Author's Note:
Chapter after this is when shit gets crazy. Thanks so much to all the lovely reviews!
Oh. "You have then?" Why was he upset? This was stupid. Sherlock frowned, pulling away from John. "Why would you…need to…" He was feeling…threatened? Inadequate? He knew he could be jealous but even he recognized this as being ridiculous. He didn't want to fight again. "You know what, it is fine. I guess it just came as a surprise as all…" He rubbed the back of his neck, trying to offer himself some kind of comfort.
"I... well..." John closed his legs, crossing his legs at his ankles, and glanced up at his husband nervously. "Yeah. I mean, in Afghanistan and the entire month after the wedding." He closed his eyes for a long moment. "Haven't since we started the honeymoon," he added to try and fix the situation. They were already talking and he braced himself. "Sherlock, sometimes I do like to look at...women." Oh good Lord, why couldn't he keep his mouth shut? He probably just ruined their entire marriage.
Why did he care? It shouldn't matter, should it? He didn't want it to, but Sherlock was feeling weak in the knees at the thought. He wasn't mad…he was hurt? Disappointed? He wasn't entirely sure he could pinpoint any one emotion right now. "It is fine," he repeated because he couldn't think of anything else to say. It was the only thing he could come up with that wasn't emotional and irrational. He wasn't sure how long he was going to hold onto the control he had right now. He wanted to yell, protest. Or run away from this conversation. Anything to relieve the tight feeling in his chest.
It was definitely not fine. John let his head fall because one moment they had been close and about ready to shag and the next they were on the verge of a fight. A serious one, by the looks of it. "So-" Not sorry. That was generic and weak and...was he really sorry? He hadn't shagged anybody else in Afghanistan and Skyping only did so much for him. The entire month after the wedding he had been alone and, really, what other option did he have? "I wasn't going to do it anymore, really," he muttered weakly. "It was just... women," he muttered and slammed his eyes shut.
Sherlock glanced up to John. "No more then? Never again?" He asked, trying not to sound as hopeful he was feeling. He continued to fight for control. No point in getting mad at something that had already happened, something that was beyond his control. He took a deep breath, to help keep him calm. "Was it…because…I am…uh…not good enough?" He shifted on his feet nervously, the initial insecurity he was feeling coming back.
"What? No, Sherlock, no." John shook his head frantically. "You are good enough. You have always been good enough. In Afghanistan it was so I wouldn't sleep with anybody else and...you know, I am married to you but I do like women a bit still, okay? I love you and you are wonderful but..." He took a deep breath and managed a shaky smile. Everything would be fine. They were talking about it. "Women still interest me a bit so I...wanked to porn with women in it."
Sherlock tried to understand but apparently he was failing, because it seemed to him if he was good enough women shouldn't interest him? "Never again?" He whispered it this time. Hurt. He was definitely hurt. No confusing it this time. The constriction in his chest was tightening and he couldn't breathe. It was all on in his head of course, but he still gasped for air. "Going outside," he mumbled as he stumbled for the front door. Christ, he was even shaky on his feet.
Right. Not fine. John tugged his bottom lip between his teeth and slid from the counter, moving to quickly wrap his arms around Sherlock and pull him forward. "Never again," he whispered, a hand moving to rest on his husband's cheek. "Never. I won't do it ever again, okay? You are good enough. Better than good, Sherlock. You're my husband, you're perfect." He let his eyes dart between Sherlock's, his gaze intense and open. His husband needed to know he was telling the truth. "It was always you. It is only you."
Sherlock slumped into John. "Wh-why then?" He stumbled over his words as he continued to fight for breath. Did he really want to know? Would it be better or worse than all the things he was thinking already? He needed to know. To understand. Maybe by knowing, it would help him get over this. Was it normal to be bothered by something like this? Without anything to compare it to, he really just wasn't sure.
'Because I felt abandoned by you a month after our wedding' probably wasn't the best response to that question. John took a deep breath and swallowed hard. "Sherlock, I like you... love you, all right? But I don't think I am completely gay. I have been with women my entire life and I fell in love with you. Your personality, your everything. But liking women isn't just some switch I can turn off. I'm just...I like to look sometimes," he whispered brokenly. This sounded horrible. "I mean, I guess you have a right to be upset... bothered... but I didn't mean to hurt you. I did it to relieve stress while I was in Afghanistan...and the month after our wedding I just-" Stop. Don't go there. "It isn't you, Sherlock. I love you, you are perfect. It is me. It's really, honestly me."
This...was a lot to handle, to process. Right. Great. Sherlock shrugged out of John's grasp. "I think...I just need some time alone right now..." Too much. Of all the fights they'd had, this one was leaving him feeling the worst and he wasn't entirely sure why. He made it out the front door and halfway down to the shoreline before he collapsed to his knees in the sand.
Damn it. John dropped his head the moment Sherlock left, his eyes slammed shut. Wasn't communication supposed to be good? Married couples weren't supposed to keep secrets from each other and he was trying to make sure everything was out in the open. Except he had ruined things. His husband was...lost, scared. He could see it in Sherlock's eyes. And he had done that. It was the worst feeling. "Sherlock..." He lifted his head and glanced out the window to study his husband's form.
What was he doing out here? Sherlock wasn't entirely sure he knew himself. Stupid communication. Stupid marriage. Stupid...stupid everything! He growled his frustration, picked up a handful of sand and chucked it at nothing. Of course the wind was blowing in his direction, so all that really happened was he got the sand in his mouth and eyes. It probably would have been comical if he wasn't feeling so stressed. He didn't watch porn and he never had, and even after being with his husband he had never even thought about it. He had John, why would he need to? Why did John need to? Maybe if the cheating with Sarah hadn't made him so insanely jealous and even a little insecure, then this wouldn't be a problem for him. But it was a problem. Now, what was he going to do about it?
Did John go and apologize? Sherlock had said he needed time alone but the longer he sat here the worse the guilt got. So, no more porn. That wasn't a problem, really, considering how active his sex life had suddenly gotten. And he could stop looking at women, couldn't he? It was clear that it upset Sherlock. He needed to fix this. With a deep breath and all the confidence he could muster, John moved outside slowly. Talking. Fixing this. "Sherlock..." He moved and dropped to his knees in front of his husband. "I married you, didn't I? I picked you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you." No touching. He would let his husband decide when that was okay.
Sherlock was so lost in thought that it took a moment for John's presence and words to register. When they did he blinked a few times, as his gaze finally came into focus. Maybe it was normal for a married man to look at porn? "Is it...do most men, or people for that matter, look at porn, when married? I guess I just don't understand. Should...we watch one, tonight? Together?" Maybe he would be able to understand then?
John finally managed to smile. Sherlock wanted to analyze a porno, wanted to see why he was so interested. "Sherlock, I don't know if married people watch it, really. I did it Afghanistan because I was alone..." He scooted forward in the sand and reached out, grabbing his husband's hand. "My laptop is in the bedroom in my bag. If you want to watch one tonight we can."
Sherlock looked down at their hands, his brows knitted together in confusion and his lower lip puckered out in a pout. "But we talked on the phone, Skyped, sent texts...why did you..." He shrugged, trailing off before any real question was formed. The month after their marriage he understood, accepted but he was struggling with John watching porn in Afghanistan.
"There were weeks at a time where we didn't, Sherlock," John explained softly. And it was true. On nights where he had injured soldiers to care for he had been too busy to call his husband. He had been stressed and upset. "Late nights caring for injured fighters I just..." He shrugged and moved a bit closer, their chests almost touching. "I tossed off to relieve some stress so I could focus. In situations like that, when I have adrenaline running through my body I can't help it."
The frown remained but Sherlock nodded. He was quiet a long while, his head coming to rest on John's as he continued to stare down at their hands. He finally lifted his gaze to meet his husband's. "Tonight...when we shag, will you make love to me?" He wasn't one to ask for anything and even when he begged and pleaded for John's dominance it was always already in the midst of sex. This was different and he almost looked away after such a ridiculous request but he forced himself to keep the eye contact.
At Sherlock's statement John felt his stomach drop but in the most delicious way possible. His husband had just asked for something so personal between them. "Yes." He smiled and squeezed Sherlock's hand. "Yes. Of course. Do you want to pick a different spot?" He turned his head slightly, pressing his nose against his husband's cheek. "Do you want to face me? Be on your stomach?"
"Want to be able to see," Sherlock almost whispered the words, his gaze finally dropping. Yes they had been talking and even shared a few intimate moments but he was feeling...wierd about asking...about any of it. But...he needed it and maybe for entirely selfish reasons. He needed to know, be reassured that John loved him. To feel it. "Will you talk to me?" He lifted his eyes back to his husband's.
"I can talk to you." John lifted a hand to rest on Sherlock's cheek, smiling warmly. "I will keep eye contact with you the entire time, do whatever you want. I love you." He moved forward and gently met his husband's lips, exhaling softly against his mouth. "Where? I don't want to do this on the pull-out couch. Somewhere special."
If John hadn't asked, then Sherlock probably wouldn't have even thought about where. Now that he did though, something did come to mind and it made him feel even more foolish than he already did. "Out here. On a blanket, under the stars. We can have dinner and wine before?" He finally wrapped his arms around his husband, in a tight hug. "I love you." He rested his head against John's shoulder.
Under stars. John grinned and placed a kiss on Sherlock's temple. "I love you too." He let his eyes slip closed. "Dinner, wine and making love under the stars," he said softly against the side of his husband's head. "God, it will be wonderful. You are fantastic. I can't wait, going to be gentle and talk to you. My husband." He pulled Sherlock closer.
It did sound wonderful. "I am glad we came here. It hasn't all been perfect, never is with us." Sherlock gave a small smirk before continuing, "But I think it has been good for us, yeah?" It seemed they were still figuring things out as they went but everything turned out all right in the end.
"Very good. Best honeymoon I have ever been on," John joked softly with a grin. Now all he could think about was dinner, making love in a blanket. God, he wanted it now. "What time do you want dinner? I was thinking now. I could start cooking. Anything you are in the mood for." He slowly met his husband's lips, letting his tongue move slowly across Sherlock's bottom lip.
Sherlock couldn't help but smirk. "Eager are we my dear doctor? It is only midday." He returned the kiss. If they wanted to make love under stars they would have to wait. He pulled away from John's lips reluctantly. "Come on. We should find something to do, before we decide to nix the whole plan and shag here and now." The smirk returned as he stood, a hand offering to help John up as well.
"We could go snog," John offered as he took Sherlock's hand and stood up. "Tonight...I want to make it feel, I dunno..." He moved closer to his husband and shrugged. "Unrushed? Like we didn't plan it. I just want it to happen." He smiled and gave Sherlock another kiss. "Or I could go let you pick out your favorite lube."
"Just snog, us?" The smirk returned to his face. "I think you have us mistaken for a different couple." Sherlock smirked bigger and shrugged. He really didn't have any other ideas. He was getting hot in his robe though. That ever present smirk returned once more, as he began taking off the only item clothing he was wearing. "We could skinny dip." He arched an eyebrow, the smirk still twisted in place.
John had opened his mouth to reply and then Sherlock took his robe off. "Oh," he muttered breathlessly. Skinny dipping. "Yeah, think you will be able to handle the water?" He smirked and yanked his pajama pants and boxers down with a laugh. "Wouldn't want you to drown." He turned and ran across the sand, jumping in the air and belly flopping into the water. It was a bit show-offy but he didn't care. He resurfaced with a smile and spit water toward the shore.
What was it with John and jumping into the water? Sherlock shook his head with a slight grin on his face. "I think you like showing off more than I do." The water was cool but it felt nice on his overheated body. He eased himself in slowly, unsure how his husband could deal with the sudden change in temperature like that. He waded out to John. "So, maybe we could snog and skinny dip." Without waiting for a reply, he began kissing his husband immediately afterward.
Both. Both was very good. John moaned softly into the kiss, moving underwater to wrap his legs around his husband's hips. "So good," he whispered with a grin, his eyes still closed as he moved to rest his arms around Sherlock's neck. One hand slid down slowly to wrap around his dog tags and Sherlock's wedding ring as he pressed his mouth rougher against his partner's.
Sherlock wrapped his arms around John in a hug and to also help his husband stay in place. He matched the pace set by his partner, moaning into the kiss. They were both so insatiable sometimes, well practically the entire time since the honeymoon. Not that he was complaining. Would they be able to stop before they went too far and ruined the planned night? Because he was pretty sure he would be able to get hard now. Just the thought made him buck into John, another moan escaping his lips. There was a part of him that wanted to say screw the plans and shag his husband here and now.
They could never stop themselves. John gasped against Sherlock's mouth, pressing his hips forward against his husband's stomach. "Plans," he murmured weakly as he took a deep breath. "Tonight." It was as serious and strong as he could manage. God, he wanted to shag now but he knew if he waited that it would be better. It was what Sherlock would want more.
Sherlock nodded slightly, John was right. Oh God. That was an erection and with how close their bodies were, it pressed into his husband's inner thigh even without him having to buck into the man wrapped around him. He whimpered at the contact, fingers digging into John's back slightly. The plans. Maybe they could have it both ways? "What if, I shag you now and then we still keep our plans for the beach. Because God John, I want you right now." He whispered into his husband's ear and then began nibbling on it lightly.
Well, Sherlock was certainly excited. John dropped a hand below the water and gave his husband's penis a small squeeze. "Think we will both be up to that?" He whispered. Right now he knew he would agree. He wanted to do anything he could to please Sherlock and show him that he was loved. "Yes. Please, do it," he finally muttered. Between his own erection trapped between their stomachs and his husband's mouth working magic on his ear he couldn't say no. "Lube?"
Fucking lubricant, it was all the way back in the beach house. Sherlock wanted John now. Here. In the water. Well, that had decided it then hadn't it? "Don't have anything…" He admitted into the ear he had been nibbling on. "Guess it just means we will have to wait for the plans anyway." He wasn't sure if he was happy or disappointed by this. Because shit, he really wanted to shag his husband.
John took a deep breath and pulled his head back to look at his husband. "There is a condom in the pocket of my pajamas and it has lube. We could use that and spit if you are gentle." He looked at Sherlock for a long moment. This was all for him and John had been shagged before without lube. "Want to try that?" God, it was making him nervous and he was breathing hard but he forced himself to focus.
Sherlock couldn't help but laugh a little. "You do know we are surrounded by water, right? I'm not sure how much good spit will do." He kissed John on the nose and then disentangled himself from his partner "Just wait, I will be right back." For some reason he was really intent on shagging his husband out here at sea. It was hard to run swiftly through water but when he got to the beach he picked up speed. He fumbled through the pockets in his excited haste, but eventually he found the condom. It would offer less friction at least and maybe the water would help keep things slick. He tore open the packet, and slid it on as he made his way back out to John.
"Already an expert at slipping a rubber on," John stated with a playful shake of his head. God, he was excited. "Just...be careful. Please." He took two steps forward and lifted himself to wrap his legs around Sherlock's hips. "And don't get a bunch of water up my arse," he added with a smirk as he gently met his husband's lips. "Prepare me like you mean it."
Shagging in the water, they were actually going to do it. That was another one to cross off the list. Well, there wasn't an official list but there were certainly things Sherlock had wanted to try while on their honeymoon and this had been one of the many. He met John's lips, a hand slipping under the water. He slid one finger in gently, hoping it would help ease his husband into it. After few gentle thrusts he entered a second finger. Eventually his hand dropped to his side, holding on to John's hips to help hold his husband in place. He entered slowly with a moan.
John relaxed as much as he could, letting out a soft shout and slamming his eyes shut as soon as he felt his husband enter him. Fuck, that was bit more than he expected. His hands clawed at his husband's back as he tried to breath. Few more. Just a few more thrusts and it would be fine. Better. He whimpered and shifted against Sherlock, pulling away from his lips to bite his shoulder.
Sherlock was about to ask if everything was okay, but when John bite into his shoulder he lost that train of the thought. He growled excitedly, turning his head so he could mark his husband's neck. He managed to have the control to keep the pace slow, he had to. There wasn't any lubricant to make it easier on John. Right. Was his husband okay? He finally remembered to ask. "…'skay?" He mumbled in between nibbles.
Focus on Sherlock's mouth. John hummed against his husband's shoulder, letting his mouth open a bit so he wouldn't draw blood. At least Sherlock was going slow. He was thankful for that. If his husband kept marking his neck he would be fine. Not to mentioned. Each movement forced Sherlock's stomach against his cock in a wonderful way.
Was no reply good or bad? John wasn't asking him to stop, so that was a good sign…right? Sherlock continued the same slow pace, but he began biting and sucking a little more aggressively against his husband's skin. He ended up having to switch to the other side of John's neck, just so he could continue marking the man wrapped around him. "Love you," he said between growling bites.
Now John's neck was going to look horrendous but at least he was going to not focus on how painful everything was. "Umph." He bit down against Sherlock's shoulder again and whimpered. Slow. At least it was slow. "'S okay," he muttered.
This wasn't working like Sherlock thought it would. He had been excited to shag in the open water but now it didn't seem worth it. He didn't want to make the mistake of continuing the shag if John didn't like it. Grant it, last time he had been insanely rough but half the excitement for him was knowing his husband was enjoying it too. He sighed, stopping his thrusts and pulling out. He leaned his head against John's shoulder. "Sorry."
John growled slightly and shook his head. "Back." He reached under the water and lowered himself back on to Sherlock's cock. God, it wasn't horrible. He was going to enjoy it, damn it. "Shag me," he said softly, pulling his head back to look at Sherlock.
Sherlock moaned from the touch and picked up the pace once more as he reentered John. Who was he to argue then? His husband still wanted this apparently, although his partner hadn't shown any real signs of interest during the shagging except for the biting of the shoulder. Just the thought of John's teeth in his skin made him whimper and he began to mark his husband's neck once more with a slight growl.
John managed to take a deep breath and forced a moan out of his chest. He was enjoying it but he was in a bit of pain and didn't want Sherlock to know it. "Good, so good." He smiled and pressed his neck into his husband's mouth. "Neck is going to look nice," he said with another moan. "F-Fuck."
Sherlock couldn't help but smirk and he lifted his head to whisper in John's ear. "Want everyone to know you are mine. So, when we go and buy a bed and tell them ours broke. They will know." He turned his head, so he could smirk at his husband before moving in to kiss his partner's lips. He was able to keep his current pace for a little while longer before he moaned as he came. It wouldn't do to go limp in water, so he forced himself to stay in standing position the best he could while he supported John.
John smiled into his husband's neck, his hand running up and down Sherlock's back. Good. That was good. "I love you," he whispered softly. "Yours. I am yours." He shifted against his husband and laughed. "I feel like you really like my neck. God, Sherlock." He nipped at his husband's neck. "Think you will still be good for tonight?"
"Oh yeah. I'm a Sex God, remember?" Sherlock closed his eyes, tilting his head for John. After a moment, he reopened them and looked at his husband. "What about you? Will you be okay for tonight? I didn't hurt you too much...I hope...?" He reached down and took the condom off, definitely not enjoying still being on after getting off. He wasn't entirely sure he liked shagging with them on yet either, but he had worn it for John.
"I am still hard." John muttered as he watched Sherlock remove the condom curiously. "Going to wait it out. I should be set." He smiled warmly at his husband. He was in a bit of pain but he had expected it. The moment he told Sherlock about the condom he'd braced himself. Nothing that had happened was actually Sherlock's fault. "I am fine." He nodded and gently met his husband's lips.
"Sorry," Sherlock replied as he tilted the condom like John had and then threw it up to the shoreline to dispose of later. He returned the kiss, enjoying it for awhile until he finally broke it to speak. "What do you want for dinner?" He wasn't really hungry but the plans tonight were his own making so he should probably eat something anyway.