Notes: So this has been a long-time coming, and I am not super happy with it, but I am super done. I expect one or two more chapters before this series is finished. Your messages and reviews are always appreciated, thanks for reading.

Can you follow me out of the water? I can show you we're sinking deeper.
Let me know, cause I'm drowning for you.

"Drowning", Banks

To: Yamazaki, S.

From: Kido, J.

Subject: Concerns

Good morning, Yamazaki-kun.

Your therapist informed me that you have missed yet another session. This marks another important week of progress we have lost, and we've been very concerned for your absences. There is nothing we would like more than to continue working with you, please remember that whenever you're ready, you can reach out to either of us.

Please stay safe.

Kido Jyou

.

He stared up at the ceiling, bright teal eyes dulled under heavy lids. His chest rose and fell evenly, his heart beating erratically. He hadn't been to the hospital in almost six weeks; though he had kept religiously to the regime he had been given. He had even taken the time to include regular swimming practice with the Samezuka team, if only to appease Rin's insistence that he could not continue in the team if he did not take part of their practices. It had been on the tip of Sousuke's tongue to bite out that he did not belong anywhere, let alone his team, but he had been struggling for a long time with his and Rin's feelings about those goddamn relays and he'd be damned if he'd open that particular can of worms again.

Two weeks after the incident there was another joint practice scheduled and Sousuke, if only to prove a point, was there on time. But Gou hadn't attended, and he had felt almost guilty she hadn't. He had to stop and remind himself that this was not his fault. He overheard Tachibana explain that Gou had claimed to be sick, and Rin made a note to visit his sister soon. Sousuke just walked past and straight into the showers.

As spring gave way to warmer weather, Samezuka and Iwatobi did not engage in any other joint practice. He learned from Rin that they were now using the Iwatobi Swim Club Returns' indoor pool whenever the inclement weather hit town, and he had to stifle the tiny bubble of rage that burst inside him when he did. It's not that he wanted to see them or her, but a tiny part of Sousuke wanted Gou to take responsibility for what she had done to him. For taking him, and breaking him and turning him into this mess of a person, far worse than he had been before she had come.

By the last days of February, the cold had mostly receded and it was warm enough to wear only a jacket. Flowers were in bloom and soon the sakura trees would fully blossom — a sight Sousuke had learned had some sort of significance for Rin and his friends. He'd done his best to avoid the topic but in the end, Rin had thrown it casually out there, right before practice. So he went to the stupid festival, knowing fully well that it was the worst fucking idea Rin had ever had; it took everything out of Sousuke not to punch him square in the face when he announced his other friends were there, too. But he was nothing if not relentless, and he had the stupid delusion he had something to prove.

As the time for hanami drew closer, the town grew livelier and Sousuke's mood seemed to plummet. The entire pier area was covered in little stands with fragrant food, shiny baubles and loud, fun games. Sousuke drew up the collar of his light blue jacket, then buried his hands deep in his pockets as he pretended to be excited about all the things Momo and Ai were discussing, while Rin chided them half-heartedly as they walked towards the infamous meeting place.

"Tch," Rin suddenly bit out. "I thought I told him to keep his hands off her, mostly." He turned to Sousuke with a cocked eyebrow. "Does that look like it to you?"

And Sousuke felt a knot tie itself inside his stomach, as if it anticipated a tragedy. He knew it, had known about it since the first moment Tachibana flushed a furious shade of red when Gou jumped on his back, ecstatic to congratulate them in their win. And yet, seeing them together, hand in hand, was like waking up to your house set on fire, knowing there was nothing you could do but wait for others to put it out. It angered him, because she had been so small and so sweet and so soft in his hands and she had kissed him, and he had been damned since then.

Then she was kissing him, and Sousuke, though he pretended not to care, not to mind, not to think about her like that, could do nothing but stare.

"Oi!" Rin called out. "Knock it off, Makoto."

The young man turned his face, cheeks slightly flushed and eyebrows cranking up at the sight of the Samezuka team. His green eyes shone brightly and right there, next to him, stood Gou, who looked right past Sousuke, as if he never had existed at all. At that moment, he half wished it was true.

"Rin," Makoto greeted, self-consciously scratching his cheek with his free hand. "I'm glad you could make it!"

"Right," Rin deadpanned. "I'm sure you are."

"You're insufferable, nii-san," Gou pouted as Rin drew closer, patting her head and messing up her hair, falling into light teasing as a defence for not knowing how to act in front of a sister who seemed to have grown up. He knew this, because it was how he would've felt, if that was him.

She looked up, one eye closed and stopped in her tracks when she caught his eye.

"Gou," he said simply. And then, because he couldn't resist not to, looked up and right into Makoto's gentle green eyes. "Makoto."

He decidedly and discretely avoided them for the rest of the evening. It wasn't so hard to do, he reckoned. After all, Rin wasn't particularly keen on being around them much either and it wasn't long before they wandered off from the group, leaving Momo and Ai with the rest of the Iwatobi team members as they walked around the stalls and stations that had popped up, playing games and eating what seemed to be their own weight in fried food.

Rin bent down to peer at the bright goldfish swimming in their pools and Sousuke gazed up into the adorned fairy lights. The whole atmosphere was light, romantic and he sighed softly, wishing he could be anywhere but there.

"Since when?" he found himself asking, unable to stop once the words tumbled out of his mouth.

"Couple of weeks ago," Rin answered without looking up. "I'm not quite sure. It's weird."

"It's not weird," Sousuke said after a moment, leaning down closer, his eyes following a particularly red goldfish with a long, swishy tail. "You know Tachibana."

"Makoto's fine," Rin said. "It's just — I always thought she fancied you." Rin stood, shrugging at the look on Sousuke's face.

Don't you know it hurts?

He looked away, eyes fixed on the little bowls of fish until Rin called his name out, once more. "You coming?"

"Yeah," he murmured.

Later, he would wonder what possessed him into thinking it was a good idea.

"Nii-san, let's go!"

"No, I want to go with nii-san!"

"I want to go with Haru-chan, then!"

"I want to go with Haru-chan too!"

Sousuke listened to the younger Tachibanas whine and cry as they held on to their older brother's clothes and Nanase's leg like a pair of overexcited, overzealous puppies. Sousuke, not having had any brothers to fight or play with, found the exchange both endearing and extremely irritating.

"Ren, calm down will you?" Makoto begged. "And Ran, please let go of Haru-cha—,"

"—don't call me chan," Haruka murmured, eyes set on Makoto's sister's tiny form.

"—sorry," he apologised. "Ran, please let go of Haru's leg?"

Both twins answered at the same time, a big, resounding: NO!

"I'm sorry about this," Makoto apologised again. "I should take them home…," he looked down at his siblings, who seemed to be taking turns running around his and Haruka's legs without stumbling into each other and then turned towards Gou, who was giggling softly at Ran's attempt to put her hair up like hers.

"Would you mind?"

"No," Gou said with a smile. "It's fine, go ahead. We'll see you later, Makoto-senpai."

Before they could even think of kissing, Sousuke stood up and walked away from them, gazing up into the decorated trees and lamplights that hung lazily around him. He blinked, trying to drown the acrid taste of bile rising up to his throat at the image that was seared behind his eyelids, of Gou reaching up to kiss Tachibana Makoto. He tried telling himself it was normal, a thing to be expected. It was Rin's sister, of course it would bother him that she'd come out with a boyfriend out the blue. But even as he sat there, warm cup in his hand, he knew that wasn't quite it. It had less to do with Gou, maybe, and more to do with Tachibana. Him, and his gentle fucking gaze. Him, and his flawless smile. Him, and his selfless, ever-giving disposition. Him, and how starkly different he was to Sousuke.

The thought made him want to vomit.

It was a while before Rin and Gou joined him, after both Ryugazaki and Hazuki had taken their leave. Sousuke felt the weight of Rin's foot against his calf, turning around lazily towards the redheads and trying to look casual.

"Done?"

Rin shrugged. "I guess. We can hang around if you want," he nudged Gou.

"Actually, we'd better get going if we're going to catch the last train," Sousuke said, as politely as he could, eyes trained on his wristwatch.

"We can always stay," Rin shrugged again, then grinned unexpectedly. "It'll be just like old times. Romantic, huh?"

He considered it for a moment but then, as if he could feel it, promptly shot the idea down. "You stay," he said. "I've got to go to the hospital in the morning."

"Oh," Rin said. "Sure, okay.

It wasn't a complete lie, and Rin looked surprised but pleased enough, and Sousuke tried not to let that bother him. He didn't even look at Gou, sure that whatever he saw in there would probably set him off again.

"I'll see you," he called out to no-one in particular, and then: "Say hi to your mum from me."

Ai and Momo were tired, asleep during the whole ride home. The train rode on, slowly. He went through the motions with practiced ease, fell to bed in a movement, gazed out the window with a vice.

I always thought she fancied you.

-x-

It happened during practise.

With his torso elongating above the surface of the water, he looked like some great beast, right in his element. Ryugazaki Rei had gotten better, it was true, but Sousuke had not long ago been one of the top ten butterfly swimmers, and every day he came closer and closer to reminding people of that. Of course, every day he was also cruelly reminded of how far back his injury had set him.

He took a huge gulp of air, dove in, rose back out. Air, in, out. Air, in out. Air, in, out. He could feel himself gaining momentum, the strain of the effort paying off as Ryugazaki kicked and paddled meters back. Then he felt it. Just the tiniest of flinches, the subtlest stretch of sinew, protest of muscle and he was floored. He stopped, opening his mouth, diving under the water and letting himself out quietly from one side of the pool.

"Sousuke!" Rin called out, but he never turned back.

Rei was looking around as he got to the finish line, but his friends were not cheering for him and the rival team was not cheering for Yamazaki-san; they were quiet, looking from a distance as he stormed outside, stumbling on his way to the showers.

"What's wrong with Yamazaki-san?"

"I don't know," Makoto said, sweeping between them with surprising ease for a young man his size. "But we should probably give him some space. Come on, everybody," he called out to the swimmers. "—practice isn't over yet. Next heat, are you ready?"

Sousuke did not wait for Rin or any of the others to go for him. He took the quickest shower of his life and, still damp, slipped into his clothes. He slung his back over his shoulder - his good shoulder, and left before anyone had half a chance to stop him. On the edge of the pool, Makoto lingered, and so did Rin. But only Gou went after him, though both her brother and boyfriend pretended not to notice.

She ran, turned right on an empty corridor and back to the other side, surrounding the pool area and stopping in the middle of a cobblestone path in the Samezuka gardens, where Sousuke leaned against a tall statue, fingers trembling against his phone. The crunch of her shoes on the leaves was what alerted him of her presence and he hid the phone, the panicked, lost look he'd had replaced by a mask of cool indifference.

"What do you want?"

"What happened back there?"

"Oi, Sousuke!"

"I'm not talking about this with you," Sousuke mumbled, drawing his gaze away from her.

Rin had caught up with them now, looking grave and worried. "You can't just fucking leave like that, what the hell's wrong with you?!"

Sousuke bristled, like some great feline that found himself cornered. "I'll explain later, okay? I intended to."

"Oh, so you can't tell me, but you're fine talking about it with Rin," Gou exclaimed, letting a dry chuckle out. "Of course."

"Gou?" Rin began, confused, "—what?"

"I mean it Gou," Sousuke muttered darkly. "Let it go."

"No, you come here and you pretend nothing happened, that you haven't been igno—," a sharp, shrill ring cut off her conversation and Rin picked up his phone in a hurry, practically barking into it. "What?"

But neither Sousuke nor Gou were paying attention to his conversation, too deeply engrossed in their own interactions. Gou had a sharp tongue, something she and her brother could boast to share; and though Sousuke had an iron patience (or so he liked to claim), she was quickly doing away with it.

"—ring me for weeks—,"

"—no, tell Makoto—,"

He could feel it bubble within him again, ready to burst any time now... Sousuke looked past her, his fingers wrapped around his phone, gripping it tightly. It didn't matter anymore, really. He wasn't going to do it, not now, not with her there. When he spoke again, he found that his voice had gone strangely low, and cold, inteded to be heard only by her.

"So do you actually like Tachibana, or do you only kiss the guys you feel sorry for?" Across him, Gou had gone uncannily quiet. He smirked. "It's an actual question, Matsuoka."

"You have no right," she muttered, and he could see her lower lip trembling with contained rage. "Don't bring him into this."

"I have no right?" he repeated, shocked. "You have no right," his eyes narrowed, "—what makes you think you can come here, and yap at me over something that did not happ—,"

"It happened, Sousuke!" Gou exclaimed. "How can you pretend it didn't? Like you've done with everything else!"

"Because it has nothing to do with you, Gou!" his voice rose, too, and he took one step towards her. "Why is it so hard to understand that? This is my business. Not Rin's, not Tachibana's and certainly not yours," the last word was spat so viciously that Gou closed the distance between them and in a split second, the silence was broken by the sound of her hand colliding hard against his cheek.

Rin had gone unusually quiet, cutting his phonecall short and letting his arms hang limply by his sides, still shocked by what had happened.

Sousuke's eyes widened for a second and his hand rose to touch his face, the way his skin tingled, hot and painful underneath his cold fingers. Gou's eyes were unforgiving, brimming with tears, lips sucked inwards to avoid crying. He pressed the offended muscle, just once, brushed his cheek where her nails had broken his skin.

"I thought," she sniffled, "I thought you—,"

"You thought what?" he asked, voice low. "You thought I gave a fuck what you and Tachibana do?" Sousuke bent down to retrieve his bag, just as Tachibana reached the scene, still wearing his swimming jammers, shirtless. Sousuke looked at him and then at Gou. "He can have you."

"Sou..."

"I have other things to worry about."

In the second it took Rin to reach him and touch his shoulder — his bad shoulder, too, Sousuke threw his arm away, practically hissing. He'd had enough of these people thinking they knew best, that they could understand him, that he needed their help.

"Stay out of it, Rin."

Sousuke needed none of it.