I had exactly one week before the Homecoming dance. One week to steady my nerves for entering the gymnasium on the arm of the captain of the football team, one week to learn how to walk more than two steps in high heels without falling on my face, and one week to find a dress that looked decent on me.

I have little to no faith in my ability to radiate feminism. Fourteen years with a male best friend was probably to blame.

The second the final bell of the day rang I was clinging desperately to Marissa's arm, begging her to come shopping with me.

"I can't today, Soph. I have practice." She told me apologetically. I glared at her and threw myself dramatically against her locker.

"But you suck at volleyball." I whined. She pinched my arm, making me let out a horrendous squealing yelp, and turned around to make her way to the locker room. I shoved myself off of the wall and latched onto her waist.

"Sophia!" She shouted, nearly stumbling into our English teacher.

"I'm desperate!" I cried, "You know I have zero fashion sense and even less common sense. I won't be able to pick a dress without you!"

Marissa rolled her eyes but a smirk found its way to her lips, "Sophia, you'll look amazing in anything. Besides it doesn't matter what you wear, you're going to be the center of his attention."

"Whose attention?" I feigned innocence, "Mr. Engle the band teacher? Or Pop'n'Fresh. Because I am so tryin' to get all up in his play dough."

"Percy!" Marissa shoved me, "You could go in a fucking paper sack and he still wouldn't be able to take his eyes off of you."

I felt myself begin to blush and turned away from her, "I still want to look good." I admitted shyly, "This is so stupid. But I just want to...ya know..." I trailed off.

"Want to what?"

I hesitated, debating whether or not the suffering I'd endure after uttering this sentence would be worth it, "I want to...take his breath away."

Marissa's smile grew and she nudged me playfully, "You want to look sexy. You want to give him a boner."

"Ahhh, Marissa!" I covered my ears and whined loudly until she stopped teasing me, "That was so vulgar." I murmured after uncovering my ears. She grinned at me and shifted the large duffle bag on her shoulder.

"Look, Soph, I'd be more than ecstatic to go help you buy the sex dress of your dreams, but I really need to go to practice, because like you said, I suck at volleyball." She sighed and I pulled a grimace at her use of the term "sex dress".

"Ryss, you're the Rachael to my Monica." I gave her the most piteous, pathetic puppy dog eyes imaginable, and all she did was snort at my audacity in using a serious and appropriate metaphor involving characters from Friends.

"If you can possibly find a way to suppress your insatiable need to panic until tomorrow, then I'll throw on my bling and we'll paint the mall neon."

I shook my head, "Wait, what?"

Marissa fluttered her eyelashes at me and ruffled my hair, "If not, then take Alex. We all know he has a Queer Eye."

I furrowed my eyebrows and scratched my chin, putting on a very impressive look of Martin Sheen style contemplation before responding, "That's not a bad idea."

"Of course not." She pecked me on the cheek and started toward the gym, flipping me the bird as she did. I scowled after her, trying with every fiber of my being to curse her so she got hit in the head every five minutes with a volley ball.

I made it out to the parking lot before I even spotted Alex. When I did it was all I could do not to keel over with laughter. He was standing with Summer next to her car, with her purse slung over his shoulder and her books cradled in his arms. She wasn't unlocking the door or turning on the stereo or anything that required two hands; she was just standing there flirting with him, and from what I could see she wasn't even very good at it.

I watched her throw her head back and laugh manically at something stupid he had said, and then she reached out and swatted his arm playfully, nearly knocking all of her shit to the ground in the process. Alex teetered on one foot for a whole two minutes, on the brink of disaster, as she turned around finally to slide into her car. Then he set her things in the back seat and leaned in the driver's window to give, what I noticed, was a very passionate and long lasting kiss.

It was probably really juicy too.

The kind of kiss I was still waiting for from Percy.

...or anyone for that matter...

As soon as Summer had pulled out of the parking lot, I made my way over to Alex.

"Alex the P-I-M-P." I did my best Snoop Dogg impression and jumped on his back.

"Get off of me you Hippo." He joked and spun around really fast, making me emit a very involuntary squeal and tighten my grip on his shoulders.

When he stopped and I slid from his back I immediately swung my arm around his neck and gave him a noogie. He swatted at my hands.

"No touching the hair!" He shouted, gripping my wrists and giving the crazy stoner eyes. I snorted with laughter.

"When the fuck did you start caring about your hair?"

Alex let go of my wrists and leaned down to adjust his hair in the reflection of a car window, "I don't." He insisted, "Summer said-"

"Whipped!" I punched him in the shoulder. He yelped and clutched at it, shooting me a glare.

"First of all, ow!" He shook his head at me, "And second of all, I am not whipped." He reached into his bag hanging low by his hip and pulled out his trucker hat, the one that was usually surgically attached to his head.

"Sure you're not. That's why you let Summer tell you to remove this thing-" I rapped on the bill of the hat as he tugged it onto his head, "-even though we all know it's your main source of brain power. Without it you can barely manage blinking and walking at the same time."

Alex leaned back down to check the exact tilt of his precious hat in the car window again before scolding me, "If you would ever shut the fuck up for more than two milliseconds at a time then you would have heard the entirety of my sentence."

"You make it sound like I'm always talking or something."

"Well, you are." He smiled, "I was trying to tell you that Summer said your sweater today really brings out the green in your eyes."

I smiled at the compliment, "Well you can tell Summer that I said thank you but I don't muff dive. I have a hard time holding my breath."

Alex's jaw dropped and he shoved me, "You're a disgusting excuse for a girl."

"True." I rose my forefinger in the air as if making a groundbreaking statement. "Which is why I went out of my way to ogle you and your butch snogging each other in the parking lot, so I could cordially invite you to go Homecoming dress shopping with me."

Alex stared at me for a long minute, "I'm not sure what part of that to address first."

"I find it's usually a good idea to start at the beginning."

"Okay." Alex took a deep breath, "My butch?"

"I saw you holding her shit." I shrugged, "You, my friend, are so the bitch in that relationship.

"And you want me to go dress shopping with you?"

"You're the Will to my Grace." I pride myself on being able to make sense of any situation using characters from long running sitcoms.

"I'm not gay, Soph." Alex rolled his eyes.

"But you have a very compromising sense of style." I waited patiently for two heartbeats before hurling myself to my knees and wrapping my arms around his legs, "Please, Alex! I'm so lost and alone in the crazy mixed up world! The mall is no place for someone like me!"

"Fashion victims with big boobs and short abdomens?"

I ignored his comment and gave him huge, sinister eyes, "I'll buy you a smoothie."

Alex grinned down at me, "Alright, let's go shopping."

I stood up and threw my arms around his neck, "I promise I won't ever tell anyone you're addicted to animal porn ever again!"

"Wait, what?"

I let go of him, "Wal-Mart then?"

Alex stared at me, "You're joking, right?"

I just blew him a kiss and started toward his car. When we were both seated and he had begun to back out of his space, Alex turned to me, "Did you say you were ogling me and Summer snogging in the parking lot?"

"Don't get a big head about it," I sniffed and tossed my feet up on the dashboard, "I ogle everyone when they snog in the parking lot."

I stood in the tiny changing booth, staring at my reflection in the full length mirror, trying to decide on a scale of one to ten, just how much of a disaster it would be to go out in public in that dress.

"Sophia?" Alex called from outside the door, "Come on, let me see it."

I tugged at the low neckline, so low it plummeted in between my breasts, and muttered a few curse words at how awkward my chest looked.

"No." I said back. There was a groan and Alex knocked on the door.

"Soph, I'm here to help you, but I can't really do that if you won't let me see you in the dresses." He paused, "This is the third one and you still won't come out."

I pouted at myself and pulled aside the edges of the thigh high slit in the ankle length dress. I jutted out my leg and attempted a seductive pose.

"Sophia." Alex said again. I sighed dramatically.

"I can't, Alex, I look like an idiot."

"You're wearing the blue and black one right?"

"Yeah."

"Then that's not possible."

His words made me smile and I reached for the doorknob, "You can't laugh." I warned.

"Cross my heart."

I sucked my lower lip into my mouth and pulled the door open. Alex stepped back and stared at me. His mouth hung open slightly and his eyes were so wide he reminded me of a chinchilla.

I grew self-conscious under his gaze and started to retreat back into the dressing room, but Alex reached out and grabbed my arm.

"You look..." He shook his head slowly, "Amazing, Sophia."

Even though it was Alex, I was as red as a fucking tomato.

"Really?" I asked timidly, the grin on my face so big and tight I thought my face might split in two.

Alex nodded furiously, "I almost wish I had asked you." He laughed, "To get to look at you in that all night..." He trailed off and shook his head again, "Percy isn't gonna know what hit him."

The smile on my face faltered, "But I'm not going with Percy." I sighed, "Annabeth, his girlfriend is. I'm going with Luke. Everyone seems to be forgetting that. Even me."

Alex grabbed both of my hands and held them out so he could get a broader view of me in the dress, "A trivial catch." He smiled reassuringly, "She's only still a part of this because Percy's too much of a pussy to go after what he really wants. He always has been. Sure he puts on that he's Mr. Charisma, but he's just as scared as the rest of us." Alex raised his eyes to meet mine, "Deep down, he's just a kid."

I turned around so he could zip it up the rest of the way, studying him in the mirror as he fumbled with the clasps and continued speaking, "As for Luke, " He bit down on his tongue, concentrating very hard, "You shouldn't date a guy with Hades tattooed on his ass cheek anyway."

I frowned and turned around to face him, "For real?"

Alex smirked and shrugged, "Sometimes I do deals in the locker room with players after practice."

I couldn't help but laugh out loud at the image of Alex selling weed to a buck naked Luke. Especially when there was a little blond cartoon boy carrying a slingshot permanently imprinted on his butt.

I stared at Alex for a long time while he fussed with the rumpled waist of my dress. For being a lifelong stoner, born with a bong in his hand, he was unbelievably perceptive, and indisputably intelligent.

"There," He stood up straight and stepped back to admire me one more time, "Of course, you can't wear the bright green bra with it."

I glanced down at the undergarment peeking out between the folds of my dress and laughed, tugging it around to cover it up. Then I looked back up at Alex and smiled, "Thank you."

He nodded, knowing full well that I didn't just mean for picking out the dress. Then I spun around and looked at my reflection in the mirror.

Maybe he was right, I didn't look so ridiculous after all.