The Church of Arnold has shaved two hours off the 9:30 am to 9:30 pm proselytizing time required by the LDS Church, which means everyone gets up at 7:30 am rather than 6:30. Despite the extra time to sleep, Arnold doesn't feel well-rested. The only ex-Mormon who looks like they slept worse than him is Elder Church. He appears not only tired, but tense: he keeps biting at his bottom lip, and his leg constantly jiggles up and down.
"Everything okay, Elder?" Arnold asks as he passes him on the way to the Poptarts box. Since the LDS Church stopped funding their mission, Eric stopped hoarding his Poptarts stash.
A shrug and "Fine," is Church's reply.
"Really? 'Cuz you don't look—" Kevin nudges Arnold's shoulder to keep him moving. Arnold figures he was being inappropriate again. Thank God that his companion understands boundaries.
The villagers, believers and non-believers both, come in for their sugary breakfast. Nabalungi doesn't get in line but hurries to Arnold's side, Mafala following.
Their hellos are strained. Nabulungi keeps fiddling with her tie, and Arnold keeps opening and closing his mouth. He can't focus past the voices of his parents and his favourite fictional characters. (Peter Parker says propose on the spot; Captain Jack Harkness shudders at the thought of marriage; Picard suggests that she's the only girl who's ever liked him back, so maybe he's being a little hasty...)
"I will not hold you to what you said when you had something in your eye," Nabulungi blurts out.
Out of the corner of his eye, he catches Kevin's quizzical glance. "Um, that's...yeah, probably a good idea. It just sorta slipped out." Sweat is pooling in his armpits. He tries to wet his tongue, but can't. She's going to leave him. Why would she stay with him when he just admitted there's no future?
"That doesn't mean—" he begins.
"Elder Cunningham?" It's Elder Church. Elder Neeley stands beside him, a hand on his companion's shoulder.
WHY NOW? "Y-yes, Elder?"
Elder Church is quiet and urgent. "I need to get to Yunna today." Yunna, despite being a three-hour ride from the village, is a popular spot due to its telephone lines and internet café. The mission's phone line left with the Mormon Church; in the choice between buying food and paying the phone bill, food won.
Church inhales deeply, then says, "I just got a letter from my dad. He's...not happy. I need to talk to my mom. Now."
Arnold feels utterly unequipped to deal with this. "Oh. Oh God. Well, okay! Heck, we'll just DO SOME PROSELYTIZING THERE! THAT ACTUALLY WORKS OUT PRETTY WELL WITH THE SCHEDULE—"
"I will ask Elder Butt-Fucking Naked for his jeeps," Mafala says calmly, which makes Arnold realize how loud he was getting.
"I will spread the word that we are going to Yunna," Nabulungi says. Before she leaves, she touches Elder Church's shoulder and gives him a nod that perfectly says, We're going to get through this. Elder Church responds with a tiny smile. In just one moment, she's done more for him than all of Arnold's babbling.
Kevin says, "Elder Church, shall we pray?" Arnold starts in surprise. How could he have forgotten that?
Elder Church nods curtly, looking miles away. Kevin leads the prayer. It's short and to the point, a request that God bless their journey to Yunna and bless what Elder Church must do.
If the Church of Arnold only had me leading it, we would've died off in the first week. Arnold silently adds a prayer thanking God for everyone around him.
They get to Yunna at noon. Everyone piles out of the jeeps, stretching after the long ride. Elders Church and Neeley head straight to the café. Gossip has spread; no one seems surprised by this. Arnold is surprised when Neeley leaves the café at a jog and asks him and Kevin to join them.
"I think we're going to need all the prayers we can get," he says worriedly.
So they join and pray silently, accompanied by the constant sounds of buzzing flies and Elder Church pacing and talking quietly into one of the payphones on the far wall.
"Brother," Elder Church says to Elder Neeley at one point, "can you find some battered women's shelters near home?" Neeley hurries to a computer terminal, logs in then repeats a few names and addresses.
After almost a half hour, Elder Church hangs up. "She said she'd email me when she got there," he says. His hands are shaking; Arnold's instinctive reaction is to reach out, but Elder Church moves to a terminal and logs on before he can.
"Praise Christ," Kevin says.
They pray and wait. Arnold suspects not a lot of proselytizing is getting done; not a half-hour goes by without one of the congregation dropping into the café for a coffee or a pop. He can't blame them.
At one point, Sister Kimbay and Kevin are up at the front, her buying some roasted peanuts and him buying a large coffee. They chat lightly. Sister Kimbay rests her hand on Kevin's, just for a second, and he doesn't pull away.
When Kevin returns to his chair with his coffee and gets into the prayer position, Arnold mutters, "Thought you said you wouldn't break rule 77."
Kevin stares blankly at him. "I didn't break it." He begins to frown. "Right?"
Arnold can't help but giggle, which annoys Kevin and causes Neeley to ask, "What's up?"
Arnold is about to make something up when his gaze falls on Elder Church, who's watching them curiously. His father might abuse (or already is abusing) his mother because their son joined a church started by Arnold Cunningham. The giggle dies in Arnold's throat.
"NOTHING!" At Kevin's 'lower the volume' gesture, he continues with, "I, uh, forgot."
"You guys don't have to stay," Elder Church says. "It's kind of in God's hands now, isn't it?" Weirdly, Elder Church looks at Arnold as he says this, as if he expects him to know. Sometimes, even the Elders start believing he's special.
"Well, sure, but we're happy to stay," Arnold says.
There's only so much praying and feeling miserable he can do, though. Eventually, Arnold logs on and checks the account. They've got fifteen more dollars than when he checked a week ago. He updates the church Twitter ("ChurchofArnold: Thanks 4 ur donations! With just $5 more, maggotsinscrotum will need a new name! LL&P & God bless!"), monitors the blog (he deletes five "BURN IN HELL SINNERS!" comments and three "Ur church is fr fags!1!"), uploads some photos to the Facebook page and checks the hits on their Youtube channel. Sister Damisi's testimonial that she forgives the warlord that killed her husband is up to 64,000 hits. Rob was concerned that the video might be exploitative, but Sister Damisi insisted they post it. "More people need to know the power of forgiveness," she said happily.
Arnold quickly checks his own email and finds a new one from Mom: his dog, Mouse, and his cat, Mister, miss him a lot; she hopes he's wearing enough sunscreen and not upsetting his tummy with spicy food; he's in her prayers every day because she loves him so much, but won't he please give up this scary cult business and go back to the Mormon Church? It's better than the one line he got from Dad two months ago: "We'll talk when you've either given up this nonsense or come home."
Arnold writes a quick reply to his mom thanking her for news of home and her prayers, and reminding her that his church is doing a lot more good in Uganda than the Mormon Church ever did. After checking to make sure no one's looking at his screen, Arnold Googles foreign marriages in Uganda, then low sex drives, pulling up some very useful information on both.
Kevin also logs in to another terminal. From the guilt-ridden expression on his face after a few moments of clicking and reading, Arnold knows that his parents sent him another email. Arnold logs out of his terminal and puts his hand on Kevin's shoulder.
"I think if I printed this one out, it'd be five pages," Kevin says. He smiles, but Arnold can tell he doesn't really think it's funny. From what he can read over Kevin's shoulder, the email is a dizzying amount of quotes from the Book of Mormon.
I was never a great Mormon; the Church of Arnold is easy for me. Panic washes over Arnold at the wistful expression Kevin turns to the computer screen. But Kev was practically the next Joseph Smith...What if he goes back?
Arnold glances at Elders Church and Neeley and and thinks about how far away from home they all are.
Elder Church jolts upright in his chair. "It's here," he says, doubleclicking.
"ALL RIGHT!" Arnold whoops. Elder Neeley laughs and Kevin grins as he logs out.
Elder Church reads the email intently. His words are raspy, as if he hasn't had water in days: "She's staying with him."
"What?" Kevin asks.
Elder Church calmly closes the screen and exits the terminal—wincing as the computer tells him how much money he owes.
"I got this," Kevin says, touching Church's shoulder before going to the cash register. As one of the few ex-Mormons who's in the black, it's not the first time Kevin has made that offer.
"I'll pay you back," Elder Church says. He speaks casually, but there's a horrifying dullness to his eyes.
"I'm...I'm so sorry, brother," Elder Neeley whispers.
Arnold can't think of anything to do other than hug Elder Church, but Church moves aside as Arnold steps forward. The Elder stares at Arnold without expression before heading outside with slow, deliberate steps, as if he's expecting the floor to pitch beneath him at any moment.
Arnold's vision blurs with tears of frustration. Why, Heavenly Father? Why? Did you want me to pray more? What else could I have done?
The ride back to Kigali is sombre. Before their dinner of beans-and-rice stew, Arnold says something about God's ways being mysterious that even he has a trouble believing.
Before they tuck in, Nabulungi raises her hand. "If I may, Elder Cunningham?"
"Um, sure."
"I propose that we keep proselytizing in Yunna. Today was a terrible disappointment, but today was just a start. We cannot give up." She looks at Elder Church, who doesn't appear to have heard her.
Until, that is, he wearily says, "We should just go back to the original schedule."
Sister Ameya shakes her head. "No, we shouldn't! When my fucking asshole of a husband hit me, it took me many times to leave him."
Elder Church stirs. "Really?"
"Yes. You keep talking to your mother, white boy. You show her her own strength."
Usually, they call for a vote if they're changing the schedule. This time, no one bothers.
"Thanks for that," Arnold tells Nabulungi after dinner, as she's about to leave for her village. "Wish I'd thought of it."
"We will keep praying," she says simply. "God will hear us."
God has to hear Nabulungi, who's strong and beautiful and knows just what to say and whom Arnold can't imagine his life without. He loves her. She loves him. Why was he making it so complicated?
Arnold kisses her far more inappropriately than he's ever dared in public. He ignores Kevin's throat-clearing at the five-second mark, Mafala's annoyed "Nabulungi, child..." at the ten, and twitters from the onlookers as he loses count.
Nabulungi pulls away, returning for a few quick kisses before she steps, with a sigh, out of his arms.
"Marr—" he begins.
Nabulungi loudly speaks over him. "Maybe we should talk later, Elder Cunningham? After all this?"
"Um, right!" He giggles nervously, risking a quick glance at Kevin and Mafala; they don't appear to have figured out what he was about to say.
"And," Nabulungi glances down, shyly, "to answer your question—yes. The capital of Uganda is Kampala."
Arnold is utterly confused. "Um. Did I ask you that?"
Nabulungi rolls her eyes, but her fond smile softens her annoyance. "You brought it up yesterday, Elder Cunningham."
"Live long and prosper, Elders," Mafala says, guiding his daughter by the elbow to the door. Arnold watches her leave, his thoughts racing.
And then it hits.
"GOT IT!" he shouts just as she's on her way out the door. The entire mission turns to stare at him, but only Nabulungi's warmly amused gaze matters.