Wei Exceptionalism
It is bothersome being the acting lord of Wei, partially because everyone sees fit to send you their requests; rank and riches mostly, occasionally advice. Now, most this mail is for Cao Cao, but occasionally I get the odd piece of fan mail, emphasis on odd.
The letter I just got from a palace messenger is exceedingly strange, even for mail from Zhang He. I go to the location stated, to confront him.
I enter a stuffy office containing a chatty Zhang He that's reading out random names to Sima Yi, who's in a fetal position.
I clear my throat to speak over him: "Sima Yi, did you know Zhang He sent me a letter saying the Doctor found you're pregnant?"
Yi's head snaps up with a sharp glare and a pointed "ignore him, Cao Pi."
I step forward a bit, speaking in a manner that betrays the confusion I've felt all along: "What is going on?"
Sima sighs and slumps, taking of his incredibly absurd purple hat:
"I'm getting some scans done... I, Zhuge said I may have cancer. You don't suppose you could stay here and be a supportive partner, or at least feign it?"
Wait... no, that can't be:
"Yi, you can't have cancer. I mean, if you die who's going to advise me at the imperial court?"
Now Yi is simply hissing, and Zhang He is still blurting names.
"Quite frankly, my lord, I don't give a damn. Now sit here and hold me."
"yes-sir"
Yi's curled in my lap, sulking while I rub his shoulders. I'm hoping Yi's relaxed a bit when I ask: "Zhang He, what are you doing?"
"Our gorgeous Yi and I were just discussing baby names for his child!"
I sigh. "Discussing?"
Zhang He then takes my speaking as an invitation to continue this "discussion".
"Lord Cao Pi, as the crown prince of Wei, do you think you could organize the greatest, no the most fabulous, baby shower in the Three Kingdoms?"
Now Yi finally snaps: "Zhang He, silence."
"Yi, it's very bad for a developing child if their mother's upset during pregnancy!"
I have to restrain Yi to keep him from mauling Zhang He, now.
Thinking quickly, I remediate this situation by interjecting:
"He, if you go outside and wait quietly, I'll let you name our child."
Zhang He gleefully makes a gesture of zipping his mouth shut and skips outside.
"Doctor Kongming went out so I'll be doing your scans."
Sima stands at attention, seeming more like a bristling animal each minute.
"Jiang Wei, what's a traitor like you doing back in Wei? Where is Zhuge? He's the one whom was paid to handle this."
Wait, we used to employ that kid? (I think to myself.)
"Doctor Kongming thought these scans were beneath him; so instead you're getting my prodigious talent."
All these strategists have such ego problems, if only there were a way to avoid employing them.
Yi scoffs: "Yes, prodigious enough that you charge a mine field, and that your precious Zhuge has you playing his henchman."
"Well, I'm not the one who's " I interrupt Jiang Wei's response before this gets worse: "Jiang Wei , just run the tests now."
These strategists have the worst cat fights in the Three Kingdoms.
Sima Yi is laying on a cot, busy inspecting and complaining of the lack of coverage from that medical gown he's in, as Jiang Wei slides one appendage of a metallic contraption over Yi's body. I glance at the screen Jiang Wei's inspecting, as I ask the obvious: "Where did that device come from?"
Jiang Wei beams "Zhuge Liang and his wife are inventors!"
"And they invented ultrasound?" Yi interjects, incredulous.
I give my two-cents: "Yi, it's not too much of a stretch to believe that we have ultrasound in ancient China; given that we already posses laser-shooting-fans and dumplings that can heal grievous injuries." Yi responds with a simple hmm; as Jiang Wei abruptly rises and leaves, saying that he has to find Zhuge.
"These results are exactly what I had expected. Except for the fact that they should be medically impossible," Zhuge proclaims. Cao Pi, who's seated himself by me on the cot, grabs and squeezes my hand as he lets me speak. Shakily, I state: "Is it bad Zhuge?"
Zhuge Liang puts down the scans before responding. "It's very bad for the rest of the world, Sima Yi. You are with child. Congratulations on being the greatest medical mystery in the Three Kingdoms."
This is a sick and degrading prank, we never should have hired Shu. Cao Pi perks up asking Zhuge how that's even possible. Zhuge tosses him the black on acetate scans.
While I try to coerce some confession of this being fraud out of the Shu officers, Cao Pi has to go on saying to himself amazing and how did he not notice Yi had those parts. That smug Zhuge dismisses my complaints, saying an obnoxious just examine yourself. Before I can retort, Cao Pi darts off with the test results in hand, saying the rest of the kingdom has to know this. I give chase, before he has the chance to ruin me.