November 23, 2007
Time has become more than irrelevant...

"This assignment is extremely important, not only for your semester grade but for your future."

I puffed out my cheeks, crossed my eyes and started quietly humming the theme song to Green Acres.

"It will teach you the many responsibilities and compromises involved in parenthood and marriage."

Green Acres turned into the Oscar Mayer Weiner song, and the cuticle on my right pointer finger became very fascinating.

"Hopefully, it will help you make slightly more informed decisions about sex and relationships at your current age."

I bit off my cuticle and got a speck of blood on my notebook. The speck was shaped a lot like Jimmy Carter.

"You and your partners will make a Life Plan. You'll pick careers out of the Career Box, find a living quarters from the newspaper, and create a budget. The budget must include education expenses for your child simulation."

If Jimmy Carter had married Sponge Bob Squarepants...well that would have been weird.

"Here are your partners..."

I was partnered with Percy. Life was getting ironically ironic. God I fucking hate irony.

Even though he tricked me into accepting his pathetic apology, although I would have melted to him eventually anyway, I was still extremely hurt. He lied to me and ditched me on our birthday to have sex with his stupid little girlfriend. Apparently, it was her gift to him for his eighteenth birthday. What. A. Whore.

A ball of paper hit me on the head and landed on my desk, abolishing poor Jimmy and squashing my dreams of a yellow crustacean president. I looked up and saw Percy smiling at me from across the room. I smiled back and uncrumpled the paper.

should we get sacrificial seed for big bird? i'd like a good crop this year. BTW its not thursday wink wink

A slow smile spread itself across my face and I glanced at Percy. He was making a very suggestive hand gesture that made me blush horribly. He shot me a wink and grinned cheekily. I laid my head down on my desk to hide my face and tried to remember the pledge of allegiance.

Lunch

"So, do we get to name the baby?" Percy dangled the plastic doll in front of his face and cocked his head to the side, studying it. There was a rather amusing look of confusion and slight terror on his face. It made me smile.

"Yeah, of course." I answered and went back to writing down the address of the apartment we had picked from the housing section. Percy set the doll in the grass in front of him and carefully undid the Velcro jumpsuit it wore. He pulled the suit around the dolls ankles and stared at its naked body.

"What the fuck are you doing, Percy?" Alex snorted, his own doll laying carelessly discarded in his back pack behind him.

"I'm checking it for a dick, stupid." Percy scoffed, as if it should have been obvious.

"And?" Christian chuckled. He had dumped his doll on his partner in the library when it started crying hysterically. Percy frowned and redressed our baby.

"It sure as hell isn't a boy."

"Then we're naming it Winnifred." I said simply. Everyone turned to look at me.

"Winnifred?" Alex repeated mockingly, as if the name tasted sour. I had been writing but I looked up slowly and nodded.

"Yes, Winnifred Agnes."

"Winnifred Agnes Jackson." Christian toppled over in amusement as he spoke, "That's fucking beautiful."

"Damn Sophia, your kid's gonna get her snack pack stolen." Patrick shook his head and took a bite out of his apple. I curled my upper lip at them and rolled my eyes.

"Well I like it, Soph." Percy smiled smugly at the other guys and dropped an arm around my shoulders. I glanced at him and smiled.

"Thank you, Perc."

"Ooo Percy-Pie to the rescue. Look at you being all chivalrous and shit." Christian sneered. He ripped open a bag of Cheetos.

"Fucking-a right." Percy nodded his head authoritatively, "I'm a father now, and chivalry comes with the package."

"Does bad hair and a voice that causes entire cities to implode come in that package also?" Alex fluttered his eyelashes at Percy and picked at the peel on his apple.

Percy's mouth hung open in shock, "Well at least I write my own lyrics, biznatch."

I chuckled as Christian made a sizzling sound indicating the severity of Percy's burn. It was funny, even though the two, without each other's talents, would probably be little to nothing. Then came a strange whining sound from near Percy's crotch.

"Uh, Percy..." I began.

"Percy, switching the ending words to phrases from Dr. Seuss does not qualify as 'your own lyrics'." Alex leaned forward. Christian gave Alex a high-five, showing his lack of loyalty to either side. The noise came again, and I looked at our baby. Percy had it tucked in his lap, stuck between his thighs so that in order to take it I would have to chance touching his...down-there area. I cleared my throat.

"Percy the ba-"

"Don't hate, don't hate." Percy's voice hitched up with his attempt at ghetto, "I see how it is. You can go right ahead and sing my songs but giving me some well do credit is beneath you?"

"Psh, you think you're the shit because you can rhyme."

I tugged on Percy's sleeve, "Percy, the baby is-"

"At least I can rhyme."

"Cat and Hat haven't counted since the second grade."

"Well excuse me, your Highness." Percy's voice was rank with playful resentment, "If you don't like my lyrics by all means write your own."

"For real, Percy-"

"Maybe I will." Alex mocked Percy's childish manner.

"Pe-"

"Fine."

"I-"

"Fine."

"Il bambino fucking sta gridando, Percy!" I shouted.

Percy's attention snapped to me. A flash of well contained "excitement" passed over his features, then a look of confusion took over, "Wait, what?"

"The baby is fucking crying, Percy." I pointed to his lap. He looked even more confused for a second before he looked down and gasped.

"Oh!" He scooped up the screaming doll and stared at it, "Uh...I...here." He handed it to Alex.

"Dude, I'm not your partner!" Alex squealed and held the doll at arms length as if was going to bite him. Of course it's simulated crying was very life like and getting even higher in pitch. I groaned and reached out to take the baby. I cradled it in my arms and shushed it, singing very softly and rocking it back and forth. After a few long minutes of nothing but the boys silence and my very Disney-esque mothering tactics, the doll stopped screaming and went into sleep mode. I looked up at the faces of all three boys staring at me. Christian looked creeped out and Alex looked shocked, but the look on Percy's face was something I really couldn't place. There was an odd little smile and his eyes gave an unusual sparkle. It made my stomach flip and fill up with nervous butterflies.

"That was...scary." Christian shuddered, "Sophizzle acting all maternal was enough to give me nightmares for life."

I was too busy staring back at Percy to send him a glare or flick him off.

"I never would've thought...it just went right to sleep." Alex was still staring at the doll, "I mean I had to smash mine against my locker to shut it the fuck up."

"You're just parentally challenged." Christian popped a Cheeto into his mouth, "Or it hates you." Then he glanced at me again and visibly shuddered.

Percy's smile grew into a toothy grin, "That was so cool, Sophia." He said softly.

"Cool?" I repeated. The way he was smiling at me was making me shake.

"Yeah, I've never seen that side of you."

"Well I'm not surprised. How many babies has she had to silence?" Christian said sarcastically. He chewed thoughtfully on his food then shook his head, "God, am I the only one thoroughly disturbed by that whole thing?"

There was a short silence before Percy answered with a faint nod, "Yeah."