It's Not Lupus
otherwise known as
Anachronisms Ahoy!

"The doctor says for Sima to go see him at the room he's set up at the end of the hall."
"It's good to see someone is considering my privacy. I'll go now then." I say as I depart, with Cao Pi deciding to trail behind me.
"My lord, I believe this is supposed to be a private appointment." I say as professionally as can be, only to have him retort:
"I'm worried about you and want to know what's wrong, Zhongda." Pi says in a disturbingly saccharine manner. Outside of a certain type of intercourse, it's a bad sign if Pi's seeing the need to be even remotely sweet.
"The real reason, Zihuan?" I say, incredulously.
"I like medical mysteries and you are one, besides I hired a celebrity doctor that I want to watch at work."
"Ah, so I'm entertainment for you in more ways than one, lord Cao Pi. I'm faltered." We're at the door by now, and Cao Pi has to wrap his arms about my waist as I open the door. Great, just the impression I want to give a medical professional.

"I had been hoping you would come alone, but I suppose it's fine if you bring your boyfriend along for emotional support, Sima."

Zhuge. It's Zhuge Liang, of all people to set a trap. Xuchang should be impenetrable even to professional spies. Cao Pi unhands me to approach Zhuge with a stern expression, stern hand shake and a spoken "doctor". This is a joke.
"Cao Pi, that is Zhuge Liang from Shu."
"No, Yi. This is Doctor Kongming." he answers plainly.
"You're blind. He even has a strategist's fan, what doctor uses that? It's obviously just Zhuge Liang with a cane, Pi."
He sighs, slowly stating: "Zhongda, I know that the doctor is Zhuge Liang, but he is currently acting as Kongming the famous diagnostician. Don't you ever watch plays?" Pi rolls his eyes.

A cough and then "If you both are done discussing me, we should begin Sima's exams" comes from Zhuge.
Cao Pi gives a too excited "We'll do such at once, Doctor Kongming. You have the symptoms I sent you for Sima?"
"Yes, in your exact words, he "is snappy, frequently horny, and vomits nonstop"; all but one of those seem as if they would be normal Sima behavior."
"You sent a letter like that to Shu!" I mutter to Cao Pi, it comes out as a hiss. Then I continue: "And you, Zhuge Liang, isn't there a law about doctor-patient confidentiality?"
"We're living in the Three Kingdoms era, Sima Yi. I highly doubt it. Now give me your arm and turn your head to cough."
I glare at Cao Pi and cough in his direction. Stoically, he stares back, when I feel my arm stabbed. "What the-"
"Don't move, Sima Yi. I still need two more vials for your blood tests."
"You won't even ask my symptoms or for permission to needle me, Zhuge?
Zhuge Liang focuses intensely on the instruments he has at hand. "We'll do that after I have these results, when my equipment gets here. I will see you in a few days, Sima Yi"

Later, as Cao Pi and I are walking down the halls I need to ask, a bit bitterly:
"Why do you like that show so much?" Cao Pi contentedly grins.
"Doctor Kongming is asinine and condescending towards his patients."

Zhuge Liang has finally gotten my results back, a courier tells me while I had been reclining in a pagoda at the gardens with Zhang He. We both arise to go, with He stating how exited he is to see my check up. I quickly scarf down the phoenix talon I'd been eating, hoping my choice of dish will go unnoticed. (Heavens forbid the other Wei commanders learn I've been eating those things as of late.)

"Your results came back with elevated hCG and progesterone. So we can rule out Lupus. But, there are multiple things this could mean."
"Will my symptoms help narrow it?" I interject, being the patient after all.
And then Zhang He interrupts: "Sima's pregnant, isn't he?" he squeals happily.
"Either that or he has a tumor disrupting his endocrine levels. We'll do a body scan." Zhuge says, dignifying Zhang He's insane fixation. I feel I'm the only one Zhuge Liang goes out of his way to disrespect.
I mutter "This is absurd."
Zhuge Liang puts a hand on my arm as he speaks, in an attempt at bedside manner.
"I'll have to set up my ultrasound machine, but until then I want to either congratulate you on your pregnancy or give my sincerest condolences."

There's a deep and arbitrary horror to waiting in a makeshift medical office and contemplating your own possible death; all while Zhang He jovially shoots of a list of baby names.
"Oh, Yi listen to this: Shi. Shi is such a refined name! And it even rhymes with both Pi and Yi! You must choose it." Why does He have to be like this now? I can only look up at him, wearily.
"He, I may be dying in a most torturous fashion and that stupid idea is all you can think of? Why did you even brig Pi up?"
He looks up, perplexed, from the scroll he was reading.
"Yi, pregnancy is a time of joy, a celebration of life. And Pi is the father, or is there someone else?" he insinuates, at a time like this.
"What? No, there isn't. I mean there's nothing to discuss. Anything I tell you is confidential."
Zhang He twiddles his thumbs nervously. Blurting: "That's good because I invited Pi to your ultrasound."
"What?"

Pheonix Talons are a Dim Sum made of chicken feet.