced parents realized, but it was something you had to unfortunately, participate in and for that I am very sorry," Esme said. "However, Bella, as hard as it is to imagine. You did the right thing."

"In allowing them to do...that?"

She nodded and then said, "Let me explain. At first, you weren't as brave as you became the night you left so you were basically on autopilot. When it happened, in your mind, you weren't there, yes?"

"Yes."

"What were you thinking of?"

"I would think about other things like menus and recipes I wanted to try or articles I read in magazines when I was alone or even just making patterns on the ceiling when I could see it."

"Exactly. So you blocked your mind. Bella, did you even consider leaving then?" Esme asked.

"No," I said quickly. "He warned me, and I believed him. If I left, they would find me."

"So why go now?" she asked with a smile.

"I had to. I was tired of them. James disgusted me. Victoria disgusted me. My life wasn't supposed to be that way. I was supposed to be happy and living out there in the world while doing everything I wanted to do. So when Phil saw me, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I let it out. I let it all out," I told her.

"And now, you're here," Esme said. "Bella, you decided that you wanted a change. You were tired of their silly and dangerous games so you fought. Within your mind, you fought them every step of the way. That is good. That is brave. You are a very brave person, and look where that's gotten you? Away from them."

"So I did the right thing?"

"You did the very best thing, and you did it for you," she smiled.

We sat there in silence for a bit while Esme allowed me the time to think. "I want you to do something for me."

"What?"

"You know sometimes these sessions will come with assignments and this is your first," Esme explained.

"Okay, what will I be doing?"

"You will be keeping a journal," Esme said. "Now, you have nightmares and I suspect they surround James." I nodded. "Okay, so I need you to choose whatever you would like and I need you to write everything you're feeling. Whether happy or sad or angry. Write. We have to get these feelings documented."

"I think I have panic attacks," I confessed. "Maybe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."

"Have you been looking into it?"

"I diagnosed myself long ago."

Esme chuckled. "Well, you happen to be right and all the more reason for the journal. We have to go over whatever you want to share with me, and see how best to do this."

"Thank you," I said, grateful for Esme in my life right now.

"You're welcome, Bella."

Our session ended with her giving me another appointment date and telling that everything will be okay. I even got a hug and I didn't flinch.

~~abt~~

Driving around was beneficial for me. I got to clear my head. The people around here were so friendly and I got to see quite a bit. I only got lost once, and by the time I panicked, the phone I had initially refused to take from Jasper this morning, started to ring.

Pulling over, I answered, "Hello?"

"Bella?" His smooth voice instantly relaxed me as he asked, "Hey, are you alright?"

His deep accent was killing me. "I'm fine."

"Is your session over?"

"Yeah, and I'm lost."

"Lost?!" The shout made me jump, but I wasn't scared. Instead, I was relieved that he cared. "Tell me where you are, and I'll come and get you."

"No, Jasper," I pleaded. "You're at work and I've got to learn. Just tell me how to get out of here. Give me instructions." There was a long pause and I even had to ask if he was still there. He answered, but mumbled that he still wanted to come and get me, before he gave up and helped guide me back onto Main Street. I put the cell phone on speaker and then stayed on the line with Jasper until I got back to the ranch because he refused to hang up until he knew I was safely home.

His care made me smile as I told him goodbye and hung up when I got through the front door.

Hours later, after work, he came barging in wanting to know everything.

"How did you get lost?" he asked. "Are you okay? Did anyone bother you? Let me know who did and I swear I'll…"

"I'm fine!" I smiled. "I guess I took a wrong turn and I was actually glad you called because I was about to call you for help."

"That's good," Jasper said as he threw himself down at the dinner table. He took off his boots and relaxed back in his seat. He looked so worried and I watched as he ran his hand over his face, closing his eyes for a minute.

When he opened them, and they met mine, I had to turn away in order to hide my blush. Esme had said I should write, and I think I would have to do just that later on. I had to write the feelings I had for Jasper and think of the best way to approach them.

With my decision made, I placed the dinner I had prepared before him. "I want to be more too." Jasper stopped eating, and stared me. "But you've got hang in there. I'm messed up and I want to be good for you. It won't be easy. I've had a hard life, and there will be times when I panic, because I fear for you. I know James and he'll kill us if he finds us."

"I won't let him hurt you," Jasper said, taking my hand.

"I won't let him hurt you, Jasper." I got up and kissed his forehead and walked away.

I didn't spend any time with Jasper tonight. I couldn't. I wanted to think. And he didn't bother me. He seemed to understand. Esme said I should write and as I lay in bed staring up at my ceiling, I found the perfect way.

My laptop.

I got up and grabbed it off of my desk. I sat back on my bed with it and opened up a page. I smiled as Garrett's and then Jasper's smile flashed across my mind.

January, 2011

My name is Bella Swan and for the first time in years, I'm living. I have found a family and I've gained new friends. But before I can talk about anyone else or Jasper, this is where it all began…