Paging Doctor Kongming
A situation like this requires the brilliant leadership of the prince of Wei, which is to say me. Seeing as the greatest strategic, diplomatic and military minds of the Three Kingdoms (my employees) could not solve this dilemma there is only one clear path to take. Hire a doctor, which is, come to think of it, the first thing I should have done. I catch a passing servant.
"You there, where is Wei's physician?"
"There currently is none, Lord Cao Pi."
"What do you mean there is none ? Am I supposed to believe we have multiple strategist and an army of musicians and thespians in Xuchang but no doctor for the palace?", I say, my patience wearing thin.
The servant bows and stutters, as he should before me.
"I am very very sorry my lord, but ever since your father executed his physician for suggesting that his migraines be treated with a simple procedure that happened to involved cutting Cao Cao's head open, doctors refuse to come to the Wei palace. If you want to find a physician who will actually come here for Lord Sima, it will have to be some sort of diagnostic genius, who isn't afraid of anything!"
I think for a moment, recalling something I saw in Xuchang.
"Yes, I know exactly what you are talking about. They have this series of plays in Xuchang about just such a man. "Kongming, MD" is the title I think."
Now that I have this knowledge, I must act on it at once.
Sima Yi is in his offices, face turned down towards a scroll, hand rubbing his temples and back turned to me.
I stand at his side and boom out in my most commanding tone (my Cao Cao impression):
"Sima Yi, you will be seen by a doctor I've summoned to Xuchang."
Yi picks up his head but doesn't yet turn to me.
"I have nausea, not deafness, Lord Cao Pi. Please refrain from yelling when you are only three feet away from me." I need to practice giving orders, actually; I think to myself.
"Either way Yi, he should be here in a few days." I walk over to behind Yi and make a pointed effort to stare over his shoulder until he turns to me.
He speaks an exasperated "I suppose I ought to thank you for doing this, Cao Pi."
Now I can leave.
Cao Pi is still obsessed with my medical condition. I'd understand this all if it was that he feared contagion, for example in the that case I had the plague. But by now it has been long enough that any serious illness can be ruled out.
Still, Cao Pi had to go and summon Wei's generals and his father from sick leave (I wonder where Zhen Ji's been during all of this), just to bother every one with a speech on how he's averted a Wei crisis by bringing in "the Greatest Medical Mind in the Three Kingdoms", some witch doctor most likely, to examine me. Because, obviously my stomach flu could spread and bring down Wei from the inside. Cao Cao somehow nods along with his son, hopefully just in approval of Cao Pi's public speaking skills. I stand at Pi's side waiting for this to be over when our Prince's rousing speech is interrupted by Xiahou Yuan:
"Lord Cao Pi, are you sure we should do this? I mean the last doc tried to cut Our Lord's head open! Dun already said it, the guy has parasites; just give him some tea and he'll be good to go."
"What! General, Yi's pregnant, we have to be careful about what he eats! For the sake of his child! And beauty!" Zhang He flourishes his arms about with his hair swaying, to emphasis his point.
I clear my throat to catch our assembled officers attention: "What ever the cause, we've already spent on a physician so it would be foolish to not use them. Oh, and Zhang He, I am male, males don't get pregnant."
Before I can elaborate a servant rushes in, announcing to the Caos that the doctor has arrived.
Obvious House reference is obvious