AN: Bella speaks with Esme and feels happy about her decision.

Chapter twenty-two: I Kissed Him

Bella, January, 2011...

"You know, Bella, you can sit down and talk to me instead of pace the room," Esme said. "Or considering what happened in our last session, your silence and pacing works too."

She was trying to make things easy for me. She was even trying to make me laugh.

From the moment I walked into Esme's office, I have been pacing the room.

"What happened, Bella?" she sighed with an easy smile.

"I kissed Jasper," I said happily. I couldn't believe it. But I was so happy.

"And?"

"I'm happy."

"And?" Esme smiled.

"And a little nervous about that," I replied.

"Why is that?"

I finally sat down on the sofa to tell Esme my fear. "Well, aside from the fact that I want to be with Jasper…oh, and I met your brother-in-law, Edward, he's really gorgeous, but a little bit of troublemaker. I don't know what he expects but I only have eyes for Jasper."

"Okay, that is good to know," Esme laughed. "I don't want unwanted attention causing a relapse. I love where you are today and I wish to move forward from there. But what's your problem?"

I sighed, "All the trouble I'll cause Jasper."

"Does he consider it 'trouble'?" Esme inquired.

"No," I chuckled. "Jasper wants me to trust him and believe that he'll protect me."

"Do you believe that?"

"Yes," I breathed. "More than anything. Yesterday, I told him that I was going; that I would leave, but after we talked, we had a really in depth talk about my past…"

"That's very good," Esme said. "Did you feel a little better?"

"Yeah. Although, Jasper wanted to tell me something about himself, but we got tired." When I told Esme that, a look passed over her face. She quickly covered it, but it was enough to make me ask, "Jasper is hiding something, isn't he?"

"What makes you think that?" Esme questioned. But that look was back in her eyes.

"Just a thought and the fact that he knows how to help me."

"Have you considered that it's his training as a doctor?" Esme said.

"Yes, and I don't think it is," I told her. "Jasper has knowledge of a horrible experience or he helped someone through it, but he understands the dark past I have more than anyone. Why is that?"

"I believe that it's something you should discuss with Jasper," Esme said, confirming my other suspicion.

"You helped him through it," I said with conviction.

"Yes, but now, we're talking about you," Esme said, signaling the end of that part of our discussion. And I could understand because I wanted to hear it from Jasper himself. "Why did you kiss Jasper?"

"I had a nightmare, but the second kiss had nothing to do with the nightmare. It solely had to do with Jasper," I told her.

"The second kiss?"

"Yeah, that one happened in the living room," I said. "We were interrupted by Edward and Tanya."

"But?"

"If they hadn't arrived, I don't know," I said and I really didn't. I wanted Jasper. Every part of me desired him, but was I ready to have sex with him?

"Do you think you would have gone farther?" Esme asked.

"Yeah, I think I would have."

"Are you ready for something more intimate with Jasper?"

"I'm not sure. I feel like I am. My body says I am…"

"But your heart?" Esme inquired.

"It says to get to know him more," I told her. "It says to wait. What do I do?"

"Follow the advice of the one that suits this situation the most," Esme said. "If you want him and you can handle the consequences of being intimate with Jasper, then by all means, go for it. But if you're not fully ready, and you want to wait, then do so. Remember, Bella, this is about you."

"Thanks, Esme," I smiled.

"Anytime."

Esme took a moment to look at my journal entries, and we talked about them for a bit. We set up my appointment for a week from now and I said goodbye to her and Mrs. Cope before heading back to the ranch.

When I got there, I parked my car outside not bothering to use Jasper's garage and went straight to the stables. I wasn't ready to face everyone yet, and a ride with Mystery out to, what I viewed as a lake, would be great right now.

Mystery neighed as I drew close to her. There were apples in her basket and I grabbed a couple and fed them to her while talking to her.

Sam came in and I asked him to help me get her saddled and he did. After mounting her, I thanked him and took her out for a trot around the grounds. The other riders said hi and I greeted them.

Somehow today, especially after talking to Esme, I was even happier. I gave Mystery the order and we were off.

The ride was exactly what I wanted; exhilaration and a relief. When we got to the lake, I got off her back, but as we walked over to the spot where Jasper had tied the reins of our horses last time, I saw Thunder, while Jasper was sitting by the big oak tree.

He looked shocked to see me, but smiled and called me over all the same. "I didn't expect to see you here," he said when I came to stand in front of him.

"Me neither," I said. "Through getting interrogated yet?"

"Hiding out."

I chuckled and sat down in front of him. "How was Esme?"

"Very helpful," I smiled.

I took his hand in mine, lacing our fingers together. "What did she help you see?"

"That I'm liked, that I'm desirable, and that I can be loved," I said, watching his eyes shine with fire and desire as he pulled me close.

"That you are," he leaned in and whispered before kissing my neck, making me giggle.

"Slow," I groaned as my need for him peaked while he peppered kisses across my collarbone.

"What?" he mumbled against my skin.

"We have to go slow," I said, arching my neck to give him better access. "I want to experience everything with you."

"Okay," he said softly; moving away. "We'll go slow."

Our lips met again, and I relaxed into Jasper's arms, letting his kisses take me away on a gentle wind.

I was finally living. I was living for me.