Chapter Four—Those Stupid Hormones
School began again in September and I started my online courses to complete my credits required for graduation. The heat of summer lingered on, and as I entered my eighth month, my desk chair became nearly impossible for me to find a comfortable position in for as long as I needed to be. It wasn't long at all before Carlisle insisted on buying me a simple laptop that would allow me to sit on the bed or the couch more comfortably.
More often than not, I chose the living room to wait for Edward to come home each night from Seattle. The commute for him was long, having to leave each morning before the sun rose and not returning until around dinner, if not after, but he never complained once. I could see the disappointment in his eyes though when the baby did begin to move. She was so calm all throughout his weekends, and always seemed to "settle in for the night" before he got home during the week, so he still had never felt her. And the fact that my pregnancy was about a month or so from being over, he knew his chances were dwindling rapidly.
One night after we'd all turned in for the evening, I laid in the dark, running my hand over my very swollen abdomen, unable to sleep. So I decided to have a chat with our little girl.
"You know, Mommy and Daddy love you so much," I started, still incapable of refraining a smile any time Edward was referred to as "Daddy", regardless of whose lips the word fell from. "But I also know that he would love to feel you in there before you come out to meet us. And tomorrow is Saturday, so he's going to be home all day. What do you say you wake up for a little while and give him a surprise then, huh? I know the doctor said you like the sound of Daddy's voice, and I have to agree with you, it is pretty relaxing. But do you think we can manage that for him?"
My breath caught in my throat as I felt my belly rise beneath my palm and tears welled in my eyes as I began kicking the covers off my legs. "Oh my God, Edward!"
As I rose from my bed, I heard the thundering footsteps from the room above me, followed by the rumbling down the stairs. Before I could even reach my bedroom door, it swung open with Edward's frazzled and still slightly sleep-laden form appearing there. "What is it? What's wrong?"
Pregnancy is a very strange thing, I came to realize. Just when I believed that even the mere thought of the act that had gotten me into that predicament—the aching back, swollen ankles, and an all-around feeling of being the least attractive I'd ever been—would send me running away screaming, I was proven wrong. Because there stood a shirtless Edward, with his sleep pants hung low on his hips and hair frantically tousled from sleep, and I'd never been more aroused in my life.
In all the time I'd known him, I had never once looked at Edward that way, but right at that moment, I found it difficult to see him in any other. I noticed everything I hadn't before—the amazing green of his eyes normally hidden behind glasses, his thin, smooth lips, and a jaw that could likely cut glass with its intense ridges. His nicely contoured chest and abdomen took me by surprise as well, and with a light dusting of hair that had not been there even the previous summer when I was still his neighbor, coming over to swim with him in the Cullens' pool. And the arms—don't get me started on the arms.
Damn these pregnancy hormones!
That thought, combined with the worried, expectant look on Edward's face that had since been joined by Carlisle's behind him, brought me back to the moment, and I shook my head. "Nothing, I'm fine. She just started moving again."
Edward's eyes widened, while his father sighed in relief before turning to go back upstairs. "Really? Is she still moving now?"
His hand rested just below mine and I began backing toward the bed to sit down again. We waited for several moments without a single hint of motion from the baby and I watched his features subtly fall again. "She was just moving, I swear."
Edward forced a small smile and then leaned down to kiss my stomach gently, whispering against my shirt. "It's okay, sweetheart."
I could hear the sadness in his tone and I sighed, running my hand over his hair to the back of his neck. "Just wait a minute," I whispered, leaning back on my elbow and looking down to my stomach. "Come on, baby girl. You were just moving for Mommy. How about a little nudge for Daddy, hmm?"
I kept my voice soft as I lightly rubbed over the bump, but still, nothing.
"Bella, it's really okay. I know she doesn't move for me," Edward replied in a gentle tone, pressing his lips to my forehead. He tried so hard to be understanding about it all, but I could always see his fears coming through. That somehow, subconsciously, the baby knew that he wasn't her real father—he didn't buy into the doctor's theory at all. And no matter how I tried to soothe him, assuring him that biology was only half the battle with children—as I'd read in the adoptive and step-parenting chapter in one of my many books—at best, it seemed he only half believed me.
"But I want you to feel it so badly," I said with tears welling in my eyes.
"I know, and I'd love to feel her, too. But she's happy and healthy, and that's all that really matters, right?" Edward murmured against my hair.
Then suddenly, a sharp gasp escaped us both as a wave rolled across my stomach beneath his hand and I clasped it firmly with mine. And it was times like that, when it was easy to forget how young we were, our situation, and as in that moment, what we were to each other. In his excitement over the feeling he'd longed for, he lifted his eyes to look at me and gave an ecstatic smile seconds before his lips sealed over mine. I froze in shock for an instant and then my earlier musings returned in a rush, bringing me to respond eagerly to his kiss.
Another sharp kick from beneath our hands halted our movements and we both stared at each other, slightly dazed as we pulled back.
"That was another kick," he said distractedly as he swallowed hard.
"Yes, it was," I whispered back, my eyes searching his nervously.
"That was amazing," he replied with a heavy breath and then he blinked, pulling his hand away from me and standing. "Thank you. For calling me down and all. I should probably get back upstairs before my dad starts thinking anything. Good night, Bella."
I watched as he stammered while he backed out of the room, stumbling over my sneaker and catching his balance again before hurrying out.
What the hell did we just do? Admittedly, it was an emotionally charged moment, and the elation that had visibly run through him was evidence of how much it meant to him. But I wasn't expecting a kiss, and a damn good one at that. I'd felt his lips on my forehead and my cheek more times that I could possibly count, but when they met mine, it was something else entirely. They were so soft as they took my top one between them, suckling lightly before making a slow gliding over mine, and I still felt a shiver run through my body just from the memory of that sensation.
I jumped as my fingertips touched my lips, still sensitive from his kiss. Even though it had admittedly been a long time for me, nothing with Jasper had ever felt like that, and that thought caused tears to begin welling in my eyes. The most amazing kiss I'd ever experienced and I knew it was something I would never feel again. Edward was my best friend; he was doing something absolutely amazing for me at a high cost to himself in so many ways, and my baby was going to have an exceptional father because of it. But he was also a man, who would someday have his own life to lead outside of us. I'd never thought that far into the future before then, and I was furious with myself at the selfish panic rushing through me.
Someday, he would want to have a girlfriend, maybe even a marriage and children of his own. I couldn't keep him all to myself forever, but damn, how I wanted to.
I had to stop thinking that way, I told myself as I wiped the tears from my eyes and laid down on my side, gazing out the window. Nothing like that could ever happen again. Making things awkward between us just as my due date was approaching would only cause strain and tension that neither of us could afford. And no matter what, I never wanted to lose Edward's friendship.
It was just hormones and loneliness, and fear of everything that was right around the corner for us. Nothing more.
x-x-x
"And deep breath in, and one, two, three…"
Short puffs of breath left me with each count from the Lamaze instructor thankful for the distraction from the reality that it was my last class, with my due date a week away. As well as the fact that I was the only mother there that night alone.
Edward had not missed a single class or doctor's appointment throughout my entire pregnancy before, and I'd never received quite as many stares from newcomers as I had during that particular class. And through I knew it was—once again—really selfish of me, I'd sobbed uncontrollably when I'd received his text around five o' clock.
Running late. Highway is a parking lot. Be there as soon as I can. If not before class is over, I'll see you at home. I'm so sorry.
I'd had to ask my dad for a ride to class on his way to work, with my stomach now making it difficult to both steer and reach the pedals of my truck at the same time. Then I tearfully called Carlisle to make sure he'd be able to pick me up afterward if Edward didn't make it.
And as I tried to refocus on my breathing again to keep from bursting into tears, a new rush of panic flooded through me.
What would happen if Edward got stuck in Seattle when I went into labor? Giving birth in itself scared the crap out of me, but going through it alone? The thought was crippling. I couldn't do it without Edward there. I needed him.
"Bella? What's wrong, sweetheart?" the Lamaze instructor's voice broke me out of my thoughts, and my head snapped up to find that while she spoke calmly, her eyes were worried as they flickered over me.
It was then that I noticed the dampness of my cheeks, the raggedness of my breaths, and my uncontrollably shaking hands. I swallowed hard and shook my head, trying to compose myself before attempting to reply. "N-nothing. I'm f-fine. Just a little nervous, I guess."
My sobs, however, would not cease, and with the assistance of one of the other fathers, the instructor helped me off the floor and into a small side office, where I continued to cry. The fact that I had just humiliated myself out there didn't matter. I needed Edward so much at that moment, and he wasn't there. I wanted him to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay, that he would always be there for me and calm me, in the way that only he was capable. To ease my fears if only for a moment.
"Bella." A rushed urgent voice sounded in the doorway and I looked up to find Edward slightly out of breath and with flushed cheeks, before he quickly came to my side. "What happened? They called me and said you were having a panic attack or something. I'm so sorry I couldn't get here faster. Are you okay?"
I gazed down at him, where he was crouched at my side and his hands holding mine between them, his eyes wandering over my face in worry. I wanted to tell him that I was fine, that it was just my stupid hormones and erase the line of concern creasing his forehead. But one look into those green eyes and I crumbled, unable to hide from him and shook my head. "What if I have to do this alone? What if you're all the way up in Seattle and I have this baby before you even get out of class? I'm so scared that you won't be there, Edward. I don't know what I would have done all this time without you, and just the thought of having this baby…"
"Bella, slow down and breathe," Edward replied calmly, stroking the back of my hand with his fingertips and inhaling through his nose as if instructing me to do so myself. "All of my professors already know that one phone call is all it takes, and I'm gone. I will be here, Bella. You won't be alone, no matter how many traffic laws I have to break."
I met his eyes again as he traced the backs of his fingers along my cheek and even allowed myself to chuckle at the lightness in his voice and gaze, and suddenly felt ridiculous. "I'm being crazy again, aren't I?"
"A little crazy, yeah. But I'm pretty sure you're allowed," Edward replied, raising his lips to my brow and pressing his lips to my skin, before resting his own forehead against it. "I promised you I'd be here for you, and I meant it. Okay?"
"Okay," I replied in a whisper, nodded when he asked me if I was ready to go home. I took his hands for him to help me out of the chair and slowly stood, but froze when I felt a warm gush spread down my legs and my grip on him tightened.
"Oh my God," we both said simultaneously, gazing at each other in both nervousness and sheer excitement.
We were about to become parents.
x-x-x
After driving like a maniac unnecessarily and calling his father at work to ask him to just stay there, we thankfully made it to the hospital in one piece, where my parents stood waiting. I wasn't overly scared yet, and assured my mother that I was fine and not in too much pain.
And boy, did I speak way too soon.
Within twenty minutes of being settled into my room and told that I was at four centimeters, I felt as if I was being split it two. I was certain that, by the end of it all, Edward's hand would never recover its original shape and color after the death grip I had on it. Yet he never flinched or pulled away, or even left my side for a moment. He fed me ice chips, wiped down my sweaty face, and whispered words of encouragement as he would kiss my forehead or the back of my hand.
What I had done to deserve a friend like Edward, I was sure I'd never know.
When the time came for me to push, I was so thoroughly exhausted—wishing I hadn't listened to all the natural birth talk and gone for the epidural—Edward was asked to sit behind me on the bed to support me. His fingers interweaved with mine on either side of me, still speaking softly into my ear as tears flowed freely down my cheeks, using every ounce of my remaining strength to push.
After all the horror stories I'd heard about hours' worth of pushing, I was stunned when, less than ten minutes later, the pressure disappeared—leaving behind only a dull ache—and the most amazing sound I'd heard since the beating of my baby's heart echoed through the room.
Our daughter's first gasp of breath followed by her trembling cry.
The doctor held her up for us to get our first good view of her, and I shakily released Edward's hand to reach out and touch the tiny fist of our little girl with my fingertips. When I leaned into Edward again once they took her away, a tired and tearful laugh left me as I nuzzled the back of my head into his chest.
"She's perfect," I said with a soft sob, feeling every fear I'd had over my entire pregnancy leave me in a rush as he hummed in agreement.
Carlie Renee had arrived, healthy and strong. Edward was there beside me through the entire thing. And as he pointed out when she was finally brought back to us and set into my arms, she looked just like a Swan through and through, without a single trace of Jasper in her beautiful features.
I felt Edward's lips pressed against my damp hair and turned my head to brush them gently with mine. His eyes gazed at me questioningly, but I could only smile back at him and whisper, "Thank you. For everything."