Seizing the Mandate, with Provisos

Zhang He has once again served a strategic purpose for me, intercepting Pi with hugs and "OHMAIGAWD, you're a father."
Luckily there are no servants in this hall (I wouldn't want to be caught dead in this peep-show medical robe anyways.)
If Zhang He continues to distract Pi, my plan should succeed.
Pi only notices when it's too late. Proclaiming:
"Zhongda, hand me the results back. It's rude to grab things out of your lord's hand."
I scoff and can't help sneering: "Cao Pi, this is idiocy. The Shu are playing a ruse in order to plant discord in Wei. I am not pregnant because I have no womb. Now the two of you be quite before you embarrass us further ."

Zhang He looks genuinely doleful, while Cao Pi taps his chin before detaining me in his parody of a hug.
"You know, Zhongda, we can easily check that, with the skimpy robe your wearing. All I have to do is slide my hand down here and feel around for something extra."
No, no he wouldn't dare. Wait , this is Cao Pi we speak of; yes, he would. And Zhang He's just starring blankly (a natural reaction to Pi's and my relationship).

Cao Pi has to start prodding his fingers there in public. I won't suffer this in silence.
"Help! Assault! Get Cao Pi off me!"
"Why can't be you be that uninhibited and loud in bed, Zhongda? Besides, I'm done. Congratulations on your vagina."
"What? There is no way I'm keeping that in me. Zhuge can cut it out!"
The minute I turn on my heal, Cao Pi yanks me back into him by the wrist, giving a rushed "You may not do that to my heir, Zhongda."
The prince misunderstands our dynamic: "No, Zihuan I can do as I want. Regardless of your petty orders, I won't bear something so unnatural in me."
The prince gives a discontented "Zhongda!" before He interrupts:
"Lord Yi, can't you see the beauty of what this means?"
I interject the snippet: "That I am Wei's new freak show."
Zhang He waves and twirls. "No, Yi; for something that defies the laws of nature to occur, your child must have the Mandate of Heaven!"
He dramatically falls to one knee kissing my hand. The profundity of what has just been said explodes through my thought.
I have the mandate,
there will be a Sima on the throne...
"I always knew I was meant to be emperor." Cao Pi coolly speaks.
"Pi, I am the pregnant one. The unnatural act happend in my body; the mandate is mine, Zihuan."
"Yi, if it were not for my tireless and perfect work on you so many evenings, you could not have concived. I accomplished this task. It's my mandate."
"hmph From how you beg for it, I would hardly think you consider our intercourse to be work. Besides, it could well be imaculate! Meaning the mandate is all mine. Mwahahahahaha."
Somewhere in the evil mastermind laugh I'd intended to continue ad infinitum, I choke.
Thank the heavens someone has the mind to preform a Heimlich maneuver.
I'm less glad when I see that someone is General Dun.
Pi visibly pales as he asks: "Uncle, when did you get here?"
"When I heard Sima Yi screaming I thought to check; and now I've been here long enough to wish I didn't know what you kids are doing. Follow me, we must see Lord Cao Cao. Right. Now. "