Notes: Re-uploaded and edited into a longer, more complete chapter. Part I and II have been merged into a new Part I; Part III, and the chapter I had been writing these days now make up Part II. When I began writing this, it was meant to be originally just the one-shot. Then it was turned into a collection, in which I wrote Drowning, which, in turn, became a series. Because I did not expect to expand this work, the chapters were a bit short and choppy, so I'm trying to correct that now. Sorry for the inconvenience!
Also, thank you for your reviews, follows and favourites! I love reading your opinions so don't hesitate in letting me know whether you like, or hate, the story.
Kudos if you recognise Dr. Kido Jyou! I'm borrowing him from Digimon.
Feels like I'm trying to breathe under water, trying to climb but I keep falling farther.
"I Need to Know", Kriss Allen
From: Y. Sousuke [5:15AM]
Don't forget your sister's bag.
From: Y. Sousuke [5:16AM]
I'm going for a run, then some laps. Don't wait for me.
He left the room quietly, before Gou had a chance to wake up and stop him, and he'd had no intentions of going back until she was on the train back home. Two weeks had passed, and he had not seen her since.
As his feet hit the pavement, Sousuke fixed his eyes on the road before him and tried to focus on the task at hand. His chest was heavy, like someone far stronger than him had been pressing in on it and refused to let him budge. His lungs ached as he breathed in the cold morning air, but he relished in the feeling of stretching his muscles, especially after last night's pitiful performance in the swimming pool. If he closed his eyes he could see her clearly, standing above the surface, looking down on him with a mixture of impatience and sympathy.
Your fatigue is ruining your form.
His breath was laboured as he picked up speed, zipping his jacket up to his chin and forcing himself to leave it all, and her, behind. He turned left on the next corner, deviating from the trail he usually ran with Rin, for the one that took him through nearby hills. The trek was heavier, more difficult than running regular tracks, but it made up for the lack of exercise he otherwise engaged in. With his shoulder still in recovery, he'd been taking to compensating with leg strength in a cheap attempt to even his condition. So far, it had only made the tiniest of differences, but it was what kept Sousuke afloat.
He ran for almost two hours in intervals of intense running and what could only be considered intense jogging — Sousuke had never been particularly good at pacing himself, which was, he often reminded himself, the reason why he currently sported a shoulder brace. When his legs felt like jelly and he was absolutely too tired to go on, he took a deep breath and turned back towards the academy in a steady jog. He was drenched in sweat, hot all over when he saw her. She was checking in at the front desk, writing herself down as visiting her brother, Matsuoka Rin.
Sousuke pulled out his phone and dialed his friend's number.
"Rin," he spoke, loud enough for her to hear, "—your sister's here."
Then, with barely a perfunctory nod as greeting, he walked right past her and towards his building and room.
"Oi, Sousuke," Rin looked up when he came in, a pencil twirled idly between long fingers. "Where's Gou?"
"She was checking in," the young man replied, not looking at Rin as he removed his jacket and threw it into the hamper. "Are you going out today?" he tried to keep his tone casual, disinterested.
"I think she's got the whole evening planned," Rin sighed. "I told her I had studying to do but…"
"—but she wouldn't take no for an answer."
Rin stretched his arms over his head, yawning.
"I didn't realise you understood her so well," he chuckled.
"I don't," he said, with such vice he had to check himself before carelessly adding, "— but she's your sister, isn't she?"
"Oi," Rin complained, obviously recovered from his initial surprise at Sousuke's vehemence in denying he had anything but a superficial understanding of the younger Matsuoka. Aiming his eraser at him, which Sousuke effortlessly dodged, he leaned back on his chair. "Anyway, you're coming with?"
"Not today," Sousuke did not even bat an eyelash as he continued loading his clothes, searching for a fresh change to take into the showers. He turned over his shoulder, giving Rin a half smile. "I have to be somewhere. You'll have to tell me all about it later tonight."
He moved towards the door at the same time she had reached for it, and ended up staring down into her crimson eyes for two seconds before he averted his gaze, patting her on the head without sparing her another glance.
"Have fun," he said, and he felt his chest tighten just a little, because he had not missed the little hurt in her eyes when he ignored her thus.
He took more time than necessary in the shower, wondering if any of them knew he was purposefully stalling. He knew he was being a coward, knew it in his gut, but knowing that did nothing to assuage the feeling of helplessness he got whenever Gou was around. It was a cruel reminder of how weak he had been and just how lonely he had felt all this time. And being with Gou, having her linger closely in moments that were too intimate, too intense like everything else Sousuke was, was slowly killing him.
He returned to the room, unsurprised that he did not find them there. He hadn't wanted to, but even as he saw the empty beds and chairs, he felt his heart sink as if he had missed something important.
-x-
His two o'clock appointment found him dutifully in the waiting room, elbows lax over his knees, hands hanging casually. He looked up as his name was called, following the pretty nurse with gentle face that told him the doctor was expecting him.
The office was large and spacious, and smelled of fresh lavender — not the artificial smell on fabric softeners or car aromatizers, but the smell of freshly cut sprigs of lavender and he could see them in the clear vase, swaying softly in the breeze that entered the open window. The doctor, upon seeing him, tapped his files against his desk and turned back to close the window and turn up the A/C.
"I like airing the office every now and then," he explained unnecessarily, a statement Sousuke barely acknowledged.
The nurse, who took the files off his hand, offered him a bright smile.
"Anything else I can do for you, Dr. Kido?"
"Nothing for now," he said absently, pushing his glasses farther up his face. "I already have Yamazaki-kun's files, thank you, Megumi-san."
"You're welcome sensei," the woman said, bowing before leaving the two men alone.
Sousuke observed his young doctor, his pale complexion and glossy blue hair, dark blue eyes hidden behind thick-rimmed glasses. Though he was based in Tokyo, the doctor was participating in a programme that brought him to different parts of the country in an effort to recruit candidates for his rehabilitation programme, which was how Sousuke came to find himself in this provisional office.
"So, Yamazaki-kun," the doctor said, "how's your shoulder feeling?"
Sousuke shrugged. "Just the same. Still hurts. Still can't swim."
"Have you been going through your exercises?"
"Of course I have," he murmured, already annoyed.
"Would you mind showing me?"
"My shoulder?"
"Your exercises, Yamazaki-kun. We'd like to keep you in observation for today, if that's alright with you," he ran his finger down his tablet, looking at Sousuke over his glasses. "It'll take a few hours, but it'll help assess your current condition."
"I'll call my parents," Sousuke finally agreed, rising from the chair and dialing his family number. Five minutes later and much more reassured, he returned to the office and looked at his doctor straight in the eye while he nodded. "I'm yours for the weekend."
His assessment was proven to be long, tiring and frustrating. He was taken to the machines, where he was weighed, measured and subjected to a physical exam before he even began his workout. He was asked to cooperate with his running device for a sample of his time and speed, endurance and average. Then he was set to walk, jog, run and lift weights, pull weights, put different levels of strain on his arms and legs and, particularly, on his shoulders.
It wasn't the first time he had done it, and it would not be the last. He waited as Dr. Kido made observations now and then, clipped orders and asked him to do more, or less, or better. By the end of the terribly long weekend Sousuke was too exhausted to even complain about having to leave late. He grumbled a good-bye, catching the bus back to Samezuka by sundown.
From M. Rin [5:48PM]
Are you home yet?
From: Y. Sousuke [5:49PM]
Yes.
From: M. Rin [5:50PM]
I'm running late, can you sign me up at the front desk?
From: Y. Sousuke [5:53PM]
Bring food.
Rin came in at around ten, when Sousuke was busy finishing up papers he had been putting off the entire week. His red-haired friend dropped a bag on the desk, then threw himself on the bottom bunk and sighed loudly. Sousuke did not turn around, but opened the bag and gingerly picked at the food he had been brought, a large bento box that had clearly been arranged with much care.
"Remind me to thank your mother," he said, taking a bite of freshly cut tuna.
"She was upset you didn't come home for the weekend," Rin said absently, picking idly at his phone. "And anyway, Gou made that for you."
Upon hearing it, Sousuke lowered his chopsticks, looking at the box with hesitance. Rin didn't seem to notice, or took it as doubt that the food was safe to eat, so he chuckled, taking a small bundle out of his backpack and throwing it at the back of Sousuke's head.
"She also sent this," he said. "Said sorry, she thought it was mine."
He picked the shirt off the floor, the one Gou had picked to sleep in the last time she had come over to visit Rin. Frowning, he set it on the desk next to his books and slowly got back to his food, now paying painful attention to the way everything was so carefully arranged and skillfully prepared. And he wondered if that was her way of saying sorry.
Sorry, she thought it was mine.
"She didn't have to," Sousuke mumbled. "I hope you didn't make her."
"Nah," Rin said. "She was cooking for the guys anyway. I just asked for an extra bento."
He didn't know why, but that was almost worse. He finished the rest of his meal in silence, only occasionally responding to Rin's remarks or questions, acting like the dutiful friend he was as the redhead told in detail his fantastic weekend home with his sister, and mother, and best friends. And though Sousuke wanted to complain because his weekend had been shitty in comparison, he could only shrug when Rin asked about it, because how pathetic did it sound: I spent the weekend in a hospital Rin, what did you expect?
"It was alright," he answered. "Routinary exercises."
"Any news?" Rin perked up.
"I'll find out tomorrow," Sousuke answered shortly, as if it was no big deal. He quickly made an excuse to turn back to his work and finish his dinner and by the time he was done, Rin had already climbed on the top bunk and was fast asleep.
He was about to change into fresh clothes when he saw it, the shirt Rin had brought back. He brought it to his face, shocked that it would bring her scent with it, even now. And then, because he could not think of anything else more comforting, he shrugged into the shirt, falling on the bed with a lost stare and the knowledge that she was so far away, until sleep finally claimed him.
-x-
To: Yamazaki, S.
From: Kido, J.
Subject: Results
Good morning, Yamazaki-kun.
I have with me the results of your exams and physical tests and would like to discuss them in person, if possible. Call to make an appointment and I will clear it with your physical therapist. We need to work together if we want to achieve full recovery, but it cannot be done without a positive disposition. Please stay safe.
Kido Jyou
.
Sousuke read the email three times, then blinked slowly. He had woken up at the usual time and it wasn't until lunch break that he caught the notification on his smartphone. He quickly dialed the number he had by now memorised and cleared an appointment for that same afternoon, 4:30PM. He rubbed at his shoulder absently, a habit he hadn't realised he'd picked up. Slipping his phone back inside his trouser pockets, Sousuke stiffled a yawn and walked back towards his class with a very impatient Rin.
"Was it good news?" the redhead asked, watching him out of the corner of his eye. Sousuke paused, then shrugged.
"He wants to discuss it in person," he said, and then let out a chuckle. "Kind of a giveaway, isn't it? Nobody wants to share bad news over email."
Rin had tried to sound cheerful and optimistic, but Sousuke caught him biting the end of two pens and barking orders at Nitori on their way to practice. For once, he was actually glad he'd be skipping, even if it was to sit for half an hour on a bus to face a physician that was about to break his heart in the way he had broken his own shoulder. He crossed his arms over his chest, earphones plugged in and music blasting high as he tried to mute the sounds of his erratically beating heart.
He entered the hospital with his hands deep inside his pockets, eyes cast downwards as he found his way through the now familiar hallways, brightly lit and clean in that way only hospitals could be.
"I'm here for my appointment," he announced at the pretty nurse from the other day, who smiled her pretty smile for him, sending a wink his way.
"Yamazaki-kun, yes," she cooed, "Dr. Kido is waiting for you with Fujiwara-san. Do you want me to escort you inside?"
"I would rather not," he answered, unabashed to turn her down. It was a thing you learned when you were in and out of hospitals; nurses were there to help, not to baby you. Sousuke wanted neither her help nor her sympathy, and he let her know with a swift, cool smile.
"Alright then," she said. "Good luck, Yamazaki-kun."
They were waiting for him, sitting at the desk and drinking a goddamn cup of tea, and this was, perhaps, what bothered him the most.
"Yamazaki-kun," they greeted him. "Fancy some tea?"
Again, he thought, with the bad news. A cup of tea would not make him feel better, but he did not know what would, so he said yes. Dr. Kido poured his tea unhurriedly as he was ushered inside and offered the seat next to Fujiwara Hiroaki, his physical therapist. He held the mug in his hands, sucking up the warmth in his otherwise cold hands.
"Well, as we said, we have the results of your exams and tests," Dr. Kido began, placing his steaming mug on the desk and looking at him with gentle eyes. He pushed a large manila envelope towards him and Sousuke found his x-rays and results. "Congratulations," he said, "—you've made significant progress in your path to recovery."
His eyes fleeted over the papers and back at his physicians, one eyebrow raised.
"I am?"
"Definitely," Dr. Kido assured him. "Granted, it's been a slow process, I am happy to report that rehabilitation has done you well."
Sousuke sighed, relieved, and he even smiled. "That's good to hear."
"The reason why we called you personally, though," the doctor continued, "was that we do not want you to get complacent."
"At this stage in the process, you're most vulnerable," Fujiwara-san explained. "It is important that you continue coming to rehab and not overwork your shoulder."
"Your exams show you've been under dangerous strain, particularly the past few weeks," Dr. Kido said. "If you continue, Yamazaki-kun, I'm afraid you won't manage a full recovery."
"I thought you said I was fine," he said slowly, lowering his results.
"And you are," the doctor said carefully. "But these things take time, Sousuke, and we'd like you to continue therapy before releasing an official statement."
"You're not discharging me," he said.
"I'm afraid that would be irresponsible of us."
"How long?" he asked, mouth dry.
"It's difficult to say, every patient is different and—,"
"How long?"
Kido Jyou was a patient man, he knew, but he did not appreciate attitude. His thin lips were set in a firm line and he brought the tea to his lips, swallowing twice before speaking again in that clear, clinical voice that Sousuke had come to hate.
"Six months, at the very least."
He gripped the mug in his hand, tight enough that his knuckles almost turned white.
"You have to continue your physical therapy," Fujiwara-san added. "We all want you to get better, Yamazaki-kun, but you cannot force this."
"Six months is a long time," he muttered, bringing the tea to his lips to avoid screaming at them.
"Sousuke," the doctor said, clasping his hands together and resting his elbows on the desk. "If you don't go through with treatment, if you don't let your shoulder heal—,"
"—I won't make it in time for nationals on summer, I know—,"
"You won't make it to nationals ever," Dr. Kido said in a low voice. "Your shoulder has been under too much strain, too many times; if it doesn't heal now, while you're young and your injuries are manageable, the chances that it ever will are next to none. You won't be able to swim competitively, do you understand that?"
-x-
"Oi, Sousuke."
"Hm," he looked up at Rin, who was wearing his Samezuka jacket over a red t-shirt, swimming glasses on his forehead.
"You look like a goddamn princess, did you know?" he called, stretching his shoulder and pulling his own jacket on as he picked up his and Rin's bags.
"Tch," Rin let out, smoothing back his hair. "Shut up and get moving."
"As you wish, Matsuoka-hime." Sousuke dodged the kick aimed at his calves, running a hand through thin dark hair after hooking his swimming goggles around his shoulder. He walked unhurriedly whilst Rin ran his mouth off discussing bullet points he'd been interested in trying out with the team, and he tuned out of the conversation, perhaps a little too soon.
The rest of the team was there already, punctual to practice if they ever were. And there, stretching near the broad Samezuka windows, was the Iwatobi Swimming Club.
"It's a joint practice?" he asked, teal eyes rushing to find the familiar flash of red.
Rin raised an eyebrow, turning his face slightly. "Weren't you listening to me? I'm sure I said it half a dozen times."
"You talk too much," Sousuke said unabashedly. "I tune out, most of the time."
"You feckless—,"
"Matsuoka-buchou!"
He watched Rin get dragged from his side by young Nitori and he stared, half-dazed as Gou tapped her pen against her clipboard, giving out instructions to her own swimming team. Feeling that familiar hollow in his chest, he turned around and quickly shrugged off his jacket. He stretched, then placed his goggles on and jumped into the water without waiting for Rin's whistle.
When he emerged, he felt as though he hadn't been breathing for a long time. He tried to focus on his routine, on the sound of Rin's voice, on the whistle announcing he could jump back into the water. He focused on his shoulders, on making wide turns, elongating his arms and gliding effortlessly through the pool. Because, why should he fight the flow when it went against him, always? He opened his eyes and kept them open throughout his laps.
He would not cry.
It's just pressure coming out.
He climbed out two hours later, aching all over and it was, quite by accident, that he saw her. Gou was standing by the door; half turned to him as she discussed what he could only assume were the results of that day's practice, with her captain. It hadn't occurred to him, how precious her smile was or how much he'd missed seeing it because for the past months, whenever he and Gou saw each other she was always on the verge of tears. And it shored him suddenly, that he was always making her cry.
He eased himself out of the water, walked past them without giving a second look, but he did not miss Makoto's smile when he walked in after him, or how his hand had lingered on her shoulder for a second too long.
Sousuke turned the water out cold, bowing his head down as he held on to the faucet, letting it slow down his heartbeat until it was but a weak murmur, deep inside his chest. Lifting up his face he closed his eyes against the sting on his offended muscles, ignored the shivers that wanted to shake and rake him and leave him the sobbing mess he knew himself to be.
And when he was out, she was waiting for him, and Sousuke somehow knew he had been waiting for her too.
"Gou," he greeted her quietly, one hand on the towel above his head as he dried his hair.
"Hi," she breathed. "Can we talk?"
He wanted to say no, he should've said no, but he found himself nodding and following her out of the gym, past the teammates that lingered in the changing rooms and her own team, who barely even glanced at them as they left. They stopped outside, surrounded by the greenery in the courtyard. Sousuke placed his bag on a weathered wooden bench and continued to towel-dry his hair, keeping his cool gaze trained on Gou's hands and not her face. When she spoke, his eyes flitted briefly to hers, curious and hesitant.
"You've been avoiding me," she stated, and the bluntness of her words actually made him frown.
"That's not—,"
"Do not insult me," Gou bit out, with far more venom than he had expected. "You have, and we both know it."
"Fine," he said, because his patience had been eroding for a long time now. "Fine, I have. What of it, now?" He watched her bite her lip and he silently berated himself once more, because here she was, willing to talk some sense into him and in all but two minutes he had already managed to upset her.
He shuffled his feet awkwardly, hesitating to even place a comforting hand on her shoulder. But before he could do anything Gou had already closed the space between them, placing her thin, frail arms around him and he could only stare down at her, stunned.
"Gou?"
"You keep shutting us out," she murmured into his shirt. "Don't you know it hurts?"
"I'm sorry," he muttered, and he meant it, because he had never intended to drag her down with him, or make her hurt. She raised her head, eyes shining and lips trembling and he had never known her so small, and he had never thought she could be this warm. "Gou, I never meant to—,"
And he had never imagined she'd reach up, pull him down to her and kiss him. For a moment, he did nothing – did not breathe, or blink, or move. But then her hand cupped his cheek and it sort of kicked in, that she was kissing him and expected to be kissed in return. Sousuke moved his lips, captured hers more fully and when he drew back, he could taste her lipgloss and his heart on the tip of his tongue.
Gou had turned a delicate shade of pink, eyes watery and big and round, and he could feel it again, how she could turn him to putty in those tiny hands. "I-I want to help, Sou-kun."
Then, it was gone. Sousuke blinked, taking a step back. "Help?" he asked in a strange voice. "I don't need your help." He did not need yet another person looking out for him, swearing that he'd get out of the hell he had been in for over a fucking year.
"What?" she stuttered, "Sou-kun—,"
"I never asked for your help, Gou," he breathed out, because there was a tightness spreading through his chest and he felt as though his lungs would give in. "I never asked for any of this."
"Sousuke, no, you're getting it all wrong, I—," her hands reached for him, but Sousuke shook himself from her grip.
"I'm not Rin," he told her, picking up his bag and slinging it carelessly over his good shoulder. "Or Nanase. You can't start a little campaign to save me — I'm not your charity case."
"I never said you were!" she cried out now, and the tears were finally falling. "But you do need help, you do need someone!"
"I have to go."
"No, Sou-kun, we need to talk, you can't just leave again."
"No," he bit out, "—we do not."
He turned from her, unaffected that he was leaving her out in the cold autumn air, crying and hurting because of him. He felt cold inside, because he was tired of being tired, of being patronized and being the centre of every fucking pity party in that goddamn town. His future, once so close, was slipping away like water through his fingers, and in a way, Gou was too.
Because he saw the look in Tachibana's eye when he stormed past, the downwards lilt in his mouth and he knew before he turned around, before he could see it happen, that he was going to run to her, and he would find her, and he would comfort her like Sousuke never could.
It's just pressure coming out.